Death of My Absentee Father

You are NOT a horrible person. My father was an alcoholic and I admit, I felt relieved upon his death as well. I grieved for 'what could have been" for my father--not what was.

People need to realize that this man was not necessarily a "horrible person"! he was an alcoholic--that made him a sick person, not a horrible person. This woman is dealing with the loss of her father--whether he was sick or healthy!

No, you are not a bad person at all. In fact, I know how you feel. My bio dad left us in 1986 and I saw him for the first time last Fall at a funeral (his mother's) and he didn't even recognize me. In fact, he has never even seen any of my 6 kids. I realized at the funeral that when he does die, it would be no different for me than if someone told me the neighbor down the street died - in fact, it would be even less than that because I would bring food over to the neighbor's relatives if that really did happen. How can you grieve over someone who you don't really know?

I'm sorry you have to deal with this . . . it's hard. Best wishes.

I think you said it best yourself, you already mourned him when he abandoned you as a child. You are not a horrible person at all.

I don't think you're a horrible person. It's hard to mourn over someone with whom you had such a difficult relationship. Yet you also recognize that a father is important! Alcoholism leaves deep, sad memories. Perhaps if another mama who has experienced alcoholism in her family responds to your post, you'll see that you're not alone. (Oh, I see that it's already happened.)

My father was never a part of my life. Every few years my mom would get in contact with him for me and he might talk to me for a little bit, or my mom would take me to go visit but that never lasted very long and he would go on an alcoholic bender and tell my mom to leave him alone. He was afraid she would after him for money, which she never did, though she deserved to.
So after the last time when he did this I was about 11 or 12 and I started to become very angry and bitter towards him. Over the years it intesntified and I absolutely hated him, where I would dwell on my questions for him and how awful he must be.
Well a few years ago he nearly died of many problems resulting form his lifestyle and while spending a few months in the hospital decided to call me. We started to develope a bit of a relationship.
Now I do not feel anger, or hatred. I don't dwell on all the things I wanted to say to him, I can be around him and just allow us to have a good time. This is great and I am glad that I have mellowed out concerning this for my own sake. HOWEVER I do not feel capable of truely caring about him. It is not that I feel anything bad for him I just feel like he missed the chance where I would develope fatherly feelings toward him. I have never told him I loved him, and I very expertly avoid calling him Dad lol. It is not because I hate him, it just feels very unatural.
I assume that I will feel the same way you do when he dies. It is ok if you don't feel such an overcoming grief for him. Just because someone is your family does not mean you have to feel something for them. That only comes with a certain kind of relationship over time, and unfortunalty he missed out on having that with you. I hope you are able to emotionally get over any anger you have for him, and whatever you feel for him or his death is alright. That is just how it will be, and causing yourself to feel guilt over not caring about something that is out of your hands will only huirt you more.

You are not a horrible person! You are perfectly normal and healthy. Of course you don't morn his death, you morn the day he decided to be dead to you. You morn his loss, for you that loss happened 12 years before his death. You have no need to cry or be sad for his actual death, you have mourned enough for this man.
Go live your life in a way pleasing to God, He is your father, and loves you very much. He will never leave you or forsake you.

I feel for you. I too was a daughter of an alcoholic who died almost 3 years ago as well and it is really hard. Like Denise said, I mourned "what could have been" and still do. There are so many unanswered questions and feelings that sometimes rear their head around these times, but you are normal and you should not feel guilty for your feelings.

About 2 years ago I was spending some time with my uncle (dad's brother) who looks and acts so much like my dad and is also an alcholic. It was really nice to see him, etc. etc. Then at about 10:00 he was totally lit and acting just like that old drunk that was all too familiar to me and my very first thought was 'thank god I don't have to deal with that anymore'. Of course, then I thought maybe I should feel guilty for saying that, but I didn't. I am happy that part of my life is over with the constant worrying and the constant anger and the constant guilt he tried to put on me. I miss my dad, but I hadn't known him for a while. Don't feel horrible, because you aren't. Try and remember good times if you want and if you don't, that's okay too.

You're not the horrible person -he was. It's perfectly normal of you to have very mixed emotions and feelings about the situation. If you really feel it and you want to mourn him on 12/3 every year, go ahead, but I wouldn't worry about it if you fail to give it a second thought. There is no certain way we should feel after people die. It really DOES depend on how they treated us while they were living! He wasn't very good to you, so don't feel guilty about any of your feelings or lack thereof.

I think what you are grieving is the loss of the father you never had. I think we always hold out a slim hope that they might change, and they might turn into a real, caring parent someday. So when they die, that possibility is gone. You ache for what might have been.

He hadn't changed all those years, and he was not going to. It's a sad fact of life when any of us don't receive the parents we deserve. All you can do is "pay it forward" in parenting your own kids.

There are different stages of grief and you are going through the stages. You grieved when he left you and your family. You grieved when he'd come back into your life and grieve when he left again. And because of this odd history you aren't quite sure what you are grieving now. Is it his death? His life? The life he should have given you if he had made better choices? Death doesn't answer any questions it just gives you a ton of new ones in a complicated relationship.

Let yourself feel anything you feel. There's no right or wrong way to feel, no time limit on feelings.

I don't think you should feel "guilty" in a sense for a position you hold as his daughter and not being able to feel sad. I think it is ok to not feel that deep sense of remorse because you did NOT really spend time with him to develop a closer relationship. So even though by genetics you are his daughter, you would sense a connection if you had more time around him. You are honoring him by remembering his death and that's commendable. No you are not a horrible person. I think you may have some hidden remorse to him leaving you and your family and his death may make you feel better in a sense that you now have a legitimate reason to get rid of your anger.

You are not a horrible person at all. It is very normal. Just because he was your father by title, he was not there to fulfill his father duties, so therefore you have quite a few mixed emotions. My suggestion to you is to find closure for yourself and leave it in the past. Whatever closure means to you, do it for your sake most importantly and your family. My grandpa was not really apart of my dad's life and when my grandpa passed away, I feel like my dad has changed. He doesn't have closure and has affected our family deeply. Sometimes moving on for the sake of the family you have created is worth leaving the past behind.

hello
all those feelings are VERY normal... especially when dealing with a parent (let alone absentee one) who drank... As someone who grew up around drinkers.... I think it's very common to experience MANY things... one thing you might be experiencing and not realizing is a feeling of sadness, but not sadness over what was but rather what could have been.... Additionally, i'ts not uncommon for anyone who lost someone (whether they loved them or not) to experience the dying at many different levels.... It's really uncommon for ANYONE to get over a death just like that... why?? because humans are complex.. what might not have bothered you then, all of a sudden is triggered in you now (example.. the sense of guilt you feel) we as humans, change and grow and it's very normal to at one time have felt a sense of relief but now feel some guilt.. it all comes with the territory of being human. Also, sounds like you experienced his death TWO times.. the first when he left you... (an emotional death) and then the second >> the actual physical death.... With these TWO deaths, comes DIFFERENT emotions... or at least at different times... Also, IF you, yourself have a child and see what all goes into truly raising a child and the amount of love and care that is needed, depending upon your own upbringing, you might then begin to really become sad because you begin to realize and feel the DEPTH of what his leaving did to you..... My advice to you to help you try and move past this is this.. One, try and stop with the "shoulds" otherwise you will "should" as it were all over yourself :) how do you stop this? you stop by first becoming cognizant of that fact that you are doing this kind of "self-talk" once you begin to feel like you "should" feel this or that way, STOP yourself... otherwise that negative voice will eat you up ALL day long.. STOP yourself and instead take a step back and say to yourself, ENOUGH... also, tell yourself you are NOT to blame for his wrongdoings , instead... replace the should with (as you say, he is okay now) but more importantly so are you..... what's important here is that you acknowledge YOU in this.. albeit he is dead, sounds to me like you have taken over some of HIS suffering.. let yourself choose happiness... it DOES take work.. it's not easy... but if you can catch yourself each time you begin that negative self-talk.. you ll at least be better able to nip it in the bud...
Lastly.. you know Dec 3rd is coming around again.... take steps that this year you will approach it differently.. ask yourself what are some of the things you can do to make it less difficult?? could be each day instead of feeling guilty.. you might send your father a blessing... however, you send the blessing not necessarily for him but for you.. to help you release your past...this way you don't stay forever frozen in time and for the next 30 yrs dread Dec 3rd.. if not a blessing.. then a kind thought, whatever works for you... it's just important to get that energy changed... the other thing .. only allow yourself a LIMITED amount of time to feel the guilt (As it won't go away over night) but as you feel it... say ok.. yeah I feel guilty.... then move past it... it we allow ourselves to feel crappy for too long, then this will go on for too long...
anyway.. I have rattled on long enough..
but as someone who has been EXACTLY where you are.... I can assure you, you can get past this.. you have more control over this then you think.. it does however begin with you... start now, start with recognizing that you came this far in life and that is a GREAT thing.. give yourself some credit..
best of luck to you

You have mourned the loss of your father.

Abandonment is never easy. The emotions are complex. My father abandoned me years ago. I met up with him when I was in my late 20s while pregnant with my own child. I delt with the anger, grief, resentment, and loning years ago. Sure, some if it flashed when I met him again, but is quickly disapated. So, do not be disturbed if your grief now is not as raw as it was when he left you years before. In a way, your father died then.

Also, I hope you understand that emotion is, in many ways, an unique experience. Your father may not have known how to love, or how to show his love. With alcoholism in the mix, that further disables one to act and react to one's world, physcially, mentally and emotionally. I am sorry that you did not have the story book father daughter experience. I understand that loss or percieved loss.

However, your experiences made you who you are today and you have the choice to draw strength and compassion from them or to allow them to stew inside you. Do not feel guilty. Guilt is far overrated. Let the emotions flow over you. Talk to someone, a friend or counselor to process through these myriad and seemingly conflicting emotiona...and ultimately I hope you understand that the feelings you describe are quite understandable for your experiences, I would say they are normal, and that you are not a horible person for feeling this way.

Take care.

You are not only normal, you are a wonderful daughter who deserved a more responsible, caring father. He missed out way more than you did, because you would have loved him and cared for him and missed him. He wasn't that person to you, though. His HUGE loss. I am sorry.

My grandmother raised me and she hated me every day of my life, except when I was acting like her servant with the hope that she would come to love me. I gave up on her when I was 17 and decided she wasn't worth it. She went through years of illness after that and finally ended up in a coma for 6 months. I went out of obligation to see her when she was in that coma and I cried my eyes out, not because I felt bad for her but because that horrible person had escaped and only this feeble shell of a pitful old woman was left. The nurse put her arms around me and whispered, "I know she was a wonderful person." What an odd thing to hear.

She died and I was relieved. The guilt, the final longings, the disappointment all were ended. She was gone and I was free.

I have since come to forgive her and have a lot of pity for her, but not love. I feel sorry for a woman who had a tough life and must have been mentally ill to have not loved one grandchild out of many. WHy me? I don't know. What her issues were I don't understand, but they were hers and not mine. I was fine. She wasn't. I'm sad for her, but no longer for me.

You didn't abandon him, he abandoned you and the consequences of that are naturally that you grieved the loss of your father. The man who passed wasn't much of a father any more and you'd alreayd grieved. You're going to be fine. Free yourself. Enjoy being free. You deserve that. You're a good person.

Hugs to you.