Death

If you haven't already, I would get her into a some kind of grievence counciling group. I would look for a group with others her age.

For grief counseling and assitance
You can call The Kid's Place
Provides a safe, support group environment for chidren,
ages 5-19 and their adult caregivers.
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Dear J., Your daughter is lucky to have a father willing to what needs to be done for her well being. You are already doing the right thing by asking for help and not trying to go at it alone. As you can tell by the abundance of responses, counseling is a must. There are so many support groups and one on one counseling sessions that are established to deal with this sort of thing. A great resource for these programs is the Boys and Girls Club National Hotline. They can give you a wealth of information. And in a pinch they can give you and your daughter immediate relief from a crisis. Also contact your local police station. They keep a listing of places through victims services.
But one of the best pieces of advice I have ever heard was "If you treat them like they are broken, they will be". Your daughter is going to go through highs and lows and a crazy mix of emotions she will struggle to deal with. Keeping her life as close to normal as possible will give her one less thing to worry about. Don't change thier schedule, remain consistant with your discipline, and don't allow behavior that you wouldn't have allowed before. When she acts outdiscipline as normal but then sit down and discuss why she felt the need to act out that way. Keep the channels of communication wide open and let her know it's ok to feel this way. Tell her how much you miss her too and think of ways to show her Mommy that she misses her without acting out. Like draw a picture or write her a letter and tie it to a balloon. then then can release the baloons and "send them to heaven". Have a remember Mommy party where you all put on a something that reminds you of her and invite family to tell happy stories. Let her pick something out of her mother's closet and keep it under her pillow, so when she awakens at night she can snuggle with it (try spraying it with some of your wife's perfume). Find ways to keep reminding you girls of all the good times they had with thier Mommy. And although it may hurt, the more you talk about her the lighter your heart will be. I wish you lots of luck and you will be in my prayers.

J. I am so sorry for you and for your family. I thoughts and prayers are with you.

My daughters lost their dad almost two years ago. They were ages 5 and 7 at the time. It was and had been a very difficult transition and time for us all. I understand what you must be going through and what your children are going through.

All the suggestions that have been given to you are very good ones. My daughters grieved and coped with it in totally different ways. My oldest, who is 9 now, is still having a very hard time missing her dad. Best thing I can do for her is just to hold her and give her love and attention and let her know it's OK to cry and to be sad and to miss him. I try to support her and allow her to talk if she wants or not to talk.

Its an overwhelming experience, not only for you, having to deal with all the anger issues about why did they leave you to deal with the children alone (yes, totally irrational, but it happens... I still have my moments where I cry and scream alone for him leaving me to raise our daughters by myself) but for the little ones who don't understand really what happened.

It will take time, and patience. I took my daughter to see a child counelor and while it may not have helped her much, it helped me to see what she was going through and to give her the space and support she needed.

If you need to talk, to someone that know all to well what you are going through, you can email me at: ____@____.com

Good luck, and stay strong. It's OK to be sad.. and to let them see you sad.

C.

I'm so sorry about what you are going through. My husband passed away 7 months ago. I miss him every day but time does help. As far as your daughter goes, I lost an aunt who was like a mother to me when I was 11 & it changed me. I would suggest therapy because this is a tramatic thing that could haunt her for the rest of her life if she doesn't learn how to express her feelings well. She may need help getting through the steps of the grieving process. She may be feeling things that she doesn't understand which could explain her behavior. This could cause permantent damage in her life if she doesn't get the help she needs. If you'd like to talk about what you are going through with losing your wife just leave me a message.

Hello J.,
I know what you are going through. I lost my husband 5yrs. ago he was crushed by a car, he was working on. Right now you need to find some place for them to go talk to some one, have your kids start writing or drawing there feelings. My son didn't want to talk to me. The only thing I can tell you is you need to stay strong,let the kids see you cry sometimes so they know you hurt to. Even if they will not talk to you you need to talk to them. They will sort all of this out in there heads. They will be ready to talk sooner then you think. It might take a year or to. We all grieve different. Well good luck to you and hang in there and be strong. Sorry for the loss.God bless

My mother died when i was seven. I suggest counceling for all of you. You are dealing with so much right now and every person grieves differently. I know when my mother died i was so confused and scared. I found out the hard way that those you love can leave you, even if it wasnt by choice it feels like it. I was so scared my father would leave too that every time i my father left i was terrified he wouldnt come back and i didnt have anyone to voice my fears to so it ate me up inside until i had ulcers. My father didnt want to talk about my mother because it was so painful for him. No one did and to this day it is still that way so all the things i want to know about my mother goes un answered. What was her favorite flower? Did she love me? Do i have her sense of humor? When she is ready please tell things about her mom even if it hurts she is so young her memory fades and she will want something to hold onto of her mother. My father remarried right away wanting to give my sister and i a mother which was horrible for everyone so it didnt last. All i can say is i am sorry for your loss. Seek help if you can that will help all of you. Im sure she is angry at the world for taking her mom.

Hey J.,

I don't have advice for the situation with your daughter, but did want to write to say my husband and I have been praying for you and your family since your sister first posted on here about what happened and asked for some funeral advice. For some reason your situation touched me and I shared what had happened with my husband and we've been praying for you guys often since then. I am very sorry for your loss, and I'm sure it will be a long and difficult road to recover from the grief that you and the kids are experiencing now. But please know that there are people out there thinking of you guys and hoping you all can make it through by leaning on each other and God. Good luck with everything, I'm sure it's an adjustment to abruptly be a single parent--I know I couldn't do it on my own! But it's great that you're on this site, I have learned so much on here from other moms and the support is wonderful. Hopefully you might get the same experience.

she may just need time to open up. do you have a sister, or a sister-in-law...or another close woman in your life that might be able to spend time with her to help her open up? it might just be a woman offering to take her out shopping, or go do some girlie thing like get their nails painted or go get ice cream or something, and in the course of that she might feel like opening up. don't pressure her, let her open up in her own time. continue to love her and try to be patient. i know you are dealing with a lot yourself. make sure you get the time you need to "let it out" either with friends or time alone. see if you can find a babysitter once a week or something and get some "you" time. make sure that your emotions are well taken care of so that you can give your daughter the patience she needs. it's only been a month...you will need time to grieve. it will be hard to allow yourself to do that, knowing all the responsibilities that lie on your shoulders now. but be patient with yourself too, and ask for support from others. i'm so sorry to hear of your loss and pray that peace will cover your home.

Hey, Welcome to MamaSource. I think it's great you joined. I'm so so sorry about your wife's passing. I'm sure it's super h*** o* the kiddos too. Your six year old's behavior problems are definately expected with such a trauma. My first suggestion would be to have her see a therapist. If you can't afford it, there are some places that will charge based on your income...this is SO inportant! There might even be child geared books out there that can help start some conversations, I'd check out amazon.com. I remember your sister posting on here and I'm glad you decided to join too. Good luck with everything and hang in there, it must be really tough, but it sounds like you've got a great support system.

Death of a parent is very tragic for a little one. They do not fully understand, may feel responsible, or possibly going through the steps of grief themselves. Sometimes a change of pace could be good for a child. Trips to the zoo, picnics, camp, VBS at church, sleepovers with other kids or grandparents are all possibilities. Maybe joining a program to release her hurt or anger is good as well such as...TaeKwon-Do, gymnastics, Karate, dance, softball or art classes. This allows the aggression, hurt, anger, unsurity of life to come out and the self esteem and feeling of control to rise.

The most important thing to remember is that your child is suffering just as you are. The child does not understand any more than you may AND could be holding themselves responsible should an argument have incurred before the accident. Children think in different ways than an adult. You need to remember to give her lots of time and space but spend quality time with her as well. Showing her you love her is top of the list as well. She needs that feeling of stability as her whole world has crumbled. When she lashes out it could be just like her terrible two's and horrible three's. She is searching for her boundaries to life as her boundaries have been broken in two.

Should you still have problems with her coping and readjusting then the possibility of a child therapist would be beneficial to her. Maybe even find a therapist or counselor for yourself. You are not alone in this turn of events. There are others searching for shoulders to lean on as you now are. You are allowed to show your grief and still be a strong dad. It is good for children to know that their parents cry...it shows them that their parents have feelings too.

May God lessen the pain of your loss and remind you of all the good times together you've had. God Bless! Lilly :)

How horrible J.. This has probably affected the six year old the most because she understands what has happened the most. My first advice would be to not try to handle all of this on your own. I would definitely look into therapy for the children as this is probably a very hard time for all of you. Hang in there.

I have never had to deal with this, so this is not the voice of experience and I would definitely welcome other opinions, but I am currently going through nursing school and learning some about child development. This was a traggic experience for both of you. The pain is still so new, and it may take time for her to proccess the whole idea of what has happened. It might not be a bad idea eventually to find a child psychologist, but first give her some time (6 months min.) to proccess. Don't allow her to get away with things she was not allowed to do before. She needs the stability of knowing there is still limits, and it would probably be easy for you because you feel the pain and mabey guilt that she has lost here mother so soon, not that you feel responsible, just that you feel the unfairness of it all. It is going to be one of the worst things of your life in that you have to be strong for the kids, around the kids. You need time to heal too, so take some time away from them (even if it is an hour here or there). To get away and cry or run, or deal with loss in your own way. I want you to know, my family and I will be praying for you and yours as you deal with this major loss. I hope this helps.
singingnursenita

My mom passed away when I was 12. She was sick for several years before that, but kids are never prepared. Counseling for the whole family is an ABSOLUTE MUST! My father, bless him, did his very best, but was totally unprepared to raise 4 kids without a spouse. We all had some sort of issues to deal with and we really needed support that our dad couldn't give to us. This was not his fault, of course, but grieving comes in many forms and kids really need extra help. My daugther, who was 9 at the time, had a really tough time when her great-grandmother died. She had separation anxieties and started pulling her hair out. We put her in counseling immediately and she was better able to deal with her feelings. Love the kids, be there for them always, but seek professional help. Good luck to you all!

wow, you are dealing with a huge issue. I applaud your efforts, but sometimes outside help is the best way to go. Children at age 6 don't always have the words to say what is going on inside of them so they act out. Personally, I'd seek some professional help.

Is there something she likes to do? Like draw? You could have her draw how she feels. Encourage her to outlet her feelings into something she enjoys, dancing, music, any kind of art. Maybe play dolls with her, see what's she's doing with the dolls or puppets. Since your wife's death was so sudden, maybe she needs a way to say goodbye. If she intergrates her mom into her doll play, maybe that would be a good opportunity for you to show her how to say goodbye. She could probably use to talk to a therapist, they'll know how to play with her or encourage her to express herself.
I wish you and your family peace.

Hey J.~
First off Sorry for your loss. And Second, welcome to mamasource. Girls are interesting creatures to say the least! I have a 9 yr old and 3yr old, and some days they scare the H*!! out of me! Something I started about kindergarten with my daughter was a journal. She has a notebook she can draw, write or even ask me questions she isnt willing to ask in person. I feel as though this has helped us many times. When she ask's ?'s, she will write it out and leave the notebook somewhere personal to me...like under my pillow, or by my make-up. Art therapy in children can be very helpful too. Plus it is something you can do at home relativly (sp?) cheap. Get the crayons, paint and paper out and ask everyone to draw what they feel inside, or when something happened. one more tid bit of insightful help.....I have recently come to the great reality that taking a huge deep breath before screaming at my children is a WONDERFUL thing.So that being said..here is my new trick. When we (me and Kids) are having a "moment" of frusrtation, before I scream something at them...even just "go to your room" I take a deep breath, slowly, then I just speak in my regular voice or even a whisper to my child. I have always know that screaming or yelling really does no good, but I have always had a hard time not doing it until now.
I will be thinikin' of you and your kiddos!
S.

J.:
I am sorry to hear about your loss, and I praise you for raising your children, I know it is no easy task.You all are dealing with an enormous trauma. Everyone (including children) deals with grief differently. Your daughter may still be in the denial phase. Have you checked out local support groups for children? It may be a good place to start.

A. L

J.,
My heart goes out to you and your family. You are an awesome DAD! It shows that you are very intune with the needs of your children just by recognizing that your little girl needs some help. I am not sure where your faith stands but if you do go to church you might check to see if your pastor has any suggestions of where you might get the kid's in some grief counseling. I also know that there is a program called Big Brother's/Big Sister's that help to mentor and fill a void that your daughter may be feeling due to your wife's death. I can't even begin to imagine the loss your daughter is feeling at her age. I have a daughter Madelyn who is 6 and Emma who is almost 4. I know that I am their everything right now. They look up to me and strive to do their best for me. They want to do everything I do cook, clean, laundry, put makeup on, paint toes and fingernails. There is just a special bond and a special female connection that a little girl and Mommy have.

J. hold her and love on her. But, most of all be patient with her. Also the best thing that you can do for your kiddo's is to get some counseling yourself. They will begin to feel better once you do. She is also trying to see if you are going to be as enforceful as your were before since things are different and you know they are hurting. Don't forget that they need your discipline as well as your love. They will respect you more in the long run.

I hope this has helped. I will be praying for you and your family.

W.

My biggest and most valuable piece of advice I can give you is grief counseling. She is just really angry that her Mom isn't around anymore, confused why her Mom would be taken from her, and worried about what will happen to her and her siblings, and scared to death that something could also happen to her Dad. If your insurance will not cover the cost (most will) and you can't afford it, get help for her. Most states will even support this, or talk to support groups about the help they may have received. I am so sorry for your loss. Don't be afraid to ask for help for yourself also! Talking always helps, even for guys! haha

I suggest pychotherapy. It is a very productive way of dealing with such a major life change. The therapist can also help you with things you can do to talk with your daughter and help her to open up more and hopefully nip this behavior change in the butt. It is a very good idea, in my opinion, to start the healing process for the both of you and talking to someone on the "outside" may prove to be very helpful!!
I truely believe in therapy and it has proven helpful to me in the past. However I do believe that psychiatrists like to perscribe lots of medications and I dont personally believe in that. Talking to someone may prove to be all the help your daughter and you need!!
I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you take my advice and I hope it helps. Death is one of the most painful parts of living and it takes a lot to cope with it.
God bless,
--S.

First off I am really sorry for loss of your wife. You all are going through a difficult time. Your daughter may dealing with the loss different from everyone else. Though she says nothing is wrong you as a dad know there is. I wouldn't force her to talk about it but let her come to you when she needs you. Let her know that you are available to talk when she is ready. Try to be there for her as much as you can. Show her that you are still the same loving dad and that everyone is hurting and that it is ok to hurt and cry. Maybe it would help if you and her talked to the school councelor or got some other outside help such as a preacher or something. Sometimes girls can not talk to thier fathers very easily and maybe talking to the school counselor will help.

I too am soooo sorry for your family's loss, I can't imagine how difficult things must be right now. I agree a theripist is needed. You might also talk to her school. I have a divorced friend who's children see a theripist for free at the same building where WIC is. Her kid's school directed her to them.

I am glad you wrote. We have all been concerned since your sister first wrote. This is an outstanding resource of support and advice that will for sure help you with your 3 kids!!!

I'll keep it short....get a therapist. It may take your kiddos a long time to sort through their feelings. They would all benefit!

I'm so glad your here....welcome!!

Please keep us posted!!!

I am very sorry for the loss your whole family is experiencing. It is a difficult situation I know. You have a good sister, I believe she posted asking advice for you and your children recently. She loves all you very much.

The only thing I can offer right now is just love her. She's having such a hard time, which is beyond understandable, and she doesn't know how to handle it. Children try to control what they can when they can control nothing. She has lost the woman who was her world, and consequently feels powerless. So she's going to try to control everything in her world that she can.

I would imagine in her mind it's I could lose daddy. So she might believe if she controls everything then it won't happen. I understand the trickiness to the situation. You all are grieving and will be for a long long time, and no one will forget your wonderful wife and mother. But at the same time you have to be dad and uphold those duties which is difficult when something like this happens.

When my uncle lost my aunt, he let his 3,2, and 7mos children have anything they could imagine. They are not spoiled now, or at least they don't act like it. But I think he finally figured out how to balance it all. Because when something like this happens your natural reaction is to let it go, they've been through so much, and you want to give them anything in the world they want. But always bear in mind, they will need disciplined when the need is there. It was something he had to learn because when they were very young they did show to some degree how much they were allowed to do anything.

So just make sure she knows that what the two of you expected them to behave like is still in effect and always will be. They are children and should do what they are told. But at the sametime given what happened there needs to be some leniancy. I think she is doing it because she doesn't know how to express her anger that her mother is not there with her. Which is a natural feeling for losing someone, but for us we know how to voice that anger. Just keep on telling her you will listen when she wants to talk. That's wonderful you're doing that. She will always have that in mind, and maybe she doesn't want to talk right now. But a week from now, a month, or maybe even a year, she could start talking because she knows you're there to listen to her.

J.,
I am so sorry for your loss. I do praise you for raising your kids by yourself. I do hope you have someone to talk to when your day gets overwhelming with 3 little ones whom have lost their mother and you, your wife. Your daughter probably feels abandoned by her mother. The only way she knows how to vent is to misbehave. Did your children attend the funeral services? You might try and take your daughter to the cemetary where your wife is buried and let her say good-bye or take flowers to lay on the gravesite. She tells you she is fine, but obviously she is taking the death extremely hard. I have a six year old daughter that would probably do the same if anything were to happen to me since her and I are really close. We lost a friend of ours that loved my children like a grandmother and she was killed in a car wreck about 18 months ago. I didn't take my children to the funeral services, but I did take them to the gravesite later on to say their good-byes. We still go on occasion especially my daughter and me. It could help with healing process. If you do take your daughter to the gravesite let her know that she can talk to her mother if she chooses to, give her a little space and see what happens. I hope this suggestion helps. God Bless!!

I am very sorry to hear about that,it must be very tough!The only suggetion I know to give is having her talk to a professional.Sometimes there are just some things we can not help our children through.We don't know just the right way to word certain things or how to get all of thier feelings out of them.If she won't talk to you I would definately get her into a counseling.You could even start with the school.Just make sure they specialize in children.Some churches offer free services also.Good luck and God Bless!

This is a really hard time for all of you. I am very sorry about your loss. I don't know if there is really anything that you can do right now. Everyone mourns differently and this sounds like part of the mourning process. Hopefully the phase will end soon and she will open up and talk to you about her feelings. If there is someone, probably a woman or girl, who she is close to, she may be willing to open up to her. This is an unbelievable tough time for you all and I will keep you all in my prayers.

I am so sorry for your loss, i can only imagine what you are going through, As for you daughter i would try to get her into some counseling. I think that might help alot. Good Luck Hope all goes well.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your children.

Your daughter is so young that it may be difficult for her to comprehend what death really means and I agree with one of the PP here that said that maybe she's terrified about something happening to you that she's acting out.

Keep her talking but don't force her. Maybe tell how you are feeling might help her realize that she doesn't have to be the strong one or she'll see that you understand what she's going through.

I too would check into a youth counseler. Someone that could talk to her on her level, maybe another woman b/c sometimes girls need another woman to talk to.

Just let her know that you know she's hurting and you want to help and you'll be there for her. Try to keep her on a routine, death like this is so unexpected and she may feel like her world is spinning out of her control. If she has a routine to where she can predict what is planned or what is going to happened then she may calm down and feel like she's in control again.

Good luck and I'll be praying for you.

hi J., it looks like you've received alot of good advice here, so i'll be short....i agree she needs to talk to a therapist. i might be a good idea for the whole family to talk to someone. good luck and know that you have people out here praying for you.