I just became a new mom and I just became a stepsister to someone I'll call Pam. Pam is very nice and wants to help me because I am a new mom and she has three older kids. She is a little older than me but not much. She has been married along time to Rick and they have like the ideal life. I got a late start in figuring out what I want out of life. So I am new to everything like marriage and being a mother. I want to do it all right.
Pam has an answer for everything. we're sitting around having a barbeque and someone asks about my baby. I say he is teething or something and she has the most sensational teething story of one of her 3 kids. She has advice and will email me links to this and that when she gets home. And that would be great if I asked. But there is never a time for me to just talk to my family about what is going on in my life anymore because suddenly there is this older sister who has done it all. I think she thinks she is helping but I just feel overshadowed already by her having a perfect life and me struggling to put it all together. And then I start talking and she finishes off my topic and taht is the end of that.
I guess I sound jealous and maybe I am. But I didn't ask to have a sister. She is nice and all, too nice. But it is hard enough to deal with a new sister and a new stepmom, but then she has already been through everything 3 times, so everything I go through she makes sound trivial. I wish she would just say, "I am so sorry he's teething. What can I do to help?" instead of "I never gave my kids tylenol for teething and they turned out fine."
I'm not saying I wish I was the only girl again, that my baby was the only baby. Just that I don't know how to deal with my jealousy of her having it all together. And I don't know how to say "But this is MY baby....can't we just talk about my baby?"
I work with someone like that. I just pretend she is not talking and continue what I am saying without even looking at her or responding to her in anyway. It is kind of fun. I am getting really good at tuning her out completely.
Wow! I am sorry you are experiencing that. Its so frustrating. I Have been there. I dont know what to suggest. but I wanted to let you know that if you need to blow of some steam and frustration. You have an open ear.. send me an email. :o)
Good Luck with Everything!
Well I guess if you wanted to you could tell her how it makes you feel.
Dear J.,
Well I guess I want to say "I'm sorry," because I've been just like your step-sister (towards my sister-in-law) and I've had my older Step-sister do the same thing to me! So I can relate to your situation from both sides of the issue.
The first piece of advice I have to offer is not to get easily offended. My Step-sister (Who is a Dr. of internal medicine) and I have gotten to know each other better and I have learned that if I don't want her 'advice,' I need to be specific when I start speaking about just needing someone to listen.
I, in turn, have learned that my Sister-in-law used to feel very competitive towards me (because she thought that I was trying to present my family as 'perfect,' too) and resented my 'advice' and stories.
Neither one of you is 'right' in this situation, but your feelings are valid, and have to be dealt with. I often tell my children that our feelings are like light lights on a dashboard: they are not the real problem, but a sign that you need to get deeper and discover the cause. You can't just turn out a 'light' and solve your 'engine' problems!
You and your step-sister (and your children)are part of what is now a larger family and will have to make some concessions. I suggest that you put yourself in the place of a parent, for example, what would you do if you had another son who was 3 years younger than Ethan and they started to have this kind of conflict? How would you feel and how would you suggest they resolve it?
I believe conversation would be the best route. She is obviously, like myself, a 'talker' and wants to know that her thoughts, feelings and experiences are valuable. I wonder, does she have another sister? Both my Step-sister and myself were adults when we 'got' younger sisters, so we were a little inept at 'big-sistering.'
I think you should take the initiative and invite her out to lunch, just the two of you, and get to know one another as women, not just mothers, sisters and daughters. You should find a way to admit, with a smile, your feelings and ask her to help you sort through them. You might be surprised by her reciprocation of insecurity!
I was a little hesitant about writing this...wondering if once again I was being a 'bossy big sister' type...but I am hoping that my experiences on either side of the issue will help you to move forward and become friends with your Step-sister. That friendship could become a blessing to your entire family, and also help when your children are older and have sibling and/or cousin issues.
(Also, I wanted to add that talking about the differences in the ways you want to raise your children can help curb some uneasy feelings. She may think you are 'searching' for this information, and so trying to offer advice to help.)
Mostly, I hope that you will be patient and not easily offended by your new Step-sister. As another Mom said, NO family/mother is "perfect" and we all need friendship and support. I have learned that sometimes, when a family member is at their most difficult is when they are the most insecure and in need of our loving reassurances.
I really hope I was able to help!
Best Regards,
(A Reforming "Know-It-All") K.
i cant tell you what to do about the know it all stuff, i think that we all know someone like that. as far as her having a perfect life, i bet she doesn't. no one does. she may be miserable at home, or with her children when no one is watching. that may be why she has to pretend like she knows it all when you are around. there may be many things about your life that she envies a lot. the fact that you waited a while to get married and have children, and you had time to discover who you are and have your own life. if she never had that, she may be thinking that you have the perfect life. she may be wishing that she had grown up with your father, or that her children had always had him as a grandparent. you never know what she is thinking or wishing. try to ignore her, and enjoy just being a mommy to your new little angel.
J.,
You don't sound jealous at all. Not at all. This is your first time for everything. She sounds a bit jealous to tell you the truth. Almost as if she has to be in control or the center of it all and doesn't want you or your little one to have any lime-light. Or, possibly she's just over zealous and always wanted to be an older sister and doesn't know her boundries yet. Either way, you are treading on thin ice if you say anything about it. Here's an idea, you can hit "delete" when she sends you a link you didn't ask for. You can "coo" over Ethan during one of her stories, interrupt everyone and say "isn't he a baby doll?", walk away and tend to him. I wonder if then you would be able to tell if she was just super interested or if she just wants to run the show. If she's just being too excited about it all, she's going to have a pleasant interruption. If she's insistant and goes on without a nod his way, you'll kind of understand it isn't completely admirable on her part and maybe you'll know what you're dealing with. If she's just excited with all the newness of having a sister and nephew, you'll have to grin and bare it. If she isn't sincere, you'll begin to know that and then you really can just ignore the helpful advice she shovels out.
Either way, I know it's hard. I sympathize with you. I have an older sister that seemed to always steal the lime- light from me or my daughter when we were younger women. But it was easier for me, I grew up being in her shadow. Maybe older sister's are just like that? But, I felt the same way you do...but, knowing her so well I didn't want to trade my struggles for one minute for her country club, very perfect looking life she "seemed" to have. Maybe once you get to really know her you'll see it isn't that you're jealous, she's just stealing your thunder like some older sister's do. GOOD LUCK J. and hugs to your dear sweet little boy!
Ugh that does sound difficult! I would suggest having a private conversation about these issues with your step-sister. Maybe you could invite her out to lunch or something. Then I would explain to her your feelings - that you know she has already done it all, but that it is exciting and new for you and you'd like to be able to share these experiences at family gatherings without interference and interruptions from her. She is probably also "fighting for her place" here in this new family arrangement, and so whatever you could do to make her feel welcome would probably also help and maybe she would calm down a bit and be able to let others talk.
I think that would be best if you could be direct and kind with her in private. However, if you can't do that or don't feel comfortable doing that, I'd suggest that next time she jumps in with her own story while you are talking that you politely but firmly say something like, "excuse me, Pam, but I'd like to finish my story please. We'd all be happy to hear yours after I'm done. Thanks." I'm guessing you'd only have to do this once - but be prepared for hurt feelings on her part (and embarrassment at having been busted interrupting), and be ready to offer her an olive branch. (Or be ready to duck if she's the fighting kind!).
P.S. No one has the perfect life! I'm sure she'd be shocked if she knew you thought she did.
I would just write a nice letter or email laying out your concerns just like you did here. Give a lot of praise for her wanting to help, and say you "don't want to start the relationship off on the wrong foot, but..." She probably doesn't even realize how she's coming off, and a lot of people may even come to her for advice, so she's just used to it.
And, as hard as it may be, try to understand that even if she says certain things as if that's all you ever need to know, that that is just *her* experience, and it may not help in *your* situation. Thank her out loud for wanting to help, and then privately do what you think is best. Do keep her opinion in mind, because many times there will be wisdom in it; but just because she acts like an authority doesn't mean she really has all the answers. She's just offering an opinion (an educated opinion, but just an opinion). It may be that her tone implies more authority than she means to convey.
Believe it or not, she's insecure and needs validation. Smile sweetly, say something noncommittal, like "What an interesting approach!", or "You could be right", then do what you feel is right for you and your husband and baby. While it never hurts to LISTEN to ideas/suggestions/experiences, it's always your right - and responsibility - to make choices that are appropriate for you.
sounds to me like your step-sister is working awful hard to make her life seem perfect. My bet... it's not. She may just see yours as the ideal life and is trying to outshine you on purpose.
With that said, stick to the subject at hand. Let her have her say, then go ahead and finish what you were saying. Don't apologize for not knowing it all... she doesn't either! Just because something worked for her, or she was at least satisfied with the results, does not mean it will work for you. She may not have minded that her babies were crying and had sore mouths from teething. She may have let them "tough it out". That doesn't mean that you have to do the same. Don't play the comparison game, no matter who "sets the deck". Don't go there. Never compair your children to anyone else's and take all advice (this included) with a grain of salt. Consider what is said, but don't take it to heart until you first make sure it is truly worth your while.
On the other hand, maybe your "step-sister" is truly trying to help, but doesn't realize she's causing trouble. In that case, a PRIVATE phone call to her may be in line. Just talk to her and tell her you appreciate her help but that you need to make some mistakes along the way and figure things out as you go.You have a natural mothering instinct too. Don't snuff it out for anything or anyone!!
As far as having a new stepmom, you are grown now. I'd refer to her as your dad's new wife, and try to just be her friend. There's never really going to be any closer relationship than that, and that's ok. You've probably never turned to her for your provisions or sole support, and probably never will. That's where the difference comes in.
Step up and shine, chick! Don't stand in anyone's shadow!!
Best wishes,
L.
Hi J.!
I think you are being h*** o* yourself. You are Ethan's mom and you know what is right for him! It is your decision. Take your step sister's input that you want and throw out the rest. I don't think you sound jealous - it is frustrating trying to talk about things going on in your life and have someone else tell you what to do or finish your sentence or one-up you with another story. Sounds like you would like to be listened to and not have the unsolicited advice. I want to encourage you that you know what is right for you and your son even if you haven't done it all before!! You will be a great mom and do it your own way and that is fine. There are no perfect parents - we all screw up!!
One thing a friend of mine would say to people who gave her unsolicited advice was something along the lines of "My pediatrician said to do (whatever)" and that can help because you are invoking a higher authority! You could take it even further and say God told me to do (whatever) since He is the ultimate authority!! (I'm just joking on saying that last part.) I just get amused when people give unsolicted parenting advice!!
Anyway, best of luck!! Take it easy on yourself. I'm sure you are doing a great job. Give it a little bit of time and I bet you will be confident of that also.
Cyndi
I have dealt with people like this. They are overbearing and no matter what the situation is they need to be the center of attention. All eyes and attention must be on them. Some of it may be jealousy but that would not account for all the situation I am sure. I would nicely but firmly say to her "help" Im glad that worked for you but all children are different. If she is a good mother she already knows that. Dont totally blow her advice off because you can listen and take what you feel is ligit and toss the rest. That is what motherhood is about. We do what we think is best. Trust me when I say I have gotten some good ideas from people that I could not stand.
Trust me when I say that her life is not perfect. That is what you see on the outside because that is what she offers. If you really got to know her and was with her she would prove to you that it is not perfect. There are a lot of people that lead a "perfect" life that get a divorce and everybody is stunned.
Sometimes being new and fresh into a relationship or any situation is good because we try twice as hard to do things the right way. Marriage and kids are a decision that you have to stick with. Marriage is not always a bowl of cherries and kids are not always on their best behavior. Both marriage and kids require work on all parties.
PS....I always gave tylenol to my teething kids. It just made things calmer and made me feel better. The thought of them being in pain made me ill so it eased my pain as well.
J., All the other suggestions sound great but I wanted to add and for you to keep in mind that what worked for her children, may not work for yours.
There is a saying I learned a LONG time ago that someone told me when I was the "ONLY" one doing going against the family norm....
"DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY"
That is the best advice I ever received and I continue to tell others about it.
She is going to be looking like a fool soon enough and she is being in a sense BOSSY Yep, she is meaning to or not.
She is also looking like HER way is the BEST way... just think of how much her children suffered without the Tylenol when they were teething. OUCH!
Tell her the next time starts her 'stories' that YOU KNOW what is best for your child and if you have a question you will ask. Make sure she is the LAST person you ever ask as she won't ever let you live it down.
Also when she starts talking about something, get up and go to the bathroom...
Tell her just because you are a new mom, doesn't mean you don't know what to do.
I had my DD when my DS was 14yrs old.. and you wouldn't believe how many people thought she was my first....I was almost 38 when I had her... when people started telling me their opinions, I just stated that I was already a mom for a long time, and I "KNEW" what was was best for my family, although it may be different from what worked for them... and asked them to respect my decision. PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
Sometimes you can't be nice as then they think you still don't know... Another thing, BE CONFIDENT, that is the key.
IF you act confident even if you aren't no one will offer any advice... tell them you know already.
And of course if you don't know, you can ask someone who you trust and that will respect your decisions.
Good luck, believe in yourself, just because you are a new mom, doesn't mean you don't know what to do.
Remember to DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!
Truthfully you sound like she's stolen the spotlight from you. That isn't bad or selfish or anything bad you can thinnk of. It's simply an adjustment. I will tell you in the future she will be a great resource for you. You can listen to her stories and not make her mistakes therefore making you a better mom than her. I know when my sisters have kids , I'm the oldest on have two kids, I will give them every bit of advice I can so they can be better than me.
I think you are a bit sensitive, new moms ALWAYS are and that includes me too. You may want to mention to her that she is such a great mom that you feel overshadowed by her. You may also want to go out to dinner, lunch with your parents without her so she isn't there to interupt. Maybe her mom or dad, her parent may want to get to know you .
Oh, I gave my kids tylenol and motrin all during their teething. My wisdom teeth hurt like hell and I'm not forcing my kids to deal with pain I don't want to suffer with.
Take the new parents out or have them over to your house without her. Everyone needs private bonding time. Who knows she may act this way because she doesn't want her limelight stolen by you.
Good luck, J.
Calm down! Did you ever think that maybe she feels her children are slighted because you have this new beautiful baby that everyone is wrapped up in. I think we all tend to see situations through the I mode. You do sound jealous and maybe you can't help it; but we never know what life will deal us. Be thankful that you have a nice step sister and step mom. Many people would be thankful for that! Just try and look at the situation from all angles. I know having your first baby is a big deal and no one is trying to take that away from you. Everyone knows he is YOUR baby as in the statement he is MY baby. Enjoy the moments -- all of this petty stuff is irrelevant in the big scheme of life.
J., I have a friend who is exactly like your step sister. She was a child development major and thought she knew everything about babies and kids. It drove me crazy. She was telling me how to raise my own kid. However, you just have to ignore it if it gets on your nerves and take some of the advice if you think it helps. It may also help to talk to her, or write a letter. You are a new mom and you are going to have insecurities, regardless of how anyone might make you feel. It comes with the territory. Just shut her out when she talks and than finish your story when she is done. Once she starts talking, say something like, "I'm not finished with my story yet, could you please hold on with yours." Be really nice about it, don't be rude. Just let everyone know you would like a chance to finish your story. Keep in mind that she may be jelous of you. Maybe she wants a new baby, maybe she wants the spot light too. Maybe she just trying hard to be friends because of the situation. It could be hard for her to be a new step sister. Ask her for advice, don't let her tell you what to do. Just say you'll try that next time if your method doesn't work. All parents are different, they don't all do the same things, nor do they raise the same kind of kids. You should remind her that all children are different and they don't all respond to the same things. I did not give my daughter tylenol when she was teething either; that was because she didn't have any problems; no crying, runny nose, or fever. Maybe your honey has issues and you want to help, if the peds says its ok, than do it. You want your little honey happy and comfortable. Give it some time with the step sister. Things may change over time, since this is a new arrangement for everybody.
Let me just say that I doubt her life is perfect either! I have a life that many others might envy, but of course, I see the mess no one else does, and think everyone must see right thru me and know what a horrible mom/wife I am. I hear differently from my friends, but still have those insecurities. My hubby is great, and my children behave pretty well in public, and they save all the *crap* for home, so I just see all the ways I screw up!
Now "Pam" may think she does have all the answers, and maybe she does have alot, so don't discount EVERYTHING she says, just take it with a grain of salt! You are right that every baby is different - all three of mine sure were/are, and my friends all have different situations that arise. But if you listen to all the advice around you (solicited or otherwise!), you can glean alot of helpful info!
I don't see myself as a "know-it-all" type, but I do know that I am a "Fixer" and try to always help people who complain about a problem. Maybe they aren't looking for someone to fix everything, only to listen and be supportive, and I do try to do that. But I also know that when someone is bringing up an issue that I've had some experience with, I will follow up their story with one of my own most of the time (not interrupting it!). I think I do this for many reasons, but the main one being that I like to help people realize that they are not alone! I know when I was a new mom, I was overwhelmed by EVERYTHING, and looking back my first baby was my easiest!! But I wanted advice from ANYONE and EVERYONE! I even followed some of my parents' and grandparents' kooky old wives' tale advice and 9 times of 10, they worked! HA!
I also feel that sharing my experiences is what helps me bond to people I don't know all that well, and that weren't in my life when I was going through it. She may just be looking to form a friendship with her new step-sister, and not realize how rudely she behaves. I have a sis-in-law with much the same personality, but blessedly, I had all my kids way before they got started, so she can't be the "expert" on that facet of my life! She sure is with everything else. But our whole family, her husband included, just subtly ignore her ravings whenever possible, and look for the good in her, which there is a little of! :) I try to keep peace within the families so that my kids always have that structure and respect for their families that won't always be there in the way they are now. If I duked it out with my sis-in-law the way I wanted, my kids would NEVER see their only cousins again! She and I have had our tiffs, but I am usually the one to smooth things over, along with our hubbies (they are brothers, otherwise I doubt they'd care much!) - easier to not have more family problems to add to what you already have!
"Pam" is/was probably as insecure as you are as a mom (I think most of us are at some point) but tries to not look like it and to "be there for you". It is hard when they steal your thunder, and part of it IS probably jealousy on your part, but also on hers. Just try some of the lines some of these other Mamas have given, and when you can bear it, actually ASK for her advice on something, rather than starting out a story and waiting for her to jump in. She may be more prone to LISTEN to your problem, rather than cutting them off, dismissing or trying to better your story!
When you need some GREAT advice, just ask us Mamasource moms first and then see what Pam thinks!
Best wishes!
A.
J.,
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this right now. Going from an only child to a sibling is hard, even for toddlers. But when you're grown and married, a new mother, and then have an 'older sister' show up in the family ... what an adjustment!
Some people are compelled to prove that they are bigger, wiser, more experienced, and more successful than you. That is so frustrating for someone in your spot, but if you can, try to realize that those who do this are fighting a fundamental feeling of deep inferiority and a fear that they are somehow irrelevant. And regardless of how much these people - or anyone for that matter - may seem to have it all together, things are never, ever as perfect as they seem.
I get the sense that you are simply trying to find your own way, that you are eager to share your experiences as a new mom with those you love and that she is 'running block' on your journey. Don't despair. If you can just breathe through it, stay as calm as possible, and focus on your beautiful baby, time will soften things. Meanwhile, try calling your mom or dad and going to lunch with them, or getting together when it's just you and them. That way you'll have the space for your shoulders to relax, and to share your stories with them without fear of being 'upstaged' by your new stepsister who, by the way, has a new step sister, too.
Best of luck.
I can only think to "Kill her with Kindness" for example,
"Is that so?" and continue your story.
"Wow, Pam, that is really great for you, may I finish my story now?"
"Pam I really appreciate the interest you have taken in my family, but I'd really like to try to find my own way. I know you are there for me if I need some good advice"
IF pam is conscientious, you can politely say, "Pam, I am not finished with my story, I'd really like to tell it so that we can then hear yours."
My advice to you, she is who she is. You can't change that. It seems she is oblivious to the needs of the rest of the world as it is overshadowed by her own neediness. For this it is helpful to remember that you have no control over her & what she says & does. You can change your perspective or focus in a situation to see it differently.
It does not serve you to carry feelings about something that ultimately has nothing to do with you, and that you have no control over. Frustrating, I know. But a change in perspective can ease that.
I hope that you find balance in these situations.
J.,
Bless your heart. First of all it may be a little jealousy but I have been around people that have an answer to everything and has done everything and knows it all. My X in laws were like that. I grew to dispise them terribly and cringed everytime I was around them. In your case, you take that and add a little jealousy and I know it doesn't feel very good.
Try doing an exercise. Everytime she does that, just say to yourself that you are better than she is and you are a good person and that doesn't bother you / SHE doesn't bother you and you have the better life.
You certainly don't want to cause any friction or make anyone mad or cause trouble in your parent and new partners marriage or some kind of war between the 2 families. The reality is that everyone else probably sees what she is doing too. They are just trying to be nice also. And you know, I bet you anything that later on you are going to see that her life isn't all a bed of roses as it appears and she has to say these things to show everyone that it is because it really isn't. That is probably a cover because she is not really very happy. And if the truth is known, she probably has an answer for everything you say because she is looking at your life and thinking that you have a much better life and wished that she could do it all over again just like you have done it. After all, you waited longer to get married; maybe she wishes that she had waited longer and done more things before she got married. You waited longer before you had children; maybe she feels that she had children too young. She probably envies your life. Everytime you are around her and she does this, just say to yourself over and over and over that you have the better life. I would imagine that pretty soon, you will begin to see a few things about her that you never imagined. I doubt if her life is all that "fairytalish".
In the mean time, take the advice that she gives and learn from it. The things that aren't important, just ignore. I think that the longer you have to deal with it the easier it will get. You don't have to live in the same house as her and you don't have to see her that often.
If this goes on longer than expected, you may want to step in and say that you are a firm believer in Tylenol that you don't see any reason to suffer if you don't have to because they have done studies and have documented that pain sometimes causes psychological problems later in life. ( I couldn't tell you what they have documented about Tylenol, but it sounded good.) The point is, break out your own BS.
You'll be fine.
Good luck
It may just be that she really likes you and she is trying to be helpful. This may be the first time she has had a "sister" and she doesn't really know how to go about being a sister to you. Give her time and try to remember when she is getting on your last nerve that she probably means well.
My mother in law had all boys. She really didn't know how to handle having a daughter in law. It was tough at first and still trying at times even after 20 years. I was the oldest of 5 kids and my mom worked. I will never forget when my mother in law told me how to make green bean casserole and treated me like an idiot that did not know how to cook. I may have been a new "wife", but I had been cooking dinner for younger siblings since I was in the third grade. I was very offended at first and then I realized that she was just tring to be helpful and she did not know how to be a mom to a daughter.
Give your new older "sister" a chance. She may turn out to be a wonderful sister to you. I am still waiting on my mother in law to become a good mom to me....it may be a long wait. :o)
You can simply let her know that every child is different and that you have already read a number of things about the subject matter on the internet. Some are helpful and some aren't. As for the tylenol, tell her that, no offense, but you are more likely to listen to your pediatrician than anyone else. Try not to be hasty because you know she's really only trying to help and many of us mothers love talking about our experiences with our kids. I also think that even if she does throw her two cents in, you should listen, but then continue to talk about Ethan. Just because she pipes up- doesn't mean people are done hearing about Ethan or you're done talking about him.
I have a "friend" who is like this and the best way to deal with people like that is to just smile and sometimes say nothing then continue what you were saying. If she gives unwanted advice, say, "I'll have to try that" or "yes, I have heard of that before"...leave all your comments closed. No open ended things like, "oh, well, what else happened?" or "really? that sounds exciting" b/c then she will want to tell you just HOW exciting it is! :o) Just make sure your comments are ending with a period so that she is mostly unable to continue on. Don't ask for advice and if you are talking to someone else and she interrupts, smile at her, look back at your family member and continue what you were saying. People like that always want the attention, always want to be right, always want to be center stage. Let them stand on that stage alone and eventually they will get the hint and feel the heat that they are all alone with their comments.
I am sure you are jealous too but just be happy that you did find that special someone and that you now have your own little miracle, better late than never...actually, sometimes better late. I married at 31 and had kids at 33 and 35...I am a better wife b/c of it, better mom b/c of it, and we have an awesome relationship and never fight. Sometimes doing things later means you have more experience. Each person has their own life and the way they do it. We are behind everyone else too but in the end, when they are well into their lives, our fun is just begining. :o)
W. M
Your not jealous or crazy. She is being irritating. That could just be her personality, or in her overly-concerned-that-J.-might-not-like-me attempts to make a relationship with you work, she is unwittingly hurting her relationship with you.
Oh, I know all too well it is to have a know-it-all in my life. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do to be rid of her, but you can try to believe in yourself a little more. It's okay that it took you a little longer to figure out what you wanted and it's okay that you're a new mommy.
What's really important is that you remember that every child is different. Every mommy is different, it's what gives us such a wonderful, diverse world. You are, by simple virtue of the fact that you love your child, already a wonderful mommy.
Try to make alone time to spend with your dad and stepmom, so that your baby can be the only baby for a little while. Explain that you're not trying to alienate anyone, but you just want to spend some time with them alone...
If worst comes to worst, you can nicely but firmly tell her that her stories are funny, but you really haven't experienced it. I'm sure you're not at the stage of being able to get too deep, but you need to politely talk to her or redirect her thoughts from baby stories. Maybe ask her to talk about her for a while. Quiz her on silly things like her favorite color.
I'm not any kind of specialist or anything, but these are all things that I've done and they've worked. Good luck and try to enjoy your baby and not get all bogged down with the other stuff.
I agree with most of what everybody said...she is just trying to fit in and is doing it the only way she knows how. I know it is irritating. I know how I would react...just like you, but you do what you know is best for your child. We all know every child is different, none are the same. Mine are total opposites. She may not have used tylenol on her kids when they were teething, but I did....along with teething tablets...and oragel. Just throw out a "Yes, I realize what you are saying, but every child is different." You might save some of your conversations until she is not around. Good luck and congrats on your baby boy! K.
Tell her that yes you know she has been through 3kids to your 1 and has see it all but it would be nice to talk about your child.Yes you understand that she did things her way and her kids turned out fine. Thanks for the advice and ideas but you think you have it under control and will do things your way and what you feel comfortable doing.
Every mother thats been through something thinks they are the only one and knows whats best.Believe me I had to bite my tongue lots when my younger sisters(7,8 &11yrs younger then me) started having children..when mine would have been appr 10yrs old already.I had already been throught the 'up all nite stage','teething','diaper rash','picky eater'..you name it I had done it but wouldnt tell my sisters how to raise their children.I would give them ideas of what to do and if they asked then I would tell them what I did..good luck
S. B
I'm sure your wanting an answer that won't cause tension within your family; that's the hard part. Some moms have the tendency to give advice every time a subject arises, even when they haven't been asked, and I will admit it's hard to resist sometimes. If you sound like you're having trouble with something then she probably just feels compelled to help you. However, that's no excuse for giving constant advice when it isn't requested. Honestly, it sounds like she may be a little jealous. She's not the one with the little baby, so for her to get attention she has to remind everyone that she's done this before and has experience. If I were you, when she starts to talk about what she did, I'd just say something like "Well, we all have different parenting styles" or in the case of teething "Every baby has a different pain tolerance" or "I don't see any need in him hurting when Tylenol (or teething tablets, which are wonderul) won't hurt anything". Just let her know every single time that just because you're a new mom doesn't mean you're incapable of handling or researching these issues on your own.
Good luck!
Your new stepsister may be trying to fit into your family and this could be a very awkward time for her. Does she talk when she is nervous? For some, their children is their life and usually speaking of one's own children is considered an area that is fun and noncontroversial. She may not realize at all that the things she shares with you are not appreciated or well received. She may not be comparing your lives at all, just sharing with you how much she has enjoyed being a mother and possibly hoping that since you are now suddenly related by marriage she may be hoping that the topic of mothering is one you will have in common. Give her a chance. She may be trying hard to be accepted, and she may sense that you are not exactly ready to accept her.
J.,
Things always look perfect from the outside. Sounds like your new step sister is just trying to make you THINK she has it all. Beleive me, the people who brag the loudest are usually the ones that have had and do have the most trouble. Don't beleive for a minute she didn't give her kids anything for teething. I am sure she spent countless nights up with all of her kids when they cut thier first teeth and she probably did give them something. Sound like she may be jealous of you too and she is trying to beat you to the punch so to speak. Take everything she says with a grain of salt. As far as advice on your child, you have a whole network of mothers here on line to help you. I am sure all the mothers will agree, we will help you no matter what.
I can't wait until her kids hit the teen years. Perfection is a sham and beleive me she will learn what it is to be a mother then. Take it from someone who raised 3 step children and I have one of my own who, Thank God, is only 7 so I have a few years to go. If she is over riding you on when you talk about your child, do the same back to her. She will get the message. When she says that she didn't do this or that when her kids were small, find a way to let her know, nicely, that all kids are different and that you are not talking about her kids right now. Keep your cool and let what she says slide off your back. I don't think it is jealousy on your part, but she has put you into a competition that you didn't ask for. You have to put it back on her now. I wish you all the best.
E.
