Dealing with Extended Family - Kyle,TX

You know, this is hard, because Children lay blame on one parent or another... but he is an adult now and he can't come to you for help and then totally disrespect you all.
Parent's are not perfect, but It sounds like ya'll are trying to make up for whatever went wrong.
Having said this, you all should have a frank discussion with the two of them about how it made you feel. And you should tell him that mistakes were made in the past, but he needs to grow up and accept the relationship for what it is.
You need to remind him that he has made mistakes and that no one is perfect and that if he wants to have a good relationship with you all, he should take that big giant CHIP off his shoulder and forgive his father, because marraige takes two and I doubt it was all his father's fault.
It sort of makes me angry for you guys.
But you need to stand up to him before he starts bullying ya'll...
What they did was WRONG!
E.

He'll come around, or he won't. It is actually not your responsibility to fix things and I gaurantee it is not you he wants to hear apologies from. It is your husbands responsiblity to repair things with his own son and make things work for both of you.

The "step" situation can be hard for anyone - even in the best of situations it seems. If It were me, I would tell the adult son and Dad to deal with each other and just leave you out of it! Life is too short to put up with other peoples drama. That son and his wife will make their own decisions regardless of your desire/intent. (remember too, that often the "other parent" AKA bio. mom could be fueling the fire.) You can make changes in your home so that they only have Dads phone number (Cell perhaps?). Then go on - and like the prodigal son when (and if) he is ready (and not just looking for a hand out) then you can cautiously talk. You have your own children to focus on. Let the others fight if they want to - but you can opt out. That is my humble opinion. Best Wishes.

D., I know exactly what you are going through. I had to go through the same but much worse with my husband's grown daughter. I, like you, tried to build a bridge between us all many times. I always reached out and it never seemed to do any good. Now with our situation, things would work out for awhile but then go haywire at no fault of ours. My husband and the rest of the family got tired of the rollercoaster ride so we just simply got off of it. Meaning, we have had to cut her out completely. I know that may seem extreme but if you knew the whole story, you would totally understand. I've been married for 7 years now and the first 6 years were hectic because of her. Let's put it this way, during those 6 years, we did not have 3 months straight of peace. It was drama all the time. If I wanted drama, I'd watch a soap opera. To make a long story short, we had to make a decision. Either to go on like we were and continue to subject everyone (including our 16 and 4 yr old dtrs) to this nonsense or to put a stop to it completely. We have stopped trying with her and stopped responding to her antics because that's exactly what she wanted. She thrives on drama. I have told her, like I told everyone else, I am not going to waste our time on those who do not want to be a part of this family. If you don't do your part, we are done with this one way street. We had to do this for our peace of mind and to relieve a lot of the stress. Like I said, I know this seems extreme but if you only knew all. Your stepson is an adult and it is time for him to stop living in the past. He will not get anywhere by doing that. He needs to let it go and if he can't, I wouldn't waste any more time. I know it's sad. We all want this perfect little family where everyone gets along the majority of the time, but if you don't have willing players on all sides, it won't work. Now let me state this, my husband was the one who decided to cut his daughter out. There is a long history between them and he got tired of the pain she was putting us all through. Enough was enough. I don't know if I helped or not but I hope so. You are not alone in this at all! If you ever need to talk to someone who has been through what you are going through, please don't hesitate to contact me. It is not your fault, you have done all that you can do. Do not question yourself. It took me a long time to realize that. Unfortunately, no matter how much we try we can not change them nor the situation. All we can do is concentrate on those who are truly being a part of the family. Good Luck and hang in there!

Hi D.,

All I can tell you from my experience as the child is just be patient. Sometimes it takes years, all I can do is encourage you to be kind and sincere. He my not want to involve you in his life, but remain available if he does. For me my magic age was 25. For some reason my relationship with my dad changed at 25. I realized that I didn't know everything and that my parents were doing the best they could. If that doesn't happen at least you know you and your husband did all you could.

I have had a similar situation with my brother and sister n law. She hates me simply because I had a girl and she didn't. Plus I had the nerve to ask them for a quilt that was made for me when I was born that my grandmother had made. It is pink with bunnies on it but I was told absolutely no. So, for the past 8 years I have been shunned. They won't come to any parties for the family if my family is there. I never did anything that they would hold such a grudge but thats ok. A couple of years ago I spoke with my brother but didn't get anywhere with him. At that point, I said enough. I'm not going to try any more. Sometimes its just best to back off and hope they will come to you some day and if they don't, it's their lose. It took me many years to figure that out. Good luck to you!

Since you have been married to this wonderful man for 10 long years, I would suggest that you STOP trying to fix things. If the son has not come around by now, he is not and he has made that painfully clear as your husband had to disconnect the phone several times because of his behavior. Use your energy to enjoy the rest of the family. Don't worry about him; he is not your problem. I know that sounds harsh but we are responsible for ourselves only as they say you can lead a horse to water but that doesn't make him drink. You will have less stress in your life. Concentrate on the enjoyment of your own children. Maybe one day he will see the errors of his ways.

Hi D.,

My advice would be never change or give up being the person you are for anybody. Take it from experience you don't want to be the go between dad and son its between them. As you said you have children of your own it wouldn't be fair to change who you are over one person, be gracious to the step son out of respect for your husband but I wouldn't waste energy on trying to make peace with everyone because in the end it all works out hang in there and never give up.

You have married the entire family. You don't just have dad, you have the children also. Do you want to give dad back? No, I don't think so, then just pray and ask the Lord to fight this battle for you and ask if there is anything that you can change about you. We tend to see one side and one side only and there comes a time when we have to sit back and re-evaluate. Love him as if he were your own child. You love them no matter what and that's what you need to do with your step son. Treat him as if he is your son. LOve him to death!