Recently we became aware that one of my daughter's closest friends (age 12) steals and shoplifts (a lot). My daughter goes to the neighborhood store with her sometimes. My daughter says she is unaware in the moment when the friend takes things, but then she produces them afterwards, and brags about it. Several other times she has noticed the friend has tried to shoplift and only stops when she realizes she is likely to get caught. Daughter is the type that doesn't want to make her friend mad by speaking out against her. The friend rarely has any money. My daughter often has some allowance money, or small amount of money she has earned. My daughter buys a lot for the friend. She admitted she often buys the friend little things because she doesn't want her to steal the things when they go to the store together because she is so worried about being around her shoplifting. We called the girl's parents to let them know what we had learned. Would you ever allow your daughter out with this friend again or bring this friend out with you? Personally I would not, but DH thinks she should have a chance to redeem herself and daughter should make own choices. By the way we have lectured our daughter thoroughly on the dangers of shoplifting and associating with them.
Thanks for all your responses. Without solid proof, I have good reason to believe this girl has already stolen from our home. Birthday cash and gift card are missing from my younger daughter's room. Can't find younger daughter's Nintendo DS either. DD has seen earrings and other things at her house she suspected belonged to her sister. Friend claimed they were hers. Friend brags to DD about stealing from stores, street fairs, and money from her own family. I'm done. She is not welcome in my home. I don't trust her. Her parents are nice, but clueless. And she has little to no supervision at home. We have taken her places and treated her to a million things, especially last summer, but no more.
I would not allow my daughter to go shopping with this friend for quite awhile. Tell her it is for her own protection. I wouldn't stop them from being friends, but I would encourage she come to my house so that they can be together... and I wouldn't leave out my purse and I would hide my jewelry.
Time will tell, and your daughter will have to learn from experience whether she wants to continue this friendship.
AT this age, I would not allow it and explain why. Even though your daughter is not shoplifting, if the friend is caught doing so, your daughter could be seen as helping her and be in some trouble too. I wouldn't say she can't associate with her at all but definately they should not be in stores together.
I think it's good that you made the parents aware of her behavior. Weren't they curious where the "stuff" was coming from? Clueless.
While I agree that maybe your daughter should not be allowed in "shopping situations" with this other girl, I don't think it's a definite "character flaw" at age 12, so I agree with your husband. Kids are going to be around and exposed to a wide range of individuals with a wide range of morals and values. What's important is that your daughter knows it's wrong to shoplift and has the esteem to stand up to any peer pressure to join in questionable activities and behaviors. This is only the beginning.......and you won't be able to limit her friends forever.
If your daughter is with this friend while she shoplifts and gets caught, even your daughter could be in serious serious trouble. What happens if this friend blames your daughter and hides all the stolen goods in her bag? Your daughter will have that on her record and possibly go to a juvenile detention center.
I would not risk a "pre-teen" friendship with someone that could ruin the rest of my childs life.
My concern would flow over into allowing her into your home. If she does that, she may also feel comfortable taking a think or two of hers or yours. Perhaps you can talk with your daughters friend and see what she has to say for herself. If she does shoplift though she may be able to manipulate you into feeling badly for her. Just keep an eye out and make your daughter aware.
At 12 you have a lot more control over where your daughter goes. I would not want her to be shopping with her. The "friend" could slip her stolen item into your daughters purse or something similar. I tell my teenagers to always keep their receipts on them until they get home. Teenagers are watched more closely and accused falsely more often. My daughters friend was pulled in by a store for questioning because they thought a green shirt was missing. They thought it was her because she had been in the fitting room and there was an empty hanger. They called her parents. Finally they pulled the security tape. It was the person who used the fitting room before her. The empty hanger was already in there when she got in there. Lesson learned, never go in a fitting room that has empty hangers. Likely this won't be the last time she has to deal with a friend stealing.
All my friends stole stuff growing up, and I never did. But, like most teens (preteens) I never said anything. However, let your daughter know that if the friend gets caught and they are together, that your daughter can be in just as much trouble. I knew this and self-regulated when I went out with my friends so that I wouldn't be in that position. I think now is a great time to give your daughter the opportunity to make the right decision and not go out with the friend. You can make it easier by inviting the friend to sleepovers and other in house events or other out of house events that don't give her the opportunity to steal. If you see that your daughter wants to continue to go to malls and such with this friend, then you do need to regulate and not let her go, but like I said this could be an opportunity to teach your daughter good decision making.
If the parents won't do anything talk to the school counselor, maybe the counselor can talk to her. I don't know if I would be comfortable doing this with someone's else's child but if this were my child I would make her take it back to the store and hand it to a manager and apologize. Call the store manager first and explain the situatution, ask that they do not contact the police but give the girl a strong talking to. If the girls gets caught and you can intervene, talk to the officer and have him(her) scare the living daylights out of her. Toss her in cell and slam the door and walk away for 15-30 minutes, take her to an interragation room and yell at her, hit the table with their fist or nightstick etc. I did this when my son was 10 and got caught stealing. He came home, his eyes the size of saucers, never said a word and never stole again. You may not be able to do any of this because you are not the parents. Can you talk to the parents or are they just unavailable to their daughter and to you.
Another thing you might do is talk to neighbors and see if all of you can come up with odd jobs she can do and earn a little bit of money. It sounds like money is the real issue here and this girl is just trying to fit in and have the same stuff her friends have.
But she needs to understand that your daughter can not go shopping with her again if she is going to steal and she can not bring stolen merchandise into your home. Accepting her into your home and being like a Mom to her may be the thing that saves this girl. You can teach her and talk to her the same as you do your own daughter, you may be her angel in disguise.
At 12 you can limit the time your daughter has with this friend but you can also teach her what a friend is. A friend isn't someone who will put you in danger by stealing while with you and knowing that if caught, you both could be charged. A friend isn't someone who steals anyway. You can give your daughter "outs" to keep her from going into the stores with this friend. You can have your daughter give you a certain sign that shows she stole from a store and you can take both girls back to the store and insist that the one admits to stealing and return the items or pay for them. Mostly you need to let your daughter know that associating with someone who does this means that she, herself will be cast in the same light and how wrong it is and she should tell her friend to stop.
Hello A.! Well, your daughter's friend will most likely get caught shoplifting and if your daughter's in tow, she may be found guilty by association. I think you should be talking to your daughter about the money she's spending on her little broke friend. Your dear daughter's enabling her friend by spending what money she's earning to keep thieving friend out of trouble. I think the friend needs to get caught to learn a lesson; she probably won't quit by herself. This problem could get out of hand real quick! I think an intervention is imminent. Good luck with everything.
I think if they are allowed to hang out with each other they should do it under your supervision.She could be invited for dinner or a movie night, etc. Your daughter has to realize that being with her friend who is stealing makes her guilty by association. If her friend gets cought stealing and your daughter is with her, she will also be guilty of it.
She should not be allowed to go to any store with this girl. The girl is going to get caught, and your daughter could get in trouble along with her, which would be a scary, traumatic experience.
I wouldn't let her go to stores with her just because if the friend gets caught your daughter most likely will get in trouble too! When i was in high school a girl i was with switched a sale tag on a tank top and I got in trouble too because I was with her. It was a very scary experience at the time!! I wouldn't want my 12 year old go thru that! I also agree with the post about not wanting her in my home because where does her stealing stop?
Limit the time with the friend. You cannot follow her around at school to make sure they arent talking. Soon this "friend" will be stealing from your daughter. Her allowance, clothing, or anything else that she feels she is entiiled to. If she is with this friend while she shoplifts and gets caught, your child WILL BE CHARGED! No ifs ands or buts! She is twelve, you are the Mom and what you say goes.
I would lecture the girl, let her know that you don't approve of her shoplifting and that she better not involved your daughter in it. Let her know point blank this is a warning. I would tell this little girl too, that you are going to give her picture to every store around there and let them know she shoplifts and be careful if she walks into their store. I guarantee she'll change her behavior. If she doesn't then she will not hang out with your daughter.
I found out that my daughter was buying things for some of her friends, taking them places (having us take them places) then I had a long talk with her. Do you want to be used or be someone's doormat? I told her how valuable she is that she needs to see her own self worth. Of course she didn't want to be left out, but she finally saw how she was being used. I told her I would not be used by her friends and neither should she. They were not real friends. If you have to buy friendship, find a real friend...
Tell your daughter how important it is to be a good friend. Remind her friendship isn't based off of how much you can buy someone else. Remind her of her self worth, and don't let anyone make her out to be something less.
At 12 you still have control over her. I would limit the time she spends with this girl until the girl can restore some trust in you.
