Daughter and Best Friend So Competitive and Jealous

Updated on March 06, 2012
F.T. asks from Dallas, TX
7 answers

My daughter and her best friend spend a lot of time together. They tend to get jealous of each other if they hang out with other friends. Also, they're competitive about what they wear and especially my daughter's friend throws a fit if my daughter buys an article of clothing or shoes like hers. The other mom seems to feed into it at times. . .she told me that the friend that my daughter had home the other day said something mean to her daughter. . . it's so much drama! My daughter is 12.

I want to encourage her to have more than one friend; I also want her to dress how she wants to dress. How do I lower the drama here? It actually stresses me out when they're fighting because my daughter gets so upset. :(

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answers from Kansas City on

I am sorry this is happening to you, I too have had problems with my 11 year old and girls... I started putting limits on how long the girls can stay together, I would say yes she can come over, for 2 hours and I know it's hard when they get along so good and my DD doesn't want to be awake and not with a friend. But, I have found that limiting the time helps and sometimes the number of days that they can play. Also, let's not say oh Jenny was over at my house yesterday and we did this, I monitor my daughters conversations and make sure they are not on the phone or talking bad about someone else. Girls are girls and this too shall pass... I promise it will get better, recently we have started having girls over in groups and I was shocked they all got along with each other but they had a great time.
Good Luck!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Killeen on

My daughter has a friend who does the same thing. She makes her feel guilty about hanging out with anybody else especially if she is not friends with the other people. She even resorts to being mean and rude to the other girls my daughter does want to be friends with. She also makes snarky comments if my daughter gets to do something she doesnt like when my daughter made cheer and she didnt. We have been dealing with this for two years and finally we just told her to ignore it. She should hang out with who she wants,wear what she wants,and do the things she is interested in. I encouraged her to do whats right and say something when this girl says rude things to or about her other friends but also to be sure to avoid saying mean things about that friend either. Basically just do want is right for her but be nice about it. Oh the joys of middle school drama :).

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

Find a church friend who has a daughter that same age and kinda sorta push the other girl out of your daughter's plans and life...

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Clothes: encourage your daughter to slightly adjust her clothing options. If the friend buys a top in blue, and daughter doesn't just have to have blue, buy a different color. Same with shoes.

Friends: the friend feels like something exciting might happen when she isn't around. Daughter and the other friend might share some tidbit or funny moment that she'll be left out of. So she gets mad. It is good to encourage your daughter to have multiple friends. It might help to invite the best friend over so that she feels included, but stagger the invite times so that they are not always there for the whole time at the same time. does that make sense?

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

First of all you can't control the other girl especially if her mom is feeding into the drama. All you can do is influence your daughter to make good choices and treat others how she'd like to be treated. Your daughter has a right to wear whatever she wants. Now if she's intentionally competing with her friend that needs to be addressed. As a Mom limit how much time they spend together. if they are attached at the hip then they are bound to get on eachother's nerves and have these drama sessions. Also, make sure your daughter has other activities too to keep her busy. Homework and maybe one or two extra curricular activities. If they are busy they don't have time to get into trouble :)

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Middle school seems to be so difficult! I think I'd talk to her about being a good friend, you can't control how the other child acts, but you can remind/teach your own daughter. I'd also get her involved in activities outside of school, so that she can have other friends who don't even necessarily attend same school.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Definitely have your daughter in extracurricular activities that do not involve her friend. Is your girl in anything outside school, such as Girl Scouts, sports, dance, art classes, book club at the library --anything? If she is, but the other girl and she are always doing these things together, it's time to let your daughter find an activity that interests HER (not based on what her friend's interests are!) and get her into it, preferably more than once a week if her school schedule allows.

And if the girls are in lots of classes together at school -- you can't do much about that for this school year, but around here, principals do try to honor it if a parent requests in writing that their child not be in a class with another child the next year. Usually you do not need to give a reason. Find out the policy in your school district. Schools are not required to honor such requests but often will. Your daughter does not need to know anything about it.

I'm not saying cut them off cold turkey; that would make the friend "forbidden fruit" and therefore even more interesting to your daughter. But nudge your child toward constructive activities that do not involve this girl. Make sure your daughter has the most input and final say on the activities chosen, so it's really something that interests her. Meanwhile, ignore the mom and maybe even cool your own contact with her, confining it to planning the (decreasing) get-togethers. And as someone else said, limit the time frame the girls are together. I would add: Be sure they are doing a specific activity when together -- watching a movie, doing a craft they both like, going to the library together (not the mall with all those clothes!) etc. -- rather than sitting around comparing clothes and talking.

1 mom found this helpful

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