Christmas Stress Every Year

J.,
Are you my sister-in-law? Just kidding. Actually I am the same way, I want to have a plan. My husband on the other hand is well what ever, when we get there we get there. Twenty years this has been going on. About 3 years ago MY father put it this way, Friends make plans, families just flow. This doesn't help I know but try to relax and just flow with it. Back to what really turned me around, three Christmas' ago my father was sick with heart troubles, two Christmas' ago my mother had a problem with digesting food and lost 30lbs in the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas and one sister-in-law was battling Breast Cancer, last Christmas my sister was in the hospital from Oct-Jan with heart failure.
As of today we have to go to my parent's my brothers and the in-laws (three hours away) tomarrow. Parents are at 11 everything else is when ever we get there. I am stressed to the max, my head is throbbing, and I am so grateful to "have" to go to all of these places.

J., friend -- You should have NO EXPECTATIONS! Then you can't be disappointed! Failing that (and I'm serious -- really try to have no expectations), expect that you won't know what's going to happen til the last minute and that that's okay.

You've seen that planning doesn't work, so why not just say, "When you know for sure when you want us let us know, and if we can make it we will." That isn't making your husband's family second class -- it's making your own family (you, husband, your kids) first class. If you can't make it once or twice it may even inspire sister to make a commitment in advance and stick to it.

But all that is how to manipulate your family members, and that isn't really the point. The point is that Christmas comes whether we're prepared for it or not and we can depend on that. And we all love each other in our own dysfunctional ways and we can depend on that. And it has always worked out somehow and it always will. So please enjoy THIS MINUTE and then the next minute and then the next and let the expectations go. You can do it!

In the end, what matters is love. Happy holidays! L.

You know but with what you just said I, if I was in his shoes, I would feel as if my family is second fiddle as well. I'd feel that you could care less if I saw my side of the family and that yours is far more important than seeing my sister She just interferes with your plans.

With that being said.. I'd try and keep that in the back of my head. You are making him feel unimportant and it really hurts to feel that way.

I understand that the last minute plans annoy you but it sounds like beings she has a job that calls for that you are just going to have to accept that. You should tell your husband that it upsets you that you don't know till the last minute and even though their fly by the seat of their pants ways works for their family it's h*** o* you. Maybe ask him to not tell you when until it is set in stone. AND if after he tells you it's set in stone if she has to cancel due to work realize that she HAS to do that! Just try and work with him. He spends the entire holidays pretty much doing what you want to do. All he's asking for is a few hours and a little flexibility. You really should give it to him!

This may sound harsh but it seems to me that spending time together at the holidays is more important to you and your hubby than it is for his sister and family. It sound to me like they just don't care.
Since it is so difficult to get to their home for the holidays invite them to your home. Call his sister and say that you want to invite them to your house for a gift exchange and a meal. What day do you have off? Be open to having them there anytime between Dec. 15 and New Years. If they can't make it it's not that important to them.

Hi, I know this is old news and Christmas is over...I am working a night shift tonight and read your post for the first time and I can TOTALLY relate to what you are talking about so I feel inclined to comment.
So, we live by my hubby's family so my family is not the issue. The issue is my husband and his brother not being able to make any kind of plans until last minute and they may or may not actually show up. Here is what I did this year...totally let it go and left it up to them to figure out. My husband invited his brother and family over for brunch on Christmas.I didn't know if they were planning on showing up or not and my husband, for what ever reason, didn't want to confirm with them.."if they show up they show up" he said.So I did my very best to let it go and cook christmas bread and let my musband cook the rest. They never showed BTW(rude) oh well. I didn't let it ruin my day. Next: gifts. I let my husband be respnsible for their family. He still hasn't done it(crazy) and we are meeting with them tomorrow (Who knows if that will happen) but I am over trying to figure it out and I don't really care because I am not in charge of anything that will affect my peace of mind. I just said to my husband, "Tell me where I need to be and I will be there". This year was the first year I stayed completely out of it and so far so good. May be if you find a way to leave it up to your husband he will see you are not the one being difficult. Hope you can find a way to not let this whole thing get you down on Christmas. Cheers. Hope you had a good Holiday.

I used to work as an RN, so know how awful those schedules can be. If she is on-call, or works every-other-holiday but is counting on low census so she can have the day off, well, it would explain the last-minute nature of things. My BIL is a policeman, and his wife is a manager of Macy's, and both of them have schedules from hell as well.

I would suggest starting a new tradition. Get together for the big hoopla the first week of December... or the second week of January... or on Thanksgiving... you get the idea.

I feel bad for your hubby. I'm an only child and not close to extended family, so I can perhaps relate to wanting to cling to whatever family/tradition he can. Have you explained to him your stress and asked for alternate ideas on how to work around this?

Good luck, and Merry Christmas!

It's sounds like the best you can do for this year is smile and count to 10!

For next year, I would not try to visit both families on the same day, even if it means extra driving for you. You can "sugarcoat" it by telling your SIL (maybe even your husband!) that you feel like things get crammed into one day, and you really want to give lots of time to both of your families.

Then, your SIL should pick a day that she knows for a fact she is NOT on-call. (I don't know how nursing schedules work, so this could be easier said then done.) Plan to visit her like in the late morning or early afternoon, so you don't have to deal with driving at night.

OR, invite BOTH your families to your house for Christmas! Whoever shows up, shows up, and you don't have to drive anywhere.

I swear I must be related to your family! For the past eight years I was the one who hosted and never knew what my brothers clan would do until they did or didn't show up 20 minutes before I was finished with dinner. I was constantly frustrated and if I tried to alter the plans he would complain (to other family members, of course, not to me) that his step daughters and array of boyfriends and children weren't included.

So, last year my other brother got married in FL and we went! Left everyone to fend for themselves, had a great time. Now this year, I thought about it and didn't volunteer for anything and no one stepped forward to host anything! I am at home with our kids and will have my widowed mom over and that is it!

My point is, do what you need to make it good for your family and not stress out. Everyone will adjust and learn that you are serious about your plans. You can leave or stay or just show up. Be certain that your hubby is on the same page.

Families can make you crazy, so take a breath and be prepared for anyone to do anything! Try to enjoy and set some boundaries. It isn't easy and takes a few seasons to accomplish this.

Hope this helps, I know it is difficult and it took a long time for all of us to get things a new way. Change is hard and commitment is sometimes even harder.

Regardless, have a very Merry Christmas and focus on what is important in this holiday.

Best wishes,
J.

I second starting a new "Christmas" tradition.

My dad is a pastor so he has ALWAYS worked on holidays so my family always gets together the weekend before or after Christmas (whatever is better for my dad). We do the whole gift exchange and opening even if it is a week or more before Christmas.

It is not about that specific day it is about family getting together so maybe try find out your sister-in-law's days that she is not working or on call and try to work it out with your family her to make the trip all in a week or so.

Best of luck, take a relaxing bath or have your hubby give you back rub.

I would just like to suggest that maybe every Christmas Eve with your family isn't fair (not a popular opinion, I know). I realize that his side doesn't/can't plan in advance, but many families choose to rotate holidays to keep things "fair".

Maybe what his sister means by ""thinking" that maybe we'd go there on Christmas day" is really asking for Christmas with his side this year.

This is just my humble opinion, I don't really know your circumstances.

J.,
Yes - relax! If it happens that you all meet then that will be nice - but if she flakes out like most years, drive by and leave the gifts on the front door step with a note saying "sorry we missed you and Merry Christmas" ... there is no reason why this should happen every year and why you let her unpredictable ways disturb a blessed time of the year. You, your husband and children will be much happier if you try not to fret over this year after year. It will surely be their loss if you all don't get together - you tried and that's all you can do.

Merry Christmas!
D.

Why is your husband mad at you if it is his sister who is cancelling each time you set up a time? Anyway, it is frustrating to deal with all the family stuff if it isn't set up from the beginning. My husband and I have always spent Christmas eve with his family and Christmas day with my family. It has worked out very well for us. My son and his wife are on the move more. They go to Christmas eve at my husbands parents then go on to my daughter in laws grandmothers house which is about a hour and half away from my inlaws. Then they spend Christmas eve night here at my house even though we live in the same town, so we will be able to watch our little granddaughter surprise with Santa (which I buy the majority of to help them out) and then they go to my parents to open presents and visit a little then head over to her mother's for Christmas dinner.

One thing I would want to mention is that it isn't worth arguing over. Your husbands sister is sounding a bit flighty and you can't always plan ahead with her, but maybe you could talk with your parents and maybe she and her husband and kids can come to your parents for Christmas dinner, leaving them to do the traveling. Or set up a time for each year and if the plans get cancelled, say sorry but don't worry about it, the road goes both ways and they can come see you just as easy.

My daughter in laws step father had passed away this August so this is a hard Christmas as it is for her mother and of course for her also since he was more of a father then her own. Her mother went all out for Christmas this year trying to make up for missing their husband/father/grandfather. Then Friday, the 19th, her mother's home burned down to the ground while she was gone. They lost everything, the house that my daughter in law grew up in that her step father built with his own hands, all his pictures, all the baby pictures, everything including all the presents that were bought. As sad as it is and as hard as it is, we all know had she been home she would have ran back in to get things of her late husbands or the presents and we could have lost her also. My son, daughter in law and granddaughter was suppose to be there Saturday night for a birthday party (yes, the house burned down the day before her mother's 50th birthday) and they would have been sleeping in front of the fireplace which was the cause of the fire.

So my advice here is simple, don't argue over things that you cannot control, instead appriciate that you have family close enough by to enjoy the holidays with. It doesn't matter if you spend 1 and half days with your parents and 1 and half days with his sister or all 3 with your family, seeing his sister when you can, at least you are all together, you, your husband and your children. Be blessed with that.

I agree with the other two suggestions, but wanted to add my 2 cents. I would also suggest that you and your SIL make the arrangements and not leave it up to your husband. My FIL and husband are amazing men and husbands, but they can't make many arrangements and really stink at the details. I've learned that if I want to have some idea of what is happening and when, I bypass the men and talk to the women. It might open up some better communications with your SIL and she may start to see your side of the coin, too. You may start the conversation with, "So we don't have any stress or hurt feelings about this next year, can we come up with a better plan?" It might be a conversation where all of you sit down and talk about it (on a regular visit...not a holiday unless it feels right) and get everyone's ideas and suggestions.

Good luck and Merry Christmas!

You've gotten some great advice already, but here's my 2 cents. As a mom with kids, you not only have to manage your own expectations and plans for the holidays, but those of your kids too. I think that it's fair that you let your husband know that last-minute changes and lack of planning are the problem. It may be late for this year, but maybe going forward you can ask that he confirm a date w/ his sis first. He might need to have a conversation with her to explain that it doesn't matter to you when you celebrate, as long as you can plan accordingly - last minute changes will not be ok. Doing this for one year may start some new traditions for you and could probably help what sounds like a little bit of a power struggle for your hubby. Good luck and Merry Christmas!

I think a lot of people can relate to this! Your husband's sister absolutely needs to set a date or forget it. Tell everyone (and make it very clear) to your husband that if you do not have set plans ahead of time that you will not be going. They don't understand the stress we are under because they do little of the planning, shopping, running, etc. If that doesn't work, you may want to think about doing every other year to one or the other and concentrate on starting your own traditions in your home and having others work around your convenience every other year. I could go on and on about this topic from my husband's dad's smelly and smoky house to his non-commital mom who expects everyone to jump to her convenience. I have a 2 year old and 13 year old so all of this nonsense makes me crazy.