Child Endangerment?

Read about the twins who drowned in San Jose while their mother napped. Have him read it. It makes me think twice about even relaxing in the other room, let alone sleeping.

No advice to offer here, but I do agree with you. 4 years old is too young to be unsupervised. He needs to get up and be present and available for her.

Is he a very heavy sleeper? If he doesn't sleep super heavy, and he leaves the door open to hear sounds (ie: a cry or a thud) then it should be ok.
Some kids are super active and will literally hang from the chandeliers if you leave them alone for a few minutes (a friend's kid tried it!)but if this is a mellow little girl, and a noise can wake Daddy, then don't worry.
A compromise cold be for him to sleep out on the couch near her, or bring her into the bed with him.

My husband was always more lax about child safety than I was, so I understand your position. We had lots of arguments about things like, say, whether or not an 8 year-old could walk the streets by himself (a 7 year-old was just murdered walking alone briefly). I won out because it was better safe than sorry, and I just wasn't going to have my 8 year old wandering around.

HOWEVER, my experience was that at 4 years old they are old enough to be up while their parents are still sleeping. 4 years old was the blissful age where you finally didn't have to get up when the kids got up on the weekends. They would just go and watch tv until we got up.

You know the phrase "pick your battles?" You may have many more arguments with your husband over the years over child-rearing issues, so I would let him win on this one, since at 4 your child should be safe, unless you know her to be the kind of child who will get into trouble when she isn't supervised.

And since your husband gets more sleep than you, hopefully he will be more help in the evenings...

p.s. By the way, I just read your previous request, and I think you might be a little overprotective. And I say this as a mom who can tend to be overprotective on some issues. You know how your daughter clings to you and your husband feels bad, etc? It's time to back off a little, or this type of thing could be REALLY bad for your marriage. I've done some damage in my marriage by being too controlling about how my husband related to the kids, and after 20 years of this stuff I now know that it's not only OK, it's actually healthy for kids to observe parents who do things differently from each other.

There are sooooo many variables to consider. Is your child mellow or mischievous? Is your bedroom right there for him to hear them or is perhaps upstairs? Are there things around the house that are dangerous to a child left unsupervised? I just keep going back to Mike Tyson's little four year old girl that strangled herself on their treadmill while the mother wasn't sleeping just in the other room. Sometimes when my 2 year old wakes up too early I put her in the highchair with her coloring stuff and/or snacks and doze on the couch. Point is I'm right there and she is secured in her chair so she can't get into stuff while I catch a few more zzzzz's. Good luck.

If the child is in bed asleep and your husband will wake up if the child wakes up, it is no different than you sleeping at night. If the child is up and playing unsupervised, then it would be endangerment.

If the former is the case, ie. the child is asleep, then you might want to examine whether you are perhaps a bit jealous of the fact that your husband can sleep in. Just a thought:)

S.

Dear Krysia,
Let me just say something here. First of all, child endangerment is an extremely harsh term to use unless you are willing to have your husband prosecuted for it. Do you really believe that she is criminally endangered or are you upset that you get up earlier and he finds time to get in a rest after you leave? I've been a single mom my son's entire life and there were many times I needed to rest. I made sure the doors were all locked and he new he could either be in my room or in his. I never went to sleep to the extent that I couldn't hear if he was in the bathroom or running water or anything, but just resting my bones sometimes was a necessity. And if I was sick, both of my children, 10 years apart, instinctively stayed right by me.
When I was little, I was 7 when my sister was 4. Daddy left early for work and mom was always up for breakfast and getting us off to school. But on the weekends, we were allowed to get up and bring our pillows out to watch TV. We could get cereal or fruit and juice. We were only allowed to have those in the kitchen so sometimes we just stayed quiet until mom and dad got up and we'd all have family breakfast.

My ex husband tried to get me in trouble for child endangerment. My son told him that I let him walk home from school sometimes. That's all it took. He went so far as to say that he had parents calling him and reporting me because my son was running out into the street and had almost been hit by a car numerous times.
To make a long story short, there were no parents making those claims because it never happened and what he failed to think about was that either myself or the other moms were following the kids home in our cars each day to make sure none of that ever happened. I had proof I wasn't endangering my son. Dad doesn't even live in our town and he ended up looking like a crack pot.
All for me letting my son have some independence.
Under supervision.
Sometimes laying down with one eye open gives you a chance to see if your kid will just stay in one place, try to leave the house, try to turn the oven on, whatever. Sneaky, I know, but that can also be a way of teaching your kids healthy perameters. "Just because I'm laying down, doesn't mean I don't know what you're doing."
Put your little one in bed with your husband for some quiet cuddle time and then let him dress her and feed her and get her ready for school after you've left.
It sounds like about 1/2 an hour that he's resting. Maybe they can talk about what they have going for that day or what they want for breakfast and that can be their time.
I don't think it's wrong for children to know what they can and can't do if mommy and daddy are sick or resting.
I don't think it's endangerment.
That's just my opinion.

I think it depends on your child and what they are capable of doing....there was a time when my children woke up before I did and played and then woke me up...I think this is really a gray area here....though, I think as mothers....if we do sleep when kids are awake....we don't fully sleep...it's kind of in between.....

My brother did sleep while his youngest who was 4 at the time was awake...though it was a half and half sleep and also since he has Lupus, his kids knew it was also hard for thier Dad to get out of bed...and they were the ones always checking on him...

Maybe have the 4 year old go to bed with dad and sleep in...and then Dad will have to get up a little earlier to get himself and the 4 year old ready.

Like I said...really gray area here....I think it depends on hubby, child and your house....as well as mothers's views...some, like you can be on one side of the pendulum...where someone needs to be there in attendance..and nothing is wrong with that....to those who need thier child to experience some independence...the other side of the pendulum....etc....Gray area and you and hubby need to come to a common ground.

I'm wondering if you could let your 4 YO sleep-in and not bother getting her up - let your husband taken care of her. That would require him to get going earlier and perhaps she wouldn't be awake while he sleeps. Put him to work:) Michele

A 4 year old should never be left alone, and a sleeping parent does not count as supervision. Your husband could only, if he wakes in time, assist in the case of an emergency. However, a parent’s job is to be there to PREVENT emergencies. Your husband NEEDS to be awake; he's not doing his part. And so yes, it is considered, not only by you but I'm sure by child protection authorities, child endangerment.

I am sorry for your situation. I hope you will be able to impress your point to your husband and he changes his behavior.

Best of luck,
D.

I agree with you, a 4 yr old should never be left unattended. it looks like you cannot trust your husband on this issue, Can you take your son to daycare earlier? You can drop him off on the way to work, even if he is at daycare at 7:00 at least someone is watching him.

Good luck
J.

I cannot tell you how often my toddler wakes up and I am simply beat. I drag myself out of bed despite my tired body and I tend to him. I tell myself to get to bed earlier that night so I don't feel so pooped in the morning when my "spawn clock" goes off! Personally, if I went back to sleep I would feel lazy and irresponsible. That "what if" would be nagging me. Our children are our responsibility and we do not have the luxury when they are so young to be sleeping while we should be on watch....just my two cents. Best of luck to you!

Hi Krysia,
I'm not an expert, just a Mother of 3 grown children. And I must agree with you, a child at the age of 4 should not be left alone or unattended.
Your husband is lazy. He should put your child first. That's part of being a parent.

I hope all works out well.

This is particularly interesting to me too as I have a similar situation during the day with my 2 1/2 yr old. I personally do not believe it is child endangerment with your 4 yr old if he/she is watching a show or kept in a localized area while your husband naps so long as your husband is a light sleeper. If your child has the full run of the house, then the issue arises as to whether you have locks and have child proofed your home for items that are dangerous.
How many hours after you leave is this? If it is 1/2 hr or less than 2, maybe this is ok but you might want to talk to your husband to see why he has to sleep so much more.
I know for me, my baby's father is stay at home and there are times I come home at lunch and he is asleep and I go nuts because my baby is not in a localized area and all he says is "I'm watching him". Right - through closed eyes?! I will be happy to see what your responses are here.
I think if this is bothering you, it must be addressed before something does happen. Good luck and I hope things get easier.
T.

My husband use to do this with our kids at that age but he would bring our daughter into the room with him so that he could here if she got into anything but usually she would just layin bed with him and watch TV. if you really don't like him sleeping while she is home maybe you could consider waking him up earlier that way you know he is up and wide awake before you leave the house. good luck. maybe you could have him read all your responses for all the what if's might change his mind or at least let him consider going into your childs room to catch a few more zzz before getting up.

I think it's okay as long as all doors are open. he is probably just resting a little before having to get up. I'm sure she is fine! I don't think I'd be too upset about it, just a little jealous...

Hi Krysia I just wanted to suggest that perhaps you would feel more secure if you had a dead bolt up at the top of the front door (or any door that leads outside) that your husband could lock after you leave so on the off chance that your daughter tried to escape or a weirdsmobile came to the door and she answered it she wouldnt be able to open the door. in this day and age you cant be to careful!

Hi Krysia,
I think that you work very hard to get yourself up early and ready so that you have sufficient time to do everything you can for your daughters before you have to leave. And your post feels like you expect your husband to have the same level of care and concern as you do for your daughters and to get up and be accountable to his role as sole care provider at that time. Unfortunately, men and women do not look at things the same way. Similarly, my husband watches my little one while I work and then I watch her when he works. And he sometimes parents in ways that absolutely infuriate me. But, I know my daughter is safe and that her Daddy loves her more than anything in the world and he just parents differently. I would drive myself crazy if I expected him to follow all of my expectations - plus, I find when I just "lead by example" he often comes around on his own. Would your husband be able to hear your daughter if she fell and started crying or if she was digging through items in the kitchen that she shouldn't be? Those are the types of questions to answer. If your husband can hear her and attend to her quickly if emergency strikes, even though we expect a different type of paretning and give it ourselves, your daughter is most likely safe for the half an hour to hour that she is without direct supervision. It is a tough call. I would suggest you decide whether or not your daughter is safe if emergency strikes, as I state above. If she is, then you have to decide whether this battle is worth fighting. If she is not, then you must make it clear to your husband that he has got to get up and at least park himself on the couch where he can see her and still work to slowly wake up. Good luck.

Do you know what your younger daughter is doing during that time? Is she playing quietly in her room? Or wandering about the house?

If she needs supervision, how about a compromise of him snoozing on the couch after you leave for work? I remember during my second pregnancy my son was 3-3.5 and I was simply exhausted after work every day and *needed* a nap desperately. I would turn on the TV and lay down on the couch for a nap. I was there for him and would wake up if there was an emergency, but I got the 40 winks of much needed rest. Or if you have a TV in the bedroom, have your daughter in the bedroom watching TV?

It is very dangerous to leave a 4 year old unattended. So many things could happen that you would never even think of. My ex used to do this too. Regardless of whether or not your husband agrees, it is very dangerous and it is something that you are not comfortable with. As their mother you are their protector and the voice for your children. You have to put your foot down on this, in my opinion. If he is not supportive of you then there is something wrong. Also, why are you the one to get them ready in the morning by yourself? You work full-time too. Maybe he can go to bed earlier, you can start work later or work part-time, maybe you can take your 4 year old to daycare earlier, or you can try not to wake your 4 year old if possible. A baby monitor would help if you are worried about him waking up when your 4 year old wakes up. This is very irresponsible of your husband and he needs to realize that your children come first. It is hard being tired all day but it would be far worse if something were to happen to your child. It's not worth an extra hour of sleep by a long shot. Whatever you do make sure it is something that YOU are comfortable with because there is enough for us to worry about as mothers without additional stress.

Krysia,

Get both kids up after you have yourself ready. You are on your own, it is child endangerment, but he obviously doesn't see it that way. An 8 year old can get hurt on their own. A 4 year old is definitely in danger with a sleeping parent. Hope you don't have a swimming pool or a busy street.

I'm wondering what other household and family responsibilities only you are in charge of?

Make a list, sit him down, divide the list, tell him how you feel and what you are prepared to do if he won't step up. If he's a good husband and father, things will change.

For starters, if it takes him a while to get it and you think he's worth it, go on a wife strike. I would do meals, laundry and shopping only for you and the kids. (You might consider just eating out so the fridge is bare except for what your kids need)...Oh yes....NO sex!

Blessings...

Blessings......

Dont wake up your four year old and Don't get him or her ready for school before you leave. Tell him to climb in bed with daddy when he wakes up Research shows that men who are more involved in raising their children, and helping around the house are happier, better adjusted, do better at work, etc. I make sure there are healthy choices for breakfast, I pack the lunch, pack the back pack and put out my son's clothes the night before. in the am i make sure the toothbrush and hair brush are right by the sink. then I go to work and Daddy does the rest. It make take an adjustment period but they'll be fine

Your husband is oh so wrong to think the way he does about this issue. That age is very curious and it only takes 5 seconds for a child to get in to trouble. I pray your husband will change his ways and always keep a watchful eye on your 4 year old and keep this child watched over and safe! I wonder what your youngest child does in this unattended time span. Does your husband know?

It's definitely not safe! Especially since your youngest is only 4 years old.

I also consider it to be neglect. Your husband should be attentive to your 4 year old's needs before school. I would be livid!

Hi Krysia,

I glanced at the responses and saw a lot of strong opinions on both sides. Just thought I'd add something... Never ignore your instincts. At the same time, give your husband the benefit of the doubt and work with him to change the routine to whatever is best for your family. It's hard for someone to change if they feel attacked. Best of luck to you!

Yes and no. Your husband should be well aware of what the 4-year-old is doing and should be awake to take care of her. However, there were times when my son was that old that I would be in the room with him while he was playing or watching TV and I would doze.

If your 4-year-old is allowed to run free while your husband snoozes then that to me is child endangerment.