Bully

I am in the exact same situation!! I stay at home and watch kids along with my 24 month old boy. This just started and he really only does it to a little boy who is his exact same age that I watch. We do time outs as well and it keeps happening! I run a tight ship around here and I feel like I am losing control. My mom works for a pediatrician and she said little boys go through this for "hopefully" only a short stint. My son has never had a hard time sharing his toys in the past and now everything is "mine". Im going bonkers. Let me know if you have suggestions. I hope they will be over it soon.

J.,
It might have a lot to do with territory. When you babysit it creates a "mine" syndrome towards other children in the home. My first thought is that he might feel like he has no control over the situation or that he isn't getting enough attention.

I know that when I was babysitting I had the same problem. When I made the time to have one on one time with the "aggressive" child (my 18 month old), it seemed to help. She was more at ease and didn't strike out as often. She wasn't mean towards her sibling, just the child I was babysitting.

You're doing the right thing and being consistent with time-outs. Not allowing the behavior is spot on! Way to go.

Be creative. I know how hard it is to "split your time" for each child, especially with other children in the home.

Good luck... Keep your chin up :)

All my Best,
S.

Boys are different creatures and tend to be more physical then anything. I babysit too and I can tell you babysitting it what will help my son a ton learn about sharing. If you cannot leave and it is in your own home, then put him away from everyone for a while, not a minute or two as he will just go back and do it again. Maybe tell him it is naptime if he does it again. If you are away from home take him away from the situation entirely, end the playdate the second he does this. It may stink and not be convenient but time out is so temporary then he gets to go back and play. Just scoop him up and say "play time is over you cannot be nice you do not get to play"...and go home.
He is testing his limits with other kids and his way of communicating. When he grabs something, hand it back to the other child and tell him "that is not nice", "you have to share" and then leave. You are doing great not allowing it. Give him words to use instead as he is old enough to say "please can I have that" or express to some degree his reasons he is acting like this.
I can say it is a combo of being two and a boy thing to some degree. Ending his fun immediately will get his attention more then anything.
I never had this issue with my son as he was used to having to share with his older sister, but my daughter tested it out and threw things and would push at that age. I nipped it in the bud early so when her brother came along that phase was over with.

I think he is too little to be a bully--but he isn't being nice. It is something to keep talking to him about and having a structured discipline in line for when those things occur...my little girl hasn't ever had to share so when we stayed with friends for a couple of weeks with another 2 year old around it was an adventure for both of them and they were often pushing and snatching toys doing the "this is mine" thing of a 2 year old. I would have her give me the toy and then return it to the other child (because she wouldn't give it to him herself) and then we would take a time out and then talk about why she had the time out...then I asked her to apologize to her friend and she would and they would go on playing until he snatched a toy etc. it is that age when they are discovering the world doesn't really revolve completely around them and that not everything they see belongs to them. Each kid will be different...trust your mom instincts but I don't think a 2 year old really knows how to be a bully...that kind of insinuates an intent to harm others. His intent I would guess is expressing himself in some way, frustration or jealousy...finding the emotion behind those actions can be hard but if you can find a pattern it will be easier to isolate. My daughter has always been worse if she is tired, hungry or needs more one on one attention. I try not to have play days around the times when I know she will either be tired or hungry and if she acts out I often realize it is because I have worked a lot recently and she needs more mommy time so we take a day for the two of us.

You sound like you're handling this very well. It seems rather normal to me (I didn't have boys). Remove the child from the situation calmly (time-out) and gently tell him why we don't do whatever it was that he did. (When you hit Sally, that makes her head hurt, and she might need a band-aid. If you do it again, Sally might be afraid to play with you because she can't count on you to be nice.)

He's still a little tiny guy. One thing I do know about boys -- teaching them how to cnotrol their natural aggression is the key to helping them live a very successful life. That's why boys without Dads, who are role-models on aggression-control, suffer so much.

This is extremely normal, especially for boys. Don't worry! Just take the toy away, give it back to the other child, tell him no firmly and have him say sorry to the other kid each time it happens. It's totally a stage that will pass. I was just reading The Wonder of Boys last night and it said this is the way kids show independence, so it's a normal stage of development. Also, the book said not to overuse time-outs and it's possible that your son is a little young for them, but I could be wrong on that. You'll be the best judge. In any case, your son will NOT grow up to be a bully. My son used to do this, and hit, and he is the sweetest 8 year old ever. I get many comments from other adults about how great a kid he is. Take heart.

When my 25month old nephew started being mean to my 10 week old- his mother wouldn't do anything. So, I picked up my nephews hand and told him that until he could be nice- he had to hold my hand. He screamed the whole time every time I did this but it worked with how he treated my son. I'm letting the other kids he is being mean to be my sisters problem. Something to think about.

My Nephew is usually an incredibly sweet boy usually as well. He is just at that stage where he doesn't realize that what he does is hurting- he just sees that he gets more attention when he does it.

Obviously the behavior is not acceptable, and it sounds like you are handling it well. I wonder if he may be trying to establish his place in the hierarchy. I know my youngest used to feel she was at the 'bottom of the rung' and would consequntly 'boss' the dog around. She would get kind of mean to him, speaking quite harshly. I noticed this would happen particularly if her older siblings would pull rank on her. Just a thought. Good luck!

Hi J..

My daughter went through this a couple of months ago (she just turned two). She preferred the company of older children- and still does. But it used to be that if a younger child was around, she would just push them or take what they had. It was a phase. I consistently told her that we are nice to our friends. At preschool, they teach them to say "No thank you friend" if they don't like what someone else is doing. Or they can say "Go away friend" instead of hitting or pushing. This has worked with my daughter because she has a way to set boundaries verbally instead of physically. That way, if she gets upset with adults too she can say the same thing.

Good luck!
M.

hello J., i think this is just a phase, I babysit my friends child and she about 18 -19 months and she does the same thing, my daughter not so much but she has been around another older little girl since she was about 6 months old, I don't know if this has anything to do with it but my friends baby is somwtimes hitting my daughter and taking things from her, she gets put in time out or told a stern no and will stop for the time being, you are good to stop your child now from this kind of behavior, I do think it is a stage though.

I have 3 boys and this behavior is not a "boy thing". My daughter has been worse than any of my boys! I have also done childcare in my home and it may be that this is your son's way of contolling the situation. He is not quite old enough to let you know that he wants to have his things to himself. I would suggest setting up an area for sharing toys and then another location for his toys that daycare kids don't play with. Let him help you so that he feels that he has some control over the situation and then enforce the rules that he shares the sharing toys and that other children cannot play with his. Of course, his special toys can only be played with when the daycare children are not there, at least at our house if you brought it out it would be shared no sharing toy or not. This has worked well for us.

Oh, welcome to boyhood. My son turns three today and we had this at the exact same age. Here is what I did: 1. Read lots of books about felings and process them at bed time. This is also good for all the kids you take care of so you can make feeling masks on popsicle sticks with printed faces they can color. Then you make up a story with sad and haoy in it and they show which side they hear....
2. Set up a quiet couch...or whatever. This is different then time out and is in a place not used much and has no toys. this is only a place to cool down. I would go thee at first with him and be sily saying I am angry...frustrated...and hit a pillow to get it out. teach him to hit a pillow or stair with carpet (if that is the time out place in your home). give him safe places to hit so he can let it out. 3. Periodically, go out in the garage or backyard and just scream together...then tickle and giggle fr a smile. Or we would just drop what we were doing when I could see this stuff coming and all just run down the sidewalk as fast as we could.

Bos have this energy and they have to expell it. Testostrone. so give him safe ways and teach him how to get rid of it and express himself without hurting people and himself. this is totally normal and let him know that. He may go into a point when he feels shame for this as he is trying to understnad what is going on...so try to find ways to prevent instead of punish.

So my son just turned two and he has a cousin (boy) that is three weeks younger than him and half the time they love each other and play really well together and the other half they're pushing, hitting or grabbing toys from each other. It's definitely an age/boy thing. My little boy was so sweet and I never thought I'd see him act this way but like most mom's have said they're learning and as long as we teach them right away that it's not ok to do then it's just one more thing they'll learn. The boys have been acting like this for months and they are getting better. I think it is a territorial thing too, if we're at my house my little boy is the meaner one, if we're at my sisters house, it's her little boy. But we've been super quick to tell them it's not okay and tell them to say sorry. They both will go on time out and it works well too. Like I said they are getting better. I feel your frustration and it's almost embarassing at times. They have a cousin that is 9 months younger than them and its even WORSE with him! Hopefully they'll all grow out of it soon and return to their sweet little selves! Consistancy is the key even though it's hard! Hang in there! We're all dealing with the same thing. Its actually a little nice to hear that my child isn't the only one that acts out! Take care!

Hi, both my kids went through it. They just started to fight about things. I think it's a phase. I have boys. They don't really understand that the hitting and stuff hurts. They don't want to share. They have to be taught the right behavior. My youngest was so bad that when he started hitting (us, mostly) he had to be gently restrained. When he acted that way with others, I made sure he said sorry. My oldest would mostly snatch toys away. Now, at 12 and 9 they apologize to each other often. There are still blow outs but not as bad as some families. It takes consistancy. Hitting can never be okay and the same with snatching toys.

Hi J.,
My 27 month old daughter is the same way, she's so far our only child, but it started as early as about 20 months. It's super frustrating and it's just a phase. I'd caution you against using labels, like bully, because soon it becomes an expectation (how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk is a great book with a section on labeling). anyway, what i've learned is that my daughter is a bit impulsive (hitting and pushing when she feels a little "caged") and also a very sensitive child (like if someone else even says as kindly as possible, oh no sweety we don't hit, there's a total meltdown. . . different than if mom or dad say it). and that i just have to be about 1/2 a foot from her at all times when playing or around other kids and anticipate the behavior, which i do by reading her body posture because it's become pretty apparent now when she might impulsively tag someone with a toy or push them over. some of it is asserting her place in everything, some of it is liking to see the cause and effect, some of it is i believe, territorial, and some of it is about personal space. the most important thing is keeping your little one safe as well as other children safe, and for the most part i try to opt out of a lot of kid activities, we do some, but not a ton, like no playgroups, or times when i'd leave her with other adults and children without me there. it's hard, but it's just a phase and you just have to keep talking through it and setting expectations BEFORE you get somewhere with kids, though it may take months for this to actually work to your advantage, it helps your child know that you KNOW he can be different and eventually he will be old enough to get it. sorry i can't give you a better plan.

It's the two-year-old thing. Boys tend to be more aggressive than girls, and every child deals with things different.
But he is not being a bully. A bully's goal is to excert dominance/fear over the other person. That requires understanding another person has feelings independent from that of the bully. Two-year-olds just don't get that yet.
Two-year-olds are learning a lot about the world around them, even the beginnings of cause and effect. They just can't understand, thought, that everybody around them doesn't see things and think the same way as they do. So when he pushes/hits/grabs the toy all he is thinking abou is that he wants the toy. He oesn't even really understand that he's not being nice!
When this happens, I would firmly say "we don't hit" (or whatever it is he did), and remove him from the situation/toy. A 2-minute timeout is not unreasonable; the goal of it is to get your son calmed down to play nicely.

Since you babysit several kids you're likely to have similar events among them, especially as the get to be toddlers. Prevention is the best remedy. Have duplicates of the most popular toys, so at least 2 kids can have one. Don't let the kids get overly hungry or tire or excited. Watch closely and intervene before hitting/throwing/pushing happens (you'll learn their cues) then model appropriate solutions (like trading or taking turns).

There was a little boy, Spencer, that was the bully of the nursery... moms and kids were afraid Spencer would hurt the little children. He would push and try to stomp with his hard church shoes. Anyway, his mom was really patient in teaching (no spanking or screaming)... she followed the advice in a book called SOS! Help for Parents (Clark). It's not in the SL County Library system, so I bought it on Amazon. It's a good book. Well anyway, he had some difficulty with speech development, and got some special help there. By the time he was 4, he was the sweetest child ever... no one would have guessed he was the nursery bully. I think it's important not to give him the "bully" label. Work with him, and he will do better. Praise him when he is gentle and kind. Work on a behavior modification program at home. Good luck!

J., does he have a special toy that he doesn't have to share with anyone? My daughter and son at age 2ish worried about having to share everything with everyone at preschool or home. I got them some toys of their own that they didn't have to share. They also kept them put up when others were around so as not to have the conflict. That satisfied the "mine, my" syndrome.

Also, they have to own something for themselves before they can actually share it with others. Letting them own somethings that didn't need to be shared, helped them see the difference and they were then able to share other things.

Is someone older bullying him and then he turns around to bully's someone smaller? Maybe he's displaying "getting back" behavior?

Boys and girls are totally different creatures!I think it is pretty normal for little boys to be aggressive. However, it is definately something you want to nip in the bud. His reasoning and logic have not developed yet so you need to set standards of behavior. Time outs work. Taking toys away when he behaves that way are also good consequences. Good luck. I think it is awesome that you are concerned about it. I hate it when parents don't react to kids bullying behavior.