Aggressive Two Year Old - West Jordan,UT

My son is aggressive as well. He started showing signs around eighteen months to two years, I think. My Mother-In-Law thinks its due to me not spending a lot of time with him and, truth be told, I haven't spent that much time with him or his older brother for two years. That isn't to say that I haven't been a part of their lives at all, I just am not well organized and am having to spend every waking moment cleaning instead of being by their side and playing with them like I thought I would be doing. My oldest child, whom I did spend a lot of one-on-one time with, is quite sweet, so my mother-in-law's theory could have merrit. I try and do things with both like make meals together and read books. I know it isn't much and I try to do more when I can. The good thing is that the boys play with each other while I clean, whiich lessens my guilt and betters their bond. I hope this long, long spiele helps!

Give him an outlet for that aggression. My boy gets to "play rough" with his dad. We also let him punch a punching bag and cushions from an old couch. If he starts being rough we say, "I don't want to play rough right now. Do you want to play rough with Dad when he gets home?" or "If you want to play rough, let's fight the couch cushions." That way he learns how to channel that boyish strength.

We've also taught him to protect his sisters vocally.

It also helped when he started naming his feelings. "are you feeling angry?" "I'm feeling angry!!"

around 20 months my daughter became really territorial and aggressive. it's been almost a year and i feel like we're starting to phase that way of behaving out. it took me many months of frustration to realize that when we were with friends i couldn't just hang out and chat, i have to be "at her side" the whole time. i have a friend who's daughter was similar, but is now 5. now her daughter struggles with some social anxieties, i wonder if this is a sign of personality, social child, but struggles with getting overwhelmed in social settings. also personality wise. . . has a large personal space (she seemed to do better in open settings, like a park, as opposed to a living room), and is impulsive but also very emotionally senitive. without enough words and ways to describe emotions, this just seems to be how some kids (more "leader" type kids) express their needs to other children. anyway, just sharing so perhaps you could keep your eye out for some of these similar personality qualities. basically explaining EVERY time. . . we don't hit we don't push, we just ask, or we share, or whatever the situation is and knowing that you've just got to be right there. i began to be able to read her body posture and realized when she was about to strike and stop her ahead of time, but it takes vigilence, which is sort of no fun when you want to hang out with other moms and let your kids play together. this too shall pass!

S.,
I am at what I hope is the end of this phase with my 24 month old. He started hitiing, pushing, pulling hair, etc a few months ago. I beleive it is just a phase and with time, love and patience you can work through it. I didn't experience the phase quite so acutely with my older son because he didn't have the "competition" my younger one does. I watch up to 4 other kids in my home, so it was a problem. I used intervention and time outs. I tried to intervene and stop the behavior if I was able to see it coming. If he did push or hit another child I would tell him no and that it was an owie and put him in time out for just a minute. He began to understand. He still does it, but not nearly as often and generally I've only seen the really bad behavior when his older brother slights him. Also, I noticed one he began to talk better the aggressive behavior lessened. I beleive the behavior comes from frustration of not getting his way and not being to communicate his anger and frustration any other way. Good luck. It is a challenging phase.

Remove him immediately from his friend and set him up against the wall, get on his level and look him in the eye and explain he isn't being nice and doesn't get to play!

Define Crazy to him. That means no rough housing, no throwing toys. The second he throws a toy, take it from him, put it out of the way but where he can see it and tell him it is "all gone until you can be nice" and don't give it back for a long while.

Keep a close eye on him and try to intercede an incident before it happens. You know him best and if you see he is getting frustrated or too crazy, time to remove him so he can calm down and regroup.

End the playdate the second he starts. Not time outs, but take him and leave if you are at someone else's house.

It is normal for boys to get more physical in play, but there is that fine line between being mean and playing rough.
Just don't allow it at home either with you or your husband until he knows what the difference is.
Kids get frustrated very easy at this age and he has little verbal skills to express it. Just watch him and the signs before he gets to the point of frustration or anger. Then put him aside and tell him he needs to take a deep breathe and calm down. If he is good at talking, ask him why he did that and that he isn't going to be able to play if he hurts someone!
Hard, my son is four and loves to wrestle. I used to tickle fight him and let him climb on me and wrestle. However we had to stop as he was being way too agressive with his sister and we had to define what the rules were. At four he just now gets it, at your son's age it may take a while.
Removing him, being consistent will help him a lot. Also when he is playing nicely, praise him. "You are playing so nicely, thank you, you are a good friend"...re enforce when he is doing the right thing! Good luck

Hi S.,

You've already received some good feedback, but I had to throw my two cents in. I've dealt with a lot of clients with this problem (I'm a child therapist). My advice summed up is this:

-Explain very specifically what you expect from him, as in show him. When you say "play nice" or "settle down", what does that mean? We so often say things like that but don't realize that's not specific enough. Show him what playing nice looks like.

-Use positive reinforcement. When he is behaving and playing as you expect, tell him! Again, so often we are just relieved that they aren't misbehaving that we forget to tell them! So tell him what you like about what he is doing so he knows (again, specifics). He will love the praise and be anxious to repeat what he did to get it.

-Do be specific (a theme, I know!) about what is not acceptable behavior, and be specific about consequences and follow through with them- every time.

-Clarify when it's time to "burn energy" and what that means. He may not differntiate when he's doing that by himself or around others. Have some pre thought of ideas for this. Jumping jacks, running circles in the yard, whatever. But be sure to say when we are "getting out our wiggles" and when we are not.

Yes, he is a boy. Yes, this is likely a phase. That explains his behavior but doesn't mean it should just play out on its own. You definitely can add some boundaries. It's a good habit to start and will be useful later on with the same skills!

Good luck with your bundles of energy!!

One thing you have to realize is that he is a boy. Now, boys are naturally aggressive, and to try to make him into a little girl won't work, and in the long run will hurt him as an adult. I'm only saying this because that is what society seems to be trying to do to our boys. However, I do think if your son is intentionally hurting someone else you have to stop the behavior at the moment. If you are at someone's house for him to play(sorry but the term "play date" for little boys bugs the crud out of me)take him home the minute the bad behavior happens. Explain to him that if he hits his friends, pulls their hair or hurts them at all, you will take him home. Don't just give him time out where you are. Remove him completely for the day. You are doing two things at that moment that are good. You are showing him you mean business and after a few times of that he will learn to not hurt his friends, and you are showing the other mom that you will protect her child. I have been on the other end of it when the other mom just let her child hit my boy, and she didn't say anything. I had to tell her son not to hit my kid. Now, if your kid and another kid are fighting over a toy or something like that...it's normal. You just have to teach him to share...and he is only 2, so this is going to take a lot of time and patience. Hang in there and make sure you don't mistake boyish behavior for bullying. As he is growing you will be able to tell the difference. I think at 2 he is just trying to see what he can do to get what he wants. Remember, kids learn behaviors. So, he may have seen another kid hit or pull hair to get what he wants and it worked, so he's trying it out. If he's in daycare it is highly possible that he learned the behavior there.

I have a wild one as well. I just take him out of the situation (time out) when he acts that way. Then, when he has cooled down, he has to apologize to the person he hurt.

My son, who is now 4 went through an aggressive phase around the time he turned two. He actually would bite other people though. Sometimes he did it as retaliation for not getting his way, but for the most part, he did it when he was overwhelmed or overexcited. We were always swift to remove him from the situation immediately when it happenned and give him time out. Afterwards, we would explain to him that we don't hurt others. This phase lasted for about 3 months. The instances happenned less and less as he got more verbal. I think you are on the right track. Just make sure you stay consistent with your time outs. Good luck!

Hi, S.! Welcome to the "terrible twos." A lot of times, when they start acting up and being more aggressive, it could be because they are having a hard time with communication. At this age, children are also developmentally egotistical and have a hard time understanding that things don't revolve around them. This can help you understand what your little guy is thinking and going through. I know my 2 year old (almost 3) can speak very well for her age, but when she gets frustrated because she doesn't know how to voice what she wants (or if somebody doesn't want to do something she wants), she started throwing things, hitting or throwing herself on the floor in a temper tantrum. What has helped with her when she acts up is getting down to her level and explaining that her behavior is not acceptable and if she doesn't choose acceptable behavior (then I'm specific about the way she SHOULD be behaving), she will have to take a time out and think about it. I also tell her to use her words and we'll talk about what is bothering her. Sometimes, it just helps them to talk it out because they don't understand what it is themselves. A good strategy to use when they are rough or are mean to a playmate or sibling is to ask them how they would feel if their friend did the same thing to them (it teaches them empathy and if they can imagine how the other person felt, they will be more likely to stop the behavior). Then if she was rough with or hit someone or yelled at someone, she'll go over and apologize to them and she'll start playing nice. The key is consistency (I know that can be hard with another little one around :)) so that your little guy understands what is acceptable and what is not and be sure to be clear what your expectations are because that will help them understand. Good luck- it will get better :0)

Hi S.,
I have been reading a book that I really love that could help if you are interested it's called "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood" Practical Parenting from birth to six years by Jim Fay and Charles Fay, Ph.D. America's Parenting Experts. This book has been heaven sent for me. I LOVE IT. I'm not perfect at it of course, but it really makes sense. Your situation made me thing of a part in the book when they talk about sharing the control with your child. Give them lot's of choices that you are good with either choice usually between 2 things like: The choice between two different shirts, or do you want to get ready for bed now or in 2 minutes or 5 or whatever you want to do. In the tub do you want to wash your body or your hair first. Keep it simple if verbal skills are not as good yet, but even if they don't say a whole lot they understand a lot. When the time comes that they don't have a choice you can say I've given you lots of choices and now its my turn to make a choice. With aggression I find that the softer and sweeter I am as a parent that helps him be softer and sweeter example is the best teacher, it helps to give him choices and not force him to do things but give him time to do it. Like when it's time to go upstairs and he doesn't want to come I say do you want to come all by yourself or should I carry you up. Usually he decides he want to do it himself. You give him 19 seconds to decide and then if he hasn't made a choice you choose for him. I usually say if he's taking to long I'll give you to the count of 5 to make up your mind if you havn't decided I'm going to carry you. I walk toward him as I count he usually jumps up and goes on his own. Either way he's coming upstairs. I also am careful about what he watches even some of the suposed kid shows are pretty vialent. Too much t.v, not good sleep, and lack of control in there life tend to make kids aggressive. Kids love to feel they have some say in there world, just like we do. Hope that helps

I thought of another thing. He might just need another way to get out all that energy maybe a tumbling class or just extra time to run and play outside.

I know it's frustrating having an aggressive 2 year old. My older son was that way, and my younger son is starting to act the same way. I think it is because they are starting to become more independent and are showing their need to be in control and have power over other people. With my older son, I wold hold both of his hands and make sure he was looking at me and told him it was not okay to hurt people. If he continued I would remove him from the group and we would try later. Try roll playing type activities like taking care of a baby doll or stuffed animals. That seemed to help as well, and it's a great way to teach them independence without being harmful. Good luck!