Breastfeeding Is Not a Bonding Experience for me..its a Nightmare

It's okay to stop! Just do it and be stress free. You don't need breastfeeding to bond...in fact you'll bond a lot easier when you're not approaching the situation like a "nightmare"! Don't feel bad, just stop and you will feel good! Bottles are okay, and formula makes smart kids too! ;)

Hi C.,

I'm giving you hugs from here. I don't see any responses yet, but I expect to see a million. No matter what, I would like to leave you with this thought. Yes, breast milk is the best milk. It does not, however, define you in any way as a good mother. And breastfeeding is a great way do bond with your baby, but it is one in about a million ways.

I have 5 children. Two breastfed like champs. Three didn't and I couldn't breastfeed them for different reasons. I can honestly say that there is no difference in the bond I have with any of those kids. They are five completely different kids who are special to me for five completely different reasons because God, in his infinite wisdom, new how to make room in my heart for as many kids as he gave me. But the bond is euqually as strong and they are equally as precious.

If it were me, I would do what made it the happiest and most peaceful experience for me and my baby. If you are miserable and your son is miserable and you are constantly in pain and worrying if he is getting enough then it would be hard to make that a bonding experience. And IF you decided to bottle feed your baby, you should do it free of guilt or worry because you are still gonna be a pretty awesome mom and he will still love you like you are a pretty awesome mom and you will love him because there is room in your heart to do so, whether you breastfeed or not.

With hugs and support,

L.

Oh man I have SO been there!!

I'm sure you will get a zillion responses.

My two cents is this:

Using formula IS OKAY. I know from personal experience how awful it makes you feel - there is definitely a huge stigma surrounding mothers who do not breast feed.

Your baby will NOT be unintelligent, unhealthy or sickly because he wasn't breast fed.

Again... ITS OKAY.

It was a nightmare for me too. I would cry through every feeding... finally my husband had to sit with me and rub my shoulders or just hold my hand to get through it. I would cry when I had to get dressed in the morning or change clothes, and when I needed to change bra pads. My son, who weighed 9 lbs. at birth, weighed in at only 5-6 lbs at his 6 week check up.

I felt awful and selfish. My child not only cried a lot and always seemed hungry and cranky.. but he had lost a lot of weight. I got mad, got focused, and got some formula.

That kid sucked down a 6 ounce bottle in one sitting, passed out immediately and slept through the night that night.

Please don't beat yourself up!! Start treating your breasts so they can heal, buy that baby some formula and rest well knowing that you are doing whats best for YOUR family.

Check with your doc about the bumps. Could be an infection. Maybe or maybe not affecting your son's latching?

As far as bonding... I will tell you what my husband told me: If you are miserable struggling with the breastfeeding, then don't put yourself or the baby through it. If you are suffering and getting stressed out every time it is time to feed, then you pass those stress vibes to your son, and it will affect his feeding. If you can put aside the "guilt" and enjoy feeding your baby with a bottle and formula, then you will bond just fine. And you will enjoy this time all the more. Please don't beat yourself up over this. If you are miserable then it is NOT WORTH it! Don't let anyone tell you differently.
I nursed our first, and it was soooo easy... I was so excited to do so with our 2nd and it was just misery for both of us. After about a month I quit completely with her and we were both much better off. The whole family was. And she is perfectly fine now, almost 9 years later!! She is the healthiest of my 2 kids. No allergies. Never seems to get sick. No ear infections. etc etc

Consider how much stress you are heaping on yourself and then consider how much better you will be able to cope with a new baby and a household of other kids and responsibilities without the added stress of breastfeeding problems. If you want to continue working at it, then by all means, go for it. But it sounds like you need someone to tell you that it's okay to stop now. And it is. It's OK to stop.
Congrats on the new addition to your family.

You poor poor thing. My heart goes out to you. I can totally relate since each of my three children started off the SAME way with bleeding,cracked, sore nipples and my newborn not latching on correclty while I was totally engorged- my breasts became HUGE rocks I would tell friends- it was so so painful and I had a ton of milk. I thought I've done this two times already (breastfed for a year both my children, why is the third just as hard?) For me, it was incredibly stressful since I knew I had a lot of milk and didn't consider an alternative to breastfeeding, so each time I would hunt down the best and right lactation consultant for ME, sleep deprived and hormonal- I was a wreck! R.M is totally right- it is CRUCIAL to find a lactation consultant who can spend ample time with you, physically take your breast in her hand and your baby's mouth to demonstrate a DEEP latch- a newborn doesn't know how to do this- you must teach them. DEEP meaning the baby's bottom lip should be below the lining of your aereola (the outer area around your nipple). Babies, I learned, have to be taught this initially and down the line, they learn and do it naturally after several months and if you stick with it, you'll find once the worst is over, it's heavenly and lovely to breastfeed. If you desperately want to breastfeed and give it a good stab, the best advice I can give would be to pump - I know it hurts, you bleed- that's okay as long as you keep pumping regularly to stimulate your production -crucial right now or you'll dry up. You need to let the nipples heal for a 1-2 days, pumping meanwhile every 2-3 hours, then putting breastmilk on your nipples, helps the healing, then put on the Lansinoh-feels great. I did it and it's stressful I know but you'll heal quickly that way. But in the meanwhile, find a great lactation consultant who will see you during a feeding time to show you how to do the deep latch and soon! Research DEEP latch- videos, pictures. It's crucial you learn how to apply this and teach your newborn. People all assume it's instinctive to breastfeed, but the mom AND baby need to learn. I knew what to do by the third time, but I was besides myself and still needed someone to show me and overnight, I went from ready to give up to life is wonderful. I had an amazing lactation consultant I found through a baby store here in CA- try the stores or places where baby classes are offered in your area since they're often contracted with lactation consultants. I wish you could see mine but I'm in Southern CA. But maybe you can speak to her- it's so worth every penny. She may be able to help guide you- personally I'd fly this woman out. But you can at least give her a call. Her name is Leslye and her number is ###-###-#### and her website is gentlenursing.com. She changed my life! Once your nipples are a little better, a day or two of only pumping, with breastmilk and lasinoh will do wonders quickly to heal you! That was her advice to me. The white spots are different -that sounds like Thrush- see: http://www.kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mom/nipplebleb.html and read about Thrush, what you can to treat it but it's directly connected to the improper latching or incorrectly fitting nipple shield. So, learning that DEEP latch will solve all your problems! Remember the baby's bottom lip needs to go on the bottom of your aereola and the top lip should go above your nipple to the top of the aereola. It's hard to do when they're young since they don't open wide until they cry- a good time to take advantage of the wide mouth. I so wish I could show you and demonstrate. You're welcome to skype me- I have a video and I could demonstrate the best I can, but better would be a lacation consultant who could show you in person. All I can say is that if you can survive this and learn how to do it correclty, it's SO worth every moment. I'm breastfeeding my third child, now 11 months and plan to continue as long as he'll let me.

Having said all that, there's no shame in giving up, drying up since the best mommy is a happy, rested mommy, not stressed out, exhausted, sleep-deprived etc. It's your choice ultimately. But if you want to try, it's worth the attempt with some pumping, a good lactation consultant within a day or so- you may have to pay a hevty amount out-of-pocket as I did since my hospital had the worst lactation consultants who said I couldn't breastfeed and just made me depressed.
I hope the best for you either way. I know what you're going through since it wasn't that long along I was calling the lactation consultant sobbing on the phone, desparate for help, desperate to feed my baby. Just know you're not alone! Good luck!

The same thing happened with my first child. I eventually decided to quit after a month of crying from the pain every time I nursed. I felt so guilty "giving up" until I realized that I was bonding even more with her once we started the formula because I wasn't in horrible pain anymore. It does NOT make you a bad mother if you decide to quit breastfeeding. If you decide to continue I would find some help right away. Good luck with everything! :)

Hi there! I nursed both of my boys for at least 2 1/2 years each, through trush, plugged ducts, infected milk sinuses, mastitis, biting and a benign breast lump. I'm not telling you that you have to do the same. I'm just warning you that my advice might be a little enthusiastic about nursing, so take with a grain of salt. If you choose to continue, here's what I recommend.

1.) Lansinoh nipple ointment is made from pure lanolin and is totally safe for baby to digest. It will help with your cracked nipples in no time flat. Just apply a pea size total between both nipples after nursing and after each shower. Also, see your ped about a possible thrush infection. Check out baby's mouth, if you see the same white rash/bumps in baby's mouth, then it probably is thrush. That can also cause the cracked nipples. Thrush is a type of yeast infection very commonly passed back and forth between new mommy and nursing baby.

2.) Your breasts are going to be engorged for the first couple of months at least. More at first and gradually dropping off. I know mine were. That doesn't mean you have a clogged duct. If you get a clogged duct, you WILL know it. It starts with swelling and redness and can develop red lines on the breast around the swelling. Just remember, the more your baby nurses, the better your supply will ultimately be. Take advantage of this time of engorgement to give your breasts their marching orders for the next year or two. Nurse, nurse, nurse and if you're still engorged after nursing, then try pumping too. The more stimulation you provide, the better your supply will be.

3.) Can the lactation consultant and do what feels right for you and what makes your baby happy. I sometimes think that lactation consultants get a little too narrow minded and start thinking that things have to be done one exact way to ensure success and this is just not true. There are a million ways to breastfeed, so find what works for you and baby. Try laying down in bed with him, try the football hold, try laying on your back and letting him lay on your stomach...etc... there are about as many different ways to breastfeed as there are nursing moms. Positioning him differently just may make the difference with his latch. BTW, his latch doesn't have to be perfect, no matter what the books and LC's have to say about it. If he seems happy and it's not causing you pain (I mean after you get the nipple thing taken care of) then keep on keepin' on. As he learns to nurse better, his latch will correct itself. My sister had nipple problem just because the LC was forcing her to unlatch her daughter every minute to readjust. That's sooooo not necessary. I say, let mom and baby learn what works for them.

4.) Are you sure that you're not making that much? Is your baby gaining weight? Is he wetting 8-10 diapers a day and dirtying 3-5? Are his eyes bright and shiny, his mouth wet and his fontanel smooth (meaning, not sunken in) all of which are good signs of proper hydration? If so then you're producing plenty. It can be very difficult to get started with pumping since the stimulation is so different than a nursing baby (which is why I always recommend manual pumps so you can control the pace and rhythm to more accurately mimick your own baby). Don't count your milk supply by what you're able to express. Baby is WAY better at getting milk out of a breast than mom is, trust me.

5.) Drink tons of water and, this may sound a little odd but trust me it works, visualize. I learned this with my first and passed it on to my sister. She wouldn't believe me at first, but she finally tried it out of exasperation with me (hoping it would make me go away and quit bugging her about it :)). Take a good long drink of cool water, the get baby latched however is comfortable for you, then close your eyes and imagine that you are pushing energy from your chest out through your breasts over and over. I know it sounds corny, but this always produces let-down in every mom I've passed it on to. You've got nothing to lose by trying it anyways.

Please remember that breastfeeding isn't easy. You have to give it at least 3 solid months of trying before you can say for sure about it. It takes at least 3 months for mom and baby to get comfortable with each other and to get into a rhythm. After that, it feels like smooth sailing (until they start teething of course! lol!) It's tough, but worth it in my opinion. You'll have to make your own decision of course, but I hope my advice can help if you choose to continue.

Best wishes!

While there are benefits to breastfeeding, it should be a positive experience for you and your son. There are many other wonderful ways to bond with your child if you decide not to breastfeed. I'd say give it your best shot and then switch to formula. I breastfed my first until 7 months and my second until 5 months. I did not feel guilty when I stopped--I did my best:)

I think lactation cosultants are like any other health care person, you have to find the one that fits for you. I met one in the hospital that was no help, and one that was. I have heard horror stories about some of them. If you want to keep trying, I suggest a different LC to see if maybe the new one will have a different technique for you to try.

You are going to get a lot of (hopefully helpful) support telling you to keep at it. I will let others cover that. I DO believe breast is best, but I believe more important than breastmilk is a happy mommy. If you are sacrificing your sanity, happiness and bonding time with your new baby, you might be better off doing formula. Make sure that you are ready to call it quits, then just do it and don't feel guilty about it. Lots of moms choose to never even try, and that is their right. You tried, and it isn't working out for you. If you know you did your best, but that your baby and family would be better off if you quit nursing, then that is ok. THAT will be "your best". If what you are looking for is the bond, then make feeding time special and quiet for the two of you, without distractions. That can be your bonding time, over a bottle with no pain, struggle or frustration. That is ok.

Good luck, I hope you start feeling better soon!

Don't feel bad. I only breastfed my boys for a short time because it was so excruciatingly horrible for us. I felt I went on as long as I could before going to formula, so I don't feel too guilty at all. Once I switched over, I was happier and the babies were too since things were less stressful and crazy. I can say my boys are teens now and there has been no ill effects from not breastfeeding for months or years! You are a great mommy for doing all you can and doing your best, so don't forget that!

I have four children also. I had a similar experience with my second. I didn't have a lactation consultant though and I did give up. I felt it was the right decision at the time. I was in constant pain and very stressed. I did, however, suffer with a lot of guilt over that decision because my son later developed asthma and has always had fairly severe allergies. But, now that he's grown, I don't feel the guilt anymore. His asthma is very mild, and now that all my children are older, they all have some allergy symptoms. I really don't think if I could go back and do it all again I would have changed anything. I made the best decision I could at that time considering the circumstances. It can be very stressful on the entire family. As far as bonding, I was just as bonded to him as to any of my children. I am probably closer to him now than my other children. Bonding was never an issue. If you want to quit, do it and don't feel guilty. If you want to continue, get yourself a good lactation consultant who will let you call anytime, and explain to your family how important it is that they give you support. Maybe they could take over the household chores, etc... Whatever you decide, the important thing is just that you love your child.

I didn't read all of the answers - I am sure there are lots of good ones. I stopped after 6 weeks with my first and 8 weeks with my second for the same reasons. Once we went to the bottle and the stress was gone the bonding was much better. I held them the same way as I did with nursing and did everything just the same except no pain. Best of luck to whatever you decide to do.

I never found it to be the huge bonding experience people talk about either. Don't feel guilty! I did breastfeed my first and supplemented with formula for 4 months and only 3 weeks with my second! I love them more than anything, but I found breastfeeding to be a chore for the most part and my milk supply was NEVER adequate. I went into motherhood ready to breastfeed and pump and go for at least a year, but like a lot of other things, it just didn't work out that way! We were all so much happier when it wasn't an issue any more. I bonded just fine with both of my sons and we have wonderful, loving and rich relationships. Try for as long as you feel like you need to, but don't drive yourself crazy! If you're miserable, your child picks up on that too, so it's better for everyone and for bonding for mom to be less-stressed and feeling good! I'm not having any more children, but I don't know if I would even fool with it if I did.

I think the itchy white bumps could be a yeast infection. You may want to call your doctor about that.

It sounds like you have thrush, I had thrush with my third baby I know how miserable it can be. Whatever your decision is with breastfeeding remember you gave it your all and just do what is right for you. Good luck.

C.,
I am so sorry this has been so difficult for you.

If you decide to keep at it, please get some APNO ointment - it stands for All Purpose Nipple Ointment - I used it with my daughter. I too was cracked and bleeding and sore and painful - this cleared it up within about two days. It is by prescription, and I had it made at a compounding pharmacy. I go to a practice with OB's and midwifes, and the lactation consultant there prescribed the APNO ointment. If your current Lactation consultant isn't working for you, TRY ANOTHER ONE! If you want to keep at it, that is.
Get some support from your local La Leche League if you want to keep trying. It sounds very difficult for you right now - I am sorry things are so hard. Please know that if you do want to keep at it (no judgement from anyone, be kind to yourself no matter what decision you make) things can get better.

Good luck, please keep us all posted.
If I can help in any way, please let me know!

For your sore and cracked nipples, I recommend triple nipple oinment. Your OB will have to prescribe it thru a compounding pharmacy but it is awesome. It has several types of medicine, including anti-bacterial and anti-fungals in it. I used the ointment in combination with breast shells, between feddings and pumpings and saw major improvement in 24hours and complete relief in 3 days.

Please make an appointment to see the lactation consultant ot a La Leche league leader. They can really help you get baby to latch on correctly. Until keep pumping.

This is a response that i got from mamapedia mom. Check to see if he is tongue tied. That's were the skin on the bottom of the tongue either is not streatchy enough yet or is to far up on the tongue. We think that is why my son never could latch on and their fore sucking the wrong way and making my nipples crack and bleed. I let my milk dry up and with her support and advice are trying to get my milk back and my son to latch on. If you want her name I can give it to you. She is a really nice lady who is super supportive and well educated!

Why on earth would you continue to do something that you describe as "a nightmare"? Let go of the social paranoia and guilt and do what's best for YOU and your baby! A happy healthy mom is a better mom. Good luck!

C., don't feel bad about it. You do what you feel is right for your baby and yourself. If you feel bad and sore, it won't work. If you feel you have tried everything and made lots of efforts don't force the situation, neither you or your precious baby will be happy. It is true that breastfeeding is an ideal way to feed your baby, but other methods are not bad at all and won't hurt your baby. You still can create a beautiful bond with your baby. Bond is developed by strong and unconditional love and dedication, and for that you need to feel yourself healthy, happy and rested.
With my first baby I had the same problem, I felt so miserable and I tried so many things to breastfeed my little boy. I couldn't, I was feeling bad, guilty and sore and the baby would cry a lot. God knows I tried! then I decided to feed him with formula.It worked. He is now a healthy, smart and cute 10 year old boy! With my second baby, I was able to breastfeed him without problems and efforts for 6 months, I was happy, he was happy. He is also a smart, healthy and beautiful 4 year-old boy!
Relax and enjoy your baby, do not compare yourself to other moms, you are you, you are unique and so is your baby. Just find the best way to feed him with the pediatrician's help and be happy!

contact your local lll leader (find her on www.llli.org). Even if you want to stop, she will help you figure out how to do that and heal the most easy and painless way. If you have any desire to keep it up, she will help you do that in a manageable way. Breast is best, but there is NO shame in taking care of your family in a way that works better for your family. Be proud of what you've done.

K.

ps i agree with the ointment compound, it's a lifesaver!

Bacteria infections show up as red and inflamed looking. I would guess that they might be a yeast infection. Or they could be pimples. I've had pimples on my breasts. Just 1 or 2 at a time. I think you would recognize a pimple, tho. The doctor can culture to determine what is causing them.

You are not alone. I feel your pain and sympathize with you so much. I only have 2 kids so far, but with both of them (especially the first one) breastfeeding was soooo hard and painful. Some of the things that finally helped me will sound a bit crazy but I can swear by them....they were lifesavers.
One thing we used were tea bags. Just wet the tea bag in hot water (or warm if you are too sore at first) just enough to get things moist on the inside of the bag and then just lay it on your nipples (one on each). Then just lay a kitchen towel across your chest and let them "soak". It will stain the towel so make sure it's not your favorite one! These can just be super cheap, plain tea bags. Do this multiple times a day and it will help toughen the skin of your nipples. I know it sounds wierd, but it works.
The other thing we used was a cream called Jack Newman's cream. This was recommended to us by one of the the lactation consultants (we saw 3 with my first and 2 with my second!). We were in Ohio when both kids were born, so I'm not sure this is something that is used everywhere, but if you can find a doctor/lactation consultant/compound pharmacy that knows what it is, it will save your life. I can't even tell you how much I consider this cream a miracle worker. It was truly heaven sent. It was expensive, but it was worth it.
If this is something you really want to do, hang in there. It could take as long as 6-8 weeks before nursing is semi comfortable and not painful. For me it was right around 7 weeks before I didn't want to die every time the baby cried for food. We pumped a lot and I did use a nipple shield for a while too (although that didn't work with my second). I'm so sorry you are having so much trouble.
The other thing to keep in mind is that some just aren't successful with breastfeeding. Not because you didn't want to, but because you just weren't able to. Bodies are different and some of the reason for being unsuccessful may be things you have no control over. Don't feel like you're letting yourself down or your baby. Whatever you decide will be with the best interest of your baby in mind and that is what is important.
Good Luck. It can be a long hard road, that is definitely worth it, but is not the only way to a healthy baby. Your baby will love you and bond with you no matter what.

I didn't read all your responses since you have so many. But thought I would go ahead and suggest a few things just in case no one has mentioned. I had mastitus several times with my first and the culprit was the underwire in my bra, and caffeine didn't help. Once I fixed those two things the infection was healed for good and had a good experience. For clogged ducts, which can lead to mastitus, an old wives trick is put cabbage leaves in your bra, it pulls the clog right out. Women also use these when stopping nursing to relieve engorgement. The best reccomendation for cracked nipples is not cremes. It is brestmilk and air. Express a small amount and let dry try and go without a shirt if possible or the shields are nice just to keep anything from touching them. Also, with engorgement, if you pump (which I know you say hurts) before you feed for just a few minutes it will relieve some of the pain of engorgement and the "let down" process will already have been started so he won't be sucking as hard to get the milk. Always start with the side that hurts the least until your nipples heal. Only other thing I can think of for him latching on right is if you have inverted nipples which the shields will likely pull right out. I used them with my first, but never nursed with them....I just put them in my bra inbetween feedings and nursed without them. Best wishes to you!!

you need to do what works for you. If it is stressful then that isn't helping the baby as they can feel when you are stressed out. Feeding should be a wonderful experience whether you choose to b/f or bottle feed. Don't feel guilty for doing what is best for you and your baby. It doesn't work out for everyone and that is why there is the formula option available. You can bond with formula feeding too. Hold your baby and sing or talk to them while feeding and you will still create a bond.

I had 3 kids, b/f first for 3 weeks because he actually did better on the formula and threw up most of his breast feedings, 2nd for 5 months, 3rd for 5 months but planned to feed him for a year but he weaned himself and wasn't interested anymore and I wasn't going to pump as that was painful so we just went to formula. All 3 of them are healthy and bonded with them whether they were b/f or bottle fed. I rocked them with every bottle except the water bottle that was in their bed if they got thirsty in the middle of the night which they rarely drank more than 1-2 ounces but it was available if needed and all 3 of them slept through the night by 8 weeks.

Don't stress yourself. Do what is best for you and your baby and don't let others make you feel bad. It is a choice that you have a right to make and either way babies are happy. There were generations where B/F was the only way and then generations where it wasn't the cool thing to do so very few women did it, and now it is more popular and so many people have their own opinions that you are doing something wrong if you don't b/f but it shouldn't be something based on popularity or what other people think. It should be a decision that you make which works best for you and shouldn't matter to anyone else what choice you make. My grandma had 8 kids in 9 years in the 50's and she didn't b/f any of them and they all turned out fine. In fact she is still uncomfortable with the thought of b/f and she sure doesn't like it when women b/f in public places.

Good luck and decide what is right for your situation because feeding shouldn't be a dreadful experience and before you know it your baby will be out of these stages and eating real food.

Yep, it'll do that. The first week is hell. Maybe even a second week. After that, it should be fine. Baby's sucking on an injured nipple. It'll hurt. Lanolin cream will keep the scab soft, which helps a little, but does nothing for the pain. I used ice packs between nursing for that. I never tried a nipple shield, not even quite sure what that is.

The bumps are probably...what's it called...Thrush? Something like that. I never had it, but I remember my nursing books talking about it. I think it's like a yeast infection on the nipple and in the kid's mouth? I could be wrong about that, though. A long time since I was up on that stuff. Ask your doctor. It's not a normal part of the process, but it is something that can be cured.

Talk to your local laleche league. They can help. It sounds like you really want to do it, so keep trying. All that new-mommy lack of sleep probably isn't helping you tolerate the pain any either. Probably does seem like a nightmare at the moment.

Follow this link for a summary of everything I learned about breastfeeding (from my blog). I'm told I managed to write down some wise things about it. I hope it helps: http://karenbethjones.wordpress.com/2010/01/28/things-ive...

If you have your heart set on doing this, then keep trying some of the great advice you've gotten here.

If this is too terrible for you---DON'T beat yourself up over it. Look, we all know that breastfeeding is good for you and baby. That DOESN'T mean that formula is poison or even wrong. It may be just right for you and baby, and we all know plenty of healthy, happy, well-rounded formula-fed kiddos. Also, supplementing with formula does NOT negate the health benefits of breast milk. So if you need to stop or do some of each, it'sOK. Do what works for you, baby, and the other kiddos you are still needing to take care of and then just try to relax and enjoy. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. You are already a great mom, but not going through this kind of pain doesn't mean that you won't still be!!

Good luck.