Boyfriend - Des Moines,IA

Give custody to their father or wait until they are more accepting or in college. The children must come first.

Blessings.....

I know the usual reaction is kids come first but we are talking kids that don't even know what they want. They don't understand their feeling themselves. One of my daughters friends "hated" the man her mom was dating. Not because he was bad or didn't love her mom, it was because she was 14 at the time. They got married, she is now 22 and loves the guy. She cannot tell you why she behaved as she did.

So I will go against the advice to take one for the kids. Tell them to suck it up if you are sure he is a good guy.

Okay I get that kids are good judges of character but teenagers are not. Just my two cents.

My daughter, bless her heart, told me why she didn't "like" anyone I dated. She said mom, look at dad, you have a pretty crappy track record. I had to prove to her my picker wasn't broken. She was all over being our maid of honor. I guess I should thank god I have the kids I do. :)

See, here's the thing: your kids don't really have to be crazy about him just because you are. You didn't say you're getting married or planning on having him move in, so just roll with it for now. Make sure there's not something about him that your kids have picked up on & you've missed because you're so into him, but otherwise, just make him accessible & available to them without shoving him down their throats. I see no reason why you should be forced to not date & be happy for the next decade because your children disapprove.

Don't force him on them, keep seeing him alone, mostly, and set up short "casual" dates that are fun for the 4 of you but especially for the kids. If they keep disliking him after few more months they should be then able to tell you why, at least. I would never force someone to my son if he didn't like him, that would make me feel like a selfish mother since my son comes always first AND I would not be happy with the guy anyways, knowing that my son is miserable because of my choice. My opinion: when the choice is right, it is right for all involved. otherwise is just ill-fated, for a reason or the other. Good luck, and be sensitive to your children: he's a stranger in their house for them!

Kids and dogs are great judges of character. Before you dimiss this as kids will be kids, give it some thought. If my teen daughter wasn't comfortable around a guy I was dating, I would go all out to make sure there was nothing to what she is feeling.
You have to discern if they don't like the idea of you dating or they don't like the guy. If they aren't comfortable telling you how they feel, employ an ally. Take him to meet your mom, sister, best friend. See what feeling that person gets about the guy and have that person strike up a convo with the kids about him. See if they will open up to that 3rd party about why they feel this way.

I'm a child of divorce. My mom didn't date often but trust me when my sister and I didn't like a guy and couldn't put our finger on why. There usually was a good reason that would crop up sometime later.

You may think their father is influencing them negatively but that may not be it at all. Your dating someone makes you kids have to possibly give up the dream in their minds that the two of you will get back together again and live happily ever after. It isn't fair to the kids for you to not acknowledge how they are feeling. How is your beau handling dealing with your kids?

Has your beaus indicated in any way shape form or fashion that the relationship between the two of you is anything more than it is or that it will become more? Is yuor hopes of this relationship leading to something more just your hopes or does he share your vision for the future.

How well do you know this man since you have only been dating a short time? Your kids will only be in your home another 6 years minimum. They have much to do in the way of growing and learning and they will learn by watching you.

Committed relationships take time. Your kids will be your kids for a lifetime and you need to foster a relationship of respect and trust with them. Open up some dialog with your children minus beau's presence and with. It's time to lay all the cards on the table.

You can't force your children to like him. If you push they will push away from you.

I think your kids have to come first. Doesn't mean he goes away, but maybe you find ways to try and help the relationship?

Hi H.,

What do you mean "opened up to him"? What are your expectations of what he will "be" to them?

15 and 12 are touchy ages. Under the best of circumstances they are dealing with major influxes of hormones, changing friends, severe lack of impulse control, figuring out who they are and what they want and ON TOP of that your kids are dealing with whatever it is their feelings are about their parents divorce, which happened when they were relatively old (consider parents get divorced when a kid is 3 - by the time that kid is 12 they don't really remember their parents being together - your kids absolutely remember when you all were one big happy romanticized-with-no-memory-of-the-bad-feelings family).

Teens are like toddlers - just with bigger bodies. Don't expect them to act like adults... just cuz they are adult sized.

Having said that, you shouldn't really be having questions about whether or not they "like" your boyfriend. You, as the parent, make a decision about who you bring around your kids. As your kids are your FIRST priority you should only bring someone around your kids if they (and the relationship they have with you.... and who YOU are when you are around that person) is a healthy example of behavior you want them to model.

Once you establish that this person is not harmful to your kids, then you assimilate them in a fashion that is comfortable for THEM and for your new guy. They are way too old to ever have a father/child relationship with this guy, so you hope for "adult male friend". Just like your friend Steve at book club. Or Joe, the guy who lives next door who sometimes comes over and you grill together.

You need to focus on their behavior, not their feelings. Because you don't control how your kids feel. But you can expect that they will treat anyone who comes into your home in a respectful fashion (assuming they are treated in a respectful fashion). They should say hello and goodbye and please and thank you and not roll their eyes at him or walk away from him in the middle of his sentences. If he asks them a question, they should answer.

And they should be left OUT of your relationship with him.

That's pretty much all your expectation should be. Now, in a perfect world your kids and your guy would mesh and it would all be happy rosy unicorns and rainbows. But, if they don't.... well you have some things to think about. They may NEVER be ok with you dating. anyone. period. for no rational reason at all. ever. And they don't have to be. They didn't ask for you and their dad to screw up and get divorced. So, look at your guy.... how is he handling this? What are HIS expectations of what he will be to your kids. How is he handling them not "liking" him? You may be able to tell a bunch about what he's actually like by how he handles this.

Good Luck

I hate to say this, but 9 months is not that long. Is it that they don't like him, or that they don't like him as much as you want them to? There is a difference. Being divorced for 4 years feels like a long time for you, but for a kid, it doesn't mean much. Even if their father wasn't making them feel guilty, they STILL would feel guilty because he's not their father and you are, in their eyes, replacing their father. To like this man is to be disloyal to dad.

Also, 15 year old daughter is going to feel uncomfortable with a strange man in her life, regardless of how much you like him. And I speak from experience when I say that sometimes bad things happen in these situations. So you can't expect her to relax around him and about him after 9 months. YOU barely know him.

Take your time and enjoy his company. Do not push your relationship on your children. Have group outings, etc. But unless he proposes and you get engaged, don't force the relationship to be more with the kids.

Is he involved with your children? Do you include them in daily and special activities with him. Could they feel this way because they don't know him very well? If so, I suggest you spend more time with him and with the children. Help them get to know him.

If he's spending time with the children and they still feel this way, I'd take the relationship more slowly. For you to have a successful family you need to have the kids in agreement. They don't have to love, love him but they need to be willing to try the relationship out.

Counseling might help them sort out their feelings.

Can you talk with their father and find out why he's influencing the kids this way? He may be able to verbalize reasons that the children can't. Yes, he may be jealous but he also may be able to see things that you can't because he's a man.

At 15 and 12 you do need to accept their feelings and work to understand why they have them. Keep communication open. Work with them. Do not try to push him on them. However, do arrange times for everyone to be together.

Keep dating him yourself and leave your kids out of it. A relationship can be wonderful and serious without having to live together - your relationship with your BF may actually be BETTER if you don't try to get your kids involved.

I have a lot of divorces/remarriages in my family: if the kids aren't 100% ready for their parent to have a new partner either one of two things always happens: either you end up breaking up with BF or you ruin your leationship with your kids. ALWAYS. Guaranteed. They don't sound ready (no matter what the reason).