Life After Divorce

I used to the president of the man haters club after my divorce. i met my now husband thorugh firends at school i strted going to school after my divorce and that amde things easier the kdis got used to havign me away for parts of each day. since my ex would have the kids every other weeknd i felt so alone and awful when the kids were gone so i started accepting invitations to firneds bar be ques and such and that is where they set us up. at first i would only see him on the weekends that the kids were gone but once i knew i was going to stay with im i intorduced him to the kids in a neutral area. we went to dinner than camping and then he took the boys hunting which was omething they always wanted to do beut their dad is anti gun so they never got to go. when he wanted to get married he asked them first and they were all for it and then they all proposed to me together. how could i say no? we have been married for ten years now.

I have never been divorced, but my husband passed away 17 months ago and I have been dating different people for 14 months. In this time I have learned a lot about relationships, about my kid's feelings and about myself. You don't mention your children's ages, but no matter what, they will react to you having someone new in your life. Of course your situation is different. When I started dating I thought I was ready for a new relationship. It turns out I wasn't, and I was fortunate enough to find a man who loved me and loved himself enough to let me go, but helped me before he did. He explained to me that before you can have a healthy relationship, you have to be emotionally healthy yourself. This includes your relationship with your children. If you have an open communication line with them, you can explain to them, according to their age, that any healthy person wants to love and be loved. One thing I assure my child (the one old enough to understand, thus, worry) is that I would not be with someone who didn't love him. If the guy I got to love didn't love my son, then I wouldn't love the guy anymore. I am (and you are) a package deal. The person you choose and chooses you will have to accept that. And no matter how well they get along, there will be adjustments that EVERYONE will go through. Of course, one thing I ask for in a relationship is respect. You may not like someone, but you will respect that person nonetheless. It's not only your children that will react to him, he will react to them and you will react to both parties together. Another thing my friend taught me is that you have to be happy with yourself before you can make someone else happy. Regardless of the circumstances of your divorce, it is a loss that you grieve for a while. You may get a very supportive person, but you will try to make a life with him, and for that, you need to be in good shape emotionally. Do not expect your problems or your needs to disolve with a new partner. Sure you need a shoulder to cry, but he also has a life of his own and may need a shoulder to cry too, and you need to be emotionally stable to help him too.
Best of luck, and remember, there are many guys in the world, but your children will be your children all your life.

How old are your children? Are they against you seeing someone? If so why? It seems there is not enough info to go on, but my gut is that since you were married for 24 yrs they must be older and starting lives of their own. It would be a great example to them to see you start fresh and build a relationship with someone healthy. I hope that doesn't sound harsh in any way because it surely wasn't meant to be. The big question is how badly do you want to be in a relationship? Is it something you are ready for? How far away from the divorce process are you? I can tell you that most of my friends who have been through this found that it was about four years later that they were able to have their first, healthy lasting relationship. But on the other hand my mother has been married for 20 years to her rebound guy.

If you were married 24 years, I suspect your kids must be at least in their teens by now. In other words, old enough to understand that Mom's just as human as they are. You just have to create a very open dialog with them. Help them understand your feelings, about yourself and about dating. Once you start seeing someone, talk to them about it, tell them about him and especially play up his good points. They'll most likely get to the point where they want to interact with him, too. Just don't push spending time with him on your kids - If there's an activity you and your beau would like to share with them, gently suggest it, but let them tell you when they are ready for that. Bottom line is - take your children's feelings into consideration, but don't create a problem in your mind before there really is a problem. It sounds like you've been creating self- fulfilling prophecy!

Hi J., This is just up my alley! I started a support/networking group for single mom's that are business owners. I won't bore you with my entire story, but in 12 short months (in order of events), I started a business from scratch, my husband was laid off after 14 years, I kicked out my cheating husband, I turned 40, got divorced, I lost my house in a short sale, moved in with my mom and 2 young kids...all while trying to run a business and keep the kids full time. You get the picture. Long story short...DO NOT take the kids around your new man until you KNOW that you will be in a committed relationship with him. No matter WHAT the age of these kids, you don't want them getting used to someone being around and then it 'doesn't work out' and they have to emotionally deal with that also. Let me know if you ever want to chat or more info on my free group in the East Valley. Good luck...there are a lot of us out there who have and are dealing with this~ F. www.agentlady.com or ____@____.com

How old are your kids? It is your decision who you date, but they are your #1 priority, so make sure the guy is good enough for your kids. If they are teens, they have lives of their own, so you can concentrate on your relationship. It that guy gave you up so easy, he wasn't the right one (keep looking!) p.s. I have a very nice 36 yr old roommate who is single.

The best advice that I have heard is simply not to date until your kids are 18 or out of the house. To do so beforehand is to split your affections and invite division, strife, arguments, and multiple problems. Your kids can use all your love right now. When you're truly "single" again, you will have time and energy to devote to dating. I know this advice won't be popular, but I think it's sound advice.

J.,
You did not indicate how old your children are.
You deserve to be loved and to give love, that is in our nature. You need to do this for you. Do not let "children" be your reason to stay away from forming a loving bond with someone. I am sorry I can not help much.
Sharon

Hi J.,

I am recently divorced myself and I understand completely!!! I have 3 children myself and I meet someone that I worked with and we talked alot. He was so caring and understanding that all he ever told me was that I hope it works out the way you want it to!!! Anyway I am engaged to be married to the same man, it has almost been 2 years since we got together!! My children have a very hard time. My 7 year old feels very guilty for getting close to my fiance'. I have had her talk to a counselor recently and she is doing better. I introduced him to my children by having him meet us at the park and we all played frisbee and his son played with my kids and now his son is the long lost brother that my kids never had!!!! It will all work out and if you are scared maybe you need to find someone to talk to yourself. I went to a counselor and I decided that i needed a divorce, they realy opened my eyes and help me to see and understand. If you need any advice or someone that had been there please feel free to e-mail me. ____@____.com
Good Luck!!!

Your fears are absolutely valid. Dating after divorce with kids is so scary. What you have to remember is that this nice man cannot pay for mistakes that he had nothing to do with. If he accepts your children and is kind to them, that's all that matters. I made the same mistake. I was married not for 24 years but for a long time. I met a wonderful man and I waited 2 months before introducing him to my daughter. I did push him away but after counseling and a lot of journaling, I realized that he was a positive thing in my life and he made us happy. Maybe you can rekindle the relationship by simply saying, "I don't know how to do this, it's been so long and I'm scared". If he cares for you he will understand. And after 24 years you certainly deserve to be happy. good luck.