Anyone Work Full Time and Struggling Trying to Juggle Work and Family?

I have always worked full-time as a mother and felt guilty about not spending enough quality time, or time at all, with my son (now eight). Clearly having a baby (first, second, or third) is a very personal decision so it goes without saying that I'm just giving you my perspective.

What I would say about having another child is, giving your child a sibling is not an important enough reason to bring another child into the world. So many people say that and to me, it's just not valid. A child should be brought into the world when you (and your husband, since you have one) feel a gaping void in your family. It doesn't seem like that is the case. You are overwhelmed as it is with what you have (balancing work, house, family time), and you fully enjoy the one child you have without missing another one. All you feel with respect to another baby is guilt over your child not having a sibling. Guilt is not wanting another child. Your child gets companionship and the lessons she needs about getting along with other children from her daycare situation. You don't mention if she has cousins but if she does, perhaps having her get very close to them can also serve as siblings. You enjoy her and you do everything you do with her with joy. THAT is what parenthood is about; not being harried and stressed because you have a new baby and can't balance your toddler and infant.

As the children get older I'm told it does get easier so maybe that is when you will feel the void and want to have another baby. But until that moment comes (if it does) I would say your one child is the one you should enjoy and balance life with.

i know it is tough - and not to say i don't have my days where I'd like to throw in the towel. But I've recently hired a cleaner (i know its not an option for everyone) I have her come 2x month. It got to the point that the $65 2x month was worth it for me to have more sanity. It gives me more time to focus on my 2 boys and to actually get to other projects I need to get done. I've started getting up earlier in the Am so I can get atleast 1 chore done in the morning (dishes away, laundry). I found it very difficult the first few years after having each of my boys to get to a routine that could work. Also make sure to take time for yourself. I'm not perfect and my house certainly isn't. Get everyone involved - have your daughter be a helper when you want to focus on a chore - my kids love helping....it isn't always done the "right" way - but they feel included and it does allow me time to get some stuff done. Good luck

I'm sorry to hear that this struggle continues. I've often thought of writing a book about how to deal with this question, but I figured the younger women had figured it out better than I.

Anyway, in my experience the struggle doesn't really go away until your kids leave for college and then you're so sad you no longer have the struggle.

Here are constructive suggestions, in brief, as I am also a full time working mom. First, good job giving up the grocery shopping. Also, kudos for having your husband prepare dinner. Keep it up. Maybe you can also split other responsibilities like laundry, finding and organizing vacations, mowing the lawn etc.

Accept a messy house unless you can afford a house cleaner. You'll find friends that think your commitment to your family and work far outweigh your less than sterling housekeeping.

Consider working from home one day a week. Still send your daughter to day care, but you'll save on commute. You'll have to gauge how this is impacting your work or the perception of your work (Not always the same thing). Have your husband consider the same so he can do more that day, like drop off and pick up your daughter.

Now that I'm really trying to think of concrete things to do, I realize there really isn't much choice so what I'd like to say is really consider that you will never pass this way again and there is a lot of fun and life happening while you stress about missing it. I may be projecting here, but....try to get to a place where you spend less time worrying about your life so you can enjoy it more.

Finally, go for the second child if you and your husband want a second child. They'll be good for each other and, for me anyway, two was not much more difficult than one.

Best of luck. Maybe I need to write that book after all.
M.

Sofia,
Thanks for this question, and thanks to the other ladies for your great responses. Balancing work and children is indeed very hard. But for me, I wouldn't have it any other way (unless of course I won the $1m lottery!). I think you are doing the right thing by letting your husband help with the chores. Hiring cleaners can help a lot,too. As to the question about having a 2nd child, it sounds to me that you are probably not ready to have a 2nd one if what you are feeling is pressure and guilt. It's a decision that you and your husband need to make together and one in which you can plan ahead as to whether you think you would continue to work or have the option to stay home, or something in between. When I had my 2nd child (she is 11 months now), and went back to work, life got so much harder to balance. I struggle with it everyday. But, as long as I feel I put in my best effort both at work and with my kids and my husband, then that's the best I can do. I have heard that the 1st year after having your 2nd child is "very intense", but I really think for us it will be the fist 2 years. There are plenty of days where both my husband and I are exhausted and it's hard to find the energy to play with our kids. But, to see my 2 girls giggle together and hug each other, and to see their smiling faces when they wake up in the morning makes all of it so worth it. Good luck!

I don't know if it gets any easier ever. I sometimes say that time is like money - no matter how much you have, there's always just enough to make it work. If you're not ready to have another baby yet then you're not ready. Your daughter will be fine whether or not she ever has a sibling. I felt that way when my daughter was just about 18 months - I knew I wanted more kids but just wasn't ready. even though all of my friends were gearing up for #2. Then I thought that I was pregnant (I wasn't) and all of a sudden I was ready to try again. It was like a switch flipped one day. Maybe it won't be that way for you, but we now have two about 2.5 years apart. I often feel like I manage to do everything, but am doing a crappy job of all of it (work, the kids, the house, my husband, the dogs, etc). At the same time, sometimes we're out playing in the backyard and I look around and I think "this is exactly what I thought my life would be like." I guess that this isn't really advice so much as empathy. No one can do any of this life stuff perfectly, you make the best decisions for you and know that if you love your kids it will work out as best it can. Good luck.

I also had a full-time job (which I was lucky enough to be able to do partly from home) until I had my second child (now 8 months). I decided to go part-time (from home) and give up extra responsibility in a job I loved because there just wasn't time in the day for everything. I know this isn't an option (or possibly a desire) for everyone -- not all employers are so flexible. Still, I have to say that even though I loved my full-time job, I am so much happier now that my life is not so crazy, and I feel that I am doing the best thing for my kids.

So I guess my advice is it try to cut something out. Maybe for you it isn't going to be the job, but you have to find something. Otherwise, I don't think the juggling will get any easier.

I would also say that it never seems like a good time to have a second. Both my kids were unplanned (although we did plan to have kids at some point), and I think if it had been up to me to pick the "perfect" time, I might never have had them! Once the second one is on the way, you'll figure out what adjustments you need to make so it will work. Good luck!

hello Sofia,
My husband and I are full-time working parents of twin girls who will be 3 in September. I can totally relate to you on having a job that you enjoy and get paid really well and the guilt of not staying home with your child. I also hate having my house out of order and in some ways I admit to be a control freak too. My husband and I have figured out a way that really works for our family and I will share that with you. The key is to be really organized and plan as much as possible. We set down and wrote all the chores that need to get done (cooking, shopping, laundry, cleaning, bathing the kids….) and all of the things we enjoy and would like to do during the day (spend time with the kids, spend time together as a couple, watch a movie, etc). We took that list and we each choose the chores we were going to do and with the time we had left in the day, we fit in the fun stuff. We get home from work and everything gets done very quickly because we know exactly what needs to get done and who does what.
For an example, when we get home from work, my husband cooks dinner and I play with my girls. We pick up the house together and sometimes I start laundry with them and we set the table together. They are in an age where they want to help and I let them help as much as they want. I let them separate the dark and light laundry, then they help me put the clothes in the machine. They really enjoy helping out. We have dinner by 6PM. After dinner my husband cleans the kitchen and I bath the kids. Then he showers and takes over with the girls so I can shower. By 7pm my whole house is clean and everyone has showered and is ready for bed. We talk about what we will do tomorrow and help the girls pick out the outfit they want to wear the next day. Then we read and spend time with them until 8pm and that is when they go to bed. After 8PM my husband and I can spend some time together kids free. In the morning, we get up and get ourselves ready. Then my husband goes make breakfast and I get the kids ready, which is really easy because we talked the night before, they picked out their clothes the night before and they have a routine.
We get to eat breakfast together and by the time we leave the house, everything is clean. In order to make this work, my husband and I have to be in complete agreement on who does what and what we expect of each other. Also, we pay a house cleaner every other week, that way we just need to keep up and she does the heavy cleaning. The time I would have spent cleaning the bathrooms during the weekend, I spend at the park with my kids.
Hope this helps and good luck!
M.