Seeking Advice from Other Wahm's

Hi S.,

Boy can I relate! I'm a 38-yr-old WAHM with 6 boys from 15 yrs to 4 mos old. I teach online for a University based in PHX. Depending on whether I have 2 classes or 1 each session and class sizes, I spend about 15-20 hrs each week working on the computer... sometimes more. I have older kids who are in school, and a 3&1/2 yr old and a 4 mo old. My 3 yr old goes to a wonderful daycare/preschool program 3 days per week (9:00-2:30). He loves it there, and it has been really good for both of us. Before the youngest was born, the time he was in school was really productive time for me - I got most of my grading done then and even had time to exercise and meet friends for lunch occasionally.

Since the youngest arrived, however, it's been a new game! Now I find myself trying to grade papers during the few catnaps my little one takes, and I seem to spend most of the time the 3 yr old is at school nursing or taking care of other urgent business (paying bills, grocery shopping, etc).

I'm working on training the older kids to clean house - they are in charge of dishes, sweeping up after meals, cleaning their rooms/bathrms, and the oldest boys even do laundry. But, they are all boys, and a teen/pre-teen boy's idea of clean is hardly up to my standards!

I'm not sure how helpful this is! I guess I would say that if you have an opportunity to have a few days each week with time to yourself, it would probably help. Until I had an infant in the mix, it did really help me. Especially if it's a situation with a caregiver that you trust and like. And BTW - my 3-yr-old is extremely resistant to change. The transition into school was tough, but once he got used to it, he really enjoyed it a lot.

Good luck!
-S.

I am not a WAHM so I do ot fully understand all the stress that entails, but I do work night shift weekends. I work Friday, Saturday and Sunday night and then would come home Monday morning and take care of a one year old on no sleep. Needless to say it wasn't working out. I finally gave in and started sending my son to a babysitter on Monday and it was the best thing I could have done for myself and my son. I knew he wasn't getting the best care on Monday because I was exhausted and very cranky. I found a family friend whom I trust to watch my son and began taking him to her house a few weeks in advance so that he could get to know her and become familiar with her house. I brought some of his toys over and would stand back and let him interact with his babysitter without much interference. My son is very much a mama's boy, so my husband drops him off at the babysitter. I make it a point to not let him see me Monday morning if I get home before my husband leaves. He has done really well. Now I have time to sleep and get a few things done before going to pick him up and he slowly gets used to not always be around mommy. If I were you I would give it a try. It never hurts to try and who knows, it might be just what you need.

S. R.

Hi S.- I have two step kids (7 and 9) that live with us 90% of the time and one daughter who is 2. I also work from home for my husbands business. I barely work, but have a ton of work to do. My house is so cluttered with toys and such and everytime I sit down to work, my 2 year old makes a huge mess or gets into "trouble." I hear your cry and am on the same boat with you. She has never been away from me and I can't imagine putting her in a daycare. This is what I am trying to do. I am trying to get up 2 hours before her every day. I also work at nap time and a couple nights a week. Maybe a schedule like that can help you too. I am also working on designating a schedule for housework so I do a little each day. Good luck.

Ack! I am a WAHM as well, but thankfully my job allows me to just have my son with me (I teach preschool) so I am able to find an easier balance. I think there are probably a few things you could try that might help:

1. Let yourself off the hook...it is okay and you can't possibly be everything to everybody. Pick the things that are the most important and focus on those. If extra things get done, it's considered a bonus!

2. If you can swing it, I would try hiring someone to clean a couple of times a month. There are a ton of people looking for work and it would be one less thing that you need to worry about. Your kids can help out with the day to day clean up.

3. You could try day care. You could also try a part-time preschool program. Something like the one I run is a few hours in the morning a few days a week. It is a good chance to have a little separation in preparation for school and it would give you a little break, even if you still have one at home. You could also try a mother's help for a couple of hours a few days a week in the afternoon. You could find a teenager that you like and that relates well with your kids that would be able to come over a few days a week to play with your kids. It would be less expensive than day care and would give you a little bit of time to do things you need to do.

4. As far as the overweight thing, that is sooo hard. I don't even have the excuses that you do and I still fall into that trap. You could invest in a good stroller for both kids and walk/jog outside. If money allows, the best option is to choose a gym that offers free daycare. That not only gets you the exercise, but also some alone time. You could also try something like a Weight Watchers, which would give you an excuse to go out 1 night a week child-free, even if it is only for an hour and it is to weigh-in and listen to other stories. Sometimes you have to take what you can get :). I relish in going to the grocery store by myself. Haha.

I hope some of this helps. There is nothing worse than feeling totally overwhelmed. Are you in AZ? If so, which part? Good luck with everything!

S.--

Seemed like such a great idea when I began working from home, right? WRONG! Just like you I found myself overwhelmed. I had terrible luck with in-home sitters (and my son - almost 2 at the time- would NOT have anything to do with care away from home! He would just cry and cry until I returned - hours sometimes!) My heart goes out to you and all other work from home moms!!!!

Shortly after my son turned 2, and I nearly lost my sanity (the little I had left), I began "hiring" middle-school aged girls to come to the house and play with Sebastian for a few hours (9-12). (It was summer time and school was out). I found the middle-school aged children to be the perfect fit. They didn't have the commitments or interests that older children have and actually wanted (and appreciated) the money/work. Also, as they were younger and less experienced, I could pay them a "reasonable" amount and not go broke having a sitter every morning. I think they were still young enough, as well, to really play with my son. Also, most cities offer a CPR class and a baby sitting class (both of which are great and can be taken by middle-school aged children). *Transportation was the only real issue, since they can't drive yet.

Sebastian had a struggle the first 10-15 minutes each morning, but adjusted after that. I did, however, have to "pretend" to leave and then run to my office and hide so he didn't think I was home. I felt better knowing that if anything did happen, I was right there - and when they played outside I could hear his laughs and cries. That arrangement worked great! until summer ended. At that point I bit the bullet and took him to an at-home sitter 9-12 M-F. I was able to concentrate on work (or house work or relaxing or whatever needed to be done) and it TRULY was a relief!! I wished I had done it sooner. He adjusted - just as all kids seem to, I think - to the sitter and soon enough the new battle was enticing him to leave the sitter's house and come back home.

I do, still work from home...but don't perform the time-demanding work that I did when Sebastian was younger. He is 3 now, and I can remember like it was yesterday the struggles of having a demanding job from home... and the tears! I wish you the best of luck and hope something works out for you.

*Another idea is to advertise at the local university and community college, etc. for an at-home sitter. Their schedules are sometimes flexible. I did this, but didn't have much luck with commitment -as I couldn't afford a high hourly wage,-but perhaps you would have more luck.

Hi S., I have eleven living children but am a SAHM. My counsel is to keep the food in the kitchen, regular mealtimes w/ simple but nutritional foods (ie lots of finger foods) and the rest will all wait for you. Always be cleaning while on the phone (ie sweeping the floor, picking up, dusting etc - possibly even filing but maybe not if you "forget" where things go.) Good luck. Your children will soon be in school and that will allow you more time for work at home. Right now they need to be first priority. However, I found I was a better mother when I had a "time out" from my children once in a while.

I'm a WAHM too, well sort of...I'm a social worker. My office is at home but I do home visits. I have almost always had this kind of a job. My children are 11 and 2 now. I have always taken advantage of nap times. I set aside an hour or two in the morning for household chores, which my daughter "helps" me with and playtime with her, then its mommy's work time. We have special quiet toys she plays with, usually beside me or near me when I'm working. I've been known to attend meetings by phone at ball practice. I do alot of double duty type things. I watch the Food Network to get ideas about meals that the left overs can be made into something else. I have put my child into child care with at a friend's house a few times so that I can have some quiet time to get important projects done or just to have a quiet day. Don't feel guilty about needing such things. Our kids need socialization just as much as we do!

I struggle with this same concern every day and I only have one child right now!
I am a WFHM to Sofia who is almost 10 months. since I'm home, I feel like I should also have dinner ready when my husband gets home and the house should be clean/ laundry done. so when that doesn't happen, I feel like a big loser :0( I'm trying to get over that. so sometimes I ask him to bring dinner home.
plus, when to work in the home office?! if I bring Sofia in with me, she literally eats my papers! so I usually wait until my husband gets home and then I hand her over and "hide" in the office. I try to have at least one "power hour" a day... that's when you hunker down and see how much you can get done in that one hour.
oftentimes, however, I find myself working after everyone has gone to bed. but this is not practical for making phone calls since everyone else is in bed too! lol so, I've learned to make calls when she naps.
is your partner able to help out? I wouldn't be able to run my business at all without my husband's support.
keep your head up! :0)

Hi S.,

putting the kids in care did not work for me. I am a stay at home mom and I work from home as well actually about 40/50 hours per week with 2 boys ages 2 and 9 months. I feel your pain, my youngest doesnt adjust well to others at all and I streggled with putting the boys in part time care. I did put my oldest in care for about 6 mos I thought it was wor king fine but over christmas break when I took him out of care I saw that I was getting the same amount of work done having him home as I was when he was in care. All in all it is up to you, you HAVE to do whatever you NEED to keep sane.

After much prayer and stressful days here is what works for me. My business allows me to work whenever, so I work in the wee hours of the AM 4-7, when they go down for a nap from 12-2 and I get in about an hour when they are down for the night. We get out for activities on set days during the week which allows for house work the other week days. My husband and I have a deal where I work on Saturday mornings...and somewhere in there I get one morning every other week for ME LOL...I know this is alot but it's what works for me..A schedule helps the whole family they and I know what to expect oh yeah one other thing ***What ever you are doing at that particular moment devote to it 100% if you are playing with the kids and your business line rings let it go to voicemail and when you are working and the kids are ok devote that moment to work...you are only one person and cannot be split every which way****

By the way I to create my business so I could be with my kids during the day, putting them in care seemed to go against the purpose...

OK that was a lot but I go through this dilemma all the time we Work at Home (WAH) Stay AT Home (SAH) moms often feel that there is not enough of us to go around...

Best of luck!!!
C.

You are a wonder! I can't imagine doing all that you are doing and still remaining sane. Day care sounds good to me especially for your son even if it is just a couple f days a week. All children need some time away from MOM before they start school. You all need a break.

Clean the house a bit ever day. The 4yr girl should be learning to help MOM and even your boy can do some things. Make it fun and they'll look at it as a game. Remember to praise every little "help".

I am a WAHM with two kids - My son is five and my daughter is five months. We have a very set routine - I take my son to preschool in the morning, and then my husband picks him up about and gets home about fifteen minutes before mommy is done working. I manage to get a meal in the oven and feed my daughter during "work hours"; got very good at typing with one hand. The house is a disaster - hoping to get a cleaning service in at least once a month to help out. I figure that if I was in the office, I would need that plus daycare for two kids so it more than justifies the cost. Good luck!

If you feel okay about the daycare thing, then give it a try. You can always change your mind. Have you considered having a cleaning service come in once a week or every two? It may be worth it. If anything, it will free your mind from the clutter of feeling guilty about not cleaning. I completely understand. I have been juggling two homeschooled kids, a baby and a business for the past 8 months. My house is in need of a wrecking ball, lol.
When my other two children were younger, I was able to find a wonderful caregiver to come in for about four to five hours a day while I worked. It was nice to have a few kid free hours and I felt more accomplished at work. The kids enjoyed themselves too because they got to play a lot with this person whose only duty was to see that they were having fun.

I have a 4 1/2 yr old daughter and a 2 yr old son. I used to take them into the office with me, but it would take me two or three times longer to get work done. I now have my own buiness at home and am working a full time job (55+ hrs) and have both kids at home. My daughter is good (for the most part) about picking up rooms, and she does some vacuuming. One great help I have recently found is that they will play outside for an hour or so by themselves - giving me time to clean and supervise. The other thing that has helped is my husband has started to run the dish washer every night - but i'll run a load during breakfast also.

Definately take advantage of day care. Not only does it help you with concentration time, but it also helps the kids with separation anxiety - BEFORE it's time for public school!

Good luck.

Hi S.,

I completely understand. I am a WAHM with a 4 year old & 8 month old. Fortunately my 4 year old is at pre-school in the mornings (though I wish it was all day - just too expensive where he is). I have been taking care of my 8 month old son and have been desperately looking for good daycare for him. My mother-in-law will some times take him for a couple of days during the week and when she does it is a wonder the amount I can accomplish. I work 50+ hours, take care of the boys and also am somewhat like a 1940's wife except I have a full-time job on top of my "wifey" duties (i.e., cook, clean, etc.). My husband was raised in an environment where the woman does everything while the man rests after a long day at work - believe me that's yet another struggle I have to change that behavior!! Anyway, I would look into daycare even if it is part time - the time you will get for yourself will do wonders and it will allow you to catch your breath! Usually we put the kids first, but sometimes you have to take care of YOU! :) You're not alone in this :)

This is a tough situation and mine is somewhat similar. My job is probably a lot more flexible than yours so I probably don't know exactly what you're going through. One thing I will encourage you to do: take care of your health first. You mentioned being overweight (and probably inactive?). I know it sounds IMPOSSIBLE, but you need to take time for yourself to exercise. Not only will you feel better (and along with a healthy diet, lose weight), but it will give you more energy and a more positive outlook. I know, easier said than done, but I'm in a similar situation. I'm home with my 2 small kids, work 10-15 hours a week at home and my health is usually the last thing on the list. I'm trying to change that and am realizing that there are ways to do it without paying for a gym membership, waking up at 5am or getting childcare so I can go exercise. Find some good workout videos or get into a routine with strenth training on a stability ball. You could do this "along" with your kids (hard, I know) or set aside just 20-30 minutes a day when your kids are watching a video or having "quiet/nap time" in their rooms. Yes, children have lots of needs, but one thing they also need is a healthy mom (emotional health and physical health). If you don't take care of yourself, you have some resentments as time goes on (kids, spouse, work, etc.). I know this must sound like some kind of infomercial, but I am amazed at what a healthy diet, a good supplement and drinking lots of water can do for my body and my outlook on life. And that is quite a struggle too, believe me, but the good days come more and more. God's Blessings on your "journey" of balancing work and home!