Am I a Bad Mother? Some Words of Wisdom PLEASE!

Continue doing what you did - walk away for a moment if you can. My place of solace when I'm stressed, kids are cranky tired and I need a break is the bathroom for a breather, then I can come back without the tension and deal with the issue. Don't feel guilty, go hug them and let them know you're sorry for yelling :-))

Hi Mama,

First, take a moment and breath. It's ok to make a mistake. The important part is to realize the mistake and fix it

First, tell your children you're sorry. Not only will you feel better, but you will teach your children everyone makes mistakes and that to fix those mistakes your own-up to them.

Next, learn to take time outs. I do not use typical time outs when I work with kids nor to I recommend them to the parents I work with as a Parent Coach. I only use time outs when I or the child is out of control, and then it's more of a system of collecting yourself. For me, I'd walk away, sit and breath. For the child, I have them go to a different area, (a change does wonders), and have them clam down. When the child or myself feels in control, we all come back & talk.

Teaching your children to recognize their anger cues is important for proper development. You can do this by modeling the behavior, "Mommy feels overwhelmed, I'm going to calm down now." or providing them the words the do not have, "You're hungry and tired after a long day, but hitting Mommy isn't ok. Do need to go calm down for a moment or do you need a hug?"

I hope this helps. Forgiving yourself for errors is huge, it's ok to lose it once in a while.

R. Magby

You have had a tough day, and everything you described is a normal reaction. I also grew up with a mother who yelled at us all of the time, and I am constantly promising myself to never be like that, infact, it's almost like I am afraid to be like that. I have a four year old and a two year old, and I've been slapped by my two year old also! It happens. I sometimes feel myself getting angry, so I often just walk away (bathroom break!) and give myself 10 seconds to breathe and think about a natural consequence. With hitting, I just grab his hand and rub it on my cheek, and say ," You need to use gentle love. Show mommy gentle love"...it works most of the time.
Ways that have helped me not to be like my mother include reading "Love and Logic" by Jim Faye, talking about it with my husband, and communicating to my kids if I feel angry or upset with any wrong behavior.
The BEST advice I can offer you is that you deserve a break! Join a group of friends or an exercise class, whatever, on a regular schedule, even for one hour one night a week. Moms deserve to get out and de-stress. It makes us better moms to our children. My mom never took a break, and I understand why she would get so impatient with us kids (five us us). You have been working very hard, so see if there is any way you could get a night to yourself on a regular basis.

Don't set yourself up for more than you can handle. Why do you think your boyfriend's sister isn't going to pay you? Was there an agreement up front or were you helping out because it's your boyfriend's sister and you don't want to disappoint either of them?

You don't sound like a bad mother, you sound like an "overwhelmed" human being who has been dealing with multiple challenges lately.

I doubt this is the first time your two year old has hurt you and I would suggest you start doing more than just "time outs" with this one while you are still able to be in control. The moment he exhibits any sort of physical harm towards you or anyone else, pick him up, restrain his arms and legs, hold him away from you if he's trying to bite and put him in his crib (room if he is in a junior bed), until he's is calm enough to join the rest of you.

If you are unable to cope with your own children, let your boy friend's sister know you won't be available to take care of her children any longer.

As for the yelling, I don't like yelling either, didn't like it when I was a child (it scared me), and I don't like it as an adult (it either upsets me, makes me angry or both)...Still no matter how hard we try as parents not to yell or lose our tempers, it’s going to happen from time to time, so give yourself a break and, I repeat don't take on more than you can handle.

Blessings.....

You poor thing! That sounds completely overwhelming. I'm sure a lot of people would have gotten to their breaking point much faster than you.

Here's a few things I've read that helped me:
Model appropriate anger (I know someone else said this) - you can say, "Mommy is really upset with you right now so I am going to stomp my feet on the floor" or walk around the room really fast or jump up and down, anything that you would be ok with your kids doing. Everyone gets angry sometimes and you can show your kids an ok way to let it out.

Also, don't blame yourself too much or apologize profusely. I read some great advice that says that when you make a mistake you should apologize to the child, but not to go on and on about how sorry you are, that you are a bad mommy, etc. because they say that is actually scarier for the child. They can accept that you made a mistake, but when you go on and on about how sorry you are, it makes them feel insecure. They want to feel safe with mommy and feel like they understand you. If you go on and on about not being good to them, it makes them more uneasy. Just get back to normal as quickly as you can.

Lower your expectations. If there is anything you can let go or lower your standards on like cleaning just for right now, do it! I have to tell myself sometimes that nothing terrible is going to happen if I don't vacuum twice a week. We can eat sandwiches one night instead of a hot cooked meal. Whatever responsibilities you can take off yourself is great. Sometimes I make a deal with my husband that he'll take the kiddo somewhere when he comes home and I can "power clean" the house. It's not the same as a break, but sometimes just having a little time to myself to actually get some things done without constantly having a little person attached to me feels good.

You've got some great advice from other moms. Hang in there and try to get over feeling guilty because that doesn't help anybody, especially you!

Get someone to help you, and take a breather for yourself. Maybe just go to the bookstore (usually quiet) grab coffee and browse some books, pics ect. I do this when I feel stressed, granted someone can help watch the kids...or just go to bed a little early if possible with a magazine (sept. fall fashion anyone??) It will pass, and try not to take on too much, your kids come first...we all snap at them, and if anyone tells ya different they are lying!

You are not a bad mother, you are a stressed out, overworked mother. BEEN THERE at least 90% of my days its seems. Its even WORSE when Its my time of the month - so annoying b/c theres no control over that. After my "freak out" moments, which I am trying to lessen by stress relief techniques, I try not to beat myself up and figure out how I can DO BETTER. First realize that the whole situation you described above was due to stress and due to you and your children feeding off eacho thers negativity...my hsuband says that a lot ot me and it makes me want to scream even more, but he is right...when I am freaking out, my son freaks out more...but I have to stop, walk away, take a breath, count to 100 (b/c ten is sooooo not enough) and realize, HE CAN'T CONTROL HIMSELF, BUT I CAN...in the heat of the momentS, its is soooo not easy, so when I am NOT in those moments, in when I try to focus on my own stress relief so I don't get to a point of being completely overwhelmed, frustrated, tired. Its not easy and some days clearly are worse than others. YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM! You (and I) just need to be more clear headed and focus on techniques to control ourselves and our situations and when we can't control them we need to just step back and wait until is passes. We all know the stress relief techniques...deep breathing, mommy time outs, counting, etc...exercise, sleep, healthy diet, balance....regroup today and pick a couple of those to focus on...give your children lots of extra hugs and attention today and move on!

Take a deep breath and exhale do that a few times RIGHT NOW! you are NOT a bad mother! we all have days like this.sometimes they are few and far inbetween and sometimes they run close together. now step 1. sit down calmly with the your boyfriends sister and explain that while you don't mind helping her out, your time is valuable and you need some kind of monetary compensation. if she can't afford it then you may just have to back away from that situation as nicely as you can. she would have to pay for daycare or a babysitter off the street so why not pay you? she's not working for free at her job so she needs to get it together. second, do not let that baby hit you! if you son't put a stop to that now you will have a problem later on with that. the longer you let it go on the bigger he will get and continue to do it. next time he does that, POP HIS HAND and tell him no and he better not do it agian and then put him in time out. he must have that respect for you and know his boundries when it comes to hitting mommy. and key thing i had to learn with my son( he is a cry baby and a tattletale) is you have to pick your battles. you have to learn to ignore somethings. because your kids can push you to the limit.when you are trying to cook or clean and they are right up under with all that crying and YOU KNOW nothing is wrong you have to redirect them somewhere else. i tell my son o.k. you like to vacuum so go vacuum your room or go color and then we can eat or play or whatever the case may be. you an't give your kids 100% attention ALL THE TIME, it;s not humanly possible. we all feel bad about it sometimes but we can only try our best and maybe try again next time. so ireally hope that you know you are not a bad mother you just had a stressful day. believe me i know some bad mothers and what you described is not that. so good luck and you are in my prayers.

p.s. i read everyone else's response and they all gave great advice.

Boy it sounds like you need a vacation! No you're not a bad mom, you are human and need a break! Where is your boyfriend and also his sister to bail YOU out when you need it? IT sounds like it's a one-way street for you. Stand up and let others around you know that you need help too. Parenting is the most important job we have to do. THe way we react to our kids does impact on how they see themselves through their lives. If boyfriend doesn't help maybe it's time to find one who does. You need support and nurturing yourself so see that you get it.

There WILL be days like that. All you can do is your best. Just get in the habit of "not screaming" as I know with my son, it only escalates things and makes them worse. (Except for a miniscule tad of release for the screamer.) I think it's great that you KNOW you don't want to be a screamer like your mom was--and that's half the battle. Hang in there. We all have those days and anyone who tells you they don't is a liar!

You are overwhelmed, it happens to ALL of us! Don't add this incident to your stress level, but do learn from it. Know that you have the potential to scream and "give yourself a timeout" first next time - just tell the kids to sit where they are (in as controlled a manner as you can speak it) and step out of the room or take a few steps back and count to 10 or whatever gives you that added space to regain control of yourself.

If you don't think you are going to get paid, tell your boyfriend's sister you can't watch the girls anymore, you just have to much on your plate right now, but would be happy to help her again later when things get back under control. (Even if she is paying you, you may want to consider this just to regain some sanity).

When everything is going well, kids can be incredibly stressful, when you have any added stressor, it makes things significantly harder. Do not beat yourself up, you are a good mom who has a LOT on her plate. Things will get better!

1st you are nto a bad mother, we all reach that point at some time or another. It seems to me you need a break, maybe your boyfriends sister could watch your kids so you could have a little you time. I would apologize to the 5 year old and just explain that you didnt mean it and that you are just really tired, like when he gets tired and gets cranky. You are taking on a lot and you have a lot of stuff to deal with. Until that settles down you need to be sure to give yourself a break and take a little tie for yourself (even if its only 30 min). ((hugs))

Hang in there. You are doing fine. We ALL have days like this. Its good to know that you realized what is happening here. You are stressed out like most of us at least you step away and took the time to take a breath. I know its easy for me to say, but don't stress about the money. Your family has a roof over there heads, food on the table and cloths on there backs. I learned a long time ago everything will just have to wait and I live a better life this way. I would get sick with head aches and for what. My family is all I ever wanted so what am i worrying about. Just think its only a few weeks and you will be back to your old schedule again. :)

You are not a bad mother. We all have days like this. Just you acknowledging that you were out of line shows how much you love your children.

The fact that you stepped outside to cry is actually great. You basically gave yourself a time out to calm down so that you didn't yell or lose your cool. That is really amazing.

In terms of your children hitting you, they need to know it is never right to hit ANYONE, in particular a parent. Time out is definitely the way to go but next time, don't coddle him. Put him in time out, ignore him and leave him there for at least 2 minutes from the time he becomes calm.

You're allowed to have stressed out days. You are having a hard time now. Don't beat yourself up. The fact that you walked out of the room takes a lot of strength.

you are human and you are overwhelmed. the fact that you stepped outside when you felt yourself losing control tells me that you are a good mom. we all have days like that and less than stellar moments. i often wish i could take back things i have had said, or at least the volume at which i say them! i dont think an apology once in a while is a bad thing, i just apologized tonite to my little guy, it just makes you human to them. (pizza or chicken nuggets once in a while isnt a bad thing either, i do cheerios for dinner when i am over the top) try hard to be proactive, avoid the things that you know will put you over the top and say no when you need to just like you did. as women, we often feel like we should be able to handle everything. and we usually can! but sometimes handling everything means that you arent being the best you can be at anything. we all have limits, one of the best things you can do for yourself and your kids is to know your limits and try to act accordingly. do something for yourself. and remember that this too shall pass :) i wish you all the best...