*Always* Really, Really Late for Stuff -Need Advice on How to Change!

People who are chronically late often have a tremendous fear of being stood up or being too early and having to wait for someone while they are all alone in a public place (bar, cafe, etc). Also, there is a fear that they will be too early and consequently have wasted time that they could have used accomplishing something else (darn! I left 15 minutes early and now have to wait when I could have left my house later and finished making the beds). Weird, right?

I got better when I had to be on time for work-related meetings and events and knew that being late would impact my career. Having two little children also helped in a way because although we were sometimes late, I also just slowed down and knew that I couldn't make up time by rushing into the car, speeding on the highway, or running up the stairs. Since my babies would force me to go slowly, I had to build in that time to my schedule and just accept that it now takes 30 minutes to get into the car.

I don't think you can change someone in this area though. You can point out that you understand she may be worried about having to wait in a public place. You can point out that it is a little hypocritical to expect others to wait when she doesn't want to wait and that it is a bit selfish. Ultimately, though, this change has to come from within.

I don't have tons of hints, but my best friend is also always late to things. What I started doing (yes it is sneaky), is telling her the wrong time. For instance, if the movie starts at 7:15, I would tell her that it started at 6:55. Inevitably, she would show up at 7:10, and we would be good to go! I know it is manipulative, but she never got upset about it. If it is something non-important I don't change the time, thus she never knows when it is the real time and when I am making it up. It has forced her to be "ready" earlier. Hope this helps and good luck!

Has she ever hosted a dinner and had a guest be late? my fil is 2 hrs late to my christmas eve every year and it drives me so crazy that I find a way to be on time for other people!

Send her to www.flylady.net

Also, she should get everything ready the night before. She should lay all her clothes out before bed. She should prepare anything she needs to bring and place it by the door on her "launch pad." Making a list would help her not to forget anything.

She should get in the habit of making routines for herself. A get ready for bed routine and a getting up in the morning routine. The flylady site will show her how to do it in babysteps.

Time management problems seem to stem from a lack of organization and not paying attention to the task at hand. I had a friend who was chronically late, she was 8 hours late once! She just couldn't focus on getting ready to go. She'd get sidetracked and start doing something else instead of getting ready. And I would call her and ask "where are you?" and she would honestly say "oh, is it really 3:00? I started reading this book and..."

The flylady has saved my life in many ways! And my daughter, who will dawdle ALL THE TIME is doing much better for having routines.

It won't be an overnight change, but it sounds like she's ready! She's ready to be a FlyBaby!

The military helped me through this. :) She just needs to plan ahead and get into a routine. She has to figure out how long it takes her to do certain things (such as shower, get dressed, do her hair, eat, etc.). Once she has that figured out, she just needs to plug the times in and it will really help her.

So say she knows she has an appointment at 9 a.m. If she knows it will take her 30 minutes to get there, she can't be trying to get ready to go at 8:30. She needs to be already doing that and ready to go out the door at 8:20. So she has to work backwards from 8:20. If it takes her 5 minutes to shower, 10 minutes to choose her outfit and get dressed (she could do this faster if she chooses her outfit the night before), 5 minutes to choose jewelry, 5 minutes for morning hygiene, 20 minutes for makeup & hair, and lets say 20 minutes for breakfast. Better add an extra 10 minutes in there in case of unexpected interruptions. So that's 75 min. She has to set her alarm no later than 7:05. If she's like me and takes a bit to wake up in the morning or keeps hitting the snooze button, she might need to set it even earlier.

See how that works? If she prepares ahead, keeps track of the time and knows how long it takes her to get to places, that will be a major help to her right there. While this doesn't always work for me (I've been known to procrastinate a little too long) the vast majority of the time I am on time. (My family was chronically late when I was growing up and I hated it.) I have to be on time because until very recently we didn't have a vehicle and I had to walk 2 miles round trip twice a day to pick my kids up from school. So I knew it took me 25 minutes (on a good day) to get to the school. So I also knew that I had to be getting my daughter(s) ready long before that with boots, coat, hat, blanket for the stroller, snack for the child(ren) I was snagging from school, project for myself (I was usually about 10 min early) to work on, etc. I have learned that planning ahead really does save time and you're much more prepared.

If it takes her awhile to get into her routine, have her write a list out to keep posted in a place easily seen so she can remind herself what her time frame is. That in itself will really help. It will be a lot of hard work, but she can do it. :)

She could try setting all clocks forward a little! Or maybe explain to her how to plan things out. When I know my family has to be somewhere at 2:00pm I go backwards in my head scheduling everything. For example, leave house by one, kids ready by 12:30, everyone getting ready by ten, out of bed at nine. I always round up on time so I know I have enough and I always put in about 30 mins of loading kids, diaper bags, etc in the car. I grew up in a house where everyone was always late and nothing was planned so I go to the extreme to plan every outting. My husband who never had an issue with being late always thinks oh we just need an hour to get ready and in the car! way off! Kids take a lot of time!! lol

She might want to be evaluated for ADHD, it's not just a kid problem.

To keep her issues from affecting you, there are two ways to go. You could be proactive and call her to say, "just a reminder that you should leave in 5 min if you want to be on time for our lunch date.". Then call back in 5, did you leave yet?
The other option is to not count on her being anywhere she says she will. I had to "let go" of one friend this way. Instead of setting a time to meet for a playdate I would just say we will be at the park from 2:00 to 5:00 if you want to meet us there.

I never give myself enough time, and usually am always late. It really is a chronic problem. I always think I can be ready and out the door in less time than I actually can. So I've started adding about a half hour's time to what I estimate it will take me. So if I think I'll only take and hour to get ready, I try to allow myself an hour and a half. It helps most of the time but really I think always being late is a chronic disease or a condition, they should have a medical term for it and a support group like Late people's anonymous! Lol

I find that the two biggest things that make me late are:

1) Underestimating how long it will take me to get ready, and
2) Thinking I have "just enough time" to do a quick chore, look at the computer (a big time-waster for me!), newspaper, etc.

I've learned to figure out how much time it REALLY takes me to get ready and out the door, decide on what time I need to be leaving (which means giving myself ample time to get to where I'm going, not just the bare minimum it takes to rush from point A to point B), and then count back from there to figure out what time I HAVE to start getting ready. The key is knowing EVERYTHING that has to be done for you to be "ready". "Ready" means shoes on, keys and purse in hand, etc, not needing another few minutes to put on shoes, find purse and so forth. Also, unless you have it worked into your routine, getting side-tracked by laundry/dishes/computer/interesting newspaper story isn't allowed!

I've found that when getting my son ready for school in the morning (and myself to take him), having a firm time for when we MUST be putting on shoes really helps both of us. It erases those few minutes that get added on trying to find shoes, etc, when we should really already be out the door. It's like, everything else stops, and now we have five minutes to prepare ourselves to leave.

Also, I've had to learn to be very realistic about how long it takes me to get ready. I move SLOWLY in the morning, so even though I wish I could take a shower, wash my hair, blow-dry and "style" it, and get dressed in half an hour, it takes me longer and I have to set the alarm to accommodate that. Also have to set the alarm to accommodate the snooze button!

I also do the setting the clocks ahead thing, and even though some people say it doesn't help because they know they're set ahead, I've found that there is a sort of "gut" reaction to seeing a certain time on the clock, even when you know it's set fast, especially in the morning when I'm still half asleep. Also, if you have more than one clock in the house/car set ahead at different increments of time, it's hard to remember exactly how far ahead each one is! May not work for everyone, but it works for me.

PC: for people that make a choice to be late all the time they pay the priceof loosing respect of others. With 5 children it was easy to be late for everything and I hated it so we fixed this by setting the clocks ahead by 15 mins and just getting used to it-- now 30 yearslater we are still doing it and have learned that to show respect we can be on time or even be minuets early but allow for traffic or the need to get lat minuet gas.
I have a friend that we used to lie to and give her a different time to be some place just to get her thee on time but we got tired of it and just stopped inviting her so somethings and let her be sad for the things she missed out on like the blessing of a baby cuz the church wasn't going to wait on her.

Haven't seen this one yet so I'll offer it - what's your friend's life like? Anxiety medication might help. I have had a serious late problem all my life, as did my father. I've done it all, 3 alarm clocks, pick out clothes in advance, make meals in advance, set the clock ahead, allow way more time than necessary, sleep dressed. I have recurring nightmares about being late. The thing is I have also always had way too many responsibilities, even as a child, and I'm somewhat OCD so things are always swimming through my head and I start doing other things, thinking I can get this done, I can get this laundry started, I can unload the dishwasher, I can make this one little change in the presentation, I can call and make this dr. appointment... so it can be a focus problem. Anxiety medication changed the way I focus on things, it helped a lot.

People who are late usually dont have any respect for peoples time. I was a chronic tardy myself until recently. It has to be a decision she makes to get on a schedule and plan. There is something about rushing around, telling our tales of traffic, forget this, blah blah blah that has us believe we are soooo busy, and yet so productive...ah! Its really hard to change this habit but its so freeing once you do. I ran late Sunday and it bothered me so much where as before I wouldnt have cared less. Specific tip: If I have a lot going on, I write down everything I MUST get done the following day and then things Id LIKE to get done, then organize them by distance (plan my route) I start 1 1/2 hrs before I need to head out so I dont rush! 6 most important things to do list works wonders at bedtime, you sleep better and start your day with ease.

i appreciate that your friend says she wants to change, but sometimes to those of us who are on time to things, it IS really frustrating. because it's a responsibility thing, it's a respect for others thing. i would suggest a couple things like others have mentioned 1. set her clocks 10 minutes fast. 2. start getting ready earlier. get up an hour earlier if need be. honestly i wonder how much she really "wants" to change, because to me, if she did, she'd just do it. it's not hard to figure out, and eventually it will become habit for her. i have employees with this issue as well. i can never figure out why they wouldn't just set their dang alarms fifteen minutes earlier, if they have such a hard time getting to work without being 5 or 10 minutes late. why risk it? do what you have to do to get there on time. it's not rocket science...

Prepare, prepare, prepare! She needs to start getting her things ready to go the night before. Packing up lunches, purses, diaper bags, or whatever. Get them in the car if necessary. Set her alarm earlier. And she probably needs to learn how to get focused and not get sidetracked in to other activities (happens to me all the time!). Lay out clothes the night before helps too.

A note about the clock setting thing. Yeah you know you set them ahead, so then it's okay to hit the snooze (which you will do anyway with the clocks set to the normal time). So then you will get up when you should instead of getting up late.

My stepsister was like this so over the years we learned to do a few things:
*set her clock ahead 30 mins or tell her to do it.
*you tell her you leave the house to be to an engagement on time wether your mascara is finished being applied or now
*you lie to her and tell her the party starts at 2pm when it starts at 3pm

I've never understood the concept of setting the clocks ahead. You know you did it so you're just going to laugh at the clock and know it's early and be late for whatever anyway. If someone else sneaks and sets them, how long will it take you to realize all the tv shows are off by a few minutes and news on the radio is off, and the announcers are wrong. I think I'm slightly more intelligent than that and I'm pretty sure most of the rest of you are too. I am nearly never late unless someone else is late getting to me so that I may leave to go where I need. I plan ahead. I watch the clock. I know what time I want to be out of the house and it is always at least 15 minutes before I need to be on the road. If I have a Dr appt across town and it will take me 10 minutes driving, I leave the house 30 minutes before the appt time. It gives me plenty of time to get there, be stopped by construction or hit every red light in town. I have time to park and get into the building, sit and relax a few minutes before they call me in. I am rewarded often by being called in a bit earlier since someone else is late, and I'm done and out of there before my appt time. Which means I have more time for other things I want to do. I think it's pretty selfish of someone to always be late. As if their time is more important than anyone elses. I wouldn't wait around for your friend if she is late. If enough people stop waiting for her, and make other arrangements to go places on their own, and leave her behind enough times she will shape up. It will help to call and remind her 1 hour before, that she needs to be somewhere and to give her the suggestion of what time she needs to be out the door, in her car, on the way. Maybe she will catch on. And be sure to let her know that you won't wait past a certain time so if she isn't where you need her to be, be gone when she gets there.

I keep the clock in my car 11 minutes fast. That way once I'm out I am more likely to be on time.
She needs a check list for leaving the house. And she has to know how much time it takes her to get ready. I start getting ready about 40 minutes before I have to leave.
She must figure out how long her drive to the destination will be.

I find that for me, I have to seriously think about what time I have to be driving away. Then, I add about a 15 minute buffer to that because we never get out of the house on time otherwise. It helps tremendously. Also, I find that the drive to wherever is way less stressful, which means it is safer as I am not distracted by feeling overwhelmed at being late. It is more peaceful. HTH

Sometimes when I am late places, it's because I underestimated how long it would take to get ready and that makes me a few minutes late, or some last minute thing happened as I was walking out the door such as smelling a poopy diaper when you just changed it 10 mins ago. Not so sure much can be done about things like this, but. If someone is constantly late then you just need to start w/o them.

My mother and brother would be sometimes two or three hours late to family functions and we would sit around and wait, and wait, and wait, until finally we all got tired of waiting and said, hell w/ it, we're starting on time. My mother now shows up usually no more than 15 mins late. My brother I think is down to 1 1/2-2 hrs late instead of three.

I honestly think people being extremely late like this is all about controll and selfishness. If you are late somewhere, then the party can't begin w/o you, so you have control.

I think you need to identify why she's always late. Because she forgets something and needs to go back, because she doesn't like being early and having to wait on others, because it's the way she was brought up or part of her culture.

A few tips...
Set the clocks 10 minutes fast
Keep some extra supplies (a jacket, snack) in the car, so if you forget soemthing, you don't have to go back
Know traffic patterns in your area (sometimes I need to go into work for an early morning meeting, it takes me 10 minutes longer than usual because of the school traffic)
Keep a magazine or cross word in the car. If you're early, you'll have something to do while you're waiting and not feel like you're wasting time.

She should double the time she *thinks* it will take to get herself and everybody else ready.

My clocks are running about 15 mins ahead of time.

Shower at night, set an alarm for getting up, set time limits for getting ready...
I get myself completely ready before waking my kids. I pack bags/lunches/whatever we need the night before. I sometimes even put everything I can in the car the night before, I then put the rest by the door and a post it on my purse for things I don't want to forget. She would set reminder alarms in her phone also.

yeah you just gotta move your time schedule up. i used to have my husband set each clock ahead a few minutes and not tell me so i couldn't sabotage myself. i set alarms on my kitchen timers or phone to remind myself when i gotta get moving. i have my white board in the kitchen with my entire life on it so i don't forget or get late on payments. sometimes i write myself out a time schedule of when i will complish things during the day that way i can't forget or get myself out of line with my priorities. it may sound dumb to organized people that are on time but it takes practice practice practice i used to be that friend and i hated it. but your friend needs to make up her mind to not be late its not acceptable and then the change will occur just like anything else. whether going on the diet or excerising, paying bills on time, not spending money whatever our weakness be. and i'm sure there has got to be a ton of books on this subject since time mangament is a key to success. good luck.

A few suggestion...

Have her put everything in her calendar as starting 30 minutes earlier than it really starts.

If has a smart phone, she can put everything into her phone's calendar and set reminder alarms. She can have alarms go off when it's time to do certain tasks.

Choose clothes and lay them out the night before. Then there is less rushing around in the morning to choose what to wear.

I recently bought a second toothbrush and tube of toothpaste for my son and I keep it in the downstairs bathroom. Not having to go back upstairs to brush his teeth saves us a few minutes each morning (he tends to dawdle when we go back upstairs).

Plan breakfast the night before. Prep as much as possible - take out clean dishes & silverware, take out the cereal box, etc

Pack lunch the night before

If she has kids in school, make sure their backpacks are packed and ready the night before. All books and homework must be inside, permission slips signed, etc.

Factor in an extra 15 minutes for anything random that might come up - finding lost items, spilling on clothes, or other "emergencies."

The last thing - remind her that it can easily take 10 minutes from the time you are "ready" to leave until you actually drive away. Putting on shoes, loading the car, buckling in kids, etc always takes longer than I expect it to.

That is very simple. Your friend has to estimate the time it will take her to arrive somewhere and do it backwards. For example: Work starts at 8 am:
Add 10 min for unexpected delays
Travel time -40 min
Breakfast time-30 min
Get the kids/herself ready- 40 min
Wake up second call- 10 min
Wake up time: 10+40+30+40+10=130 min or 2 hours and 10 min, so that translates to 5:55 am, then second alarm at 6:05 am.
She has to do that for every appointment, always give 5-10 min extra, and voile! She will be on time.

Someone once told me that it's very difficult to be exactly onetime, you have to choose to be either early or late.

I am a chronically late person. It isn't for lack of respect for others or need for control. I just always think I can get something else done. I underestimate how long each task takes, and it all adds up. Reading here how long others estimate to get ready, I'm saying to myself, I can get ready way more quickly than that! But since I'm usually late, that isn't true. I think it has something to do with thinking how long it SHOULD take to do something, and how long it ACTUALLY takes... excepting how things are instead of trying to change them.

Also, it's a vicious cycle: those who are always late feel they HAVE to squeeze one more task in because we are always in a hurry and can't waste time by allowing too much time for things. I know, it's ridiculous...

Luckily, I'm living in Italy where it is exceptable to be 15 minutes late to appointments. And NOBODY will show up to a party until at least 30 minutes after the set time.

She needs a time table and a written schedule.
I have a mental schedule that I keep. I know how long it takes me to do any task and I just make sure I have time to do it. I give myself an hour to shower, dress and put my makeup on. It takes me another hour to get my kids ready in the morning (that's being over generous, but I like to make sure I allot for things like tantrums and meltdowns). I keep my diaper bag and purse fully stocked so I'm not running around shoving it full of stuff. I know it takes my kids FOREVER to eat a meal, so I allow an hour for meal time. So, it takes us roughly 3 hours to get ready to go somewhere in the morning. I try to play appointments and things accordingly so I'm not rushing around.
Working backward from the time I have to be somewhere helps me a lot too. If I know that I have an appointment at 1 and it take me half an hour to get there, I know I have to leave at 12:30. It will take me an hour to feed the kids, so lunch needs to start at 11:30. It takes 15 minutes to prepare lunch, so I need to start that at 11:15. An hour to get ready means I'm in the shower by 10:15, which means the kids are starting to get dressed at 9:15, which means they eat breakfast no later than 8:15.
I ALWAYS allow too much time for my tasks. It give me a cushion of time in case something goes wrong.
But, she really has to want to change and has to very actively stick to a schedule.

Can she set her clocks forward to a time difference of when she's usually late? It helped me get out of the house in the mornings on time or a little early. I used to be notorious for being late to movies (at theaters) so I would tell myself I am leaving at 515 (early b/c I actually have to leave at 530) and I would end up leaving at 525... I did the same thing with other things and it works really well.

As a family of 5 we take for EVER to get ready! LOL So we turned our clocks ahead and then "Forgot" that we did this! LOL Now we are just a little late LOL. I also plan ahead for the morning, so I have to have everything ready and in order before I go to bed. I pack lunches, get everyones cloths out and ready...etc. So that all we have to do is get up and get dresed and go. Good luck with your friend.