Dear Mamas,
I currently have plans to send two of my children, ages 8 & 11, to spend a week with their cousins. The problem is that my sister talks on her cell phone all the time while she is driving like a crazy woman around SoCa. Just asking the question here makes me realize that I might as well cancel the trip as she will undoubtedly not comply with my wishes for her to abstain. I have been in the car with her driving over 80 MPH and yacking away.
So, what would you say? How would you handle the conversation? I would love to make an impact, but don't think it will change much. But I am willing to try.
Hi Jennifer,
I have actually heard that its illegal to talk on the cell phone while driving in California UNLESS its on a bluetooth (a hands free device). I would research this and let her know so that she doesn't get into any trouble (i.e. get any tickets for this). I hope that this helps! Good luck!!
I. K.
Hmmmm - tough one b/c you live so far away so you can't really monitor any "progress" with her if she is really stopping her driving/chatting issue.
Is she an Oprah fan? They had an EXCELLENT show on the fact we can't multi -task while driving and had some heart wrenching guests come on and talk about how their children were killed by people talking on their cell phones while driving. Oprah also has a no phone zone pledge you can sign. If she were open to this I would send her the link and watch it with her... and take the pledge with her. Make it about you two and safety in general.
If you have a more direct relationship with her then I would tell her you are so worried about her driving and talking and that you're having second thoughts re: sending your children out to visit her b/c of this. See how she reacts. If she's open to it maybe she would agree to not talk and drive while your children are there. Tell her it would be horrible for your children to not have time together and not form a relationship over something that is easily avoidable.
I don't know how old she/you are but If she's in her 40's then she went well over 1/2 her life not talking on a phone while driving... she can certianly do it for one vacation!
Good luck - and definitely check out the show on Oprah.com - So many people have called in saying that they could NEVER have imagined not using their phone while driving - but now refuse to do so b/c of the parent's stories. Truly the definition of senseless deaths. Let us know who it goes!
Is the issue really that she is talking on the phone...or you think she is a bad driver? You can hope, at least, that she uses a hands-free device in order to comply with California law.
If you can't trust her not to do it with your kids in the car, then you have to cancel the trip. Period. You are responsible for your children and if you send them without addressing this, then you are saying her behavior is okay and you accept the consequences for anything that might happen.
I know that family dynamics can be hard, but I can't imagine why you planned a trip if you already knew this would bother you so much. If she asks why you are canceling, then you just have to tell her straight...and know that it may change the dynamic of your relationship.
I think that you answered your own question. Tell you sister the truth though, she needs to know, you might be saving her life too.
Remember...always follow your instincts.
Here is a letter from a friend who the night before her husband was killed by a distracted driver. They were on the way to see the husbands sister who was about to have her first baby.
A few days later they found out the woman was talking on her cell phone. They did not know this till the forensic dept had called for her cell phone records. The police were worried when they came across the accident. The infant seat was empty and they searched for 2 hours looking for the baby. The Other driver was thrown through the windshield, the dad was killed instantly and the mom was seriously injured..
The good news? The baby was never in the car. She was with her grandparents.
This was in January of this year.
"Chris's parents are having a very hard time. Their house is swamped with callers and relatives and the time until the funeral is really dragging. They are exhausted taking care of Colleen and now, Kristen but they are happy to have them. Kristen will be living with them while she goes through re-hab. My mother-in-law is very distraught and was relieved to know that Chris died instantly. She and everyone else was tormented at the idea that he might have suffered. Kristen has been sending out a blog on FB which is really amazing. I thought I would share it with you. Here is what she wrote tonight.
"Dear friends,
I made it safely to College Station yesterday. I'm back with Colleen staying with my wonderful in-laws, Chris's parents. When I got out of the car, I could hear Colleen saying, "Mama! Mama!" It was the most beautiful thing I've heard in a long time. She was of course confused at first by Mama's new giant arm "band-aid," "special boot," and "walking helper," but she still wanted to come and give me a hug. It was great to tuck her into bed and see her sleeping peacefully, although it's obvious that she knows something is wrong. She's not smiling as much, and that special light in her eyes is dimmed. It absolutely breaks my heart that she will not grow up with the rock solid foundation of Chris Cooper for her daddy.
Today was a hard day for me. I was absolutely exhausted and could barely keep my eyes open for more than 10 or 15 minutes at a time. I've been told this is a result of my exhaustion catching up with me. It feels like my body is loaded down with lead weights. I'm so thankful for the incredible network of people around me. The Coopers are caring for Colleen and making her feel safe and loved because Mama can't pick her up or rush to her side like I used to. My sister Karen hasn't left my side since she got here on Tuesday. She is amazing at taking care of me - not just what I need for my body, but what I need to hear for my soul. My sweet parents love me so deeply and completely. I love them all very much.
Today when I was laying on the couch at the Coopers, I could see the front door. As I drifted in and out of sleep I kept thinking that Chris would walk through it. I'm not sure that I've fully accepted that he never will, but for now all I can do is take my life minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, and rely on the knowledge that God's plan is somewhere in all of this tragedy.
Thank you for your prayers. I need them.
with love,
Kristin "
http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Americas-New-Deadly-Obsess...
I'm all about keeping the kids safe but as much as it might drive you crazy has she ever actually had an accident? Is she talking hands free or actually dialing? To me hands free is really no different then just talking to someone in the passenger seat or back seat while driving and we've all done that!
Maybe tell her that you are already trying to instill good driving habits in your 11 year old as she will be taking driver's ed in a few years ad one thing you absolutely do not want her doing is talking on the phone will driving so it would be a huge favor and comfort to you if for that week your sister could try to not talk on the phone while driving.
Good luck,
K.
Jennifer, I tell my oldest daughter (age 5) this all the time when she is playing with a neighbor girl and doesn't like what the girl does. "You can't change the behavior of others, but you can change your own." If you feel that your children will be in danger, you may have to change your plans (as inconvenient as it may be, it's better than living with the aftermath should they be in an accident). You can talk to your sister, but remember she is an adult and may not see it your way. A respectful conversation with her just might do some good. Present her with some research (a person talking on the phone is as competent as a mildly impaired drunk driver--says current research) if you do talk to her so she knows you really care about her safety not just criticizing her driving.
I struggle with this same issue in a slightly different way. I have a friend who talks on the phone constantly in the car and is not so careful behind the wheel. I'm not comfortable with her safety as a driver of my children while talking on the cell phone, so I simply don't let my kids ride with her and her kids. I figure my kids are my responsibility to protect the best I can, so I have to make these hard decisions for them. Sometimes it's inconvenient, but I wouldn't relax a minute if I thought my kids might be put in danger just so my neighbor's feelings wouldn't be hurt. Best wishes. R., mom of 3 precious bundles
Look on the internet. There are some truly gruesome pictures of accidents involving people talking on their cell phones. Find some of them and send them to her. I'll bet the next time she's on the phone in her car her mind will flash on those pictures and she'll put the phone down. It worked for me and I don't talk when I'm driving.
