Advise for "Dorky" Step Brother Getting Teased at School

I think a larger environment might be a good idea, but I also shudder to think of him entering junior high with no background with the other kids there. On the other hand, I left a small private school and went into a public junior high, and it wasn't horrible - high school was a big improvement though.

If they're thinking about homeschooling, I think it might be an option until high school age, for the right family in the right area. The homeschooling group around here seems amazingly organized - their kids do all kinds of great activities and classes. Homeschooling doesn't have to be isolating, but it seems like you (the parent) have to be able to make it a full-time job to do it right.

I definitely agree with the person who said he needs to find his niche. Whether that's something he loves outside of school, or a school with lots of groups to choose from. They should definitely leave the school if the school isn't willing to work on the problem. And they shouldn't blame him for it (even if the school tries to make it sound like it's his fault.)

There are social skills groups for kids - I keep hearing about them, although I haven't looked for them myself. Maybe their pediatrician, or the local public school social worker (you don't have to have a student there to call and ask) would have a recommendation for them.

I would also talk to the local school district in general. We have friends who have a son with some learning disabilities, and they left a private school last year. They were able to get an evaluation and an IEP in place before he even transferred. I know this child doesn't have a LD, but smart kids with issues can also get accommodations and help under certain circumstances.

I think you're going to get a wide variety of opinions on this one. I am a homeschooler with a child who has aspergers, which is greatly characterized by the difficulty with social situations. I am able to work with him on his social skills side by side. Putting him into a larger environment without developing those skills can be extremely overwhelming and lower his self-esteem even more.

Throwing him into a larger environment with jr. high kids when he has difficulty navigating a small environment, I would only imagine the situation getting worse. Kids pick on those who seem different usually.

Kids like this need guidance and assistance. Not just thrown into a pool of sharks. My son continues to become more comfortable in social situations on a daily basis.

Having an evaluation may be of great assistance. Finding out if there is something else going on. However, the school sounds as if it is falling short, no matter the cause for his awkwardness.

I grew up the butt of jokes. I was teased relentlessly. I finally figured out the best way to get them to stop. Why do people pick on others? because they know it will upset them. My solution is no quick fix. But it will work. He needs to shrug it off. He needs to make them think it does not bother him. Or more so, come up with a way that what they say is actually a compliment and thank them for it. For example, when I was in Junior high a kid made fun of the fact that I was in karate and always had my hair in a ponytail. SO he started callimg me Steven Segal. I looked at him after about a week of this and said "you know, I hear he is one hell of a martial artists, I've never gotten to see any of his movies though, but thank you! I wish to be that good!" He just kinds stood there shocked. Then the kid started making fun of the headband that I wore one day. He told me I looked like I should be on the back of a Harley. So I said to him, "cool! Harley's are nice bikes! Thanks!" once again he was just shocked I wasn't bothered by it, and THANKED him for saying it! After about a month of that, he finally gave up and left me alone. Oh and I am a MEGA geek and can say that there is nothing wrong with being a little "dorky". Dorks make the good $ when they grow up, just look at Bill Gates, Stephen Hawkins, Gene Roddenbery, George Lucas, or the late, great, Gary Gygax, he affected the world 1,000 times more than any jock ever will.

-a little about me-
I am a divorcing mom of one beautiful little girl who turn's 9 today! And I too am trying to get my own photography/digital imaging business going. :) I have a wonderful boyfriend who graduates from Bradley this fall and is so great with my little girl! My geeky addictions/hobbies
I play:
World of warcraft
Dungeons and Dragons and other role play/fantasy games
I have a Wii and a PS3 and a ton of games for both
I am in the Society for Creative Anachronism where we recreate the better parts of the middle ages. www.illiton.org
(local group's website)
I love star wars, star trek, star gate, mythology from other cultures, and languages. I love many forms of art, so many so that they had to create art classes for me to take in high school.
I love computers, and most of my family calls me up if they are having problems with theirs.

Hi Jennifer,
First, I would have him switch to the larger public school. In a larger school he wouldn't stand out so much. Also, it would be a fresh start for him. Second, I would get him involved in as many activities as possible. It can be sports or clubs (science club, chess club, drama club, etc). Public schools have much more activities for kids to choose from. If there are no activities in the school system, then find something, anything that he enjoys doing. He will meet kids with similar interests & this will help him feel less isolated & improve his social skills.

I'm sorry to hear that your step brother is being bullied. Kids can be so cruel.

I would also question the fact that 3rd, 4th and 5th graders share a classroom and teacher. Academically and socially, these age groups are on much different levels. I would definitely look into a larger school that has access to additional resources. I don't think homeschooling will help him socially at this point and further ostricizing him from his peers because of his social awkwardness will only hinder him, in my honest opinion.

In any case, good luck.

I would definately NOT suggest homeschooling him to gain social behavior. While the homeschooled kids I know are smarter, they are defiantely not as "hip" in the social circles...so to speak. I think a bigger school; its kind of strange having 3 grades in class together. Maybe you could have him over by you more so he can interact and "learn" from your kids..??

I would suggest going with the bigger public school, but meeting with people there first about possibly getting him evaluated. There are disorders and mild forms of autism that from what you describe he does have some of those symptoms. They woudl have the facilities and programs to help him with issues like that at a bigger school.

Tough - TOUGH situation! Please look to Barbara Colorosa's book, "The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander". Very informative - may help jumpstart some action with your parents, your stepbrother and even the school. Anti0-bullying programs are everywhere now - I cannot believe the school is not helping more. We can see what comes from being bullied!

First, I think you have to careful on how you refer to your brother. Just the fact that you labeled him "dorky" in heading leads me to believe that you feel the same way. People are quick to label others an we quickly wear the labels we are given. First, I suggest changing how you feel about your brother and start treating him as you would like to feel about him. Second, I would take you brother out into public places and teach him the proper social skills and don't be afraid to tell him what is right or wrong. Third, It is the schools and teacher's responsibility to make sure that every child in in his/her class feels safe and loved, so I would talk to the school again. Lastly, if you feel there is in issue that could be effecting is social development talk with your family doctor, so that you and your family can get the right help.

Another method you could use is call a parent from your brothers school and try to pair him up with a friend take him and that friend on play dates, movies, mall, and etc. Often after one child's perception of another child changes the other children will start to follow. Good Luck!

D. -

I'm wondering, you don't say anything about the 9 year old getting teased yet she is in the same environment? What kind of things make him "dorky"? Has he ever been evaluated by a doctor? Has anyone ever mentioned Aspergers?

If he is behind socially, why would they think to put him into another school that is just as small? Kids that struggle socially do so much better in a larger group because there are more kids to "choose " from to be friends with. As a teacher, I would question what type of school puts 3rd, 4th and 5th graders in one room! That cannot be good for their social ineraction...and I can't even begin to tell you how their academics must be suffering! I would suggest signing him up for different classes and seeing which he enjoys best. Let him find his "nitch". Good luck!

I am a school social worker and I tell you this right off so you get a sense of where I am coming from. What kinds of steps you and your parents take depend on what you value most. Social 'smarts' is fairly crucial, more and more so in our superficial world and whether you agree with it or not, the affects on your brother stay the same. Some kids needs explicit instructions on how to act, just as a child needs math or grammar instruction. This kind of instruction falls on your family, the school and school social worker and often, outside social agencies. You can also check with your pediatrician in regards to any sensory integration concerns or other non-verbal learning disabilities. I say this because if it is determined that your step-brother has a disability under FAPE the public school in your parent's district is supposed to provide services if he qualifies for special education. You'd have to look more into that locally. There are more than a handful of books to assist families and children who are experiencing social difficulties. The OUt of Sync Child by Carol Stock Kranowitz might be a place to start...but may not be a good fit for his needs because, of course I have not met him and know all that much about him. Another point is to figure out how badly your brother wants to have friends and get along..and for him to understand that he has to do some of the work and changing. Making him aware of how his actions may make him a target might help initiate his changing of himself and learning ways to not look or act so out of place.

Oh, please, no homeschooling - with rare exceptions, homeschooled kids are not as well socialized and have serious adjustments to make if they decide to go to a regular high school.

I was the dorky one, and I don't remember that period fondly. It helps a lot that his parents are behind him. Mine were in denial a bit - they could not believe it could be a problem as long as I was getting good grades. It is important that they talk to him and share with him why certain kinds of behavior are not acceptable - examples might be always busting out with the right answer in class, or being totally honest all the time even if it means insulting someone, or not knowing when to stop talking. I agree that a bigger school might help because there would be a bigger variety of personalities and perhaps a few like him with whom he could bond. Activities that he is good in would also help, giving him some cool points for achievement - that's what ultimately worked for me, because I was good at music.

It's important that everyone in the family be behind the kid and make sure he knows how much they love him, how valuable he is, and that yes, other kids can be mean and not fair. Just knowing that really helps. It does not sound like a disability to me, only within-normal-limits awkwardness of a smart kid. Bear in mind that junior high is the worst time for many kids and you might not be able to completely fix that.