My 14 yr old son is turning the last of my dark hairs, gray!! Please help! He has always been a really good kid, loving, helpful, funny, intelligent(or so I thought) and until the last year or so, very responsible. He was an outstanding student for the year in 6th grade and then got this girlfriend at the end of the year. In 7th grade, his grades began slipping from A's to A's and B's. By the end of 7th grade, we saw our first C's and had to be removed from a Pre-AP class. This year for 8th grade, he has bounced back a little to A's and B's only because we threatened to homeschool him and teach him how to clean our house and mow the yard, jobs he would qualify to do without an education! The problem is now that he has begun getting ISS(in school suspension) for PDA's (public display of affection). He and his girlfriend keep hugging at school. My husband and I have talked with him about our expectations for behavior and morals. Unfortunately, it appears her parents don't think it is a big deal. While it is not sex in the bathroom at school, we feel it is the first step to escalating behavior. For various abuses of rules and bad grades, we have taken away every privelege he has; not all at once, of course, and for limited periods of time. The minute he regains the privelege, he abuses it again, so we have have taken away just about everything except a place to live, sleep, eat, bath and be loved. (although he thinks we don't) He does have guy friends that live in our neighborhood and we encourage spending time and hanging out with them, as we know their parents well and are all on board with the same expectations for our kids behavior. This would be the last option to take away. I don't want his life to be miserable, but he is making these choices for himself(other moms of girlfriend's friends say she is calling the shots). Away from school and her, he quickly bounces back to his wonderful, genuinely loving life self. After talking with her, he becomes sullen, sulky, hates life and everyone else! She has had a few boyfriends before my son, but she is his very first girlfriend. This morning I received a call that now he is being suspended from school, for one day, for kissing her after school. I am desparate! I feel that we have said all the right things and tried to warn him and her, but they just don't seem to get it! The administration at the school has been more than lenient and patient with these two. Does anyone have any advice, I'm not sure what else we can do besides homeschooling, which I am seriously considering. Her mom and step-dad are not on board so this is an uphill battle. I fear we are creating the Romeo/Juliet syndrome and I want to prevent as much harm as possible. Thanks in advance, I appreciate any advice! (p.s. they are both 8th graders and will be going to different high schools this fall)
Sorry...i have no advice for you! i am definitely dreading the teenage years!! (only b/c i know how i was as a teenager and how my husband was as a teenager...LOL)
Good luck!!
WOW...he's got it bad and early. And unfortunately tv, music, and friends will not make it any better. It's obvious he has hit that point where girlz is priority for him.
Me personally to save myself from the misery I flat out told no girlfriends period till you go to college then you can have all the girlfriends you want. However these kidz have no fear in them(fear of dying) they are much wilder sexually but have something 10x greater to worry about more than bringing a child in this world contract AIDS or an STD that they can not get rid off. They honestly just do not seem to get it. I was very frank and open with my son who is 11 my 16 year old niece and now 21 year old nephew. They already know about sex you might as well educate them the right and not beat around the bush.
Okay to your issue---I think you need to relate to him on his level. Ask him what is really go on, why has fell for this girl like this. Have they already had sex? Sit down and make out a list of questions to ask him. Also have some self talk with yourself: control your emotions in case you hear something you don't want to hear, explain to him that you want to know the truth and that you are not going to get mad or punish him no matter what..and mean it...you need for him to open up to you so you can help him. Let him know that you want to help him because this has gotten really serious.
I would also try to some scare tactics on the aids and std side of it get on the computer and show him some pictures of things that can happen to him and if he says that he ha s already had sex then tell him well it's time for you to start your testing every 6 months you have to get tested for hiv since you don't know if your partner has hiv or not, do you want to be responsibe for giving hiv to somebody b/c you choose to have unprotected sex? This is what I call real talk.
After talking to him call and schedule a mom and son's girlfriend evening out. The two of you have this same real talk and if she and/or parents don't like it then tell her she needs to really consider how important your son's life is to her or is this just something for her to do at the moment, b/c she sounds fast and like she's been around the block a couple times already, "not to be judgemental or anything:)"
After these two part discussions (which should be very detailed and intense) then have a group discussion with all parties involved and this where the ground rules are to be iron out and a complete and thorough understanding of where everyones stands and the expectations are going forward.
Even if no sex is involved on his part if she is active and has herpes or sphyllis and has an outbreak around her lips or on her face she can pass it to him just by kissing. You really need to know what this girl is into it's just a lot these kids take for granted.
good luck and as always PRAY PRAY PRAY
I know others are saying they would switch schools, and boys are not generally this way at 14, but that is not always the case. My hubby for instance was all girls all the time by the time he hit 8th grade...boys are all different. At 13/14, guys start getting a lot of testosterone and start to think about girls differently. Especially if there is a girl that is persuing them. Now...if it were a situation where these two were going to be together at the hs level next year, I'd say look into a transfer. But, it is already April and school is out soon...why not just get through the next month of school and then let it pass? There will be girls at any school...use this summer to go thru the birds and bees...maybe take him to a hospital or a soup kitchen, etc and show him what will happen if he isn't careful and if he doesn't pay more attention to school than girls, etc. Let him know that you want him to go to school and have his friends and if he keeps it up homeschool will be his only option and that will eliminate the friends. But that will make him bitter, so that should be a very last resort. Good luck!
Wow, Mom!!!! My heart broke just reading your post. As the mother of two early-20s (a son & daughter) and one 17 year old son, I thought I had taken some pretty difficult walks down some pretty dark paths; but, this one is made much harder because you don't have the girl's parents' support. My only advise is to try to talk to your son, again. This time take the tact of whether he might be scared he's in over his head and can't find his way out regarding this relationship. It's been my experience when a child keeps repeating bad behavior and suffering serious consequences; but, still repeats the bad behavior there's generally something underneath that needs to be explored.
Of course, as you've already mentioned, you want to avoid the "forbidden fruit" angle and have him dig in even deeper about this girl. At 14, guys generally want to be around their guy friends, doing guy things. While it probably was very exciting, at first, to have this girlfriend, he may not know how to end it. And, if she is one of those "calling the shots" girls, he may have good reason to be fearful.
Also, if you can just have him get through the rest of the year with no more school punishments (and, that's his choice for his decisions; not yours!), summer is just around the corner and different schools for these kids would be a very welcome sight!
Good Luck!
You know we homeschool and when our kids are misbehaving we threaten to put them in public school!!!!! Isn't that ironic.
I agree with you taking a few days off and going to every class with him and sitting there during class and walking with him between classes and eating lunch with him. If her parents don't think this is a problem then in a few years when she is pregnant then they shouldn't be complaining, because they condone it.
I have to ask.....is she getting in trouble also? from the school? because her parents might not think the PDA is a big deal but surely the suspension shoud be.
my oldest is just now 13 and is not interested in girls....yet. and yes we have access to girls in our co-op classes, church funtions, sports etc. he doesn't live in a box. but we have always stresssed no dating until older. obviousuly your son is not ready for this kind of thing since his grades are obviously slipping. if he were ready then his grades would not be going into the toilet. I would be at school every waking minute with him and be sure to be around her also. what about coming to your house for some time chaperoned by you. so that they can see each other in a more structured way. going to different schools might work for this girl problem but what about next year when another girl comes along? what about a part-time job. or sports to keep him busy he has no time for her anyway. you also may remind him that in a few years he will want a car. and that if he can't be responsible and trustworthy you will not be able to reward him with one. that he will only get one with good grades, good behaviour and correct and right choices. surely the car and driving thing should help. if you can't trust him now how can you trust him with a car. trust and responsability and maturity are grown over time and he is wasting alot of that now and it will affect how you treat him for other important rites of passage. car, single dating, senior trip etc. so he better pay attention.
good luck, i will be there myself soon enough.
L.
We would be switching schools - today! She sounds like a bad seed...could lead to a much BIGGER problem down the road...I certainly didn't go through 9 months of pregnancy and child birth to end up having a teenage girl run my son's life. REVISION ******* You don't want to end up a grandma right now - especially not with a girl whose parents don't really seem to care. Put your foot down now or else you may be adding one more to your family - or two. Sometimes out of sight - out of mind works. I had a much more experienced older boyfriend at that age and my parents planned a long summer vacation for me and I went to tennis camp and by the time I returned home I was WAY over him and he had certainly moved on also.
Switching schools is not the answer. There will be another girl anywhere he goes. And keeping him from her is not the route to go either. If you want to have a meeting of the minds, tell him casually that you would like to get together with her and her parents for a discussion, or to meet them if you don't alread know them. Say what you would like to say, discuss his getting ISS and out of school suspensions for their behaviour, your dislike of it, it's affect on his grades and future. If the other parents do not think it is so bad, then call the school and make sure that the girl gets the exact same punishment as your son....every time! The parents will get tired of it and will want to compromise.
My son is 16 and his girlfriend is his #1 priority! UGH! I have grounded him for bad grades due to the fact that she is all he thinks about, but keeping him from her causes him to sneak around and be evasive about it. I know your son can't drive yet, but he will soon and then it will be even harder to control his whereabouts.
We took our son's phone away, and he still has NO TEXTING features due to using it in school and texting over 5,000 messages per month. She attends a different school, but you'd think they were together all day long.
Give him some boundaries. Ask him what "rules" he should have because there are going to be rules no matter what. Don't nag at him, but talk to him. Write them down so that he can be reminded of them. Maybe you can negotiate. He should already be helping clean the house and mowing the yard. He's old enough for that! Then when his chores are done to your satisfaction, he can do an activity he wants to do.
Advise him that if he really cares for this girl, he would respect her enough to keep their displays of affection private. Open to everyone to see will eventually spread rumors and make his girlfriend look bad (if you know what I mean). Tell him that you look at him (being the oldest) as a role model for your other kids and that they look up to him.
I give my son 2 days during the week to spend with his girlfriend, but he has to be home by 8:45 p.m. He does yardwork on Wednesdays(if the weather permits), so he stays home that day. He plays men's softball on a city league so at least he's involved in an outside activity. On the weekends, as long as we don't have anything special going on, he can be with her as long as we know where and what he is doing. But he has to earn our trust to be able to do these things. If he slips up, he's grounded again.
Maybe if you had this girl over to your house and you got to know her a little more, you could actually have a conversation with her sometime. Give some ground rules for her visit like they are not allowed in his room alone, nor with the door shut. No public displays of affection in the home. They can watch a movie and have popcorn like the good old days, or visit with the family or go on an outing with you.
Good luck with the situation. Get a handle on it now, and if your son doesn't like it, too bad. Tough Love! I would not consider homeschooling unless you have ALOT patience and can spend the time with him (sounds like you have your hands full with 4 kids and a husband). It really takes alot from you for him to succeed at homeschool. And if you are trying to alienate him, that's not the way to do it. He'll only resent you later and really get your goat!
I try to encourage my son everyday about his grades (and often I do sound like I'm nagging), but if he flunks he'll have to live with it the rest of his life. He may not see it now, but what teenager see's the whole picture!
Good luck with your quest!
My son is now 15 soon to be 16. We went thru the same thing. We realized the seriousness when our straight A son became an A/B student and on his progress report had a D. He was so head overhills "in love" with this girl. First, we did not and still do not advocate "girlfriend/boyfriend" prior to age 16. Even at age 16 he knows he will not be allowed to single date but will be able to group date. We are not niave to think he won't try to find a way around this.
You and your husband need to have a meeting with the girls parents and the teens. Set it out plainly what you expect and what you will put up with. Have the teens come up with ideal terms for their relationship and put it in a contract with consequences for breaking the contract(make sure teens make up consequences). Make the teens responsible for their behavior. Let them know that school infractions are a quick and definite contract breaker.
Now the girl's parents are on notice and the teens are on notice.
Good luck and make sure you do not give in at anytime but stick to your guns.
As I told my son, girls will come and go but your education is your foundation in this life.
By the way, my hair is so gray but I wear it as my crown of glory given by God for my wisdom during the teen years.
I am replying to you as a farily young parent who remembers vividly being this age... and while it may not be what some parents want to hear, for many kids, this is normal! The hormones just kick in right about then. Jr. High is that time when the kids start pairing up with bf/gf-- and it is that time when studies and extra activities take a backseat to those hormones! I was a straight-A student my whole life, except for my 7th-9th grade years! It is such a hard time-- I know it is hard for you as a parent, but trust me, it is equally hard for your son but in different ways. No amount of "forbidding" will keep this from happening. If you take him out of school, he will resent you for the rest of his life. You just need to balance a little bit of freedom (meaning just giving him a break sometimes) with a lot of oversight (but not overbearance-- don't make him feel like his feelings are wrong, only the way he chooses to act on him as in PDF's being "inappropriate"). Punishment will not cure his desires. I hear a lot of anger in your voice toward the girlfriend, but I promise you, it takes two! She may be a bit more experienced, but I certainly never met a teenaged boy who wasn't more than willing to engage a willing girl! So, give her a break too. And even if her parents are less strict, this doesn't make her a bad girl-- and the more you hate her, the more he'll want to be with her! It isn't about morals, just about growing up. Neither his brain (nor hers) is fully developed enough to make the right choices about these situations. I suggest a truce and a compromise; for example, if they can avoid PDF's at school for an entire week, then agree to take them to the movies or bowling or some activity on the weekends. Always a public place, always with some supervision, but this will hopefully curb their desire to be together. Trying to keep them apart won't work... and i'll bet he'd find a way to see her no matter what, so being involved and being proactive seems like the best solution. 14 year olds are sneaky, and they'll go to great lengths to achieve privacy! It is that transition into independence that is so rough... but in my experience, it is balance and ONLY balance that works! Giving them too much freedom or being completely overbearing are equally destructive approaches.
You have a good kid-- sit and speak with him not to demand things of him, but to understand his feelings and work on making good choices. If you are concerned about his grades, also use that as a bargaining tool for him spending time with his gf. Sit and help him with that homework at night and talk to him... let him know that he can express his feelings without being penalized or judged. The goal for all parents is to raise intelligent, independent, self-reliant kids who turn into productive, well-adjusted adults; therefore, when our kids hit puberty, we can't try to tell them who to be but encourage them to be the best of who they are. I hope I remember all of this when my girls hit that age!
Good luck.
