Adoptive Parents

Hi - I am adopted and my parents told me a bed time story that they made up about how two parents wanted a children so badly and they waited... and they waited.... and then they choose me. As I got older I would fill in parts of the story and be so proud that they waited so long for me and that I choosen special by them. There was never a question in my mind that being adopted was special and I have them to thank for that!

Hi N.. I don't know what parents are doing now, I can share with you that my parents adopted me when I was 3 months old. My mother always told me the truth that I was adopted and emphasized how much her and my father wanted to have children and how they were so happy they adopted me and my brother. They told me my birth parents couldn't take care of me but they wanted me to have a happy life so they put me up for adoption. My mom talked all about how it was for her and my dad in the months leading up to the placement and how excited they were. She focused stories on her end of the situation and she shared with me what little information they did know from the nuns "Your mother was Italian, your father was Irish. They were college students." When I was about 8 or 9 my mom gave me the book "Why was I Adopted?" and I read it. I grew up thinking I was special because my mom and dad went out of their way to adopt me and my brother. I didn't wonder about my birth parents very much. I think I only wondered what they looked like. When I was 23 my birth father found me and we met. But I absolutely feel like the daughter of my (adoptive) parents. That's me personaly. I feel very happy this is the family I have. I think children are great however they come to you and I wish you well on your journey into parenting. God Bless.

I got an error message when I sent you my response so I'm not sure it went through so I'll recap:
I was adopted as an infant and we adopted our daughter over a year ago from China - she's now 27 months old. I'd love to chat with you about your question but have too much to print here. Please e-mail me at ____@____.com so we can share ideas!
Best advise I can give right here: Start talking to your kids about being adopted NOW! It was the best thing my parents did for me so being adopted was just how I joined my family and not my identity. Even at 27 months our daughter knows she was born in China and was adopted, like her mommy. Just incoperate talking about adoption into every day conversations so it's never seen as a "touchy" subject.
Hope to hear from you soon.
S. Borgeson

Hi N.!

I have a bit of a different view because I *am* an adoptee. I was adopted at birth, but I was a preemie and it was an international adoption - and it was 33 years ago so it was closed and sealed and no information was really available.

My story is pretty simple, my parents were sweethearts who chose to finish college first before marrying. They tried to have a baby for about 10 years before adopting me, so when I arrived, they were beside themselves with joy in finally having a baby. My mom made 4 baby books for me, and I have a journal in which she wrote all sorts of things from my first weeks home. She made and bound me a book about our little family and where I was born, and how grateful they were that I could come to them and make them a family instead of just a mommy and daddy without a baby to love. I think the best part is knowing how loved and wanted you are.

In short, I have always known I was adopted, I look nothing like my parents, but it has always been a good thing. It's a personal reason and choice when older or grown adoptees decide whether or not to look for biological relatives, but I have never felt like doing that. =)

I adopted my daughter at birth. We read Jamie Leigh Curtis' book - "Tell me again about the night I was born" and "Did my other mother love me" and "Two kinds of love." We found them all on the adoption.com website.

Hi N.,
We adopted two children also. Our children's favorite bedtime story when they were young was their own story. I would tell each child the story of a couple wanting children, in third person, and end with how this wonderful baby came into their home. It is the perfect way to share the miracle of adoption, one on one while you lie with the child at bedtime. Hope this helps. I used books, too: Why I was adopted, and another about Brian (our son is mixed race and Brian is also another race, I just can't remember the title.
I think the most impact, however came from them hearing over and over their own happy story.
Good luck.
B.

N. -
Wow - what a WEALTH of fabulous responses below! yes and yes and I agree (and thank you, from me, to the adoptees who shared their experiences so openly). If you read all the responses I think you'll a) be heartened and b) have lots of information to start off with.

We too adopted through social services - here in LA.
Our daughter is 3 1/2 - and came to us at 5 1/2 months, so remembers only us as parents (like your two).
the dcfs (dept. of children & family services) caseworker gave us two great books & I can't quote the titles verbartim at the moment ("Parenting your adopted child" is not quite it) - if you email me I will follow up on this for you - they are both good books and have been very helpful to us. ____@____.com

To reiterate what other parents and children have said: best to always have known about being adopted, emphasize the fact that "we waited and waited to be a family and finally you came along", and how love was the governing factor - both in the birth parents' choice to give up the children & in your choice to be the parents.

here are some phrases our daughter has always heard in normal conversations:
"the day we became a family"
"when we met you" or "the day we met you at Gramma Renee's house". .. . you get the drift!

this link to a 'module' in New Zealand is a nicely written bit about adoption information from your children's point of view -
http://www.childsafety.qld.gov.au/adoption/education/inte...

I can't much expand much more on what everyone else has contributed. best of luck and I will get those book titles to you

A.

Hi There:

I am an adoptive Mom of a beautiful and fully energetic 3 year old son. He was placed with us at 3 weeks through an open, domestic adoption. We have contact with his birthmom but know very little about his birthdad.

We have a few children's books on adoption like the Jamie Lee Curtis one. And in preparation for our adoption I read a ton of books about all different types of adoption. The ones that were most helpful to me were the ones written by adoptive families and birthfamilies themselves. "Dear Birthmother" and one written by the daughter and granddaughter of Billy Graham (I think it's by Rose or Mary Graham). I also spoke with anyone we knew that experienced adoption from both ends of the spectrum. All told me that being honest and open about my sons adoption from the beginning would be the best.

My boss was adopted through a closed adoption back in the early 70's. Her parents were always open with her about her adoption and told her honestly what they knew about her birthparents. Both of her brothers were also adopted. Her oldest brother decided to search out his birthfamily as a teenager. He ended up not having a good relationship with his birthfamily. Her younger brother also sought out his birthfamily and has a good, but not close relationship with them. My boss never desired to search out her birthfamily. Her parents are her parents and in her mind that's all she needed. By chance she came across the social worker that dealt with her adoption at a friends wedding a few years back and the SW offered to give her whatever information about her birthparents that she had. So she took the information and read it and kept it but has still not sought them out.

So I think all you can do is be honest with your children about their adoption. And support them if they decide to find out more about their biological families when they are older.

I am pretty open with my son about his adoption. Whenever I write a letter or talk to his birthmom I also talk to my son about his adoption. It isn't something that we talk about everyday, but it is something that we talk about often. I just don't want him growing up thinking that adoption is bad. I want him growing up hearing about his adoption and being open to discussing it.

S.

I am an adoptee so I can only give you my side of the story. My parents told me from the very beginning - before I could comprehend it. I don't remember exactly what they said but I knew I was loved very much and therefore was chosen/given to my parents. My situation is possibly a little different in the fact that my birthmom really did care for me (I wasn't taken away b/c of drugs, abuse, etc) but due to her age, she couldn't give me what she felt a child needed (mom AND dad, home, siblings?, etc.). Anyway, I always new and for a while found pride in it - like I was special. I think that's the best way to do it, otherwise you're facing what year is appropriate and what will my child think? It's so neat your children are natural siblings. My cousins are and I find it great that they were able to stay together (one was adopted at birth and then the bmom called later with another pregnancy).

I think some families feel ashamed or embarrassed but I think you should embrace it. Adoption is an amazing opportunity (the giver and the receivers) so why not share it with the children and others?

Congratulations on your growing family! You have many years of abounding joy.

Hi N.,

We have 2 sons, one is 6 and the other is 2 1/2. Our 6 yr old is biological and the 2 1/2 is adopted. We plan to tell him as much as he wants to know with age appropriate responses and ensure him on how special he is and that God has a special plan for everyone and grants great wishes!! We have information on his birth parents but also limited, and when the time is right and he is able to comprehend everything we will answer his questions. We've never met the biological parents and don't plan to unless our son takes us down that road. Our biggests priority now is just letting both our sons know how very special they are in their own way and we'll cross other bridges as they come up. Good Luck with your decision.

I was adopted when I was a baby and my parents were very up front about it from the beginning which was great. I know that there are some good books out there and that they had a couple for me, but it was so long ago that I don't remember the names. There is a great website for adoption book recommendations called tapestrybooks.com. They recommend some for your children.

Our adopted daughter will turn 8 this month. Like you, we didn't know much about her background. But she was really sick and dying when we got her. All we know is that her mom was only 14 when she gave birth. We let her know little by little since she was 3 1/2. Now, maybe she doesn't still comprehend it all but she knows that we are not her real parents. According to our friend who is a nun in their congregation, high incidence of stow away kids are adopted ones. They learned about it when they were in their teens. 2 years ago, may daughter asked me if she can meet her parents, I cried so hard but she reassured me she loves me us much but she just wants to know. Too early? Maybe but it is really much better this way.

N. M:

I have adopted 2 babies through LDS Social Services. They are both grown now and married with children. We, too, had very little information on their birth parents. My daughter has since found her birth parents, but my son has never expressed any interest in finding his.

They both grew up knowing they were adopted. I never told them they were "special" because they were "chosen". In my mind all children are special, and we were not shown a bunch of children to "choose" from. I just told them they were special blessings, and God had chosen our home to send them to. They were told that another woman had given each of them birth; but, because she was unable to provide the things that were important to give him/her the best life possible (probably a complete family, or the ability to care for him/her properly), she chose to allow another family the blessing of having him/her to raise as their child. I told each one that his/her birth mother was especially unselfish and loving, because she thought of him/her before she thought of herself. I told them that I knew it was probably a very difficult choice their birth mothers had made in choosing to allow them to be adopted. Even though it was difficult, their birth mothers put them first. She thought of what was best for them first, before she thought of herself. I just let each one know that I could not have loved them more if I had given them birth. (I did tell them that I wished I could have given them that gift from my own body; but since I could not, I was so grateful to have them in my life in whatever manner they came.)

I did not want my children to feel they were "unwanted" as the reason their birth mothers had allowed them to be adopted, because I do not believe that is the case--except in very, very rare cases. A pregnancy may be unwanted, but the child is not. I told them how grateful I was to their birth mothers for granting us the privilege of raising them; for the maturity and love expressed by their birth mothers in alowing them to be adopted.

I had always wished to one day know my children's birth mothers. I always wanted to hug them and express my great gratitude to them for the blessings they had given me. I have had that privilege with my daughter's birth mother, but I doubt I will ever be able to do so to my son's birth mother. I feel it should be the child's choice whether to search for his/her birth mother. My daughter had wanted to find her birth mother for years, but my son is not interested.

I know that in today's society, adoptions are often open, and there is regular communication between the birth mother and the parents of the child. I see nothing wrong with this, but I feel it should be the choice of both parties. I see advantages, as sometimes (as turned out to be the case with my daughter) certain medical histories can be helpful when the birth parents are known.

I love my children very much. I bore a child 8 years after adopting our second child. To my mind, all of my children are mine, no matter how they joined our family. I am so grateful to have each one.

I hope this information will be helpful to you. Each family situation is different, but this has worked for me. I am NEVER in favor of hiding the fact of adoption from a child. If a child grows up knowing his status, it just becomes part of his life's story and a natural part of it. It is not something that would be traumatizing to the child when (as almost certainly WILL happen) he/she learns of his adoption.

I'm not an adoptive parent but I was adopted and my parents did a great job of letting me know I was adopted (without making it seem like I was ever unwanted). It was always in conversations with family, never covered up. From as far back as I could remember, they used the word adopted synonimously with words like "wanted" and "chosen." whenever i asked about it, they were as honest as they could be (though through the years my mom shared a few more bits of information that she had... when i was little i didn't need to know my biological mom was only 14). they told me where she was from (and where I was born) and what nationality she was. later on they told me her first name and eventually explained the whole process they went through to get me! As for books, i definitely recommend Jamie Lee Curtis' series of books based on the children she has adopted, starting with Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born! Best Wishes!

I have no info, advice or experience with adoption...I only want to commend and thank you for giving two special children a loving and nurturing home.
You are all so blessed to have such a family!

Hi N., Congratulations!!! I am in the process of adopting a newborn- the agency we went through had us read"Children of Open Adoption" by Kathleen Silber and Patricia Martinez Dorner. I realize yours is not an open adoption, but the info is good and very compassionate. I also read "Dear Birthmother" by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin. For your kids, there is "Adoption is for Always" by Linda Walvoord Girard. and
Why Was I Adopted?" by Carole Livingston and "How It Feels to be Adopted" by Jill Krementz.
Good luck and have fun!

N. -

We are going through the same thing but have a bit more time before we have to really worry about it. We adopted our 2 month old daughter at birth and have no contact with either birth parent. I don't know where you live but we do have an Adoption Club here in Ladera Ranch that has families with plans to adopt, in the process of adopting and ones that have children ranging from 7 to 2 months. If you would like to join us, we would be glad to have you, just email me.

Do you know about the magazine Adoptive Families? It's loaded with information.

Synopses & Reviews
Publisher Comments:
Tell me again about the night I was born.
Tell me again how you would adopt me and be my parents.

Tell me again about the first time you held me in your arms.

Jamie Lee Curtis and Laura Cornell, author and illustrator of the best-selling When I Was Little: A Four Year Old's Memoir of Her Youth, have joined together again to create a fresh new picture book for every parent and every child.In asking her parents to tell her again about the night of her birth, a young girl shows that it is a cherished tale she knows by heart.
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born is a unique, exuberant story about adoption and about the importance of a loving family.

Synopsis:
The author/illustrator team who brought readers the bestselling "When I Was Little: A Four-Year-Old's Memoir of Her Youth" returns with a paperback edition of a fresh new picture book. "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born" presents a unique, exuberant story about adoption and the importance of a loving family. Full color.

Hi N., I adopted my daughter at 12 mos. (she is now 3) from Social Services. I also have very limited info about her birth parents, but do have ongoing contact with the amazing foster family who raised her for the first year of her life. I started talking about how "mommy adopted you" when she was about 18 mos. old and have just kept talking about it, kind of casually. I started reading her some books, like "Tell me again about the night I was born" and "A mother for Choco". Now that my daughter is 3, she is starting to get more curious and is fascinated with how babies grow in tummy's! I'm trying to keep it all out in the open, but it does make me nervous to say the right thing. I have found a fabulous resource in a magazine/website called "Adoptive Families" www.adoptivefamilies.com which has tons of wonderful articles on how to talk with your kids about adoption. It's been a lifesaver for me - in fact, the books I bought were recommended by them. Good luck and congratulations on your beautiful family!

Hi N.,

I too am adopted. It was an open adoption though and it was great that whenever I asked my parents told me that we chose each other. But what I want to address is to be sure you look into how you want to approach the fact that your children may want to locate thier birth parent(s). Research your states laws on closed adoptions. There is a point where records can be made available to adopted children for medical reasons. My story went like this:

I was adopted at birth and always told openly about my adoption with questions answered as best could be remembered (could keep a journal to retain memories of the adoptions). I was told by my mother that since it was an open adoption she had three options on what to do with the original adoption records. (1) they could be destroyed (2) she could keep them (3) they could be held by the state until I turned 21 and I had to make a formal request for them. She didn't know how I would feel about it so she kept them with the state. When I turned 21 I told my mother that I wanted to look into it and she was very cross. She felt that I thought she was not my mother and I should not have a relationship with this woman. So, I kept low and didn't look into again for about 4 years, when I married. This time it was more for medical reasons. So, I went straight to the state and got all my adoption records. I had a great case worker that informed me that names had to be "blacked out" to keep the identity of my birth mother private. Well, they missed a few and I was able to look her up online. I quickly learned that she died 4 years earlier. I hit a brick wall. I could have gone to court to notify the next of kin (her son and daughter) but chose not to. It appeared that I was concieved in private (no birth father info) and I did not want to disrupt any lives. However, it would have been nice to at least seen what she looked like or did for a living.

So, if you did the work for your kids and then just provided it to them when they asked for it, you would not only save time, but be proactive. I am sure you will make the distinction between a mother that gave birth and a mother that raises her children.

Hope this helps.

Congrats to the both of you!!! Adoption is an awesome experience!! I am an adoptive child (ha, ha..I am 42 years old) and am so grateful of the decision my adoptive parents made!! My parents "told me" when I was about 6 or 7 years old. They made it so special for me..ie. "how I was especially chosen, how there were other children, but I was the special one that caught their eye, etc." I know my friends were a little jealous that they were not "especially chosen", like me. For the rest of my childhood and even now I still feel like the "special one." I know that there are alot of books out there..you should go to a book store or library..one comes to mind.."Tell me about the night I was born?" While I am writing this, I have tears flowing down my face..I just recently lost my mom ( just a little over a month ago) and am missing her terribly!! There is nothing better than the love between a mother and child! I am a mother of two teenage daughters (by birth), but would have happily adopted also!! Good luck to all of you and God bless you!!

C. C.

Congratulations on your two precious children! We are the parents of 10 children, 7 of whom are adopted. Their circumstances are all very different, but we have shared information over the years about their adoptions, birth parents, cultures, etc, as they have asked. Telling children about their adoption is sort of like teaching them about sex....you just give them the information they need or are ready to hear. Our oldest adopted child was 3 months old when she came to us, and she is 22 and married now. She will never know her birth parents, as she was a foundling in Calcutta, India. However, a few years ago, she and I went to Calcutta and walked the streets and lived the culture for a couple of weeks, and let her absorb some of her heritage. It was immensely helpful to her. She is a well adjusted and wonderful young lady, served as a missionary in Nairobi, Kenya, and is now studying to be a nurse practitioner. Our son is nearly 22, came to us at 5 weeks, and met his birth mother at 18. It was not a good reunion, and they have a tenuous relationship. He is close to us, and is a great kid. The last four children we adopted are siblings, like yours. There are twins 8 years old, their brother 9, and sister 17. They came to us when the twins were born. We know their birth parents, but choose not to have a relationship with their mother. Our daughter's father is dead. The boys' father lives nearby. Right now, they visit him frequently, but they do not know that he is their father. They know that he is our friend. He does not have a home, and has just started a successful road to recovery from addiction. We supervise visits and that seems to work well. We like him very much, and look forward to being able to assist him in putting his life back together. Someday, probably soon, we will tell the boys that he is their father, but not now. He agrees. There are many, many books about adoption. We read many of them to our children, but the best thing is to just talk and to let them meet other children who are adopted, and for you and your husband to join groups of other adoptive parents. These are available everywhere. Look in the Team Talk magazine put out by Orange County Social Services, or call the office at ###-###-####. They will steer you in the right direction. Send me a message, and we can arrange to meet, also. I would love to meet you and your family. We are new here, recently moved from NY. Our children were born in Orange County. Good luck.. Marti

Congratulations! Life books are a wonderful way to go-- it is THEIR story and your warm voice telling it-- a great combination. Also, a post adoption guide called "Creating Enduring Ties" on www.sageworkshops.com has professional suggestions for lots of situations you will encounter, including the adoption telling. Tapestry books (publisher) also has a wide variety of books on adoption for your kids, and for you. Good luck!

Hi N.,

I don't have any advice from the parent perspective, but as an adoptee, what I'd like to offer to you is telling them from the very beginning. I was adopted at 3 weeks old. My older brother was also adopted (we're not blood related to each other). We both have always known we were adopted, and I remember being told things like how my parents specifically picked me. I think its never been an issue for us because we have always known and we were told in such a way.

Good luck!

N., We are adoptive parents. Our son is 4.5 yrs and is a Snowflake Embryo Adoption. Our daughter is almost 3 yrs and is adopted from China. We are in touch w/ our son's bio family, but will probably never know anything about our daughter's bio family. Our adoption agency suggested we keep the word "adoption" a daily word in our family so it's never off limits. Tell little bits of the kids' stories appropriate for their age. Our son can recite his and his sister's adoption stories . . . I don't think he really understands, but at least that's something to build on.

=) C. ____@____.com

http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/books

We Belong Together by Todd Parks, Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis

We adopted our son at birth. When my son was about 4 I started talking to him about being adopted. I tell him daily, how much I love him and how lucky I am to have him. He is now 10 and will openly tell people that he is adopted.

He expresses a desire to find his birth family and meet them someday. When he is angry with me, he will make hurtful comments that he wished he was adopted by another family.

I think keeping an adoption secret is very foolish.

I am a family law attorney in Las Vegas and running for Family Court Judge.

Wishing you all the Best.

We have a 3 year old son that we have adopted. I recommend that you begin to put a Life Book together to help tell your children about their adoption story. Beth O' Malley has written a great book about lifebooks. Check out her website at www.adoptionlifebooks.com. I have started to tell our son about how we brought him home at one day old from the hospital by showing pictures. Now that he is talking alot, I think he will be asking questions soon, especially if he grew in my tummy. O'Malley's books and website have been a great source of wisdom and encouragement. I also recently found an article from www.adoptivefamilies.com about talking to your three-five-year-old about adoption (see www.adoptivefamilies.com/pdf/talking3-5.pdf for the article.) I hope this helps!
J.

N.,

My husband and I adopted siblings from LA County Social at 7 months and 2 years old. At first we were nervous about talking about adoption and what that meant for our family. It wasn't until our daughter asked us what adoption was. At that point, we knew we needed to start the conversation. Since then, it has been such a blessing and healing process for everyone involved. Both our kids know that they are adopted and we talk about it openly. Their closest friends know that they are adopted as well. When you start to normalize the word adoption, it really opens up so much for the family. We've told our kids that this is their story to tell, so it really is up to them to tell others about their adoption, if they so choose. We are fortunate that we do know about the children's birth parents and have medical histories etc. The best thing is to be open and honest about the adoption process. Make sure the conversation is age appropriate. Our children love hearing stories of what it was like when they first came to live with us and be part of our family. Like many of the previuos resposnes, we have read books to our children about adoption, subscribe to the Magazine "Adoptive Families" There is also a camp in Northern California that offers a week long summer camp experience for adoptive families. We've never been, but heard great things about the camp.

N.,

My husband and I adopted two beautiful children from Guatemala. My son is 2 1/2 and my daughter will be 2 in May. We fortunately have some information about both birth mothers, and we are sharing that information with the kids as is age appropriate.

I have been talking about adoption with my son since the first week he was home in the US with me. At first it was very awkward and felt forced. I think that is why they suggest we start young -- the kids have no idea really what we are saying at that point (my son was only 8 mos old). The more time I spent talking to him about his birth mother, foster mother and his forever mommy (me) the easier it became. We don't talk about it every day, but frequently. My daughter loves to look at photos of her foster mom and my son's foster mom while she cuddles in my lap. We also read books about adoption, such as the two already mentioned, and Happy Adoption Day, Over the Moon, and other books that I think have a great message for adopted children. Adoptive Families magazine is a great resource for adoptive families and they are getting ready to do their summer adoption reading list!

Another thing you might want to think about is creating a lifebook for you children -- it tells the story of their adoption. It isn't about how you came to adopt them, though that can be a part of it, but rather tells their story both before and after they came into your lives.

Hope that helps! I love to talk about adoption and hear different stories, so email me if you want to talk more.

Hi N.. I see that someone below recommended my favorite young children's book about adoptive families -- A Mother For Choco. Another young children's book that can be helpful is called Our Twitchy. You might also like to know about a yahoo group for Southern California adoptive parents: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/southerncalif-losangelesado.... My husband and I are foster-adoptive parents from Los Angeles county and we started a support group of other foster-adoptive families we met around the time our older daughter came into our lives. That group meets once a month at members' homes and our children are growing up together knowing other families that were started the same way their families were started and the adults have steady support from other families who have faced a similar process. I really recommend finding or starting support like that, too. Doing that helps facilitate talking about adoption with your children because all the children in the group also are adopted and knowing other adoptive families helps normalize the fact of adoption for children.

Take care!
-C.

I have adopted twin boys who are 36 years old! We had the same circumstances regarding the limited information and no contact. I'm also a Child Development Speciailst, which didn't help me in terms of raising my own children very often, but sometimes gives me a clearer picture in helping others!

I used the term "adopted" casually when they were pre-schoolers. I waited until the, "How was I born" issue came up. Unfortunately, it came up too soon, at 3 1/2 years. The boy who asked had a hard time when I said that he was born from another woman's body and said "No" several times. I think I would have done better to fudge and wait until they were closer to 5 years of age. But we did go from there with books and brief explanations.
I'm sure there are newer books out now, but I used "Why Was I Adopted?" and shortened it, since it is way too wordy for preschools and toddlers. And, they're not read for the technical details yet. Check Children's Book World on Pico near Overland to see what they have and suggest.

Good Luck! I'm open to more questions!

Judy

I'm not an adoptive parent, but I was adopted. My parents adopted me when I was only 4 months old (I'm 35 now). They too had no information on my birth parents. My mom chose to call me her "little adopted wonder" and one day I simply asked what "adopted" meant. I was only about 3 and a half so of course I do not remember, but because of that, I have just always known I was adopted. Since she did not know much about my birth parents the answers she could give over the years were very limited, but she was always honest and said that if I ever wanted to find out more that she would do what ever she could to help. I honestly think because of this, I never felt that there was any big secret to discover and I have never chosen to find out anything more. My husband was also adopted and he has had a very different experience. He was not told about it when he was younger and, unfortunately, found out in the most horrible way. When he was 8, a cousin teased him that his parents weren't really his parents. It was aweful and I believe it left a permanent scar. He says he felt like he never knew what other secrets his parents were keeping from him. About 5 years ago he chose to look into his adoption and did actually reconnect with his birth mother. They have a great relationship now and even though his adoptive parents claim they are happy for him and want to be supportive, I know it has to make them a bit uneasy. I believe that adopted children should be told from the get go that they were extrememly special and their birth parents must have loved them so very much to make such a sacrifice in order to know that their baby would be well taken care of, provided for and more than anything loved. No matter how you choose to tell your little ones, know that you are an angel sent to them and they are so lucky to have you. You've done a wonderful thing in adopting these children and I wish you the very best.

Hi N.,
First of all, let me say good for you, God bless you. I am not an adoptive Mom, but I am an adopted child. Now in my 30's, I was adopted as an infant (10 days old). My parents told me I was adopted before I really knew what it meant. They breached the subject in response to the normal questions you usually get from your toddler/preschooler. They did not make a big deal about it. Most important they made sure I knew I wasn't different than anyone else. In response to kids who would tease (I was proud and bragged about being adopted apparently) in elementary school, my parents assured me that if anything I was special because they were able to chose me. As a result of the love and security my parents were able to impart on me, I have no issues with being adopted. I am a die hard Daddy's girl. I feel fortunate and greatful that my biological parents cared enough to sacrifice so I could have a well-adjusted, happy childhood.

Reading LC's response. I found it interesting how similar our feelings are about our experience. I do agree that early is better. Any questions about birth parents from the child is normal curiosity. Never take it personal. Usually children who ask feel very secure and therefore feel they can ask. That is a good sign your child feels unconditional love and reinforces how well you are parenting that child.

My adoption was closed too. You can often get the age at birth, physical descriptions, religous, and some medical history information about the birth parents from your adoption agency if domestic.

Please feel free to field me any questions. I have no problems sharing my experience