9 Year Old Daughter Feeling Left Out at School

I agree with all the others who said to have her join some groups: girl scouts, sports teams, classes at the community center, etc. If you are able to volunteer at school that is an excellent way to meet other parents and also observe her in a classroom setting. Maybe she's more shy at school than she is at home? I know it's hard to be the new kid (I was the new kid a LOT!) but I bet if she joins an organized activity or two both of you will be able make some connections. Good luck :)

Been there, Doing that still!!! I moved from MD(28yrs) to WV(2yrs) to CO(3yrs) to CA(4yrs) and now to Texas just 2 1/2 years ago(my husbands job) and still feel new. My youngest is now in 7th grade but was in 5th when we moved here. All three of my kids seem smarter and more mature than their peers. As they age they are separated into more common peer groups ie; National Honor Society, Academic teams, even Bands, Choirs and Athletics here in Texas are separated into honor bands, regular bands etc. The key is to help guide them into these outlets. For example, my 7th grade girl has NO best friends here but several "good" friends. She acquired them through church youth group, softball team and honor choir. It didn't start getting better until middle school which unfortunately coincided with puberty (12-14 year old girls! eerrgh!). As my boys got older (14 and 17 1/2) and went to the older grades they were able to gravitate to like-minded individuals with the same priorities as themselves by searching out the group and classes that cater to advanced kids. I also found that our wonderful library offers FREE language classes for all ages as well as board game clubs (which help strategic thinking skills) cooking classes ... all for FREE! My biggest problem was making sure My kids didn't "dumb themselves down" just to fit in. Now I find that some local kids like my kids because they too are smart and aren't so afraid to show it. Now they all are starting to join the academic teams and sports together. Power in numbers apparently! Keep up the good work. Keep the fork in your hand because dessert is just around the corner!

You have to start joining things. The parent association, girl scouts, soccer, basketball........something. You will meet people. Find out what is going on in her school that you can volunteer for. Go to school events. Volunteer at you food pantry, your daughter can aslo. You both need to make friends. When I moved to our new town I hated it because none of us had friends here. I started joining activities and I have made wonderful friends now. It does take time but hang in there. Good luck!

I am so sorry this is happening. Your daughter sounds wonderful. It is sometimes hard for parents to allow their children to go to someones home that they really do not know anything about you.

Your best bet is to get to know some moms and dads. Volunteer at the school, in the classroom and find activities outside of school your daughter would enjoy. Maybe speak quietly with the teacher and find out other things that may help the 2 of you find some great friends. Start a book club for moms and their daughters?

Scouts, art, music, dance, church whatever. Get her involved in some different things.

At our elementary a parent was realizing how difficult it was for new families to jump into our (I think all) school culture.. She started a "New Parents group". This group made up folders with all sorts of helpful information about everything about our school, groups, and events. Things in the community going on.

She also held monthly gatherings so the new parents could meet up. They talked about everything to do with the school. She would help them find other parents within the school to be their "buddies", so that they could call on this person with questions. This was such a success this group ended up also starting a new group for Incoming Kindergarten parents.

This group would encourage the incoming parents and kids to meet for play dates during the summer, sometimes they would meet in the school library, the librarian would read stories to the little ones and parent volunteers would do projects with these children while the parents met for conversations about preparing their children for kindergarten. Sometimes they met at our neighborhood bakery for coffee. The owner provided space for the kids to play and free, goodies..

Maybe you would consider proposing something like this?

This hurts my heart. It's so hard when we know how wonderful our children are, and others don't. There were some girls being mean to my daughter when she was 9. She came home crying. My heart just broke for her. I think 9 is a little young to for kids to be invited to sleepvoers. My girls just started doing sleepovers and they are 11.

Have you talked to her teacher? Maybe she can see somethings in your daugther that you don't. As mothers we are often blinded by the love we have for our children.

I've lived in my neighborhood for 6 years and even though my kids have friends, I just made my first one.

We have our girls in soccer and they just finished basketball for the first time. We also go to church, so they get more exposure to other kids.

Hi, Nicole:
It is so hard to make friends. No matter what age, but during this
time of your daughter's life it is so important to make friends.

See if there are any girl scout's organization where you live and talk to the
girl scout leader to make certain that she will oversee your daughter being included in.

See if there are any ball teams or cheerleading things or whatever she is interested in to see if they have clubs like that around.

Good luck. D.

I really feel for you because I've been in your same situation! No one told me getting your kid to have friends was such hard WORK!

It has taken us close to 2 years to build up good friendships for my stepdaughter. I have had to do ALL the calling and inviting, and yes I know what you mean about parents not calling you back or feeling like all the moms know each other. Because they do that sometimes.

I would say throw a party for your daughter. It doesn't have to be anything fancy and it doesn't have to be for a birthday. I threw a Halloween party so she could have friends over and I worked REALLY hard to make sure she had friends to come! I called and called, and when they didn't call back I called again. And you know what, a girl came and she became one of my daughter's best friends! We just had a party at the house. Your daughter is 9, how about a pool party?

I'm just going to say that persistence is the key. AND also getting your daughter involved in activities where she might meet some new kids NOT from her school that she has the same interests as.

I also had to hang around with the moms and get to know them. Can you join PTO or volunteer at the school? Getting to know the moms means getting to know the kids! Plus, you can get an idea who you want your daughter to be friends with and encourage that (and discourage others). I sat outside her soccer practices and chatted with all the moms.

It IS work, believe me! It stressed me out for a long time and made me sad that I always had to do the calling. BUT, now my stepdaughter has lots of friends and two best friends and we get called for playdates now too so it was worth it.

Also, there's nothing wrong with your daughter. Kids can be clique-y at that age (my stepdaughter is 8) and the parents too. Friends change from hour to hour as well :) Just keep calling the moms, even if they don't call you back. Usually when they did call me back they apologized and said they were busy and were not at all irritated.

Good luck to you and your daughter! It WILL happen, it's just a lot of work in the beginning!

I have not read the other posts so I am not sure if I am duplicating another response. But we moved this past summer and my kids really didnt make any friends before school started. My daughter had trouble making friends during this school year. She is in 5th grade and a little shy. I talked to her guidance counselor and she completely took care of it. She arranged a lunch in her office and my daughter got to invite a few girls. I guess she spoke to the girls about my daughter being new, etc. It really worked. My daughter has friends, although only attended 1 sleepover so far.

Also, I am not sure how old your daughter is but mine got a cell phone for Christmas. She does pay half of the monthly fee, so she is partly rsponsible for it. But, it has really helped her socialize and fit in. Not sure if that is an option for you though.

Good Luck!!

so sorry to hear about that :( What about taking her to sunday school at church? you could probably volunteer to help out there every few weeks too and meet alot of the kids and their moms.

Get her into a sport or activity--you will then see that group of moms on a regular basis and as they get to know you, things will change....Good luck!

Hi, I totally know how you feel...and my daughter, who is 8 going on nine this July, knows what your daughter is going through, too.

What I found to be helpful? Get out and do things like...if there is a YMCA in your town, go to workout together. Or if you are religiously inclined - try a church. In fact, you can tray lots of different churches to see what you "catch" as far as a fisherwoman's net goes. If you put you and your daughter "out there", in public events, you will meet people and begin your own network of friends for both of you. Trust me, it's a good way to start, that's for sure!

Another thing that I've done is to introduce my daughter and me to our "immediate" neighbors. that is the ones within what I calll a "4 house" distance (if not an entire block) from our home. That way, we all know each other and who knows what friends may await for both or either of you?

Good luck with your search...I know it is a difficult time, and highly frustrating too. My daughter is a happy, bright little girl and she has boys at school tease her for being so "smart". It sort of gives her a stigmata in a sense...but as well, she's keeping her grades up so we keep plugging on. She's made two friends out of her class thus far and we started going to sing in a choir in town, so hey you never know! :)

The suggestions for other activities where parents are present are key. I am only just now starting to sort of know the other moms at my daughter's daycare after a year and about 8 birthday parties (which at daycare level, all the kids are invited, and the parents have to come too, so it's different than for your daughter's age). But even though I now know their names and who's kid belongs to who, we still don't get together or anything. A couple of moms have tossed out the "playdate" suggestion to me, and I haven't made it a point or followed through-neither have they-just because we're all swamped.
But also, if it's a parent who I know has a spouse and a busy schedule who's asking, I don't sweat it, but if it was a single mom, I would make a point to meet up, because I am sensitive to how hard it is after being single a very long time before getting married myself. You feel like everyone else is too busy for you.
Actually, most of MY friends where we live, don't have kids!!! I met them when I first moved here about 5-6 years ago before I had my first and was out more. And many are single. These people are naturally less busy and available more often to talk, meet for a drink, etc. And between caring for my own kids, (my husband travels constantly) doing kid activities and events and RARELY meeting up with a friend or two of my own-that's it for my social calendar. My closest friends from the past are out of state and now phone calls and emails-which also take time.

One key factor that really helped me, is that one friend I met here is extremely social naturally. She networks like a pro and makes a point of attending and hosting lots of "things", so as long as I have a link to her, I can always reach out and find something to attend, or have her help me do something where people are invited, because I too would be that person whose invites went unanswered. Socializing is a gift and an art not everyone has.
But as for the friends I have here (including her), I had to go against my hermit nature and reach out to them, invite them out several times, and accept invites to group nights out that I wasn't in the mood for. It does take work. I think you should find groups in your area you can relate to regardless of parent status, as WELL as do things with your daughter that include parents. If you and your daughter are BOTH socializing, it helps. My social friend has no kids, but has introduced me to several other nice parents.
So, if I were you, I would
1) Look for social activities for yourself and keep an eye out for "social ring leaders"
2) Find activities with your daughter that INCLUDE parents on a repetitive basis. Once you notice one or two moms who seem like people you could get along with, make a move. Don't be afraid to tell people you're new to the area and a single mom and you need friends. If someone told me that, I'd be sure to reach out more.

Be persistent and don't feel bad if it takes time or a few "no answers" before you succeed. You really are new there, even though it seems like so many months. It takes a long time, we don't have the neighborly chivalrous codes today that communities used to have.

Tell your daughter to hang in there too. I had no overnights or parties at that age either. My parents both worked full time and had almost no friends. I always had one or two close friends, not bunches, and no really close friends until junior high-ish.

You know what I recently did? I latched on to two moms having a joint birthday party for their daughters. I did it because my husband was out of town, I was overwhelmed, and I wasn't going to be able to do a party on my own. I went up to the daycare owner and asked for a class list of who had birthdays near my daughter. They were already close friends of each others, with their daughters in gymnastics together as well as daycare, I didn't know them. I horned on in, begged, offered to go in on the costs etc. At first, in my own mind, they seemed annoyed and distant and slow to answer my emails and questions, but I didn't care, I just persevered, offered to do most of the work, stayed chipper. By the end of the 2 week planning ordeal and the party that was way better with three people's input, we all get along and know each other. Don't be afraid to approach people who are already friends and be pushy. You know you and your daughter are nice, they will learn too!

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My heart breaks for her. My 10 yr old recently told me that her best friend, who had to switch classes because she couldn't keep up academically, is ignoring her and hanging out with girls in her new class. They were BF's since kindergarten and she is so hurt. A few of her other friends have seemed to hang out in pairs. So of course since there are 5 of them she is the "spare". They will chit chat at lunch, but at recess, 2 girls go off together and the other two (parents are buddies and they live next door to each) are inseparatable. This seems to be the age where their lil' attitudes change and they form cliques. I spoke to her teacher and I was surprised to hear that the teacher knew she was "lonely" because she heard the girls commenting on how my daughter is the smart kid in the class. (She has 100 average in a lot of subject and has won academic competitions in school). The teacher had actually taken her aside one day and whispered to her that the girls were jealous. Maybe she's right? I told my daughter that in September JHS will be starting and you'll meet a bunch of new kids. So far---so good. I know she is still a little bit "down" about the situation. I have ALWAYS been the parent to have the fun playdates over the last 10 yrs with my kids. Well, once I stopped and only told the parents that if the kids want to get together we have to go out or to the park, etc. There were maybe 3-4 playdates they each had at these other friend's houses. Some parents, I've learned feel like it's babysitting and not a playdate for their kid. I suggest having her join girl scouts, a sport, ceramics or art class, or even a vacation bible school in the summer (usually free and very nice people). Let's us know what happens. Good luck!!

:( aww I feel so badly for her and you too. Is she really shy? I know sometimes a shy child can come across as anti-social or unfriendly. Does she have friends that she plays with at school? I moved a lot growing up and it was always hard being the new kid. It took me some time as well to make a nice niche of friends. I think I was just persistent. If someone couldn't hang out one time...I'd ask another time...and just keep asking. Not harass them or anything...but just because someone can't make it to one playdate doesn't mean they didn't want to be invited the next time.

It is really hard because you can't force anyone to play with her...but shame on the parents for not at least being courteous enough to call back and say they can't participate in a playdate. I think that's very rude. But also, some people are weird about playdates if they don't know the other parent. Have you met/talked to some of these parents?

Is she involved in any after school activities? Maybe she could meet new friends there. Or in your neighborhood?

I wish you the best of luck. I wish I had advice that would solve the problem. I hope she makes some new friends soon.