7 Year Old Angry at Home

OMG! I have the exact same thing with my almost 6 year old son. It is awful! I haven't been able to find a solution. A lot of other moms tell me "this too will pass" - that doesn't help much, but seeing that I really am not alone with it gives me hope that it really is just some phase.

Hi N.,

I feel for you. I have a first grader that I would like to see smile and giggle more. He's very moody, at times, and extremely sensitive. He has more trouble talking/getting along with his Dad. This is just my two cents (my husband was resistant at first) but I took my son to talk with a therapist in Stoughton, once a week, now every two weeks. It's a non-stressful, play session where they chat, and little things pop up in their discussion that are helpful to us at home. It's not for everyone, but I wanted to stop little behavior from turining into big behavior - and see him happier overall!

As my oldest daughter's second grade teacher once told me, "A kid has to have some place to put the bad stuff." This is just another version of a shocked parent learning that little Johnnie is "The most polite child I've ever met," as reported by his teacher/playdate's mother/soccer coach/etc.... Alas, you are his parent - not his teacher, friend or classmate, but that doesn't mean he can be abusive. Set your standards, but give yourself some giggle, wiggle room, too. I don't mean to sound preachy, but most of us Moms are so busy with the details that we forget open-ended play time. Ask your son if he wants to play ball, ride his bike with you, garden or go to the zoo and then DO IT. It's so stressful to be a parent sometimes - nevermind all the other roles. It sounds to me like your husband can let go a bit more with him. Take care. I hope this helps!

Hi N.
I have 2 things for you.I would recammend to do both
they are the easiest solutuons, Try barrowing from library 123 magic it is 2 hrs dvt and it works like magic
another one is a book called Tamper Flares by Dawn Huebner
I got this one from amazon.com My son now recognizing other kids bad behavior and pointing out "wow he has tamper" after 2 weeks of using these two tacnics
Good luck

Well, you might be ALLOWING him to treat you like a doormat just to keep the peace. Trust me, I am not faulting you. I have done it myself with my teenage son. BUT, in the end, we only hurt ourselves and get LESS respect. My idea: when he is angry, stomping, say LOUDLY and with AUTHORITY, just what you said above: "I WILL NOT BE TREATED LIKE DIRT. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR." He will probably shut up immediately. If not, then put him in his room and stand at the door for a 7 minute time out (his age). He is still young enough. (Unfortunately, doesn't work too well with teenagers!) THEN STAND THERE AND WAIT. If he sees you there, he will just sit. It's better for you to waste 7 mins. of your time than to have the behavior continue, no? As for whining, say the same thing, "THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. I WILL NOT LISTEN TO WHINING. When you are ready to talk normally, come and see me." and then walk away. Well, good luck if you decide to use these tips!

Hi N.,
First clue: your son is the older sibling to a brother?sister? Did his anger begin when his younger sibling appeared, or before the birth of your second child? You mentioned that this behavior doesn't present with others, either inside or outside your home. It sounds, to me, that he is reacting to the change in status (he had you and dad to himself for 3-4 years) and limited time he has from working parents. [Done that, never enough time in the day!!] The piano lessons are one-on-one; your son isn't sharing the piano teacher's attention--he is the focus and is obviously happy in the spotlight. I'm not a clinician, so this is my opinion as a layperson, mom, grandmom. I would set aside some time with your son in the garden (let him plant something) or with an easel(let him paint/draw something). Here's an analogy; what happens if you don't give a plant enough attention? It may not morph into a Venus Flytrap, but it won't look too good either.

I have little to offer you for advice for an angry child.
I have had some children like that and like you, walked away many times.

I have one pithy little saying, fraught with profundities , that has stood well the test of time.
IF YOU DO NOT FIGHT, THERE IS NO FIGHT.
It takes the second person being angry to have a fight, argument, what have you.

If your children are treating you with disrespect it is because you are allowing them to. You are the parent, either you are in control or they are. He is still at a tender age and capable of learning respect. What you do now establishes the basic foundation of your parenting for the duration. What you allow now you will get tenfold when they are teenagers.

Now, I can tell you this. My siblings and I got precious little parenting...I mostly raised my siblings being the oldest girl. Isnt that nice? A nine year old raising three babies?
My father was a teacher and when he got home he had nothing left for us.
Granted he "saved" a great many youngsters from a wasted life and gave them direction that ensured they did not end up drunks working from bottle to bottle.
He passed nearly thirty years ago and his ex students are still coming to me and praising what he did for them.

BUT ...he did little for us, his own five children.

Your children are your primary responsibility. YOUR family, YOUR kids.
If you cannot manage teaching and parenting, perhaps it is time to find something else to do.

That being said, I truly do understand where you are coming from. I worked at a day care center as a referee ( hehehe) and a cook. I would get home just as my own seven children were arriving home from school.
After being calm, cool, and collected all day at the day care, after cooking all day at the day care ( breakfast, snack, lunch, snack) it was extremely difficult to come home and be patient and cook for nine people.
I was not nearly as much of a mother after working at day care all day....so far removed I finally realized I was turning into my father and I quit . I found another PT job I could handle emotionally.
I do think you need some advice about how to deal with your very angry boy...he is so young to be so angry.
Have you asked him why?
Could it be because he feels he doesnt really have a mum?
Does he have his own plot in the garden?
Do you let him paint beside you?
What about working PT? As a substitute?
You may need to make some sacrifices to help him, yes? And find that you help yourself as well.

I dont mean to sound as harsh as this sounds, truly ,but I have such an abrupt way of verbalizing.

Very best wishes and God bless
Grandmother Lowell

Hi N.,
I can relate to how you're feeling about giving so much of yourself to your students that you don't have anything left for your own kids. I'm a paraprofessional at our local high school and there are certain days that I have an especially challenging class of kids that I work with ( one night I found silly putty in my hair when I came home! ). I also like to garden and am an artist. I have two children; a son who turns 16 in a few days and a daughter who is 13. My son and I have a very similar personality type and my daughter is more like my husband. When my son was younger, I wanted to home school him, but correcting his work was like pulling teeth with him. We would argue too much to the point that I worried if I pushed him, he would hate learning. I decided that putting him in school would be for the best. It wasn't an easy decision.
With your situation, since your husband works well with him, let him be the one to do the piano practice and homework if need be. Talk to your husband about your son's behavior and be on the same page with each other about discipline and correction so that you back each other up and that you are consistent with whatever you decide. Look for those moments when your child wants you and make yourself available- go for a walk. play catch outside, go for a bikeride, listen when they want to share something with you. Just the other day, my daughter and I went to a ladies tea together and when we got home, she said, "Let's paint!" What an opportunity! She talked about things almost non-stop for maybe an hour and a half! My son likes to read "Manga" books online. Often he'll come out just to share something that he finds interesting while I may be watching a show. I'll pause the show just so I can listen to him.
Try to have your husband talk with your 7 year-old and find out what may be triggering the frustration and poor behavior. Make sure you always let your kids know that you love them always, and because you are their mom, you love them enough to correct their bad behavior when they show it.
I hope that in time you will enjoy your 7-year old and get to know him for who he is.
God Bless!
H. Y.

I'm 47, married 21+ years with two teens, boy 16 & girl 13. I work full time as a paraprofessional at a local high school. I love walking, gardening, reading and am an artist! :)

I'm sure someone else might mention this but have you looked at his diet? is he allergic or sensitive to wheats? Gluton, sugers? food coloring? etc. I would talk to his pediatrician and get him tested and also a homeopathic as well. It might be something to look into. I would also talk to his teachers to see if he is like this at school. If he isn't, ask them what techniques they are using. Also, he may need a nap after school, he may need more snacks. If kids have low blood suger they get moody, I know I do. I always had to eat after school and take a nap or I was miserable. Have you tried talking to him and asking him why he is acting up. Did something happen at school? Maybe he needs alone time after school just to cool off. Does he need help with controlling his moods, he made need to learn some new techniques, breathing techniques, counting etc. I wish you the best.

OMG! My husband has much more patience in some areas with our son and can get the giggles out of him much better than me. It's maddening! I feel your pain! (I used to think I was an incredibly patient person until I got married and had a child. And *POOF* that patience went out the window.)

That being said, I've learned a lot about myself over the years (our son is 12) and have realized that I have certain expectations that get in the way of my relationship with our son. Does your husband just respond to the moment and get your son out of it? I tend to get all balled up in the big picture, responding angrily that he's not responding the way I want him to, and then I fear this will be a pattern that will affect him in his life as a whole, and I freak out, responding more harshly than the situation may warrant.

Does this sound familiar at all? If so, chill in those moments...and...take it one step at a time. (It's a small battle you're dealing with, not the entire war, right?) Stay in the moment, rather than seeing it as a larger failure that undermines your skills as a parent or teacher. And...if this doesn't sound familiar, just ignore me. : )

But seriously, I learned a lot by reading "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Ironically, I realized I might be the spirited one in the relationship instead of my son. It was sometimes (not all the time) my response that fed the reaction.

However, there was also something else going on. My husband and I respond very differently to our son and to the world at large, and we have very different expectations with respect to behavior. I'll admit, I'm somewhat of a perfectionist that wreaks havoc on occasion. But I also expect a person to be respectful...even when they're angry.

Anger is one of many emotions we all have. It's healthy to express it at times. But when it becomes a habit, it can be destructive.

The problem was that my husband unconsciously, and sometimes consciously, was undermining my relationship with our son. And we all played right into it. Our son's behavior began to manifest itself as anger and I began to be the "mean parent" and my husband the "nice parent".

It took us years to work up to finally going to a family counselor last year. It was greatly helpful. I realized that half of my anger toward our son was actually anger toward my husband. I love my husband dearly, but he can be very flip and sarcastic at times. He also can dance around real issues with humor, rather than dealing with them head-on. And, truth be told, I can sometimes wimp out on what I think is best in a particular situation when they don't like what I'm saying. In the long-run, I was just getting more and more angry at them both and they played the "mom's being unreasonable" part with a flourish, abdicating their own responsibility for the situation as well.

Our son has come around to realizing that we, the parents, and he, the kid, can be jerks at times and we can also be good listeners and great support to each other at other times. It's a delicate balance that always needs work. Sometimes our kids are our best teachers for getting us all to look at things with a clear lens.

Years ago, I read a bunch of books by Harriet Goldhor Lerner. They're great and they're all part of a series I call the "Dance" books--The Dance of Anger, The Dance of Intimacy, The Dance of Connection, and yes... The Mother Dance. I find myself thinking it's time to read them again. They might be helpful for you, too.

I still think I get treated like dirt sometimes, yet it's a lot better than it used to be. I have to remember to hold myself responsible for my behavior and for them to hold up their sides of the bargain as well--to stop the overfunctioning tendency and the underfunctioning tendency. A friend of mine always used to say that whining is stuck crying. And our job is to figure out what the true issue is at hand.

So, I feel your pain. I hope this helps.