4 Yr Old Won't Poop in Toilet

You mention he is very strong willed, and wonder how to win a battle of wills. My son is also like this (strong willed, especially on the potty issue). I completely refuse to fight with him. I just let him go (whether this means run naked or go back to baby diapers). When he wanted to do something fun, especially nintendo, I calmly told him that it was something for big boys, and that big boys go in the potty. No fight, just a matter of fact statement. It was always something he wanted NOW, becuase school is just too far off for him to make a difference. I refused to fight, argue, or yell, but would not give in. It took a few months, but once he saw that I wouldn't fight and I wouldn't back down, he was 100% trained in a week. Good luck

I think he has hang-ups about this because you have hang-ups about this. You need to let go. There are some things you just can't control and potty training is one of them. Let him have control of this one. Boys potty train when they are good and ready. My oldest son didn't potty train until he was 3. I told him he couldn't go to preschool until he was potty trained. He literally held up until the week before preschool started. That doesn't mean he didn't have accidents. Accidents are bound to happen. Boys get caught up in other things and forget to go potty. It's not that they enjoy being wet or sitting in their own mess. It's just that there are other things that are important to them. Now my oldest is 5 and he still struggles to make it through the night. I've tried everything. I thought it was a bad habit. I've talked to doctors and they said not to worry about it. He is just not physiologically ready. It's difficult to not worry about it because we know how cruel kids can be. Also, it makes a parent feel like a failure when her child doesn't meet a milestone. Whenever your son is successful, praise him. Ignore the accidents. He won't do this forever.

With us, my mom used peer pressure (for sucking thumb, etc). The statement was something like, "When you start school, the other kids will make fun of you if you keep up [that behavior]." I don't remember her making the comments but she said it was super effective when she had run out of other ideas.

Dear T.,
My daughter has been withholding bm since she was 2. We had the same issue of not wanting to go in the potty or at all and trying everything to get her to go. What made the biggest difference for us is sitting down with her and asking why she didn't want to go in the potty. She was scared that it was going to hurt due to constipation and it hurting before. She would then hold it for days causing a large blockage and it would hurt to go. We now have to give her milk of magnesia every other day and we had to talk her through the fact that it wasn't going to hurt because we gave her medicine.
We also sat down and decorated a potty chart and every 5 times she went she got a reward (her choice) until after 15 times she got to go to preschool. We made a huge deal after everytime she went by singing and chocolate and calling grandma plus stickers that she picked out put on the potty chart.
What worked for my sister's 4 year old was that everytime he had an accident she would take something away from him that he really loved such as his favorite animal or money from his piggy bank. Hope this helps! Good luck.

T. W.

My son had this same problem. I swore that I would be sending him to kindergarten in diapers! I too had tried all of the rewards, bribes, etc. and nothing else worked. We tried very hard to emphasize that "big boys" did not go in their pants, but nothing seemed to get through to him. What finally worked for us was this:

I told him that only "babies" go in their pants, and if he was going to act like a baby, them I'm sorry, he was going to have to eat baby food. I bought the nastiest, yuckiest looking and smelling baby food (peas, some sort of processed meat!), and when he had an accident I made him eat a bite or two. It only took two times, and he was totally potty-trained.

It worked like a charm!

Have you tried talking to him and/or checking out library books about where your poop goes when you flush? For some odd reason a lot of kids are very worried about this. They feel like they are losing a part of them :(

Good Luck!
K.

I agree with the other advice. A lot of kids won't poop in the toilet because they think it's a part of them (like an arm) that you are getting rid of. Books and videos can help. I've also known people who name their poops or sing good-bye songs to the poop before flushing. That can sometimes help. Good luck.

if nothing else works including disciplines like grounding, time out, etc, then try spanking as a last resort.

I so feel your pain; I have a 3 year old who will be 4 in August who won't pee or poop in the potty. This week we have "run out" of diapers ie.I refuse to buy more. Generally he will go in his pull-up which defeats the whole purpose of them to my mind. Sometimes I can get him to pee in the potty but the amount of time he spends sitting on the potty, it was bound to happen. Sometimes he refuses point blank (he is also very strong-willed)then pees down his leg 5 minutes later. Are we expecting too much from these little people? sometimes I wonder if he really gets it because he'll pee in the potty, then dispute the fact that he went. Any advice you get I would be so grateful if you would pass along. I am fortunate in that his preschool takes kids who are not potty-trained yet - he is one of only 2 boys who are still not trained....but I am almost at the end of my rope and so TIRED of this battle.

M. (SAHM to 2 boys, 6 and 3)

I had the same problem with my son years ago. He too was bright enough to know where to go (he did pee in the toilet)but strong willed enough to not want to poop there. And yes, I had tried every type of incentive, reward, video, book, explanation, etc. for trying to get him fully trained. In fact, his 2 year younger sibling was fully trained at this point. So,one day,at age 4 and 1/2 I told him he was too big for diapers or pull-ups and he would only wear underwear from now on. I explained that if he CHOSE to poop in his underwear he would have to help me clean it up. It wasn't fun for that day having him take off the dirty, and take him to the laundry room to clean the mess but it was effective in getting him to realize this was not fun big kid behavior. After only 2 times of pooping in underwear, HE DECIDED that he WANTED to use the potty and never had an accident again (even at night). When I helped him see that he was choosing to make the mess, and that he would then have to help clean it up, it seemed to turn on "light bulb" for him. Good luck.

I can't help tons, my four year old is still not pooping in the potty and I also am at my witts end... and my two year old shows no real interest and I am pregnant... with that out... my oldest did have an intestinal issue that we are treating... I just think he is past the issue and no being kinda lazy and also doesn't understand that poop can be pushed out you don't have to wait until it falls out (that's kinda a gross way to say it, sorry) Anyway I agree with a couple of the comments... My son went back to diapers and it didn't seem to work... he began peeing in them so he now wears white boring briefs... we have should him the cool underwear and told him he can have whatever kind of underwear he wants when he starts using the potty. We also do alot of praising and potty presents (little dollar store gifts) If he goes so many times in a row or so many days in a row without accidents... I really don't have the energy to fight it much now and the consequence for pooping pants is washing them at this point and then he also has to stand in the shower and wash himself off, He is quite disgusted with the whole thing and I hope it works... we have been at it for three days. However, as I stated before he has had intestinal issues for 2years that we have been resolving through medication under doctors orders and the doctor has said that he should stay on the medication until he can poop in the potty on his own (no accidents) for at least a week... and then slowly take him off it.

Good Luck- Hard headed, strong willed little boys are hard to deal with it seems on this issue...

My 4 year old was the same way. We finally bought a children's suppository...It forced her to go on the toilet. We only had to use it a few times. She just didn't know how to make herself go on the potty, so we helped her out. Once she'd gone a couple times, she started to get the hang of it.