4 Yr Old Tantrums

Hi L.,
I so understand how frustrating this can be. First, what Julie T wrote is pretty much what I agree with.
I am a twin, and believe me, all the twin comparison thing does is irritate.
Here are a few things I used with my son:
Tantrum rule: Anything you tantrum about you automatically don't get. This was so effective! Eventually, when I could see the possible start of a tantrum, I could remind him of the rule, and remind him about speaking to me calmly, and he was able to speak to me instead of tantruming.
I would say things like: I understand that you are upset right now. I really want to hear what you have to say. When you are screaming, I don't understand you. I need to speak calmly so that I can hear.
Take three deep breaths: I would help him to pause and take 3 deep breaths. I would breathe with him, and by the third one, I would be making a funny face as I did it, and usually, not only would he be calmer, then we'd be laughing as well.

The main thing is to let him know that you do care about hearing him and understanding his feelings, AND that there are guidelines for how to speak appropriately that he needs to follow.

We've all been there!
Take care,
M.

I read a book by the head of Yale's Child Development Center called Parenting the Defiant Child. The author is Kazdin. It was very helpful for us. Good luck!

*Adding this: keep in mind, that gender wise, girls mature faster... in all ways, and are usually more emotionally mature. Boys, develop "later." Thus, don't "expect" him to be like his sister... they are 2 different beings. Boys, develop a LOT differently. I know, I have a boy and a girl. You CANNOT compare them.

The book "Your 4 Year Old" is great. Its a series of books on each age-set, and about what each age is like, so the parent can understand them. Although written years ago, it is still very pertinent and timeless.

He is obviously frustrated... he is having growing pains, which is not easy for him either.

I would also teach him the names for each feeling, ie: happy, sad, mad, frustrated, etc. so that he can communicate that to you.... and teach him "coping skills" to manage his frustrations... with my daughter for example, I even tell her that grown-ups get "frustrated" too, and we are not perfect... but "let's try and work on it TOGETHER...." and then I sit with her and even "let her" get her pent up frustrations out... because it is good for a child to know that they are 'okay' but that we will help them through it.... instead of just putting a "punishment" on them.

Boys especially, NEED to learn how to express their feelings, and that it's okay to have feelings and that someone is there for them.... regardless of how they are. For example: I know as an adult, it makes ME feel better that when I am in a bad mood... that my husband is there for me and we can talk about it without him "criticizing" me for it. Kids, in their own way, are the same.

With my kids, when they are like that... the more I am attentive to them, the less they act out. I will actually pick them up, hug them, show some kind of empathy... and then they deflate.... in time.

Also, make sure he is getting enough sleep/naps. When a kid is overtired, they get more "fussy" and moody. And sometimes, just having a quiet time, helps them to regulate their moods...

I know it's not easy... but 4 years old is an age where they are still "baby" but yet, are expected to act like a "big boy" and sometimes they just can't or are not ready to yet.
They are changing a LOT at this age. So they need to learn coping skills and problem solving for their difficulties.

I also use the "whispering" technique with my kids, and it helps... but only if my child KNOWS that I am present with them and empathizing.

And, kids do NOT like being "compared" to their sibling... it creates animosity and the feeling like they are not good enough or perfect enough.... they want to be themselves. *And, if one child is ALWAYS the one being the "example" it can set them up for hang-ups or frustrations too, or feeling like they HAVE TO be "perfect." And this can add stress to a child. It becomes a BURDEN to them, emotionally and mentally.

And, try and simply ASK your son "why" he is feeling like that. I do that with my daughter from when she was younger, so that she would "learn" how SHE is feeling and learn to explain it to me.... without being afraid of saying so. And now at her current age, she is a VERY articulate girl who is very aware of gauging herself and others... it has given her "wisdom" that is beyond her age.

Good luck, you will get many suggestions here,
Susan

My two rules of thumb are this: I do not give in to emotional terrorists; and, If you throw a fit, you absolutely will not get what you want -- uh-huh, no way, absolutely not. Consistency is the key for this. It takes a while for our kids to learn that mom is a hard a$$ but once they figure out that screaming and yelling do not work with mom (and this may take a while), they get it that that kind of behavior will get them no where.

When my children act up like this (and it is only natural to do so) and it looks like they are going to drag it on for a bit, because I am not a very patient person and I don't like a lot of noise, I will send them to the naughty corner until they are able to control themselves. When they finally calm down, I explain to them how they could have asked for what they wanted better but make it very clear that they are not getting what they want this time because they threw a fit. I also make them say sorry to me and make a point of telling them how sad they mad mommy by behaving they way they did.

Hope this helps.

My son used to through long lasting tantrums.
What work for me are three different techniques.
1st) a got a clear glass and as my son tears will be coming down, I will tell him to cry harder and louder and let more tears fall. I told him I was collecting his tears and the sound of his tantrum (voice) as every drop of tear and noise he made was worth a lot of genius power and some other little boy might want it, for that little boy who gets his genius also gets his power.
a)the thought of sharing his tears was not a good idea one for little one. b) asking him to cry harder and let more tears was hard for him to concentrate on his tantrum, just because now he had to hold his tears and his tantrum so like that he didn't have to give away his power.

2nd) When my son threw a tantrum inside a store and I had him seating on the shopping cart, (make sure he is wearing the shopping cart seat belt) what I did was I walked away a few feet away. (Before walking away let him/her know the following and then walk away. "honey that is embarrassing what you doing, I don't know you right now, I guess you want everyone to see you crying, look honey everyone is now looking at you. "

3rd) Whisper to him/her when they want to scream or are screaming. "Sorry, honey I cannot hear you, oops I can see your power going away."

I use the tools above and to this day, my son has not thrown a full blown tantrum.

The first thing you shouldn't do is to put his sister as an example , kids hate that.Next look at the whole scene ,what triggers his behavior .Always tell children in advance about cause and consequence.A four year old child can understand.If the child has all his needs covered,let him cry ,then ask him to stop crying and tell you what's bothering him ,If you don't stop crying I can't understand what you saying,stop,stop,now tell me.Also give the child 2 options,that's going to be your options not his. If you stop crying I'm going to give you so, and so,If you don't stop this is what is going to happen to you ,but you need to have those two options already on mind ,program yourself first.If you think you did all you had to do ,just let him cry in his room and tell him ,when you are ready to talk to me come out and tell me ,give him the words "you need to said mommy I'm ready to talk" and tell the child how to use words of apology children don't know, you are their first teachers.good luck.Be patience pray God will listen to you.

Hi L., Soft speach doesn't work when a child is having a fit of anger, becasue the crying drowns out a soft tone. He needs to have coinsenquiences for this behavior, or he will think that it's OK. I'm surprised that your husabnd sugested a soft voice, we had a no tatrum policy in our h ome, and my husband nip that in the bud first time any of our tots came even close to a tatrum. Giving him his way, will teach him tatrums work, put him in his room, and tell him when you are done you can come out, but don't give in, if you think a tartum of a 4 year old is bad, think about when he's 5 or 6 or older. Nip this in the bud now, he where here the work no his whole life, and have times when he wont get what he wants. J.

I also have a four yr old boy that does this. He is so sweet and loving, lots of kissed. But don't cross him. My new method is just sending him to his room. He is still angry. He stops all the way up the stairs. But the screaming is not very long. He cools down faster. I tell him it's fine to be angry and cry, but he needs to do it in his room. Good Luck! J.

I would eliminate dairy from his diet and then gluten/wheat after awhile. Kids who react in that manner are often times casein(dairy) and gluten sensitive. Food sensitivities and allergies can cause kids to react that way. See if dairy elimination helps for a couple of weeks. It takes awhile to leave their system, but really, try it for a few weeks. He may act up MORE with eliminating dairy but it will get better after that. I would highly encourage you to try it though. Has worked for friends of mine. Hang in there.

First of all, stop comparing him to his sister. He's going to end up resenting her, and is still going to tantrum. Also, remember that he's a boy. They develop much more slowly than girls. You are blessed to have a husband that understands that kids will not listen to somoene who is yellling. Keep your voice low, and calm. After all, how can you tell him to stop yelling when you are?

It sounds like he may need help learning to express his frustration and anger. If I were you I'd seek out a good child therpist and get him some help. A little intervention now is really going to pay off. Good luck.

L. S

Your son needs to know he cannot act this way and this is not acceptable behavior. Also, don't use your daughter as an example, this is showing your son you have a favorite child. Don't back off, hold your ground and don't let his tantrums get to you (I know this is easier said than done). I did not have this problem as when my children were smaller I gently slapped their leg and told them no, by the age of 4 they did not think of acting up. Time outs work as well, and when you walk away from the chair you son is sitting in he will soon find out this behavior will stop or there will be consequences. Above all stand firm. My suggestions may be a bit sharp for your taste, however, my three children have turned out very well. good luck

I don't know if this will work but it did for me. When my son got over tired he would also act the same way. Then i found quite by accident that if i put warm water in the tub and his bath tub toys he would immediately calm down. This normally hapened before nap or before bed time. On days that he wouldn't take his nap he'd get that way shortly after dinner, so after his bath he was calmed down and ready for a story and bed. Hope this helps. I do know when they get this way there is no reasoning with them.

Hi L.,
I have the same problem with my 4yr old son as well! What I found that works best for me is that when he starts his fits, is I put him in his room for a time out to cool down, sometimes I have to pick him up and put him in there because he is a fighter. I tell him that he is NOT in trouble but he just needs to calm down and relax so that Mommy doesn't get upset too. If his fits continue, I will go sit with him in his bed and start rubbing his back, and fingers in the hair, it only takes a minute for him to calm down from that point... all the while I am reassuring him that he is Not in trouble, he just needs to calm down so that I can understand him. It usually works within minutes and I tell him when he is fully relaxed he can come out. That is what has worked best for me, I have 4 children and he is by far the most challenging!!! Good Luck!
~ C. ~

I remember those days. Everytime you give in and give him what he wants he knows his fits work. A time out spot worked well with my kids. I would make them sit on the bottom step of the stairs and ignore them until they quit, then they could get up. At first it was a battle of wills, but after they figured out I wasn't going to let them win it got easier. After awhile just the mention of setting on the step would make them shape up. This is hard, but it is best to get it under control now. My cousins son threw fits when he didn't get his way, and she always gave into him. Now he is 10 and still having fits its awfull! Good luck, Dana

Wow, L., that sounds awful. I'm sorry! I'm sure you've already tried this, but just in case...

Have you tried telling your son that you can't hear him when he cries, but if he uses his "big boy" voice, you'll be able to help him and until he can use his "big boy" voice, he'll need to cry in his room? My youngest son was a whiner and this technique worked for us.

In the meantime, you might try the book "Parenting with Love and Logic" (I don't remember the author). I use their "Teaching with Love and Logic" in my high school classroom and it's amazingly effective, not to mention liberating for me.

You might also research the parenting philosophy of John Rosemond (several books and a website). His style is very 1950's/old school...a nice counterpoint to may of today's philosophies. I've used many of his techniques with great success as well.

Between these two resources, I hope you'll find something useful. Good luck.

My 7 y.o. is the same way. Try reading "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It helps you to understand his temperament (and yours) a little better and gives strategies on how to work with him a little better. It really helped for us, although, my daughter's personality does not change. I think she will always be emotional, or mercurial, or moody, I guess there are lots of words to describe it. But these qualities show that you son knows what he wants and he is frustrated because he is a child and is not in the position to work for and achieve everything he wants. He is very driven, and this will serve him well in the future. It is pretty hard to deal with as a child, though. Read the book, it may help.

Hi L.!

I understand that it's hard not to get frustrated when a tantrum goes on and on and then on some more. First of all, you don't want to use his sister as an example, as that may just make him feel like he's not as good as his sister, he doesn't "measure up". Also, I would agree with your husband to try to remain and talk as calmly as possible, because kids very easily pick up on our frustration and it will usually just build the tantrum even more. I was wondering... have you tried talking him through it by explaining what you see? You can say... I see that you are angry, frustrated (whatever the feeling may be). I hear you crying/screaming really loud. I see you kicking your feet, swinging your arms, etc... Once he calms down some and looks up/at you, you can take the opportunity to talk with him. Ask him to tell you what is going on... what has made him so angry. It may seem weird, but it really can work!! It helps them be to learn how to express their feelings. If it's not working and he just keeps up with the tantrum, then you can offer him choices. "You can choose to stop crying and talk with me, continue playing, etc... or you can choose to go cry in your bedroom." I have found that offering my children "controlled choices" has really helped.

I would recommend the book "The 10 Committments: Parenting with Purpose" By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller. It's very easy reading, and has awesome techniques.

Good Luck,
J.
A SAHM/WAHM with two daughters(6 & 3).