Meltdowns/tantrums - How to Control Them

Some great advice already.
Try to quickly understand the tantrum from her point of view, and express that out loud for her with words. It helps if she feels like she's understood.
I think everybody works this way but esp. toddlers- "you REALLY want that cookie. You want it now!" Help her express- the more she learns emotional regulation + verbalization then part of the need for tantrums goes away, but until she develops those things, help her out! Vocalize with words that are simple what she's going through, then sympathize to help regulate those emotions.
Ugh- it's tough!

1) If she is in the midst of throwing a fit and does "not" want any help or comfort, then don't. Let HER gauge the rhythm to it. This does NOT mean you are letting her "control" things... it MEANS, that you are "allowing" her to gauge HERSELF and become self-reliant with her moods.
- that is how my daughter is. I LEARNED that when I contradict "her" request that she just vent on her own, that THAT is when it turns into a FULL-blown tantrum. Because "I" did not take a hint nor let her trust herself, nor me trust in her.

If she bonks herself in the midst of a tantrum or scream-fest... then just, if SHE wants, comfort her... without 'scolding' or lecturing.... comforting does not mean there has to be words exchanged. It can be totally silent. Just hugs.

For me and my Daughter's "personality" I have learned how to gauge her and to learn about HER. THUS, I know instinctively now, when she will vent and needs to, when it will get better, what will irk her MORE (usually my fault because I am not "hearing" her), and what will help deflate it.

I have found, with Tantrums/upsets, that my daughter either needs (1) her own time to vent/tantrum (she genuinely knows she is grumpy) (2) an understanding moment with me so she knows I accept her UN-conditionally (3) food or rest or she is over-tired (4) that something IS genuinely wrong but she hasn't found the patience to EXPLAIN it ALL to me at the moment because she is frustrated, so I let her take a DEEP breath and then I just tell her that she can come to me when SHE is ready and we will talk about it and she can tell me ANYTHING under the sun, and I will listen and love her and not judge her (5) I have found that if all else fails and I take-away things from her including myself, that this makes things WORSE. THUS, we tell my daughter she can go in her room... and just YELL and scream all she wants... as long as she does NOT hurt or yell at anyone else... that this is her SAFE area. We have found that it is important for a child to have a "safe area" in which they can just let-loose and vent whenever they need to, INCLUDING WHEN THEY ARE MAD AT US too. Yah, they get mad at us, the Mom, too. But then, after that, me and my girl always talks about it. She knows she can tell me anything and she usually feels better after that.

Also, with my girl, what works well with her is explaining in a respectful way, what is expected/why/why not/how etc., and that just barking 'orders' at her does NOT work. My daughter NEEDS logical articulated honest 'reasons' and explanations... otherwise she gets miffed because she KNOWS we are just bluffing.

Teach her how to EXPRESS herself.... and that there will always be a time that she can tell you anything for any reason and that she will be loved & trusted UNconditionally no matter what... EVEN in the midst of a storm. THAT is what my kids respond to. They HATE feeling me/Daddy are 'disappointed' in them or mad at them.

And yes, sometimes you just have to let them tantrum/yell without doing anything. Kids really need to get out their yah-yah's sometimes. Adults TOO. For me, an adult, I tell my Hubby sometimes (before he interrupts me mid-conversation) that sometimes I just HAVE to vent and then I will be fine... I just need an ear and NOT "fixing" or judgment or criticism. Kids too...

All the best,
Susan

We had the same problem with our son who is now 5 and recently found out there was more to it. In the process of working with a behavior therapist he gave us a great tip that works with our two year old also. When he loses it they have to at some time breath and when they stop for a second we praise him greatly for stopping all on his own. It is odd but it works great. We make a big deal of his good choices and minimize the interaction when he is having a meltdown. If he is screaming and yelling we send him to his room without a lot of fanfare and let him come out when ready. We don't put a lot of words into it as that is an unintentional reward. We do make a big deal out of good behavior and good choices. Wish I would have had this tool when he was younger. ALSO we really stress using his words which is different for a 2 year old but it is still good to emphasize using their words.

Ok so you probably will laugh...

When my daughter has tantrums I grab my cell phone and start video recording her. If she starts to calm down I tell her "oh no don;t stop I really want to show you what this looks like" she totally stops. I show her the video and she is embarassed to see how she is acting. SHE HATES IT. So it calms her down and then we can talk about what is going on. When she is going bonkers there is no reasoning. So if you **can** get her to calm down then you can talk. And then you get a good laugh too, which we sometimes REALLY need.

I don't know if this will help you, but when my 2 year old is throwing a fit, I tell him that his yelling hurts my ears and he has to do it in his room. He knows the routine now; when he begins to meltdown I tell him "You have to cry in your room because it hurts my ears." He goes there himself, cries for a few minutes, and comes out when he's done. In the beginning, if he came out while still crying, I'd gently pick him up and bring him back in, explaining the scenario again. Good luck!

- R.

Hi L., i just wanted to share with you a couple things first of all, my husband and I had a no tatrum policy in our home while raising our kids, you mentioned it being apart of the day of a toddler, that's not true, it's only true if you allow it we didn't a tatrum is a fit of rage and should never be tollerated. When she does i don't yell, because that is a fit of rage or could be looked upon as that by your your child. When your daughter is having a tatrum, don't offer lovy's or redistraction, by doing so you are nurturing bad behavior, instead put her in a play pen, in her room an leave her there until she calms down. Once she stops let her out, but be consistant. On top of raising 3 children, I also have a no tatrum policy in my daycare, I'm with toddlers everyday all day who don't throw tatrums. it's not a normal part of the day of a toddler. J.

When my strong-willed daughter started having louder meltdowns, I simply carried her into her room. I had given her her bears and a pillow before to blow off the steam. Removing her from the situation (and giving my ears a break) helped. She came out when she was calmed down ("I feel better now"), and it showed her that she had control of her emotions.

When she turned three, the tantrums returned. This time I used the book, Parenting with Love and Logic by Cline and Fay. I have given her the control she was looking for, and she now chooses to behavior and complains very little about the consequences.

I wish you the best.

My son was also born May 2007 so we are going through a lot of the same things!

Sometimes, when he is truly freaking out, I just say to him "I'm going to sit over here until you can calm down and talk to me nicely. If you need anything, I'll be right here." Then I just leave him alone for a couple of minutes. He usually freaks out even more for a minute, then cries "come get me" and is ready to be held and calms down a bit.

Other times, something completely random works. For example, the other day he was freaking out about getting in the stroller to leave the house. I tried everything and nothing worked. Finally, I said "do you want to push the button to close the garage?" and he instantly calmed down and got in the stroller b/c he was SO excited to push the button.

As for getting myself through it, it depends on the situation. If we are late to go somewhere and are trying to leave the house, it's very hard to stay calm. But if he's just throwing a tantrum at home, I just keep telling myself "he's two, it's no big deal, he will calm down eventually." I also make a point of saying to him "screaming is not going to get you X" and, surprisingly, it sometimes ends the tantrum faster.

Good luck - I know just what it's like!
K.
http://oc.citymommy.com

Oh, I hear you. My younger daughter (2) behaves similarly during a tantrum (though rarely hurts herself). My older one was never tantrum-prone, so this is new to me! I've tried all the same things you have (including ending up yelling, which I'm never proud off) and haven't found anything that works everytime either. So, I'm appreciating the tips that you are getting! I find that I have to work hard to understand how to work with her more emotional personlity (both me and big sis are generally more mellow) rather than just view it as a behavior that I want to change. Hang in there...it is quite a ride!

Hey L.,
Quick question for you. How are your daughter's sleep habits? It sounds as though she may be overtired. If you suspect that this may be the case, may I suggest the book Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child? This book helps you to understand cues of when your child should go to bed before it becomes an issue.

Hello L.,
Meltdowns and tantrums are two completely different animals. Tantrums are manipulations to getting something a child wants and hoping you will give in to the demands. Meltdowns may look similar, however, are the result of hunger, tired, frustration or other internal reasons. Reacting to each in different ways will have to be experienced by you, however, whenever you make a shift to a new way of behavior modification the behavior will escalate before it subsides. Unless you are consistent, you will rarely succeed.
Good luck,
Wendy

Hello, Several years ago, my husband and I had custody of our little grandson. We had had him since age 5 months and he was now over three years old. He was going to be transitioned to his parents (not our choice, but the courts), he was very upset and began displaying much rage. He went right past tantrums and would actually dig his nails into me until I would bleed, or throw anything he could get his hands on at whomever was closest. I took him to a counselor who suggested ways I could help him through this. One thing that worked was to put him into his room and close the door. I had to actually hold the door closed until he stopped. As soon as he stopped, I would open the door and take his little hand and walk him out of his room. I would simply say, "Okay, let's try again." I did this EVERY time. It didn't take too long for him to become our sweet little boy. Also, during this time and later, we would try to have him talk out his feelings, i.e. "I see that you are upset." or "You seem to be having a hard time with this." He is now ten years old and we (his grandpa, him and I) have the most amazing relationship.
Good luck with your precious little girls.
K. K.