Out of Control Almost 3 Yr Old

As another poster replied, maybe look into his diet of artificial foods. One of my sons would have these uncontrollable fits and it just seemed far more than a simple temper tantrum. Plus, it would come out of the blue. I didn't consider that artificial foods could cause this until I saw a special on Oprah about it. The kids looked JUST like my son did when he had his fits. This info came too late because he outgrew it but at least I know it wasn't just bratty behavior.

I wish you the best... I know this is so hard to deal with! Hang in there!

ah the tantrum... Here is what my mother did with my baby sister...who threw 3 tantrums one day and never did it again.. 1st time she put her inher room alone and told her when you are all done and can be quiet you can com out took amy sister 20 minutes ... a few minutes later she did it again...Took my sister 10ish minutes to settle down well after a bit she decided to throw another tantrum my mother did the same thing... Myh sister shut up got off the bed and followed my mom out of the room... I have done this same thing with my kids works like a charm.. They hate to be forced to be alone... ISOLATION is what it is called.
And this works no matter what age tatrum throwing child is. In public say in walmart just simply leave everything and head to the car... When ypou get to the car explain why you left the store wait a bit an try again... Good luck

My sister who has a 4 year old and a two year old tells them that they have to go to their room if they want to act like that. I guess it is a different story if you are out in public. They take their frustrations to their room. Also, the two year, is starting to act up so she has been working with him to take a deep breath and use big boy voice and big boy words. Just the other day he started to have a tantrum and then stopped when she told him to take a deep breath and use his words. Once he did that he was rewarded for his good behavior. It is starting to work and is making a big difference. Hope this helps. good luck!

Hi S.,
My kids are all grown now, but my oldest girl was also famous for tantrums at this age. Whenever she erupted, either me husband or I would immediately take her to her room. It is very important to remain absolutely calm during this. Once in her room, she would calmly be told that her behavior was not nice (not HER, but her behavior) and when she was ready to behave properly, she could come out of her room. The door was quietly shut after being told that she was loved and her presence would be missed. The first few times I wasn't too sure if the door would withstand the kicking but she did learn. When she rejoined us we would simply welcome her back and not mention the tantrum. I think the number of times we did this can be counted on both hands. Kids do learn. Good luck. P.

Whatever you do, do it consistently over a long period of time. Just because it doesn't work after a few times doesn't mean it won't work eventually. Good luck!

Hi,

Have you spoken to your pediatrician about this problem? The behavior sounds 'over the top' to me. Some parent child centers have behavior intervention programs for young children. I feel your son some needs to learn some self regulation techniques. That happens when a parent is taught what to say to a child and how to coach them to calm down.

Our 5 year old granddaughter was exposed to trauma before she came to us. We used the CUPS (Children's Upstream Services) program through our parent child center to help her learn to calm herself.

Hello S.,

There has been a lot of good advice already given! My son had the same behavior problems (especially when my husband was away on deployment.) I took on the power of prayer from my church and myself. My son would TRASH his room and did not care about consquences. I read this AWESOME book called "Setting Limits w/ your Strong-Willed Child" by Robert MacKenzie. It really taught me about his personality and my own as well. It taught me how I was handling the situation ineffectivly because of his personality. I really suggest checking it out. It helps to establish boundaries, remember to be consistent. That is where I found I was failing and he knew it! He knew just what button to push at the right time when I was weak. You know when your in the middle of something, on the phone ect... Anyhow, there is hope at the end of the tunnel! He will be five this year and has made a fun turn around. He knows his boundaries and still trys to test me, but it doesn't work. I know how hard it is and I also know how easy it is to give up and let them take control or have their way. But don't give up, you are the mom and YOU are in CONTROL! It is your job to train him up. Be strong and ask the Lord to guide you and give you wisdom to handle each situation! One more thing-- there was a point where I actually took EVERYTHING except his mattress out of his room and made him earn each piece or toy back! He hated it, but that was a point where he really started to change and control himself. When he gets angry today I tell him, he needs to go to his room, calm down and he can come out when he has a "happy face" on. Sometimes he has to go back a few times to find his "happy face." But it usually ends ends with laughter!
Keep up the good work. God has blessed you as mom! I wish I had reached out like you are! I hope all the advice from everyone helps. I will pray for you and your family!

Blessings,
M. G.

Hi S.-

Good for you for not totally losing control, and for seeking some support/advice. I know how hard that can be. This may seem out of the blue - but have you considered allergies? Food allergies/sensitivities and chemical sensitivities are known to cause uncontrollable behavior, and other crazy symptoms. A good place to start is the book, "Is This My Child?" By Doris Rapp. I would also suggest talking with a good doctor - one who would look 'outside the box' for just the right support for your son. The best you can do beyond this is stay consistent with your limits. I wish you the best of luck.

Hi...I'm a mom of 3. 5 y o boy, 4 yr old girla and a 10 month old girl. I never had much trouble with tantrums from my son, but my daughter every so often tries it. The best thing I can say to do is ignore it. I know it's hard. Put him in his bed and tell him when he's done, he can come out. It has taken my girl up to an hour at times screaming to get over it. It'll be worth it in the long run. If I'm in the store and a tantrum occurs, if it lasts for more than a minute or so, I say if you don't stop, we're leaving. Usually I end up having to leave. But I've only had to do that a couple of times. Absolutely don't give in to buying any toys to get him to stop crying. Then he'll just learn that's how he can get his way.
I wish you luck and be stern...it'll work out.

It sounds like attention-seeking behavior, and that he needs help learning to calm himself down when he's upset. He needs to be taught ways of calming down. He also needs positive reinforcement, which can come in the form of compliments when he behaves well. You could try a behavior modification chart, listing each of the behaviors that you're trying to encourage, and give a sticker every time he successfully performs a good behavior and/or avoids an unwanted behavior. Make sure there's a suitable reward for every 5 stickers he earns... maybe printable coloring pages from his favorite TV show or book, or a visit to the library.

If he doesn't earn stickers, have a consequence that will mean something to him. Early to bed on a Friday night, or taking away a privelage until he earns it back. For my daughters, I take away computer time and TV time (which is already very limited). One of our rewards is getting additional one-on-one time with Mom or Dad, while the siblings don't get to participate in a particular privelage.

You've gotten a lot of good advice about consistency, staying calm (oh, it that hard!!), distinguishing between the child's worth and the child's behavior, etc. I think there is merit to the many suggestions about food allergies - it is very possible that your child simply doesn't feel well! Before you remove all kinds of things from his diet (which can be so difficult), why not try Reliv's product,"Now for Kids"? This is patented nutrition that solves all that guessing about vitamins and minerals, gives phenomenal absorption, and detoxifies the body. It helps to digest the things that may be causing problems (dairy, gluten, etc.) It comes in vanilla and chocolate, and can be mixed with milk, water, soy milk, etc. or have fruit added into a smoothie. The vanilla is even more versatile - mix it in applesauce, etc., yogurt, whatever. Lots of moms have developed great recipes - there's even one where you mix it with just a little milk, and it takes like cake frosting! It has soy in it, of the highest quality - most people are not allergic to soy (Nature's protein) but rather to the additives used to stabiliize it or process it (e.g., alcohol). A lot of kids with food allergies and behavioral issues (even autism and ADD) get fabulous results with Reliv. There are simple ways to connect you with other parents to trade stories too. I would definitely try this along with any disciplinary approaches - great nutrition benefits any child, and it's so much easier than trying to take items out of his diet if you don't need to! I'm happy to give you more info. My family swears by it.

Oh Arent 3 yr olds great ? My daughter(also 3, 4 in Aug) has behavioral issues. She is sent to her bed when she behaves terribly & is not allowed to come out until she can behave. Her behavior is not acceptable, If she continues to sceam, she will get soap in her mouth. Same thing, nothing has worked with her, time outs, etc. Nothing phases her. I tell her to use her words, not scream. Wait to talk to him when hes not screaming, ask him why he does it. Talk to your pediatrician, maybe theres an underlying condition. Good luck.

I had a similar issue with my eldest when she was about that age. It was though a switch would get thrown without warning and she'd completely melt down. Her melt-downs (crying, screaming, etc) could last literally for hours. The doctors were clueless. And just as unexpectedly as it had begun it would end, hours later, and my sweet kid would return.

I second the suggestion to examine diet, as it can have a profound effect on behavior, but I also believe that during this age (my son is there now) they seem to get overwhelmed more easily than previously. I don't know what it is about the age, but that is my experience. With my daughter we tried being firm and we tried being comforting, but in fact all kinds of interaction just made her escalate. It was though any added stimulation ratched up her distress. I was at my wits' end and ignoring it was as ineffective as everything else--she'd just following me screaming. *sigh*.

As unorthadox as this sounds, what I finally did was to put her in her room and put up the pressure gate. I calmly (everything from me was calm, BTW, whether the firm things or the comforting ones--I tried very hard not to act as frazzled as I felt) told her that when she was done screaming that she could come out and we would talk.

The first time, she screamed for an hour. Then again, she would have screamed at *least* that long following me around the ouse, too, so I wasn't sure if it made any difference. But the next time she only screamed for 30 minutes (a huge leap from the intitial 3 hours--I'm not exaggerating, I did time them). The time after that it was 5 minutes, and after that (for about the next 3 months or so) when she felt herself losing control she would ask me to put her in her room behind the gate!

Go figure! What she needed was as little extra stimulation as possible and the time and space to find a way to calm herself down. She did that in the safety of her room, and as soon as she regained control she came out and we'd have hugs, talk if she wanted, and go on with the day. To this day she sometimes volunarily goes to her room and closes the door when she feels she's getting too overwhelmed.

This is NOT a recommendation for all kids--my son is just the opposite and needs to be held for about 20 minutes or so when he gets overwhelmed--leaving him in his room would just intensify his distress. But for my eldest is was just the thing. I'm sure that you, too, will find a way to help him cope with his overwhelming emotions. Good luck--dealing with the prolonged melt-downs can be as h*** o* you as it is on them!

I found, both at home and when I was teaching preschool, that the best way to deal with tantrums is try to avoid them in the first place. It's just so difficult for everyone involved. I find that they normally occur when the child is hungry or tired or feeling otherwise out of control of the situation. I would make sure he never has an empty stomach- so provide healthy snacks often. Make sure he is getting plenty of sleep- at least 12 hours a day. Keep an eye on his emotional state to catch clues that he is feeling out of control. If you can catch him and redirect him before the tantrum starts it will be so much easier! Just remove him nicely from the situation or change the subject.
Kids also throw temper tantrums because they have learned that this is a great way to get what they want. It can be very difficult to retrain them. You just have to be so consistent in the way you handle his tantrums. Never give him what he wants if he cries and whines. Always make him ask nicely for anything that he wants. If you are calm, supportive and very consistent it won't take him too long to learn that this is the new way to get what he wants.
When he does throw a tantrum- instantly remove him from the area and leave him alone in a safe spot that you have designated for this purpose. Completely ignore the behavior. Don't give him any verbal feedback until he is calm. Just say "This behavior is not acceptable in our family." Pick him up and put him in his naughty spot. You may have to do this 20 times- but stay firm and consistent and he will learn pretty quickly. When he calms down make him apologize for his behavior so that he starts to understand that he is to be held responsible for himself. It won't take long!
Good luck, and stay consistent and firm.
Sometimes love is tough- but in the end your son will feel so much more in control of his emotions. Some children need to be taught these coping skills in a very concrete way.
-S.

I agree with the importance of staying calm. It's hard, I can usually do it, my husband can't. Each does their best. I find that when my son throws a tantrum there's something that he wants, and I may not even realize what it is. I try to find out what he wants, and if it's something he can't have (i.e., candy before breakfasts) is there something we can do to compromise, like pick out candy for after school. I also say things like "I can't help you while you're crying" or "I don't understand your words while you're screaming."

He also knows that if he can get his point across to me, then sometimes I'll give him what he wants. Like yesterday he asked for noodle soup, and after I'd heated the can for him, he kept insisting he wanted to "make the soup himself." I finally realized that he really wanted to boil the noodles for soup like when we make homemade soup. I told him that if he could calm down, I'd let him boil some noodles (because really, how hard is that?) He calmed himself right down and came over to help.

I have found that by rewarding him for calming himself down, like by giving him what he wants or some other reward, I have motivated him to learn to calm himself down. He can now take himself out of a tantrum in about 15 seconds.

He also needs to learn ways to appropriately channel his anger. Recently we've started watching ABC Yoga kids by Gaiam, and one of the moves is Volcano, which they say to use when you're angry. This morning in the car he started doing it over and over rather than throwing a fit. He just needed to be taught what an appropriate thing is to do when he's angry.

Hi S.,
This is a tough one. We had a foster daughter who had very similar behavior, and there were a couple of things that helped. One was to take her on our lap, facing away from us, and literally hold her until she calmed down. We would let her know that we were going to hold her until she could control herself. Sometimes this meant holding her arms and flailing legs, not roughly, but firmly enough to keep her from hurting herself or us. It helped to sing a soothing song or remind her calmly that we would let go when she stopped struggling. The other thing we sometimes had to do was put her in her room until she could calm down. This avoided the pulling on us, and took away the attention she was seeking. Without us right there, she was able to calm herself down, because she wanted our company. Then when the tantrum was over, she would get lots of reassurance because the whole temper thing is scary for them, since they know they are out of control. We also had to try to learn what triggered the tantrums, and try to head them off before they started. Also, allowing them to get their anger out in appropriate ways, such as yelling into a pillow, or squeezing a ball, gives them some tools for managing themselves. One of the main things was trying to make sure we stayed calm, because otherwise we only escalated the situation. Easier said than done. Sometimes we had to give ourselves a time-out, which actually sets a good example for them. Good luck.

You probably know this already but......

Kids this age live in the moment so when your son gets angry like this it is hard for him to understand that this emotion will eventually go away. He is living for right now - not later when he's calmed down. I was successful with calming tantrums by using some of the following techniques. First, you can't start yelling and screaming back. I understand it is out of frustration but this is going to make matters worse. You need to lead by example and show him how to handle anger w/o yelling and screaming. This really is of vital importance! Even if your blood is boiling, you must control yourself. Try to figure out what is triggering these tantrums and see if they can be avoided. For example, he wants to play in the sand but that's not what you had planned. If you were flexible and changed plans a bit would it avoid a trantrum? Not to say he should be making the rules, but until this situation calms down a bit lets see what can be done to help him to stay on an even keel. A three year old has very little control of his own life and that can be frustrating. He's being told what to do, what to wear, what to eat all the time. When it's possible, allow him to make some choices about his life. Let him choose betweeen two shirts. Let him decide between two choices for lunch. Make him feel like he has some control. This is just something to think about. When he is calm, ask him why he got so upset and explain that it worries you to see him act that way. Big boys talk about things and since he is getting bigger he needs to figure out how to express his anger with words. Tell him it's okay to cry and be angry but he cannot hurt other people or upset other kids. Perhaps tantrums can only happen in a certain place, like his room. If he doesn't have an audience maybe he won't last as long. good luck - I'm no expert but thought i'd share some ideas.

Hello S.
I know how kids are hard to raise today, I'm glad that I don't have to raise kids today, Did you ever watch Super Nanny she has a good program and give you good ides how to work with your kids.
GOOD LUCK AND MAY GOD BLESS

Hi S.,

Boy, reading your request was like reading my mind! My son (who will be 3 on Monday) has quite the temper and I have had a challenging time coming up with discipline techniques that work for him. We have a 'step' in our house that the kids go to if they've misbehaved or are having a tantrum but lately that hasn't worked for him so I've tried bringing him to his room, alone, to have his melt down. It kind of works, I say kind of, because he eventually calms down but by that point my blood is boiling! I consider myself to be a calm person who avoids conflicts but my son has taught me that I do have a temper and controlling it has proved to be a huge challenge for me. I find it increasingly difficult to not yell and scream back at him. I fight this urge hugely since I understand the impact on him and the behavior he is learning from me. I guess it is a reminder to myself that I am human and far from perfect, much to my dismay! Recently I have started a marble jar for my kids (my daughter just turned 5). For all of the good choices they make, they get a marble. If a not so good choice is made, a marble is taken away. We had a family meeting and came up with a chart of 'cashing in the marbles'. For instance, 12 marbles and you can pick out your own cereal at the store, 5 marbles and you get a sticker from a special sticker box. I wanted to have some smaller number rewards since my son is very 'instant gratification' being 3 and all!

Overall, I just wanted you to know you aren't alone and to thank you for sharing your story/struggle, it helps wonders to know I'm not alone!

First you need to control yourself he learns what he sees and hears. Stay calm most tantrums stop by the age of four. You can also try holding him in a hug until he stops screaming and fighting you then can talk to him about why he is mad. This will take some time and determination on your and your husbands part, you both need to be inolved.I work with kids with these behaviors and this method seems to work.