4 Year Says He Doesn't like His Dad

You should take it seriously.

What your husband is doing is VERY harmful to your boys. If you don't stop his behavior now, you are going to see the results of it when your boys are teens.

Your husband doesn't know how to parent. Your boys are depending on you. You need to get very strong, and tell your husband that he WILL stop yelling at your boys and spanking them all the time. If he refuses to stop bullying them, and start loving them, you need to take your kids and leave. Do you have family that can support you?

You can insist on counseling, and/or parenting classes.

Please protect your little boys from this bully. Tell him to go pick on someone his own size, who can punch him out.

p.s. Maybe he should spend some of that time at church pondering how he can be a kind and loving parent. Maybe you can talk to your pastor about this, and have him tell your husband a few things.

you should take it seriously.

and telling him that his father loves him very much is not making him feel any better. It's making him doubt his feelings, and it's making him think you don't understand him or believe him when he shares his feelings. He will learn to stop sharing them. Be honest, and say, I know daddy is mean sometimes and I'm really sorry. You can stay with me.

Your husband reminds me of my dad. I've been waiting 28 years for him to show he really really loves me ,and I finally accepted he doesn't. Your husband doesn't love your kids. He's annoyed by their existence, and probably yours too.

Although there is a stage around this age where boys want to marry their mommies, etc., I would absolutely take this seriously. Your son is saying to you and to other people that his dad is mean, and you know that he yells and spanks them when you are around. It sounds like your son is afraid of his father, and shame on your husband for making it that way. Besides all that, who knows what your husband might do when you are not around? Since you have to ask if this should be taken seriously, you must have an inkling of doubt.

From your description, I don't like his Dad either.
His behavior towards the kids and you is not loveable.
It's one thing when a child sasses or talks back to a parent/adult.
But if my husband EVER told ME I was 'back talking' to him - I'd give him an earful so next time he'd have a better idea what back talking was all about.
My husband yells on occasion - to me or our son (I have no problems yelling right back at him and he knows I will) - but it's rare and certainly not an all the time thing.
When our son was 4, he was Daddy's little helper (Dad gave him his own tool belt) and we have pictures of them assembling his tricycle and wagon together.
My husband was great at giving horsey back rides and our son loved sitting up on Dad's shoulders, and they had great times looking at fire trucks together.
It sounds like your husband yells like a drill sergeant whenever he's home.
What kid is going to learn to love that?
Your kids are learning that your family life is what's 'normal'.
Given enough time, the boys will grow up and become just like their father.
Is that what you want for them?

I'd take it seriously.
Your boys are very close to the age when it becomes "all about daddy" often times.
You need to find a way to help your husband see that love between a father & sons isn't a "given," it's shown, appreciated & grown.
Your husband doesn't seem concerned with that and that's sad.
I hope he sees it before its too late. For the sake of your boys.

If your husband is consistently like this with your son, and then you tell your son that this is what love looks like, your son is going to grow up and express love in this way. Do your son's future girlfriend a favor and please explain to him that this is not a nice way to show someone you love them.

L.,

This, to me, is concerning. One thing which really raised a red flag to me was that when you express your opinion to your husband, he says you are 'backtalking'. This isn't how most adults --who considered each other equals--would address each other. The import in the word 'back talk' is that one is defying or talking back to their superiors.

Please find a couples counselor who will help you both gain support. I agree with a previous suggestion of your husband getting help in managing his emotions. I'm admittedly not a huge supporter of spanking (I have spanked my own son, by the way), and I can tell you that being spanked by an angry parent in the heat of the moment while being yelled at is very different than a calm parent thinking "oh, boy, this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you".

Parenting classes will help, too. It would be great if your kids could have two parents who are on the same page regarding discipline and who felt approachable.

I realize that lots of kids go through phases of saying "I don't like" one or the other parent, especially when their feelings are hurt or one parent is present more than the other. And when I first saw your post title, I really thought "Oh, over-concerned parent--this is pretty common". However, what you describe in your post sounds like the makings of a long-term power struggle between growing kids and their father and a bad way of relating to each other (and other people) in the long run for your boys. Please do find some help. Being told calmly "when you correct me in front of the kids, I feel you are undermining me, can we find a way to get together in how to deal with this" is very different from being told 'your place' in the relationship--which is the vibe I got from your post.

Best wishes going forward. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

Take it seriously and get some counseling for yourself at least, for your marriage if your husband would go. Why? Because your husband says you are "backtalking". It's one thing to need to find the right path to discipline and to disagree. You do need to both find the same page for that, BUT when he tells you, an adult and equal, that you are "BACKTALKING" for not agreeing with him? HUGE red flag. Step back and really look at what's going on. If your husband is mean, he is mean, and you need to deal with that. If that means getting out because he won't get help, then do it. You don't need mean turning into abusive if it hasn't already.

Words hurt even more than hitting sometimes.. but sounds like your husband does both..
I would ask him to attend parenting classes.. At 3 and 4, a child's reaction is still very innate.. meaning, the kids may truly have dislike for their dad.. It's not like when older that you may start rationalizing.. but at that young an age, kids know when to stay clear of someone..
children do learn what they live... If your boys learn that it's ok to call names and hit, then hey, what's to stop them, right.
this can be remedied.. however, I think it needs to be dealt with in an environment with someone who knows how to handle this. I am sure there are lots of therapists out there who see this kind of behavior from a parent all the time. I suspect that too that you and he may need some couple's counseling. Why? because of your statement whereby he tells you that you are " back talking" sounds like he treats you poorly as well...
or at least to some degree.. condescending to say the least..

I wish you and the boys the best... keep us poste.

Buy him the book "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge.

You need to read it too.

♥
C. Lee

My other half was not on the same parenting page with me either. There would be times when he thought I was too harsh (complaining about them not picking up after themselves) and there would be times when I felt he was overreacting ( raising his voice when our cranky 7 yr old back talked).
We had a conversation with some other parents that we both respect. Tge father suspected this and mentioned (this father works with troubled youth and their parents) that it is extremely important for us to present a united front.
We had had the conversation several times prior-but having someone outside the box hit the nail on the head made him stop and think.
I noticed him making an effort to not overreact afterwards, and talking to me about situations to ensure we both had the same opinion.
So, weather it be church, parenting classes, or friends I think your husband may just need to be called out by someone other than you. It's very stressful being the provider. He might not realize he's taking that stress out on the very people he works so hard for.

Provided your relationship is normal with your husband, then it's a phase. You have boys and daddy is going to be tougher on them than you are. It depends on what they perceive as "mean". If you are always lovey dovey and overprotective, they are naturally going to gravitate to you for shelter. You stay at home, so I am sure when daddy gets home from work (know from experience time is limited when you work outside home) that he is tired, probably had a long day and not really in the mindset to spend time with the boys. Furthermore, he is a guy. A woman working outside the home does not have the same privilege to slack away. We still have to do it all.

So that said, don't feel guilty if on the weekends, you literally go out ON YOUR OWN and leave the kids home with dad. Try your best to not say much about his discipline style in front of the kids. If you think something could be handled better, tell him nicely "I believe you could have said it or done it this way", but limit those suggestions unless what he did seems really harsh.

Dad wants boys to be boys and you have to be the best judge of the situation to see if the 4yr old is just too sensitive.

Just like anyone else, your son may not like his dad right now, but I bet he loves him. There are many times that I don't necessarily LIKE someone that I love.

I think you will find that as the boys get older, your hubby will spend more time with them. When my grandsons were young, my hubby had very little to do with them and really had no patience with them. They are now 14 and 16 and they spend a LOT of time with grandpa. He encourages it!

Men just don't really have a lot in common with the really little ones. That does change.

Hang in there. I KNOW it will get better as the boys get older.

It is most likely a stage but since it is based on legitimate complaints, you should also take it seriously. You need to have a talk with your hubby (without the boys around) and tell him that while you don't want to undermine his authority or make him think you are, you really need to be on the same page regarding discipline.

Try to come up with something that will work. He can correct without being mean...correct the behavior without hurting the child (ie...he's a good boy but his behavior was bad....daddy loves you but doesn't like what you did). We alway tell our daughter "We love you even when we are upset with you" and we will still hug her (and she us) even if we are mad.

You should also talk to your boys and explain that he can "not like" what daddy said or did but it isn't ok to say he doesn't "like" Daddy. He doesn't have to like what Daddy did/said but you know he loves Daddy. This will help teach him the difference between the person and the actions or behavoir. It also helpse reinforce what you as parents should be modeling for him when you correct him.

See what you can do to encourage him to interact with each boy separately on his own (take one fishing or playing catch in the yard and later or next time take the other one) to help him bond.

BTW...my 6 year old will rat her father out in a heartbeat...what he said, did, or let her have etc.