4 Year Old Told Me He Doesn't Want to Be a Big Boy....

My daughter is 10 now and is starting to develop breasts and show other signs of puberty. We have had several talks about growing up where she ends up in tears, telling me that being a grown-up is no fun, that she wants to be a kid, that she doesn't want to have to wear a bra and deal with periods, etc. It's not that she isn't mainly a very happy kid, because she is. But she is smart enough to see that being a grown-up comes with more work and responsibility, and worry. These talks have concerned me some. I do my best to reassure her that growing up comes with some good stuff, too.

I don't remember being open enough with my mother to tell her these things, but I did suffer from an eating disorder throughout my teen years. One thing anorexia does is stop your periods and stop any further sexual development. Even though anorexia was not a well-known disorder back in the 1970s and my small-town doctor never could figure out what was wrong with me, somehow I just knew that if I didn't eat, my periods would not come and I wouldn't have to face "grown-up" things.

I think we sometimes stress "you're such a big girl/boy!" and "look how big you're getting" a little too much.

I think sometimes kids say this in response to pressure and stress of something they are really struggling with. For them the task is difficult and there's nothing fun about beaching a big boy if it's really hard and not rewarding.

I think you did the right thing. Without saying it, your little guy was telling you that he's feeling insecure and sad and needed some reassurance and extra love from you. How wonderful that he was able to communicate in this way with you and that the two of you have such a lovely relationship.

What a great response you gave your son. How wonderful that you listened to him instead of discounting his feelings and telling him all the reasons why he should be a big boy.

With a mom like you, he will do great.

I think your son might just be saying that because he cannot go on the potty due to anxiety and constipation and worry it will hurt etc all the normal stuff and then some. He says he doesn't want to grow up because he doesn't want to disappoint you. I live what u said that big boys get this and get to do that. Actions speak louden than words so gI've or let him do some big boy stuff. Also medically we need to figure out what's going on to help relieve the anxiety and pain about going or what he is so afraid of. Do not push and also does he have any sensory issues etc. many times sensory kids if it is too mushy can't feel to push out and if it is too hard they will hold it in for days and then it will hurt. Finding the right sensory moment and feeling is like finding a needle in a haystack that u have to find everyday. Does he have fear and only want to poop in a certain toilet or at home etc. figure out what he needs and the. Work on the reward system for when he does go hard or soft just for going. Also it took my son till 7 yrs old to do this and it's still not on his own we constantly remind him to go sit on the pot since its been two days since we last saw him go. We notice the more we pushed the more he felt like a failure and was giving up. I'm wondering if that's where your son is at too? Hang in there

Oh yes. They have realized that more responsibility comes with growing up, and they have told me "I don't want to be a big girl." I tell them that's really a shame because I was sooooo looking forward to her being a big girl. I told her how much I was looking forward to talking to a big girl rather than a baby; how much more interesting a big girl is. I told her about all the things a big girl could do that a baby cannot - ride a bike; play outside with friends; go to school; have sleepovers. But if you don't want to, that's okay.

After thinking about it, she decided that she really did want to be a big girl!