4 Year Old Makes Promises but Doesn't Keep Them

You probably know that Goldfish will ruin her dinner (she doesn't).
You probably know that she won't eat a whole hot dog (she doesn't)
You probably know that small items are easily lost at daycare (she doesn't)

Why allow her to make those decisions? You're the parents. You already know the outcome, why would you let her convince you, with a promise, otherwise?

I wouldn't have her make promises. If she wants to eat the whole hot dog tell her you will buy another if she is still hungry after she eats her half. Make her do what you want first and then give her a treat. Make her try everything at dinner first and then give her some crackers. I don't think they can really understand promises yet.

I understand that you want to move her along in her character development but I dont think you're going about it the right way. I think you should read books about four year olds and how to talk to four year olds, I'm guessing you dont have a lot of experience with kids that age. She sounds like every other four and five year old. Keep your expectations realistic and keep your rules consistent.

It sounds like you've figured out that she doesn't really grasp the meaning of promise so I would stop bargaining with her in that way. Or if you want to keep using the word "promise", be ready to be disappointed that she isn't going to keep them. I learned with my 4 year old that he would promise me the world to get his way, but in the end, he didn't always keep the promise. I just had to set the limits (e.g. no toys at school, no goldfish before dinner, etc.) or as I said before, be ready to be disappointed. Maybe in a year or two, promises will actually be able to be understood. In the meantime, maybe just set a good example by keeping your promises to her and pointing out that you are doing something because you promised to.

I think expecting her to understand and/or keep promises at 4 almost 5 is unrealistic. Even when they are 3 times that age you can't always expect them to keep their promise. But even more so at your daughters age. She just found out that saying the word "promise" gets her what she wants, so that is what she's doing. She doesn't understand everything behind a promise. I really don't think promises should be stressed anyway. People are not perfect and people make mistakes. Enforcing and stressing about, promises, only means hurt feelings when they are broke. Instead rules and consequences should be put into place.

I think it sounds as though you just need to lay out the rules better.
Here is how I would handle your examples.

"1). We took her to the stock show and told her that since it would be crowded we couldn't bring the stroller and she'd have to walk a lot and she says "That's ok, I promise I won't complain" (she complained)"

For this one, it is inevitable. I mean she is 4, her little legs are bound to get tired. Maybe you could have suggested a rest period, where you sat and rested. Or you just learn she's not ready for this type of thing, yet.

"2). I bought her a hot dog for lunch and was going to split it with her and she said "No, I want the whole thing. I promise I'll eat it all." (she didn't)."

I would have replied, well lets order one and split it, if you are still hungry after that, we can get something else"

"3). With said hot dog above, she promised she'd eat it for dinner (she didn't)."

Since you went this route, provide the hot dog for dinner. If she chooses not to eat the hot dog, then she gets nothing else

"4). She wanted to wear her special barrettes for daycare, she promised she'd put them in her bag and not lose them (she lost one).
etc..."

I'm sure you won't intentionally loose your barrettes, however, when playing with a large group of kids they are bound to fall out and get lost. How about you pick out another pair and you can wear these ones....(pick another day).

5). She wants goldfish before dinner and promises she'll at least try everything (she doesn't).

You can't really expect after just eating goldfish that she is going to be hungry enough to try items. This is just a learning experience for you.

She is too small! I would not worry about this and would not put this pressure on her, she'll have time to keep her promises. I do think sometimes we expect too much from our children because they are so smart!

L.,

How are you determining what should be a promise and what should be a rule? I'm not getting all of it,... , if she didn't eat all the hot dog she wouldn't have had a chance to eat it at dinner, I'd have split it and not felt bad. Four to five year olds don't quite get the whole thing promise thing. Maybe you shouldn't use the promise phrase , but, teach committing or being responsible for what you say you'll do. I wouldn't allow her to do things you know she won't be responsible for, toys , hair barrettes ,whatever,..... She is to young to get the you trust her thing, maybe use phrases 'like a big girl'' and if she isn't willing to do what you ask , don't allow it again for a while. Start with simple things like pick up your toys without being told, as she does those things on a routine basis , add something else she can be responsible for. Maybe try the allowance $.25 for each time she helps you , if she doesn't help she doesn't get the $.25. As she gets older you can incorporate 'promises". It really sounds like she manipulates you to get her way instead 'promising ' to do something,... just food for thought,.... C. S.

She's 4! She's giving honest answers in the moment. Things change.

You can't expect, a 4 year old to keep promises.
Keep your expectations, age appropriate... or both will get frustrated.
She obviously, does not have the at-will ability... to do that.
Nor per her development.
She is so young...

You also need to teach her.... that "Promises".... are different from doing things that are harmful or that another adult may tell her. The same idea as when kids are told to keep 'secrets'.... and appropriateness or not... about things.
Things like this are still real abstract for a 4 year old.

As she matures and has the capability to look at things from someone else's point of view (which she really can't do now), and has the ability to connect what she is saying now with what she will have to do later (they are totally unconnected at this point), she will begin to understand the importance of keeping promises.

For now, keep modeling (ALWAYS keep your word). Let her make little promises, the kind that will be easy for her to keep. But don't let "I promise" be a way of bargaining. For example, with the goldfish: "we are eating in 30 minutes. You may not have any goldfish right now." Don't leave room for bargaining, because you know that she won't keep the promise! And the toy to school "It's not about whether you will loose it or not. We said no, so you can't take it to school."

As a final note, even if someone doesn't say "I promise" we generally expect them to keep their word. "I promise" is not a magic potion that gives a commitment any more weight, in my opinion. Teach her to keep her word no matter how she phrased it (in age appropriate ways, as she matures into it), and the words "I promise" will become less of a tool for negotiation.

You can't expect her to know what a promise is. That said, were there consequences for not following through? She said she'd eat the hot dog for dinner, but didn't. Did you make her something else? Did you make her sit there with it for a good long while?

My daughter always wants a yogurt, but she doesn't like yogurt. We kept getting "I'll eat it, I promise." One day I said to her, "If you don't eat that yogurt, you'll get it for snack, for lunch, for afternoon snack, for dinner until it's gone." She swore she'd eat it. Well, she didn't like it. Guess what she got for snack and lunch? I don't ever ever ever do this with food in general, but here it was the principle of the thing. She had to learn that a promise means that you follow through.

The other thing that you can do is model. I'll sometimes remind my children that they wouldn't really like me reneging on a promise to take them to ice cream or out sledding. And when I keep my promise to do something, I say "I keep my promises. That's very important." So at least they can repeat the line if they don't always take it to heart as they are making the promise themselves.

Good luck.

I think you are expecting a bit too much for her age--honestly. If you let her promise X so she can get her way, she is focusing more on getting her way (eating a snack before dinner, taking toys to school, wearing special occasion barrettes to school,) than on whether she can keep the promise she is saying she can keep. The complaining thing with the stroller is pretty typical though. Did she even have the option of asking the stroller be brought instead? Natural consequences should work fine for the other situations --just stick to your rules about snacking and what belongings come to school. I think this is mostly a developmental thing. If she asks why she can't do something you bent the rules on before--you can simply state what she did to not earn your trust in that situation and leave it at that --no shaming necessary. Stick to your rules!

Just my opinion... but it sounds to me like you maybe shouldn't accept her promises. You can't make her keep promises like not losing something or not complaining. So just don't accept her at her word.

Tell her, "I know that you want to take them to school and that you would be very careful with them, but accidents can happen and they could get lost. So we will keep them at home." Then don't give in. You know better than she does what she is capable of and what she is not capable of. And what is LIKELY to happen. So let YOUR word be your word. When you tell her "no", don't let her convince you to change your mind. There is a reason you said no to begin with. With some kids, it is easier to not give them too much of an explanation WHY you chose to say "no", because it can invite argument and bargaining and those empty promises you are asking about. She isn't old enough to follow through, so don't let her make the promise as part of a negotiation.

Keep your expectations realistic. As a parent you know your child the best. If you know she won't eat her dinner if she eats goldfish then give her something you don't mind she eats before dinner (fruits or veges) because you know she is hungry but won't eat a lot at dinner. Remember she is still very young and trying to understand what promises are. I don't think she really understands that concept...just like any other 4 or 5 year old. She is just telling you what you want to hear so you will give her what she wants. Sometimes we do upset our children but if it is not detrimental to them they will survive and be better because they are learning. Raising children is hard work. There are so many times I wish I had an owner's manual. It sure would make raising them a lot easier! Good luck!

We don't do "promises" in our house. We let our word stand as it is said. I imagine that this is a behavior she has learned in preschool that children use for manipulation. "I promise that if you...I will..." to get what they want. They don't actually understand the gravity of words promised. I would nip that one right away. If she promises something, just tell her we don't do that anymore. If she insists, then you must insist that she keeps it. She shouldn't have the option to do what she promises or not.

I think kids learn a new work and stick with it for awhile and use it every chance they get. My middle boy right now used "randomly" for everything. It is kind of annoying but they do get over it.
For something like the hot dog, I would say "How about we share this one and if you want more then we can split another one?" That gives her the chance to get out of the promise without really breaking the promise.

I want to support what Sandy L. says about finding some books on childhood development. One of the biggest mistakes parents make is expecting their children to think and behave like little adults. Children think very differently than we do. Your 4-year-old is a concrete thinker. She is not an abstract thinker and promises are an abstract idea.

As a concrete thinker your daughter needs clear boundaries with clear, natural, appropriate consequences. As Denise P. pointed out there are certain behaviors that you think your child "should" do even though consistently she doesn't. This just sets everyone up for frustration.

Educating yourself through reading and workshops will greatly reduce the unrealistic expectations that are causing stress for both you and your daughter. Your daughter will learn about abstract ideas like promises when she is developmentally capable. She will also do the majority of her learning through modeling. She will learn about promises by observing what the adults in her life do more than what they tell her to do.

Be a little patient with your daughter. Let her grow up at a pace that is appropriate to her developmental stages. This will support both of you in having less stress, tension, and frustration.

Also, be a little more gentle with yourself. I would suspect that you have pretty high expectations for yourself as a mother. I would guess that you are very h*** o* yourself when you feel your child isn't quite happy enough, or behaving quite right, or doing things exactly like others think she should. Look at what your beliefs are about motherhood and question whether they are realistic or a set up for disappointment. Supermom does not exist. Never will. If you think someone else looks like supermom you are simply missing all the things that are under the surface in that moms life.

Our children have their own journeys. They need enough space to learn and grow. To learn how to deal with disappoinment and sad feelings. No matter how hard we try as mothers we cannot stop them from having "stuff." The best we can do is be an example of growth, strength and self-care in our own lives and to teach them skills and tools to deal with all that life brings, rather than try and stop all that life has from happening.

There's a book called Love & Logic as well as seminars. Basically, it says that there should be natural consequences. In your example your daughter wanted to wear special barrettes which she then lost. You would tell her that maybe next time she should either not wear them or be careful with them. Whatever you do, do NOT replace the barrettes. It was her choice to take them, which she lost so she needs to deal with that consequence. When they refuse to eat dinner do NOT make then somthing else, instead let them go hungry so they may realize next time to eat what's in front of them.