Hi there! I am writing out of frustration and love for my 4 Year old Boy. He is and will by an "only child".
Little bit about the family: I was an only child. I am out-going, love sports activities, & an over-achiever. My husband is the oldest of 4 kids. He has always been nervous to try new things, was sort of sheltered as a kid and has a fear of failure. We both strive to be good at things and I think we both consider ourselves Type A personalities. We both try VERY hard to NOT push any of that onto our son.
I have always believed that being an "only child" can be a good thing....but as a parent I want my son to be able to learn to socialize and play with his peers since he does not have any siblings. So, my belief has been to involve hiim in activities at an early age. Mind you, he is in a large daycare setting 2 days per week since he was 6 weeks old and also attends JK3 on Mondays and Wednesdays for 2.5 hours. I am with him the other days. So, so far, we enrolled him in 6 swimming classes (started at 6 months old), 3 gymnastics classes (starting at 2 years old) and just now, soccer. I have also taken him to Rec classes to play and learn with kids his age.
For each of the classes, I have always asked him if he wants to take the class before I even sign him up. When it gets closer to the class starting (maybe a couple days in advance) he starts getting stubborn and saying things like that he does not want to go or he does not like doing that activity. When we get to the class, he becomes a bit obstinant (sp?). He will cross his arms, stomp his foot, tell us he is NOT going to run or kick or jump or stretch, etc. Sometimes he says he does not want to participate b/c there are only girls (gymnastics) or another time it was b/c he was tired or shy or scared or he does not answer me when I ask him. It gets so frustrating! We never let him leave. We stay at the program until it is all over. Sometimes, he will participate near the middle or end and sometimes he will not particiapte at all. I know he would rather be home but we do stay at the class and watch all the other kids having fun. We do practive Love and Logic parenting so I do use some of their techniques of "I know", "bummer", "love you too much to argue" etc when he starts arguing with me about staying or leaving from the activity.
Side note on his personality: He is super active, loves to run and is strong. He is also smart. He loves spending time be imaginative...plays with his cars, stuffed animals, etc. He does not like to color or draw or paint very much. He does not sit still for books to be read to him. His attention span is quite short (not sure if it is ADHD or just being a 4 year old boy). He is too competitive...always wants to win. Will fall to the ground, pouting if someone passes him in a race, etc. He will quit a board game if he starts losing....yelling that he does not like that game and wants to sell it in the rummage!
So, my questions are: Is this common for a 4 year old boy? What can I do to make him feel more comfortable? Am I doing something wrong? Did we start too early...maybe we should wait a couple years to get him involved with sports/activites? Do you recommend some other activites that would be better to try?
Thanks for any helpful advice!
ADDED: Just letting you know I have never signed him up for more than one class at a time.
It sounds totally normal for that age, but if he really doesn't want to go and is consistently expressing dislike for the activity then don't enroll him again. He sounds a little "over scheduled" for a preschool-aged child. That may be the message he's really sending... too much mommy! At this age pick one or two things that he actually enjoys and stick with them. The rest of the activites are too much.
There are no hard answers here, L., and of course you can't give all the details I'd want to know before making a recommendation one way or the other. But here are the thoughts that jumped into my head as I read your post:
I am the oldest of 4 girls. I'm also shy, cautious about trying new things, and a born dreamer. My mom is very extroverted and hated my shyness, and always pushed me to be involved with people and become a pathfinder for my younger sibs. My most pervasive memories of my whole childhood, including my earliest recollections, are how miserable I was. My mom wanted me to be what I was not, and not only was that a horrible strain for me, it also left me with very little time to explore who I truly was. I had to do all that work, belatedly, as an adult, and at 60-something, I am still getting there.
One thing I have learned, through lots of independent reading about child development, is that free, independent play is absolutely essential to optimal physical and mental development. Kids "know" what they need, and those needs find their way into their games and explorations. Adults have for decades believed that we need to teach kids everything, but that is turning out not to be the case. Our desire to teach them certain physical and emotional skills is best if balanced by plenty of time for free play.
If you have your son enrolled in three classes (?) right now, it may be that he feels overloaded, in which case the strain could be showing in his behaviors. Might you consider cutting that back to one class for the time being, and see what changes occur in his overall attitude? He may, if given the opportunity, discover that he'd like more time in classes. I'm guessing that at age 4, he'd get more out of less structure.
I hope you find a balance that works well for your family. You sound like a caring mom!
It's normal. Socialization is a lot longer process than people think. A few activities is good but try not to overwhelm him or they will dig their heels in and rebel.
My son loved the Little Gym at 4 yrs old, but on the last day of class all the parents were there for pictures and he got stage fright and wouldn't leave my lap. In kindergarten he got pretty good singing with a group and he had no troubles singing on stage.
Now he's 12, he's first chair in clarinet and 2nd Don level black belt who helps to instruct the class. He's an out going kid who gets along well with just about anybody and was voted most tolerant of his class.
Give it some time and be patient with him.
He sounds EXACTLY like our son when he was that age. (His personality and likes sound the same too.) I am guessing with a certain personality that this is veyr common. I met another parent when my son was 4 and complained to her about this (he was refusing to participate in T-ball at the time). She said one of her daughters was just like this and she outgrew it at age 7. Well, my son is 7 now and lo and behold he is definitely outgrowing it!!! He now picks what he wants to do and he happily participates. I am guessing you will just have to wait for him to mature. My son is veyr smart and very competitive and he just could not stand the though of losing or doing something wrong. Or a class might be "too babyish" or "too boring" or whatever. What I did was just back off and I let him just have more unstructured play time with lots of set up play dates. I told him he HAD to pick one activity to be in though. He did swim lessons for a while. Then he did gymnastics and is still doing it. Now he is suddenly asking to play soccer, do golf camp, cub scout camp, etc. As for board games we continued to play them and sometimes we would make sure he lost. We would talk about how it's still fun to just play and show him how we were still enjoying ourselves when we were losing. We made sure to get some games where no one is really a loser too, and he enjoyed those a lot more. (Break The Safe is a great one!) Since starting school (he's in 1st grade now) he has come a LONG way and I think school and the activities they do there with the other kids really helped him with this. I am glad he is finally outgrowing this. Hang in there! Again, my guess is he will simply outgrow it, but keep working with him!
he may be saying yes because it sounds good when you ask but that's alot(to me) four a four year old. his reaction to it is normal because mine does that to. i;m not saying you shouldnt enroll him in anything( you should) but that's alot for him to swallow and it;s a lot switching up, kindergarten on this day, daycare on this day,etc. it normal to want your child to be well rounded and experience new things but all things in moderation. maybe cut back on a few things. This is just my opinion. and i wish you the best of luck.
Yep, he sounds NORMAL to me.
I have a 4 year old boy.
Now, I really don't think, he 'has to' be in all those classes.
Each child, has their "own" personality and interests and talents.
Boys are active. My son is so active! He is bright and creative and his own person. He has his own interests too. Does not draw much or stay still much, either. Boys, are physically active. Not like my daughter who would SIT and do those things.
Very normal.
I do not have my son is any 'classes' yet. But he does go to Preschool 3 times a week.
Per HIM... that is fine.
He is different than my Daughter was at that age.
I know that.
But I know my son's interests: music, martial arts, and just playing.
So, when "HE" is ready, we will enroll him in classes.
We gauge HIM.
4 years old, is not an easy age, developmentally.
Totally normal. My son is now 5 and his not an only child. I've just since his 5th bday started asking him about doing different activities. He goes to daycare m-f since we both work and he is in a sports class at daycare. He told me just the other day he doesn't want to do sports anymore cause the teacher always tells him to go sit down when he needs to ask a question. It's actually funny to hear him say it. You just have to go with the flow with them at that age. He has said he wants to do football cause his older brother does football, so when that time comes we will see. But I definitely don't want to sign him up and then we all sit there because he refuses to play. I think 4 his a hard age for them to understand you said you wanted to do this now you have to follow through. I think that takes a lot more time to learn.
Good Luck...you are definitely not alone!
He sounds perfectly normal. A lot (I would say most) kids are not developmentally ready for structured classes and sports until around age 6 or so. For example my daughter wanted to take ballet when she was about three and a half. Of course I was thrilled, signed her up, took her shopping for the leo and slippers. We go to the first class and she hates it. She doesn't want to pay attention to instructions for 45 minutes, she wants to run around dancing in front of the mirror to the pretty music. Lesson learned :(
Flash forward: she ended up "trying" gymnastics at the ripe old age of 9 and she is now on a competitive team!
I know as a mom you're trying to give him as many opportunities as possible but don't worry, he'll get there. My husband comes from a large family of athletes. As kids NONE of them started playing an organized sport until they were at least 8. That used to be the norm. Now the trend is to start earlier and earlier for everything (teach your baby to read! piano lessons at age 2!) I say hold off on the classes/sports for now, make sure he gets lots of social interaction and exposure to the wider world (parks, kids museums, zoos, etc.) He'll figure out what he likes to do and you can be right there beside him enjoying the journey :)
Since he sits & plays w/ stuffed animals, my gut says no adhd (my 5 yr. old nephew has a mild case & rarely sits still to do anything). I would recommend not forcing him to finish each activity...by this I mean finish the one class, but not finish the entire season. My son is almost 5. He's been in several activities & has been in 2 day morning preschool for 2 years. He is in soccer for the 2nd time. During this 2nd season, he left the class early saying he didn't want to finish, and the next week cried b/c the didn't want to go. After asking him many questions about how he was feeling, I figured out that this class was too advanced, the kids were too competitive and most were older/bigger than him (he's almost 5, the class was for 4-6 year olds...but most were older than him). I asked if I moved him to the same class as last season if he would go & he said yes. So, I called, they moved him down (4 other boys also moved from the advanced soccer to the level below it). My son is excited about soccer again & has soo much fun doing it. So, if I forced him to finish the season, he would have had ill feelings towards soccer & towards myself...and maybe towards any other sports. So, dive deeper into your son's feelings. Maybe he is feeling something similar & just needs to be placed into a different class.
My 4 1/2 year old does the same thing. He is currently in Soccer and every Saturday he says he doesn't want to go and adamantly refuses to go. We make him go and he has a great time while there and is actually really good for first timer. I think it's important for them to follow thru with things and then if they don't want to do it again, they don't have to. He has a younger sibling, 2 years old, but I don't think that has any bearing on the way he is. He is very social, competitive, active. I think doing diverse activities helps them learn what they like. Last year he did Tae Kwon Do, and the year before was a Toddler Sports Class with baseball and basketball, and he did the same thing, but he finished and was very proud of himself. I will continue to enroll him in different activities regardless.
