4-Year-old and Sleeping Situation

Is her room warm at night or cold? My daughter did this to me when she was about that age. I found out that she was cold and wanted to get warm and put warmer clothes on her and she stayed in her bed.

Hubby wasn't too thrilled with having her in the bed with us. But then that was a long time ago.

Since you are trying to have another one her climbing in to bed might change the mood and there will be no second child. Something to consider.

Good luck on how you handle the sleeping arrangements.

The other S.

When our son was 3 we just put our foot down on him climbing into bed with us in the middle of the night. He was a kicker and a mover when he slept and it was very uncomfortable with him in the bed. Basically, we had to just be very very consistent and walk him back to his own bed every single time. I or my husband would sometimes lie down with him for 5 minutes. We never once gave in and he quickly stopped doing it. If you are not waking up when she climbs in then that is a problem! I am a really light sleeper, so I would wake up every time.

I with you on the co-sleeping thing and my husband is like yours, however, we haven't really had to deal with this YET! My daughter who is almost 4 has only come into our bed a few times when she was sick and we didn't have any trouble getting her back into her bed the next night. My son, who is 2, is another story. I have a feeling he'll be sneaking into our bed once he is in a toddler bed. My thoughts are, you need to feel right about the situation. If you want a family bed, go for it. If you don't, then now is the time to work on getting your daughter back into her bed. Don't think about how you or your husband were raised, think about how you feel about having your child in bed with you every night. You have to do what works best for you and the only right answer is the one you make.

Heck we used to wake up some mornings to find three of them in bed with
us. I think all kids go thru this. It never bothered me or my husband. Some
times it was just nice to wake up and snuggle with everyone. They eventually stopped. Some folks do not want this, in which case you just
keep taking them back to bed and put up with the crying etc. Eventually,
the kids get it and stay put. However, that is not me. So I am with your
husband on this one.

I co-slept with my daughter from brith to 5 months, then she was always in her crib or bed (she is 5 years old now). We do not allow her to sleep in our bed, she can snuggle with us in the morning (about 15-30 mins) but not before 6:30am. She needs to stay in her own bed/room from the time we put her down till 6:30am, of course she can use the bathroom (she usually does not get up till 7:30am anyway). Rule, she has to knock before she comes in, ask what is up because we may be "busy" or too early to get up if something is not wrong.

I think with the whole, try for another baby, is going to make this co-sleeping a huge issue. Ask her why she does not want to sleep in her bed, maybe there is a strange noise(s) orsomething else that is bugging her... after that put her to bed and she has to learn to sleep in her bed (put her down again with no talking). In the end you and hubby have to be on the same front about this, have you seen 'the supernanny' bed time routine... it worked for us.

When in strange places, like a hotel, I usually share a bed with my daughter because she does not sleep well in strange places.

When my daughter is sick (flu & throwing up) I sleep on my daughter's floor with the bucket within reach... but my daughter knows that this is a specail case.

She really will grow out of this on her own. She will wake up one day and decide that she's a big girl and wants to sleep in her own bed. I say that with all sincerity ... she's not going to be 16 and still coming in to your bed.

When my oldest was born I wanted him in the crib, period. But then I spent so much time and energy trying to get him to go back to sleep or stay asleep in his crib. My friend said, "Who cares where he sleeps as long as he sleeps!" Wow! Was that an eye opening moment for me. I started bringing him into bed with me, and I've been happier ever since.

So, my question for you is, who cares where she sleeps as long as everyone gets a good night's sleep?

One thing you could try would be to have a talk with her ahead of time about how she needs to stay in her own bed instead of coming into yours. If you are that adamant that she stay in her own bed, it might be helpful to talk with her about it beforehand, when it's not the middle of the night and it's not such an emotionally charged moment and she's in the midst of having a meltdown when all you want to do is get back to sleep. That's helped me a lot with our daughter when there is a behavior of hers that I want to change - i.e. pitching a fit when it's time to leave someplace where she's been having fun. I tell her BEFORE we get there that this is the deal and I expect her to cooperate and come along when it's time to go, no screaming and whining allowed. Maybe with her birthday coming up, you could work with that - as in, "Now that you are going to be 4 years old, you need to be able to sleep in your own bed."

The alternative is just to let her sleep with you guys if she decides to join you in the middle of the night, and not make a big deal about it if everyone is getting enough sleep and no one is being disturbed. Sometimes my daughter wants to crawl in with us in the middle of the night because she says she's had a bad dream, or whatever. I tell her she can cuddle with us for a little bit (15 to 30 minutes) and then I will tuck her back into her own bed. She seems satisfied with that. Sometimes she tries to argue that she wants to stay, or wants me to stay with her in her bed, but I just stand firm and say no - this is what we allow, and that's it. Our bed is smaller and she tends to move around a lot, lay sideways, push against us so we have even less room, etc. So co-sleeping really wouldn't work for us because nobody (except her) is comfortable or getting enough rest.

I co-sleep with my daughter. As long as you all are getting enough sleep, my opinion is that this is not an issue. Why do adults get to have the warmth and comfort of sleeping with someone they love, but our little children are supposed to sleep alone? That never made sense to me. Now, if you told me that no one was getting rested, then I would have a different answer.

My son has been doing this (he's 2.5) just in the last couple of months. We only have a queen size bed and he does a full 360 while sleeping so he DOES disturb our sleep which is why I'm trying to transition him back into his own room. If he didn't disturb us and we all got our sleep though I don't think I would care. It is nice to wake up and see his sleeping face on my pillow sometimes :)

We have two girls, 3-1/2 years apart, and the oldest started sleeping with us when she was one month old b/c of a health scare and slept with us from then on until our youngest was born. We got them both into bed/crib after the second was born for several months but eventually the both ended up in bed with until the oldest started school when she was almost 6. I would not trade it for anything. Four people in a queen size bed can be pretty tight but it worked for us and I contribute being so close to both of my girls partly to this experience.

PS. I'm sorry H.R. feels so strongly about your situation, don't beat yourself up over it. Every family is different:)

I'm with you. I don't "do" co-sleeping either, but I certainly don't begrudge anyone who does, but it doesn't work for us. I think since sometimes you arne't even being disturbed you need to just decide what you want and how to go about it. I am a light sleeper as well and am always disturbed by anyone or anything moving around in the night, in my bed or not! ;) It's funny b/c I wasn't really like this until I became a mom...maybe I'm just too paranoid! Haha!

My daughter also went through a phase when she would come in in the middle of the night. So, we had the talk when it was day time and light outside so she knew what to expect. I told her that if she came in we would take her back to her room and put her back in bed. I did let her snuggle for a few minutes, but then it was back to bed. At first she cried, but we stayed strong and kept doing it and it didn't really take that long for her to stop. Also, we taught her number recognition (she was just under 2) and told her that when the clock had a 7 at the beginning she could come in. She was actually really good about that and it hasn't been an issue since. Your daughter is 4 so she'll understand the parameters you set in place, she just might not like them! ;) But, stay consistent and caring and explain that you love her, but need your sleep (and some time to not worry about being interrupted if you're trying to get pregnant!). For me, that was the worst...constantly wondering if she was going to come in or not...I wouldn't sleep well always wondering and I never wanted to have sex for fear she'd pop in, so once we had a plan I felt a lot better about things!

Plus, I do think it's a good idea to think ahead like you said and consider how it will all play out if you have an infant in the future. It's hard to say b/c maybe she'd be over it by then, or maybe not. Ultimately, do what you feel comfortable doing. I know you have the added pressure of your husband, but if you don't want to do it, don't guilt yourself into doing it.

Get one of those alarms that lights up instead of makes noise and get it to go off about 1/2 an hour before you get up. Tell her if she wakes up, she can come get into your bed if the light is on. Otherwise, tell her to stay in bed until the light comes on. She will probably start falling back asleep while waiting for the alarm to go off, but that still gives her a chance for a little extra snuggle time in the morning...
Or,
Just let her do it. My family never coslept. Now, my four year old sleeps with us, and my one year old sleeps in the same room. My eight year old slept with us until she turned five, then moved to her own room. My four year old will move in with her this summer because she will need to go to bed earlier to get up for school (she turns five in August.) It has not been a big deal either way, and I get up really early to go to work, so that keeps the younger ones in the room with my husband. He stays at home with them during the day, so this has just been the way that worked best for us.

I think you are great for being so open-minded about the options. For me, I am also not opposed to co-sleeping, and we did it occasionally with our oldest because she had a lot of trouble sleeping (still does), but it really wasn't the best solution for us as none of us slept well that way.

Our oldest is also 4. She sometimes comes in our room at night, too. Sometimes we let her stay til she falls asleep and then carry her back to her room. But she's getting too heavy! So most of the time when she comes in, one of us (usually me) gets up and takes her back to her room and lays down with her for awhile. I struggle because I don't want to create bad sleep habits, but I also don't want her to feel abandoned when she's had a nightmare or wakes up and is afraid of the dark.

My suggestion would be to take her to her room and lie down with her til she falls asleep the first night, then til she's almost asleep the next time, and keep moving it back til you are just tucking her in, sitting on the edge of the bed and rubbing her back or singing a lullaby or something. Good luck!

I agree with your husband, you are making a big deal out of this, and will regret your attitude later. Your child obviously wants or needs security, and you just want to throw her back to the dungeon. I can only imagine once you have a new baby, spending all night with the infant how neglected your 4 year old will feel being sent back out of your room. Think about how it feels for your 4 year old !!! Its only so long and they will be grown up, not even needing you anymore - just enjoy the time you have now with your child and stop making them feel bad for wanting to stay with mom/dad. Of course your child will eventually grow out of it, but in the meantime don't move your child out or make them feel bad for wanting that security. Its a sad situation that you never had a co-sleeping situation, maybe now you need to learn something new and go with the flow instead of following the old stoic ways of your past.