3 Year Old Cries for No Reason

My older son will be 3 in a couple of weeks. There are times when he will be a little "sensitive". My approach depends on what the issue is. If he's whining for a cookie, I tell him that I can't understand him when he talks like that and I coax him to "Say 'May I have a cookie please?'" If he wants a toy that his little brother has and gets upset, I tell him he has other toys and he can play with (toy A) when Ryan is done. If he has a fit, I ignore him.

Finally, I've found a method that has worked well. If he's to the point of just sobbing or almost unreachable (usually TIRED), then I sit down on the floor by him and I say (calmly), "Jacob, that's enough. Look at Mom. Let's take a deep breath together." Then I count, 1,2 3 and I inhale loudly and deeply. By the second time, he will do it with me and it's like magic. I usually ask him if he's all better and I get a hug and we go on with life.

Time-outs are saved for when his crying ends up in him trying to hit or throwing things. Then, it's not about the crying, but the unacceptable behavior.

Good luck.

T.

One possibility is the age- I have a 3 year old daughter and babysit a 3 year old boy and lately they have been SO emotional! Everything brings on the tears lately- I think it is some sort of development stage so hang in there!

My daughter is the same way. She's six now, and has been what I think of as hyper-sensitive since she was three or so. The only tactic that seems to diminish the crying is to say, "I'm sorry you are feeling sad. I wish I could do something to help you feel better. If you think of something, let me know. Until then, we'll need to leave the store (party, etc.) so we don't disturb anyone else." If we're home when she cries, I change the last line to something like, "Until then, you can go in your room, and come back out when you are finished crying" (I don't ever refer to being in her room as a time out). Often, saying she'll need to separate herself from the fun shuts off the waterworks. These words and actions also let my daughter know I'm concerned about her, but that I'm not going to give the behavior undue attention. I learned these techniques through Love and Logic books as well as by attending a place called Tuesday's Child, which is staffed by child psychologists. My daughter's crying episodes are less frequent and less intense than they were before, so I consider this approach a success.

Poor kiddo! Poor mommy! Have you had your daughter examined/evaluated for sensory integration disorder? There are some awesome techniques out there to deal with these issues, under the guidance of an OT or PT, of course.

Meanwhile, I urge you to read "Sensory Integration and Self-Regulation in Infants and Toddlers" by G. Gordon Williamson and Marie E. Anzalone. It will shed a ton of light on the situation, and if your kid has some form of SI how she perceives the world.

Good luck!

two things:
the first really saved me with my own very sensitive child -- Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Worth every minute of reading.
the second is that some children have ears that are more sensitive than others. it could be that certain pitches, tones and frequencies actually hurt her to hear.

Hi D.,

My niece had the same problem - really excessive crying for apparently no reason, sometimes going on for long periods of time where it didn't seem like she could get herself under control. This was when she was three. She was diagnosed with sensory integration disorder, but then my sister found out that she herself has celiac disease (where gluten attacks your intestine and keeps you from getting the nutrition you need) so she had all of her children tested. Turns out that my niece has it too. Now that she is off of gluten, she is a different little girl - sweet and happy. My sister said that she turned around so quick on the new diet - it was amazing. She thinks it is ridiculous that the doc thought it was a sensory disorder. A lot of doctors don't know very much about celiac disease at all. At the University of Chicago, they have a celiac center and free testing in October for people at risk. So, it could be nutritional too. Have a good talk with your pediatrician and try some different things before settling on one solution. Other dietary issues can also cause these kinds of symptoms. It may be sensory, it may not. Good luck!!!

My daughter is the same way. She's 5 1/2 and she still gets overly sensitive sometimes. My husband and I sat down and talked with her to see what was going on - there's usually some reason why. When your daughter is calm, Ask her why she gets so upset about different things - be specific. Have her think about and tell you why she feels upset and why she feels that she needs to throw fits to get her point across. Calmly explain to her that this behavior is unnecessary and unacceptable and that you love her very much, but you are not going to put up with it anymore. Tell her that it hurts you to watch her act this way, because you know that she is a good, sweet girl.
When she does start to feel like she's going to get upset, she needs to stop what she's doing, close her eyes, take a deep breath, and relax. Coach her along during this process, then ask her why she doesn't like to use the public bathroom or whatever the problem is (even if you already know why). Remind her that there is no reason to be afraid (or whatever the cause was) and that you are right there with her and you are not going to leave her side, and that you will do ____ together.
If she can't come up with a reason why herself, then ask her questions to see if you can come up with an answer together - since she's 3 she might not be able to put her feelings into words. Most of Haileys explainations were that she was either scared, sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, or she was just being stubborn, and sometimes she was just looking for some extra attention.
If the attention is the reason, then explain to her that there are better ways of getting your attention, such as... and that she's not going to get your attention that way.
Maybe try doing a sticker chart with her. Everytime she is able to control herself and not have a fit, she gets a sticker. After ____ stickers, she can have some sort of small gift or treat or alone time with you (depending on the reason).
I know some of this seems complex for a 3 year old, but it works - trust me.
Also, see if there is a pattern... does she get more sensitive around nap/bed-time? Maybe she's tired, or maybe her schedule needs to be altered a little bit. Or maybe she recently stopped taking naps, but still needs a short 'quiet-time' break in the afternoon, when she doesn't have to sleep, but she does need to quietly play in her room with a few toys, or some books to look at, by herself. That helped my daughter sometimes.
I hope this helps, good luck!!!!!

I agree with some of the advice that I have seen here. If you feel that it is beyond rational, I would find out if there is some kind of sensory disorder. It could just be normal sensitivity issues, or it could be something more. An irrational fear of public bathrooms and things like that could indicate a bigger problem. However, I must tell you that 2 of my children had a phobia about the self flushing toilets that you find in some public restrooms. My kids never "freaked out" and cryed they just refused to use the bathroom. You should use your gut to let you know if it is beyond what seems normal to you. A mother's intuition is the best thing out there. Good luck to you!

Perhpas your daughter has some sensory issues- ask your ped for an evaluation and I highly recommend the pediatric place

Timeouts are definitely not helpful for a crying child. They only create distance rather than closeness in a family. There are a few books that may give you some good advice. One is "Smart Love" and some of the Sears books are good on attachment parenting. your little one may need a close form of parenting. Alfie Cohen has also written some books that describe that kind of parenting. While she is still young, trying to talk to her about what she is feeling and why it is scaring her may be the best approach and reassuring her that you are all there for her and will keep her safe.

My son is now 4 and I hate to say he still crys about everything. For some reason it is his response to EVERYTHING! I think a lot of it has to do with being tired. Does your daughter nap anymore? My son takes naps sometimes but not like he used to before he was 3.I had one child deal with sensitivity issues and I do not see this as the same thing. He cries like anyone else would breathe. He can start and stop at any given time so I do not feel he is overly upset, just using tears instead of words. For example, he crys when the 11 month old goes by him and he has a dirty diaper!?@
We do silly things to try and stop the crying to get him to use words as a response instead of tears. Like in the morning he wakes up, asks where my husband is, I say at work and he starts crying...EVERY MORNING! So, now when I get him a drink we pretend it is "silly juice". This usually stops the tears enough that we can talk about why he is upset and figure out what we can do to suprise dad when he gets home from work. I feel a bit looney at times but since he is over-doing the crying, I over-do the silly.
Sometimes, when nothing seems to work, I tell him he can cry if he needs to but he has to do it in a different room. So, I turn on a kid show in my bedroom and he stays in there until he is happy again. I would say that 80% of the time he falls asleep in there within 10 minutes!! If not he just sits calmly in his own space.
Good Luck! I know how that crying can just eat away at you!!
J.

check into hypoglycemia this happened to out daughter and around the same age too.
also any yeast issues? been on antibiotics a ton? just a thought not sure though...
J.

Hi D.! I feel your pain. When I saw your post I clicked on it right away because my beautiful, sweet, wonderful 3.5 year old does EXACTLY the same thing. I agree with you. everything under the sun makes her cry ... I put the tooth paste on for her or I didn't I got her juice because she asked for it ... She sees her sister with a toy that she has not played with in over a year and all of the sudden she has to have it ... Life or death. She seems to be having a really hard time understanding that other people want to play with toys and she needs to let them. It is not even a sharing issue because it is not as if something was taken from her.

My daughter is so sensitive. I try really, really hard to address the situation calmly and ask her why she is so upset but sometimes she is upset about the silliest stuff (I closed the toilet lid, or I flushed the toilet ... I sat on the couch instead of the chair etc...).

I also think she is hearing some hurtful things are preschool because now when she gets upset she says things like "I don't like you anymore. I don't want to be your friend anymore. I never want to see your face again." She DOES get in trouble for this ... I know she is just trying to figure out how to deal with frusteration and emotion but I need her to know it is NOT ok to say hurtful things.

I have been wondering if this is a normal 3 year old thing of is my baby has some type of emotional problem.

We are a close family. We are a happy family. It breaks my heart and I wish I knew what to do.

Some of the other advice has been helpful, I think. The log may be a good idea. Maybe you can see if there is a pattern? Maybe she is really tired when it happens and you have not put that together. What are times when she is NOT upset, what's different when she is.

I also had a friend suggest yesterday that I ask her to draw a picture of what she is feeling and then afterwards we can talk about it. Maybe she does not know how to verbalize the problem but may be able to draw it.

I also wanted to give you some hugs because I think a little bit of this advise was harsh. Since I am in the same situation I CAN see why you would consider a time out ... I can understand why you are frusterated. When it seems like this is happening for no reason at all ... Maybe for attention it is hard to take.

I KNOW how you feel. Sometimes I think it is for attention and sometimes I worry that something may be wrong. My child is extremely close with her sister - she adores her, but I am sure she is still jealous.

Anyway ... Send me a private response if you want to chat, I am more than happy to.

And please share any useful advice you get that works!

We have 2 girls one is 7 and has always been an emotional mess and the other is 5 and couldn't give a rip about anything. Frankly, I think some kids are just wired differently. It has taken a VERY long time for us to get used to the older one crying for what appears as no reason---and really I think there isn't always a reason. She gets upset and hides under the table or behind the tree. One thing we found is that she really can't talk about what she is upset about at the time and trying to get her to makes it much worse. We have to let her cry it out, calm down and ask her about it later (like at bedtime). By then she is calm and can usually talk without being crazy again. The other thing is that little kids don't know how to calm themselves down. Telling her to calm down won't help because she has no clue how to do that...talk her through calming herself down. We tell our daughter to take a breath, blow it out slowly, breath, purse your lips, blow it out...that kind of thing. She will also let us and wants us to rub her back sometimes to help her calm down (the other one gets madder if we do that). Anyway...all this calming is just so you can get her relaxed in a reasonable time...it doesn't help the root cause. So long as she doesn't have a medical issue and is just a sensitive kid...once she's calm and it is a long time since the trigger incident you can talk and try to figure out a way to help her deal with the triggers. Maybe you can teach her to start trying the calming techniques when she starts to feel like she's going to cry instead of waiting for a full blow out....good luck....my 7 year is just now starting to be not so sensitive.

Hi D.,

Boy can I relate. My son has always be more sensitive than his friends. We have gone through all of the phases with him as parents - embarassed, overly protective, angry, you name it. It is frustrating that it seems nothing works. Well, he is going to be six in September and is really starting to grow out of it (at least in public) in the last six months. We have used a combination of planned ignoring, comforting words and reassurance that mom and dad will take care of him. It's a trust issue and you're going to have to just hang in there. The good news is that I think we have a tighter bond because of it. Good luck and know that you are going to be the ones to help her get through this, so keep your chin up and stay calm with her.

A.

I agree with the other advice (to keep a log, talk to the pediatrician), but also wanted to add sensory integration issues as a possible cause if it doesn't seem to be emotional triggers but environmental. My son was very sensitive to noisy environments at that age (and terrified of public bathrooms.) Good luck!

I agree with the other poster keep a journal for a few days and write down what was happening when she started crying and ask her why she is upset and write down whatever she says. After a week take your information to the peditrician. They will need as much information as you can possibly give them. It could just be a phase or it could be some sort of imbalance in her system, but you will need to know what to tell them.

When my daughter started stuttering I had to write down when she did it and also video taped her so the peditrician could see what was going on. The ped said that was very helpful and was able to help me fast than not really knowing what was going on.

The problem sounds like she's excessively stressed out and the only way she knows how to relieve the tension is to cry. I would talk to my pediatrician about this. Although it does sound like she's crying at the drop of a hat and for little or no reason, I would try to keep a journal at least for a couple of days on when she cried, why, and for how long. That way you'll have some documentation to take to your pediatrician if you decide to go that route. (I've found keeping a journal or a diary is helpful to finding patterns and gaining more insight in my personal life.) I'm sure that this is very stressful for you and and your family. My best wishes to you.

Hi D.,
I have a 3 yr old boy who was diagnosed with sensory intergration dysfunction at 15 months old. He used to cry mostly when other kids cried or screamed near him. He was also very sensitive to loud noises (blenders, vaccum cleaners etc) and would plug his ears until the noise stopped. His doctor explained that he hears sounds more loudly than we do and that combined with the lack of understanding due to his age is upsetting for him and so the result is a total meltdown. Also I think he really was genuinely upset for the child and felt their stress too.
Now that he is a little older and after lots of explaining why, he can better understand the reasons babies are crying (tired, hungry) and instead of always plugging his ears (which we told him is rude) he now tries to console them and tell them "its OK dont cry little baby"
Try to find out how your daughter feels when she hears a child cry and see if you can give her ideas about how to better handle the stress its causing her. Maybe she can ask for a hug from you (sensitive children crave that deep pressure and it has a calming effect for them)or maybe she can ask to give that child a hug to help make them feel better and in return will help her feel better too.
Ask your doctor about it and get some great ideas from him as well. Good luck and I know she will find some great coping skills along the way.

D., something is making her cry. There is a reason and I would not say there is no reason.

When an insult occurs (an insult is our perception of whatever we see) a our mind takes a photograph of it. The photograph gets stored in our brain. And when something stimulates that unconscious photograph it triggers a reaction. So your daughter has a picture that triggers her fear and then she cries.

I know one therapist that I would trust with your daughter. If you want her name, telephone number and location, please email me at ____@____.com

This will not take long to do, maybe one or two sessions and it very easy to take care of.

Since I did not ask her permission to give out her information I feel uncomfortable putting it in a public forum. But she does take referrals.

M.

Have you spoken to a dr.? This sounds like a medical problem. Why would you give her a time out for being upset? Could be medical depression.

Some of this could be because of her little sister. Not that her little sister is doing anything it may be just because she is there. One thing you said is that she cries if she sees her little sister in the high chair. She might not want her to be in the high chair that use to be hers. As far as public bathrooms my son use to hate public bathrooms. He would hold it as long as possible before mentioning anything in hopes that we would be home soon.
She may just be going through some hormone changes that set her off. i would mention it to your doctor and see what he or she thinks.
Please do not put her in time-out till you are sure that it is not something hormonal that she can not control.

Best Wishes
S.