3 Year Old Behavior - Los Angeles,CA

Kids this age don't have empathy yet, so you can't get them to feel things they don't yet feel. That's kind of the theory behind not forcing young kids to say they are sorry - because they aren't! And they think "I'm sorry" is the same as "do-over" - that it undoes what they just said/did.

So they have to be taught what they are allowed to say to others, and what they are not. It doesn't mean they can't have the feelings - it means they can't say them to people's faces, but only privately to you or Dad. You can discipline her for being rude - which is different from being angry at her for having the feelings she has.

I think your husband responded with his own hurt, instead of realizing where 3 year olds are at. I'm not sure that putting hurt back on her, or treating her with the same rejection, is a good technique - it's "eye for an eye" and really justifies her behavior.

She also doesn't have enough vocabulary or depth of feeling to explain the difference between "I don't like you, Daddy" and "I'm a little sad because I realize you've been gone all day and, by the way, it's 5:30 PM and I'm tired. And now Mommy is going to talk to you about your day, and that leaves me by myself." Big difference!

A lot of people recommend "Love and Logic" and also "How to talk so kids will listen...." Those might help you and your husband agree on how to handle these things and give you the vocabulary you are lacking.

By asking her things like "why don't you like Grandma?", even if she says that Grandma wears too much perfume or walks too slowly, you're feeding into these statements she's making.

If she says "I don't like Grandma", don't take the bait (whether it's intentional or not), don't add fuel to the fire. Simply state "Grandma loves you". Don't discuss, prolong, or try to get her to share these feelings. If she tells you she hates you because you won't let her have cookies for supper, simply say "mommy loves you enough to make sure you grow up healthy, and cookies are not a healthy supper. But after supper we'll all have a cookie." End of discussion. No sighs, eye-rolling, anger.

Now, if she says "I'm afraid to go to the playground", then get her to share information. Is she afraid of falling off the swing and scraping her knee? Are there bigger kids there who seem scary because they're running around really fast?

And help your husband respond to hurtful comments by saying "well, I love you SOOOOOOOO much" and don't play into the drama.

Help her learn which feelings should be explored (fears, joy, anticipation, etc) and which kinds of statements cause hurt and won't be tolerated. Just respond with a truthful statement and don't explore any further. Demonstrate positive statements. Tell her truthful things about herself (don't say "you're the prettiest girl in the whole world", but say "I love watching you play with your dolls" or "you built such a tall tower with your blocks" or "thank you for being so kind and getting the baby the toy that he dropped").

she's only 3. she's too small to put in charge of your (or your husband's) feelings.
you can't explain complex emotional and psychological tangles to 3 year olds. it's on you guys to understand that when she says 'i don't like you' she doesn't mean it forever but she DOES mean it in that moment, and not to get butthurt over it.
i'm with you. i mean, a lot of people play the 'then i will be hurt and not talk to you' card with kids in order to 'teach them what it feels like' but adults have mostly forgotten what it's like to be 3. she's in the moment. and in that moment she didn't want to hug daddy and liked mommy better.
is it really appropriate to guilt-trip her over that?
empathy will come later, it will come slowly and incrementally, and it will come because she sees and feels it in her home, not because her parents lecture her about it.
what i would say to a little person who snubbed me like that would be something like, 'well i love YOU, you little stinker' and go on about my business. and later when she wanted to play, i'd play with her, not try to manipulate her emotionally.
and probably tackle her and say 'NOW you little monster, i will go brrrrrrrp in your belly! don't tell ME you like mommy better!'
don't expect your 3 year old to be 'socially appropriate.' long learning curve on this stuff.
khairete
S.

I think your husband handled that really well. Also, I would just give her the words that you think she means when she says she doesn't like someone. Obviously, she likes her dad, so that isn't her actually sharing her feelings, I wouldn't ignore her if she said that to me.

I think he was exactly right.

Please find some local Love and Logic classes to take. This is exactly how they teach parents to respond. I don't want to spend time with people who.....then they go do stuff with people they do want to spend time with. That person learns what your husband said.

What do they do at her preschool? Early childhood educators are wonderful with this sort of thing, I would follow their lead (if you don't know then just ask.)
When she says "I don't like you" she probably means it, in the moment.
Sometimes I look at one of my kids and think the exact same thing...
Of course she needs to learn empathy, and how her words and actions make others feel.
But this is a process, not something she will "get" overnight.
Our teachers always used the approach of asking questions,
look at your friend.
does s/he look happy?
why do you think s/he is sad?
what can you do next time?
ex, instead of saying "I don't like you" let your friend know "I don't feel like playing right now."

When my daughter's were that age, I would have told them that comments like "I don't like you" are not nice to say and hurt people's feelings. I would ask them how they would feel if I said "I don't like you". I role played a lot with my girls teaching them how to handle themselves and especially teaching them to be kind.

I remember picking my daughter up from preschool. Of course I always asked about her day (activities, friends, what she learned etc). After we got done talking about her I would remind her to ask me how my day was. Kids need to be taught how not to be so completely self centered. 😊

Ugh. We've all been there! I think the key is to not focus on her "not liking them" but to address the real issue, because as you said, you know that's not it. She needs to learn how to identify other feelings. I do think it's okay to say things like that's not nice, that might hurt Daddy's feelings, etc., but give her the words to say what she means.

Maybe when a friend wants to play and she doesn't, teach her to say things like "I'm playing by myself right now" or "Can we play together later", etc. Maybe when she says I don't like you, she just means that she wants to play with another friend or do another thing.

As far as Dad, before he gets home, prep her and tell her Daddy will be home in a little bit...he will probably want a hug and kiss because he missed you all day. Ask her if she's willing to give Dad and a hug and kiss when he comes home. If she isn't, ask her how she's feeling. Maybe she's just used to you being with her all day and she has some anxiety when Dad comes home or she doesn't like change or whatever.

And...Dad needs to remember she's 3. And I get that he got his feelings hurt, we're all human, but instead of saying I don't want to play with you, at the moment he should have said something like, "I like to hug and kiss you so maybe you can you can hug me in a little bit"...or something.

As corny as it is, 3 y/os learn a lot with role playing. You could always role play what it's going to look like at school, when dad comes home, when something happens she doesn't like, etc. Also read a lot books. There are many books that deal with all sorts of scenarios and it might help her to be exposed to feelings and emotions this way too.

be a model of what you want her to be. she will learn it from you. when my kids say mean things like that to me or my husband we respond with that hurts my feelings. and move on unless the child responds to the hurt feelings. thenwe talk about it.

Well we kind of modeled appropriate behavior, and still do now (even with our teens).

I kind of get what your husband was doing. I think he was basically showing her what a kid would do. However, he should also explain it to her - in 3 year old terms - so she can understand. There has to be a combo.

We did the if you can't be nice, you don't get to join us - thing. I didn't do time outs unless they were tired and strung out. Then that was more time to yourself not to piss us off. And time to rest if they needed it. But with bad behavior? Like purposefully saying unkind things? We did the - when you can be friendly, we'll be ready to have you join us. If you say unkind things, take a moment and when you're ready to say kind things, we're ready to have you come join us ...

My kids have siblings (not sure if your little one does) but they handled this themselves. Kids do. Nothing gets through to another child than another one saying "You're not nice". Mine did that amongst themselves. If one didn't share, then the others didn't next time. Kids get it.

My kids were all over the place at 3. They didn't get half this stuff. I was just happy if they figured it out by the time they went off to school. They did. She's still pretty young. I didn't over analyze it when they were mad at someone or didn't want to share or talk to a child. they just weren't allowed to be rude. So if they were rude at a park, off we went home. That kind of thing.

Hope that helps. Good luck :)

My kids were taught at a young age, that you have to respect others feelings. I don't think your husband handled the situation wrong at all. I would have done the same thing. Doing that will teach your daughter that her words have concequences. Tell her that if she's not nice to others, others aren't going to want to be nice to her.