3 Year Old Aggressive with Baby Brother

I don't think in your situation time outs or spanking are going to work. I recently read a book called "Einstein Never Used Flash Cards" that was comprised of a review of several social psychological studies conducted in the field of behavioral development of children. One of the studies that really spoke to me as a mother of two boys (3 and 1 years old) is that children do not start to truly empathize until age 4 or 5 - meaning that if you tell your 3 year old "ouch, that hurts me/baby/your friend" in his mind he is thinking "but it doesn't hurt me, so how can it hurt you?"

Using this insight I start to rephrase my scolding from "don't push Brother that hurts him" to "how does it make you feel if someone pushes you? How do you think it makes brother feel when you push him?"

This is done calmly and not in the heat of the moment so to speak. I also spend one-on-one time with my oldest when the baby is napping doing special crafts or snuggling up with him on the couch for stories or a movie for quiet time (he no longer naps - boo!). As my 1 year old has become more mobile and more able to get into his brother's toys there has been a surge of fighting - it's hard to share! I can't imagine what I would do if one of my neighbors came into my garage and started to walk out with some of my things in the spirit of sharing!!! For these times it depends on the toy - if it is something safe for baby I usually say he gets a 2 minute turn and then you can have it - the baby typically loses interest before then (as does the oldest!) if it is something unsafe (more of an issue when he was younger) then I will praise my oldest for pointing it out because it isn't safe for brother and I will take the toy away and tell the oldest that if he would like to play with it he needs to do so at the table or in his room so brother won't get hurt.

We also have special things that only my oldest can do right now like play dough (youngest eats it - yuck!) and painting (again with the eating!) as well as other crafts with small parts like googly eyes. I do try to do these while the baby is napping so he doesn't feel excluded but it does make the oldest feel special.

So given all that, do my boys always play peacefully and safely? Nope. preschoolers are notorious for their lack of impulse control so if baby is on something or in something older sib wants or has been scolded for before, you bet he is going to knock or pull that baby down! And this happens even when I'm sitting right next to them - sometimes those buggers are just so fast. But they love each other and soon all is forgiven - like everything else parents do, we have to teach our children how to be good siblings. It's probably the hardest thing since it isn't like teaching the paradigm of play dates because that younger sibling is constantly there and the most important thing in their lives - you (or DH) - no longer has their undivided attention.

Also, I think that everything you are describing is completely age appropriate for your son. My oldest will be 4 in September and it is remarkable how much he has "matured" over the last few months. I'm pretty sure you don't have a "Good Son" situation! Anyway, hope my rambling helps you out and congrats on having two boys - makes life that much crazier, doesn't it?

this is not just a brother thing....girls do it, too!

The only way to stop this is to be miitantly proactive in your approach. Stop your older son BEFORE he initiates his inappropriate actions. Ask him if he's thinking about how to be nice! The more you take the time to prevent these actions, the quicker he'll learn exactly what you don't want to see!

Until you take the time to do this......all you're doing is spouting words at him that he's not hearing & being reactive in the worst way. At that point, the deed is done & he's in trouble...... Peace!

My daughter was already 3 almost 4, when I had my 2nd child.
What I did was:
- explain to her what a baby was. ie: it cries, cannot do what she does, it wakes and feeds from Mommy. They don't know how to do things yet. They don't talk yet. They are delicate. You need to be gentle. They are not like you. But you were like that too, at that age.
- Each Month, I explained to my eldest, about how baby is changing and the 'phases' they go through.
- I explained, that SHE "will always be my first baby."
- I did not "expect" her to be anything older, than what her age was. I explained, that she can tell me anything she needs to or feels. I am there for her. But Mommy takes care of baby too. A baby cannot care for themselves. And I still take care of her too. She is a child. I know that.

I always, spent a ton of time, talking with my daughter... because that bonded her with me. Not just doing things with her, but talking about things/anythings/what she wanted or needed to talk about. Even at that age.

At 3, a child does not have fully developed impulse-control yet. So, you have to also think about safety, for the baby. Too. As you mentioned.

You tell your eldest, the baby is NOT a toy.

A child this age, will not and cannot 'know' what a baby is... unless it is explained to them. In whatever way they will understand.
Also teach your Eldest, how to communicate his feelings... to YOU. Teach him the words for his feelings, and that he can tell you. Instead of acting it out when already frustrated.

I know its hard... because your son is rough and you are concerned about the safety of baby. So, when he is rough, you need to make sure, that he understands that he is 'hurting' the baby.

i am sorry, but, the time for hand holding is over, what your older child is doing is very dangerous, you should not have allowed this aggression to go on like this, an older child who pinches, bites, pulls, pushes, or puts things in the babys mouth that they can choke on..
NEEDS TO HAVE THEIR BEHIND PADDLED
or, would you prefer to wait until the kid shoves something in the babys month and then quitely walks away while the baby slowly suffocates ??
i once knew a couple just like you are decribing,older child was very aggressive toward their new sibling, pinched, pulled, bit the baby and the parents wrung their hands and did nothing.. until one day, a social worker
invited herself over to come and talk to the parents about the unexplained and multible bruising and bite marks on their youngest, all of a sudden the parents figured out that they had a serious problem on their hands, but of course, by then the older childs behavior had become seriously ingrained,
so they ended up having to admit that their oldest had some serious problems,social services spent alot of time on their couch.do you see where this is going ?
K. h.

My children are a little bit further apart in age (just shy of 3 years between them) and we faced some of these same things.
First, I would say, lose the expectation that aggression between close siblings is normal behavior. It is possible (and I'm not saying that this is the only reason or cause of it) that your older son is picking up on the fact that you think some aggression is expected. If you lose the expectation of aggression between them, then you may stop the aggression at a lower stage.
Second, does he know HOW to play with his little brother? Does he know what kind of fun things his brother can do at this age? Have you taken time to play with them together so that both of them can feel involved with you as a group, feel safe and taken care of together instead of as individuals? At this stage where little brother is making advances on a daily and weekly time frame, you will need to help big brother understand what is appropriate on a daily and weekly basis.
The thing that has helped most between my kids (big brother is almost 6 now) is that they know they are expected to love, help, be nice to, play with, and share with one another. Conflicts arise, but aggression is not tolerated. Our challenge now is to help them learn how to resolve the conflicts between themselves without always having to tattle. The challenges never end, but seeing my children loving and caring for one another is all the reward I need.