Hi, Mamas! My son is 4 and a half, and he's in his second year of Pre-K. Last year, his class was slightly more boys than girls. This year, with the same teacher, the class has significantly more girls than boys. It seems like the girls are the young ones (ages 3 or almost 4), and 3 of the 4 boys are among the oldest in the class.
Over this past summer, my son told me that a girl in his class kissed him on the lips last year. I was shocked because he didn't tell me sooner. I decided that he didn't think it was a big deal at the time, and it just came in his mind for some reason. I told him that kissing on the lips spreads germs. I said that Mom and Dad do it because it's okay for married Moms and Dads to share germs. I said that he could hug and kiss his friends and family on the cheek at home. At school, he is to give hugs and high-fives. He was fine with that conversation, life went on without another comment about girls or kissing all summer.
This school year is almost 3 weeks old. Yesterday, he talked for about 10 minutes straight about girls and them trying to kiss him all the time at recess. He went on to say that one girl said that he was married to another girl and they were going to sleep in the same bed. I was really disturbed. Okay, okay, I'll admit that he probably meant literally snooze like Mom and Dad do in the same bed, but this is new territory for me. I spoke with a parent of his best buddy last night, and she seems to think that this is normal and that the kids don't really look at this as an adult would. I am concerned that the teacher isn't intervening with better options for recess play. I get that kids will chase each other, but why is the "catching" a kiss or now "we're married"? I think it's weird. I called a dear friend who runs a different preschool class, and she said that perhaps there is student who is a bit more exposed to sexual stuff and is teaching the rest of the class.
I don't want to blow this off and wait until he's 12 to talk about it. I feel that my attitudes about it NOW will form how he handles this attention later. I NEED HELP AND IDEAS! I am very open with my son about our bodies, and I answer any of his questions honestly. My parents were completely closed off about these topics when I was his age, and I was a boy-crazy one for a couple of decades. I simply want him to respect his and other people's bodies.
I totally understand that my son is innocent, and I'm doing my best not to project my fears onto him. I want ideas of what to say and how to handle the conversations when he talks about it.
Thank you for all of the responses! I believe that the imitation is normal behavior, but his new obsession with it is why I am concerned. It seems like the group of kids wanting to be inappropriate is way stronger than my wanting him to stand up for the boundaries that I taught him. I can see why... in his class of 22 kids, very likely the majority of parents think that this kissing at school is "normal" and "cute." I'm disturbed by how few responses support that school is not an appropriate place to play/imitate in this way.
I plan to contact the teacher to ensure that she knows how much it is happening. I will continue to use the same words that I have with my son (adults can do it, it spreads germs, etc.). I hoped for tips about how other parents were talking with their kids about this, but it's sick that so few people seem to be doing that. No wonder we have 8 year olds giving oral sex in schools and abortions happening before we even realize that the kids could get pregnant. I will not sit idle and wait for that time when other parents finally realize that their child is beyond the "it's normal and cute" phase. School is not the safest place for this play. Period.
It's perfectly normal. My daughter came home from pre-school one day and told me, "Bo is my boyfriend and I'm going to marry him." Bo was a little boy in her class. I asked her if Bo knew this, and she said, "Not yet."
I think this is all normal play for kids that age. They see the adult world and imitate it. It is no different than when they play house and pretend to be mommys and daddys to their baby dolls.
I think you are really overreacting to this. Your friend is right - it's normal at this age and kids at this age really don't have the same intentions or mentality as adults regarding these matters. There is nothing sexual about this - they are just imitating what they see adults doing and playing pretend. As long as they are not trying to touch each other on their private areas or exposing themselves, I would let the teacher handle it. If it really becomes a problem, she will talk to you about it. If you talk with her first, she will most likely reassure you that it's perfectly normal and she has seen all this before. It's really not that big a deal but you are making it a bigger deal to your son than is necessary. If this were going on in 1st or 2nd grade, then you could have a more serious talk with him about what is and what is not okay and keeping his hands to himself. You don't need to wait until he is 12, but right now he's only 4, and he's totally innocent as to what is going on - no need to start making him think there is more to it when there really isn't.
Kids copy what they see. Pretending to be married is TOTALLY normal. My oldest two actually pretend to be married sometimes! They have since learned that they can't get married (of course, it's all innocent - they have no clue of what the reality of that means). Then my son wanted to marry his baby sister. He has learned he doesnt' get to marry any of his sisters. He's 4. It's really very, very normal. I don't find what you've written to be disturbing on any level. The sleeping in bed together is something they see their parents do. Odds are they have NO idea that something else ever goes on. So that is what they literally mean - sleeping in bed.
Honestly, I see nothing wrong with it. It's very normal to role play at this age. I'm a little surprised that your friend who runs a preschool class didn't tell you that it was normal. I've seen so many kids do this. They will outgrow it.
Even the kissing is normal. I remember a boy kissing me. I agree, though, that you don't want germs being passed around! I wouldn't want my boy going around kissing the girls, but it's still very normal.
Honestly, I think you are putting a lot more into it than needs to be. He's being normal. Just keep being open and honest like you're being with him. I wouldn't talk about sex with him or tell him that that is what mom and dad do when they sleep together (not suggesting you were planning on telling him that), and I definitely wouldn't associate what he's doing as being bad at all, but maybe teach him that it's good to try to be like mom and dad, but he'll need to wait to sleep in a bed with a girl until he's older like mom and dad (and only when he's married, if you believe in that). Just continue to teach what is appropriate to actually be doing or not be doing. He can kiss girls when he is bigger, etc.
Anyway, hope that helps! Just know your boy is normal! And, at least he chooses girls he's not related too - ha! Actually, my son does too. He wnats to marry the neighbor girls now that he's learned he can't marry his mom or sisters:-)
Did you not do this sort of thing when you were a little kid? I did! I'm 41 and I'm pretty sure at ages 3-5 it's as innocent now as it was then. They like to emulate what they see grown ups do, and kids that age LOVE to chase -chase and tickle, chase and kiss, chase and wrestle -you name it. Kids that age DO NOT have sexual or romantic thoughts -they just don't! With my two (ages 2 and 5) I just stick to the point that you cannot touch other people's private areas (which includes breasts on girls) and no one can touch theirs either -and that generally it's best to keep hands and mouths to yourself.
DVMMOM said exactly what I was going to say. I can remember kids doing that sort of thing when I was on the playground, and that was many many years ago. There was chasing, and kissing, and even "weddings" at recess. We would joke about how "Steve and Jessica got married" and all the drama. It was innocent child's play then and it is now, too. I guess if you want to talk to him about it, then just keep reinforcing the correct information about his body and privacy, keeping his hands to himself, and your values regarding marraige. But he's 4, so don't make too big a deal out of it.
A funny tidbit I'll share...
My nephew, who is just turned 5 and starting kindergarten, has a HUGE crush on the neighbor girl. He's recently gotten the courage up to start asking her to play, and they have been playing "house" out in the playset in the yard. According to him, they are married, he is the daddy and she is the mommy, and their "baby" is Optimus Prime. LOL. As he is relaying all of this information to his parents, he also adds in this hilarious statement: "We're not gonna call each other babe, though, only honey." Hah! What a kid!!
When I started reading your post, it reminded me of my own Kindergarten days. I had a boy friend that lived down the street from me and he would come over to play. His name was Robert. I'll never forget him. Anyway, I remember putting on my pretty yellow dress and I "made" him hold my hand and play house. LOL I remember kissing him on the cheek. LOL What memories. :-)
My son had a little girlfriend who lived next door to us. He was quite smitten of her. He told me one day that he was going to marry her. This is when he was in Kindergarten (last year). I told him he could, just as soon as he gets out of College. LOL
Kids at this age will explore affection. Even though we're not ready for them to do so, it is something that is normal for their age.
I'm with you. I think for me, I would definitely have a talk with my son if I knew he was making a habit of this. I would probably just sit him down and talk to him about appropriate affection at school, such as; hugging, high fives, hand shakes....but no kissing.
At this age it is really hard to try and get kids to understand why it isn't appropriate. One of our many parental challenges...oye. :-)
Totally normal behaviors. They come from loving homes where moms and dads love each other kiss and hug. They are mimicking those behaviors.
There is absolutely nothing wrong. It is totally innocent. And to the people think this is because of TV, how do you explain that even our great grandparents all played like this?
It is human to play from what you see. And through natural creativity.
Just explain to your son that if he does not like this kind of play to let the little girl know.
Also I like that you said moms and dads kiss on the lips. That is easy to understand in his mind.
Right now that is about all you have to say.. You gave him a way to know the kissing is a limit and how to speak up for himself.
And it is not in any way strange. It is completely normal.
i didn't hear one thing that your son said that has anything at all to do with "sexual stuff". it all sounds COMPLETELY innocent and sweet to me. i would talk to HIS teacher and just make sure she is aware, then let it go. you are right, school is for hugs and hi-5's only. our preschool enforces that...your son's should too. perhaps his teacher isn't aware. but regardless it's not worth freaking out over. as far as how to handle it, you did. you told him, hugs and hi-5's only at school. all that other stuff is inappropriate. moms and dads do sleep in the same bed, and when he gets to be grown up and a daddy too he can do that but until then, nope! honestly if this wasn't in a school setting i don't see anything wrong with playing house, playing 'Mommy and Daddy', whatever. without the kissing (which is just innocent and they don't know it's not okay because no one has taught them) there's not a thing wrong with this scenario at all.
Yes, this is normal, but inappropriate. Kids see and have curiosities. But they must be tamed and taught to be put in the correct context and at the proper age. I would definitely talk to the teacher and discuss your concerns and be firm about her stepping in and explaining that it is inappropriate behavior for such young children. I mean, keep them innocent for as long as possible. They'll have to deal with that stuff soon enough. Have a talk with your son. Let him know it's ok to go to the teacher when the kissing and adult talk is going on so she can step in and stop it. It's possible she may not have a clue as children will discuss these things out of ear shot of adults. Kids aren't dumb. They sense when something shouldn't be talked about in front of adults.
**I wanted to add that you've handled it well so far with what you've talked to him about. Keep on that track. Don't dismiss it. Many adults have become desensitized and will downplay things. Don't be one of them.
K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
I agree with DVMOM. I had another thought, think of it as a way to teach him how to be respectful of others physical space and boundaries as well as protecting his own. If he doesn't want to be chased and hugged, that should be respected. Let him practice his words by role playing with you about this, as well as knowing when he should ask the teacher/adult for help. Role play the other way too so he has practice and knows what is expected if someone asks him not to hug them or something.
At that age I played like I was a doctor, do you really think I was going to operate on someone. Let the poor kids be kids. You will know when they actually understand what they are talking about.
You talk to him the same way you would respond to, and then I got in to the airplane and flew all my friends around the world. It is all semi pretend, treat it as such, the subject matter shouldn't matter. Yeah everyone was probably sitting behind him on some piece of playground equipment when he was flying just as the kids kiss each other, it is still pretend.
I think the more of a big deal you make it, the bigger deal it will become. Kissing on the mouth is for mommies and daddies only. I think it is also good to limit what kids watch on TV, as so many tween shows have a lax attitude on relationships. Helping him say, "I don't like to play that way..." can help too. Otherwise, just keep open lines of communication and all talk about love and sex age appropriate. I think it's a good idea to call this out to the teacher but keep a low key attitude. Kids do grow up fast these days and I too am committed to preserving my kids' childhood as long as I can, but we have to stay calm and demystify behaviors we don't agree with. Good luck!
We had an issue with hugging. My son would come home and say there was too much hugging going on in school. The girls would chase certain boys, mine was one of them, and then hug them. It made him uncomfortable.
I spoke to the teacher and she took care of it.
Let the teacher now this makes your son uncomfortable.
Teach him the phrase Please Stop! And if the girls do not he needs to go to the teacher adn tell her he said Please Stop and they didn't.
Girls this age are big on the married thing. My daughters wanted to marry Daddy, and both were super PO'd at me because I had already married him.
At this age I would think it's pretty innocent, but I would step in.
My DD did that with a friend when she was about 4. She's not been exposed to any sexual stuff and they just thought it was fun to kiss and hold hands and say that they were going to get married. Both of us moms told them that they can in about 25 yrs! They've moved on and are just friends. My DD also went through a time of trying to kiss boys b/c they didn't like it. I don't think you have anything to worry about.
I am not a fan of that type of behavior. A hug here & there? Fine. Holding a friends hand? Fine. Anything beyond that is crossing a line & inappropriate. I think kids need to learn how to respect each other's space & boundaries & kissing a schoolmate on the lips is not in keeping with that.
Kids are exposed to way too much, at an early age, nowadays, and parents don't seem to care. My thing is, I have no idea what's going on in that kid's home, and if he's being taught right from wrong. They are seeing things that are not kid friendly & then trying to emulate them with the kids they're at school with all day.
DD had a classmate this year that kissed her a few times in the classroom. The teacher had him moved away from DD. Maybe it's because I have a girl that I am so overprotective, but I wondered, since I don't know this kid's home life at all, what would be next.
