2Nd Grader Having Behavior/emotional Problems

Updated on April 18, 2008
M.M. asks from Leander, TX
12 answers

Hi moms. I think I need some help/advice with my daughter. She's 7, the oldest of 3 kids. She's in 2nd grade and she has been doing great in school, loved her teacher, her friends, YMCA, etc....

A few things have changed in the past few months. I have gone back to work full time, which is why she and her younger sister of age 6, started going to the YMCA. They were very excited. Then, her teacher got really sick, of what, I don't really know. But she was so sick that she had to resign. So they hired a new teacher after having a substitute for about 3 weeks. I personally do not like this new teacher, I think she's under the impression that these kids are off to college after 2nd grade. According to my daughter, she doesn't remind them to turn in their homework, to take home their notebooks, to do anything. I asked this lady about it and she said they really need to be remembering to do these things on their own. I said it's good they remember to brush their teeth and pee when they get up, who are you kidding!!

Then at the end of February, my younger daughter had to have a major surgery to correct some things. It was about 8 1/2 hours and we stayed at Dell Children's for a week. Then we had to go back after 4 days and stay for 3 more days because she started leaking. And we've been seeing the doctor once a week since then. So needless to say, the younger sister has been getting a little more attention. She has had two catheters in (now we are down to one) since the surgery, she has to be on homebound services for the rest of her school year, we have pretty much had to rearrange our lives for this. Also, we are looking at another major surgery in about 3 months.

So of course, this has affected our 7 year old. She used to have straight A's and never get into trouble. But now, her last report card was 2 A's, 2 B's and a C. She dropped 20 points in math!! Anytime we ask her about anything she starts throwing a tantrum. We've tried spoiling her....no good. Taking her out just mommy, daddy and her....no good. ANYTHING we do ends up in a crying fit. And she's getting into trouble at school but nobody writes us notes home. The YMCA counselors will tell us that she's had an "off" day. They know what's going on at home, so does her teacher.

I know why she's upset or angry, but we don't know what to do about it or how to help her. Thanks!!!!

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T.D.

answers from Austin on

I have a 7 year old and a 6 year girl as well. I also have a 7 year old son and a 3 month daughter. My 7 year old daughter started acting out when the baby was born. I started spending one on one time with her about once a week. I take her for a $5 manicure. Take her grocery shopping with me when I leave the others home with dad. Spending time with her alone has made the difference for my girl. Maybe it will help with your girl too.

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K.K.

answers from Portland on

You might know what is bothering your 2nd grader but it is entirely possible she doesn't understand why she feels that way she does, or what triggers her responses.

The best thing you could do for your oldest girl is get her into therapy. No, I do not mean fill her full pills and shut her down to make her behave!.

I mean take her to see someone OUTSIDE the family who is a therapist (not a pshycologist or psychiatrist) who can help her understand her own feeling and how to espress them in a natural and effective manner.

If, her only reasons for acting out are as you detailed, I am willing to bet that having someone help her understand herself and what is going on inside herself, will help your little girl get back to a more positive response within the family.

Make sure you interview the therapist before taking your child, some of them are too willing to just send a kid off to be medicated when it is not necessary, a good one will work with your little girl and teach her how to express her feelings safely and when, the time is right, how to determine what those feelings are and where they have their roots.

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S.S.

answers from Houston on

Hi M.!

It sounds like your daughter is just going through a very emotional time! My suggestion would be to find her someone she can talk to. Finding the right person could be as easy as going to your daughter's school counselor, or possibly finding a licensed professional child psychologist in your area. As mothers, we like to think that our kids can talk with us and don't need an outsider, but sometimes it's better for them to have a person other than you. She may not want to burden you with her stress; knowing you have so much on your plate already. Our girls these days are amazing little women. They feel everything we do.

Children deal with stress in different ways. It sounds like you have had a LOT of stress, and this in-turn is felt by your family. Not only is she feeling the stress of her sister's sickness and the adjustment of you going back to work, but she is also feeling your anxiety and worry with these situations as well.

My heart goes out to you and your family. I hope your 6 year old makes a full recovery and your 2nd grader finds her inter peace. Best of luck to you and KEEP US POSTED!!

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E.B.

answers from San Antonio on

You know most of us asssociate grief with "death" but it is not so... Grief is experienced at any time due to a loss or change from the known.Your daughter has suffered many losses during these past few months and she is reacting,in reality she is grieving,which is normal but she needs to be encouraged and helped to be able to recognise what she's going thru and have the opportunity to share her concerns.There are many different manifestations of grief and you are observing some of those in her life. The best way to control some of those changes/insecurities,etc is to have consisitency,structure,routine. Even a simple thing as having meals/snack on time. This helps to keep children safe and secure as possible.If you as a parent is feeling overwhelmed at this time,allow a family member (aunt,uncle,Grandparent to step into that role temporarily just to bring that structure because children need boundaries and structure and when there's none, they feel disoriented. Play therapy has proven to be very succesful in helping children work thru fear,anxiety,frustration and anger.She's been through a lot,she lost her stay at home mom,she lost her favorite teacher and she might just be overly concerned that she might lose her sister,don't disregard a loss!
I hope this little bit of advise helps,we've been there with our 2 boys.

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J.S.

answers from Houston on

I'm so sorry your family's had such a rough time, M.!

It sounds to me (and my unprofessional opinion) that your daughter is scared and overwhelmed. Many kids her age don't know how to react to these emotions. There's a lot going on in this little girl's life, as I'm sure you know.

I second the opinion that family counseling would be a great start. Someone that can help her deal with all the changes and scary things happening around her all at once. It's not admitting defeat to seek counseling! Your family is going through a lot, and it would probably really help everyone get through these tough times.

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L.G.

answers from El Paso on

I think the best thing to do for your 7-year old is to get her into counseling. My son was born 2-1/2 months early and suffered from end stage renal disease which is basically kidney failure. When he turned six years old the major medical problems began and my younger child began to exhibit behavior problems until we had her see a child psychologist. The problem was that she did not understand what was happening with her brother and she was scared and felt left out. We changed the way we handled his care and included her to help take care of her brother and made her a part of what was happening and now,thirteen years later, she has become a well-rounded, loving 19-yr old studying to become a Special Education teacher. Your daughter may just be confused about what is happening and doesn't know how to handle it. Speak to someone at her school and see if they have counseling services available to their students. I wish you well with your other children as well as with your 7-yr. old. Good luck!

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A.B.

answers from Houston on

The following advice is assuming you don't think she has anything medically wrong.

Try to get her to talk to you and listen, listen, listen. Find out how she feels about school and the surgery and if she scared or frustrated or something. Even if she won't open up, continue to reassure her about everything.

Both my son and daughter have had teachers leave in the middle of the year and it really messes them up, especially when they are in those early grades. They love, love, love their teachers. Luckily, you are only looking at 7 more weeks with the current teacher! Maybe you could do a countdown with her. Set up a reward for the end of the year that she has to account for each day in her behavior at school and wherever else she is.

My son's kindergarten teacher's husband was dying of cancer. When he finally passed away, she returned and my son was much happier about school. We had had a conversation (unrelated to his teacher or her husband) about how sometimes when old people lose either their spouse, the other one dies not too long after (we were going through losing great-grandparents). One day my son came to me and told me he was really worried that his teacher was going to die because her husband died.

The reason I tell you this story is to point out that kids worry about all kinds of things you wouldn't even imagine they can put together. If you have all of this stress with your second child, she might be worried or stressed. She might not like her new routine or your new job. That doesn't mean you are wrong in making these decisions, but she might just need to tell you how she feels. Little girls don't need hormones to make them full of drama (and just wait until the hormones come!).

It's important to get kids to talk. One way we have done this is at the dinner table everyone needs to tell one good thing that happened in the day and one bad thing. It opens up a forum for all kinds of things.

I'm very far from being the perfect mom, but I have learned the value of really listening to my kids and respecting how they feel. I've learned it from some hard situations.

I hope you find any of this useful! Good luck! A.

S.D.

answers from Dallas on

Kids have a difficult time understanding and expressing their own emotions. Many adults do too! It's great that you have already realized how important it is that she gets that attention and one on one time right now. While this doesnt help right now.....consistency and getting back into a routine will help. Kids respond well to a routine. It sounds like your world has been a little wild lately to say the least. I'm sure you will appreciate things getting back to normal too! I feel for you....you sound like a very involved and loving mom. good luck!

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G.M.

answers from San Antonio on

I would say that you take her for a check up with her pediatrician and have them run a CBC (complere blood count) just to make sure she is healthy, not anemic or something. Once you rule out her moodyness being sick, then you might want to schedule a consultation with a family therapist. The therapist will help you deal with her and will help her deal with her emotions. The therapist will more than likely help her find other ways of displaying her emotions. He will teach her coping mechanism, proper reactions to unpleasant situations. He will tell her that when she is feeling angry she should ....___________ instead of crying or fighting or whatever.

I would also look into putting her into some extra curricular activity. Soccer, baseball, girl scouts, dance ...something that is only her. I know it will be taxing on your family but maybe it will help. Maybe your husband can take charge of her, while you focus on you sick daughter. This would be a opportunity for her to become daddy's girl.

I am sorry that you're going through this. Good luck.

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H.F.

answers from San Angelo on

I just had to write and tell you that I feel for what you are going through. Behavior changes and dealing with children that age is so frustrating. I have days when I want to rip my hair out dealing with my daughter who is six. The other night I literally had to leave the house I was so worked up at her. You have gotten really good advice. I think there is merit in seeing a counselor, but I would try to take care of it at home first. Show her that YOU care how she thinks and feels, not some therapist.

Don't discuss things when she is already worked up, but wait until bedtime or some time when it can be quiet...on a weekend perhaps. I sit with my daughter (when I can) and we "talk about the day." She tells me all about what she did, how she felt and asks me to tell her about my day. It helps us stay connected to each other.

She probably does have real fears...for all we know, she believes her sister will "leave" her like her teacher did. So listen to what she has to say. Guide the discussion and ask her questions...not just "what is the matter with you?" She may not know. Ask her "how do you feel about your sister's surgeries?" "What do you like about your new teacher?" Keep things positive until she tells you otherwise, then try to focus back on the positives. If you let her know you don't like her teacher, she won't either and things will just stay bad.

Maybe see if you can get in touch with the old teacher and plan a visit, provided she looks like her old self (if she is bald from chemo, or is in really bad shape, it may scare your daughter and make things worse). The teacher might like the visit too.

I am sure with all of the stress, you are not really being yourself either and kids pick up on that too...make sure you get out and read a book at a park, get a manicure or massage, or somehow treat yourself. Make extra time for hugs and kisses...and make sure you and hubby are a loving, united front. A loving, and stable home can get kids through just about everything.

Also, I know she can do better, (I am a homework and grade Nazi myself)but maybe you can cut your daughter a break and not focus on the grades...she only has a couple months left of school and honestly, elementary transcripts don't mean a thing in the long run. Establishing a good work ethic and time management are the most important things. Do tell her you expect her to do her best, but leave it at that. This summer you can discuss starting fresh in the 3rd grade! Good luck and God Bless your family!

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M.G.

answers from Waco on

She is probably scared for her sister and herself. When my son had his colostomy, his twin brother began acting out. We finally sat down with him, alone, and talked. He had so many fears! That his brother was going to die, that he would get sick as well, that the other kids at school would tease them, on and on. We had chosen to take a very positive attitude towards the surgery and showed the kids that we were not upset. We kept things upbeat in front of them. So we didn't realize all that was going on in his 10-year-old head.

Once we sat down and got everything out, things were fine again. Kids have unusual fears, especially when they don't understand what's going on.

If you haven't done so already, try sitting down with your older daughter and facing the problem head-on. Let her ask any question she wants and answer it truthfully and specifically. She will know if you're not being completely truthful (somehow they always do). For instance, when my son asked if his twin was going to die, my first instinct was to say "Oh, of course not." But he didn't want to be brushed off. I had to really think and honestly tell him that we didn't think his brother was going to die anytime soon, but he probably wouldn't live as long as his siblings. I told him we thought that all our kids would live a long time (until they were grandparents) but we didn't know for sure.

I think my son appreciated us answering his questions like that in a straightforward way. Then he could stop worrying and wondering and get on with life.

Just a thought. Best of luck.

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L.B.

answers from San Antonio on

Get a good family counselor, not one that will just talk with your girls, but you as well. Your plate is full, and to try to do this alone,... will eventually burn you out and you will not be able to be the best Mom that you can be.

A good counselor will be able to help guide you through what is enough information and keep you from giving your daughter too much information.

Our family has a family counselor that is out of this world. There are times when she just guides my husband and I so that we do the right things for our kids. (We have 5) A bit of extra support will do so much.

Enlist family and friends to help out where possible, and take very good care of yourself, because if you burn out, your children won't have the best you.

As far as teacher problems,... don't get me started! Way too much is expected of our kids at way to young an age. Keep in mind though, this new teacher has her way of doing things and just won't be the same. If it's really getting to be a problem or you are feeling out of the loop, schedule and appointment with the teacher as well as the school counselor and or principle to iron out the problems with lack of communication. Remind these people (politely and humbly) That you can not help your daughter if you do not know what is going on. One of our kids is bi-polar and we had to have just such a meeting. Sometimes it takes that face to face for the teacher to realize just what you need from them.

My prayers go out to you and your family. This is a lot for everyone to go through. Again, for your sake as well as your two daughters, you son and your husband's, get a family counselor that can help all of you through this very stressful time.

May God Bless and Keep You All,
L.

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