Hi, I have a sixteen year old son, who has told me he would really like to stay back East with his Dad for the summer so that he can work at a summer job. Normally, he comes for the whole summer with his little brother and they stay for the summer. Frankly, I knew this day would come but I am not sure what to do. I listened to him, offered up other options...like bringing a friend with him from back East so they can both find jobs here for the summer. My husband was stationed here two and a half years ago and we already don't see them nearly as much as we used to where they were with us 70% of the time and with their Dad 30% of the time. Since the change, we only see them on school vacations and summer vacation. They have twin brothers who are four years old, so their visits or lack there of affect them as well. I feel like he has his whole life to work and should not make that the priority. But, he doesn't really have any friends here, but he does back East. Back East he has his own car etc so there are a lot of things pulling at him from that direction. And, as a teenager I completely understand that....what should I do? I offered to cut down the time he spent here in half but he said he felt like the most he could do would be two to three weeks without risking the loss of his job and having to find another one.
We have him for school vacations and summer's because our two families didn't want to go through a huge custody battle. Because it was my family whose husband got orders to go across the country and because the boys are older pre-teen and teen that we felt it best to allow them to make the decision where they felt most comfortable being. We didn't want to force them to move or force them to stay. Their Dad is a pretty decent guy but never really wanted the responsbility of being a full-time Dad which is why we had always taken the primary parenting role. I think the boys both were curious to see how living with their father on a more full time basis would be after living with primarily us for all those years. And, it's worked out okay for everyone except for me emotionally being away from them for months at a time has been very painful and heartbreaking. But, we do everything we can to stay very involved, Skype, Facebook, emails, letters etc. They didn't want to change schools and make new friends unless living with their Dad was just not a good fit. But, it seems to have helped their relationship with their father as well and made their father more responsible and proactive as a parent and not take my efforts for granted as much. It's not ideal but both families are much happier without court battles and daily arguments over whatever issues crop up, which in turn is better for the kids. Of Course, our twins miss their big brothers a great deal and vise versa but we try to make the most of every moment we have all together as a family.
I will likely allow my very mature sixteen year old to limit his summer visit to three weeks, so that he can take on a summer job and be with his friends. I know each year that passes now, I'll have to let go a bit more. He's already thinking about his military career...but for me, one step at a time. My pre-teen son would love to just stay in Texas, but that's another discussion. Thank you to all of you for your advice, support and opinions. It helps to hear from those who aren't as emotionally attached to the situation. Happy Holidays.
I have to hand it to him. Most kids nowadays don't want to work. At least he sounds very responsible. Congrats on raising an intelligent boy. Is it possible that if he does get to come out there for the two or three weeks he says he could possibly come, you go out there a few weeks later and spend a couple more weeks with him. Maybe stay with friends or family you may have out there? Try to split it up if you can. Good Luck
Why is he with your ex mostly and you get summers?
It sounds like he really wants to stay Back East and work. I'd let him. Can you fly him in a few times over the summer?
Well momma you said you knew this day would come and it has. He is 16 and he is trying to become a responsible person.
Let's here, he has a car, friends, a job for the summer (already) and a life. In Mesquite there isn't that much for a 16 year old to do and he knows no one other than you as mom and his little 4 year old brothers. That's not much in the life of a teen and the little ones are just that little ones in his eyes. Since the change that occurred when son moved with dad your son is out of his element that he knows and is comfortable in.
I know that sounds right tough right now but this is real life. He is making his own decisions for the future. He loves you but it now that time when teens start to pull away and when parents have to let go or at least loosen the apron strings. Be reasonable with your requests and be happy if he can spend the two weeks with you this summer. Enjoy those moments and plan for the future times coming up. Remeber that these may become shorter and shorter as he does grow up into a man.
Know that you have given him the basic values and principles in life for him to succeed and be happy that he will apply them in life.
The other S.
PS He could have called you and said he wasn't coming at all this summer because he had a job. So be grateful that he thought about what he wanted to do and is wishing or hoping for your blessing.
I'd take the pressure off of him and let him work for the summer. Chances are he'll call you and see if he can come anyway after a few weeks of work :)
He's growing up Mom, get ready to get used to not hearing from him near enough.
It will all come out in the wash as time goes on. I know it's hard. He's 16 and asking for your blessing on this decision. Send him a "miss you" card letting him know the summer with you is still his if he changes his mind. Being an understanding mom when they are pulling away is very hard but has to be done or they will just pull away harder.
I think getting 2-3 weeks out of a 16 year old boy is a huge compromise on his part, I hope you take it and make the best you can out of it and not miss him terribly when he leaves.
Can your family go to his area for your vacation so you can spend some time there too? To meet his friends, see his car, where he works? I think that might be a lot of fun for all the kids.
Man that is tough - I can't imagine as a mom to ahve to be in that tough situation that you're in. That's one of the big nagatives about divorce...
As you said, you knew this day was going to come... Maybe he can come at the beginning of the summer and then again at the end? It could also be that he's got a girlfriend? At age 16 kids are so drawn to their social circle - which is completely natural - and heartbreaking in a "normal" situation, but even more so when you're half a continent away.
The sad thing about this parenting business is that we know we've done a good job when they no longer need us!!! They try out their new wings, they jump out of the nest and if we did it all right then they stay in the air and fly - away.
As some other's have suggested here - try to have him come at the beginning and then the end of the summer and maybe go to him for some part of the summer on a family vacation. Take your twins, get in the car and take a vacation where he lives. There has to be amusement parks, beaches, national parks, etc in his area. So at least you can join him for dinner in the evening, movies, on his days off go to the local attractions, etc. Flexibility is key.
I feel for you mama - but you'll get it right. Just commincate with him how much you miss and love him and you want to work out something that will enable him to keep his job and enable you to see eachother. And pray - God does care about the details of your life.
Its very admirable... that he wants to work and per his age. He is flexing his responsibility, has a level head on his shoulders, and is independent.
That is good.
His life is there. He is growing up.
His compromise to you is 2-3 weeks. So he is trying to be adult like... and work it out.
Even at this age... a 'resume' is good for him to build up... and then later, when applying to college etc.
He sounds like he has put a lot of thought, into his plans.... which is good. He sounds mature.
At some point, he does need to be able to do this. If not now, then it WILL come up later. If he is not allowed to do this... then when? And if he is not allowed to do this, he may feel upset about it.... and feel it is not fair. Again, he is trying to compromise with you and said 2-3 weeks is what he can do....
Or, can you go there and see him/his life there, and spend time with him there?
Not easy... but he is growing up and being a 'man' and very responsible... him 'wanting' to work... is a good thing. No matter what. He will learn a TON..... by doing this.
It think it's great that he wants to work at 16! I know it will be sad for you, letting your son go and do his own thing! Sometimes as moms we have to just suck it up and let them be, and grow on their own, do things their way.
My brother and I had jobs when we were 14, and it made a HUGE difference in our maturity, and teh way we viewed life, and AND it made us appricate our parents more, and sooner tahn most teens did.
AND having been a teenage girl...It SUCKED dating a guy who didn't work! That meant I had to foot the bill, so It really impressed me and my parents when a guy had a job, and car, etc.
It looks awsome on a resume, it shows ambition.
I think you have a pretty wonderful son there, and have done a GREAT job raising him!!! Look what all your hard work has done...I sure hope when my boys get to be that age, that they will have the drive to want to work, and to be responsible and mature!
(I added more...)
ALSO, If you visit him with the twins, It could have a Positive effect on them! What a good example for them to witness, and strive to be like!
This is normal, but it's hard, and sad. There's nothing you can do. It's part of their growing up.
I agree with Suzanne.
You don't say where 'back East' is exactly. It sounds like there might be a girl involved... but if home base is near the beach or something I can understand that too.
Would the 16y old only coming to visit for 2 weeks effect the visit of the little brother too? Maybe let him come for 3 weeks and then you /hubby and the twins visit them for 2-3 weeks back East?
What if you were to fly East and then drive back with him and little brother. Then he'd have a car to run around, etc. Then reverse when its time to head home.
Good luck
M.
He seems very responsible! That is really sad though... maybe he can come for a few weeks and you can go visit him as well?
He's right that spending half his summer w/ you would eliminate the summer job he is striving for. Can you help line up a summer job where you are? I do like your idea of him bringing a friend (as a teen, spending the whole summer away from your friends is horrible).
What about having him end his summer job a few weeks early (starting it late would jeopardize him getting the job) and visiting you for the duration?
Be thankful you have a 16-yr old who wants to work. So many these days think the world owe them the living.
I like your idea of him finding a summer job where you live. Why isn't that a valid compromise for him? It's also very nice of you to offer to house another teenager for the whole summer just so he'll have a friend as soon as he gets there. He'd probably make some friends at his new job, but still.
Does he already have a job lined up where he lives? Is it a GREAT job, a fantastic opportunity? Or just a regular summer job? If it's nothing special, I think I'd insist that he come for a visit. You've only got two more years where you can spend the summer with him. Take advantage of it!
wow- I can see how this would be really hard for you as a mom- but I must say that not a lot of 16 year olds would take a summer job over playing all summer long and that says a lot about your son's work ethic! sounds like he is a responsible kid who will go far- so congrats on that! I know it's hard, but I think it will do him good to have a summer job- especailly if he mom supports him in his decision. I would offer up a few more opportunities in your area to see if he would be willing to take a job out were you are at for the summer- other than that, you might just have to take him up on his 2-3 weeks vacation or plan a time when you can take a couple of weeks to visit him- and see how he is doing in his summer job!
I am sorry it's painful- but it really sounds as if you have done a great job raising him and he is stretching his wings now.
Good luck!
~C.
