What Should We Do That Might Help?

-- Some children are angry when they are born - it just happens. You are right- this MUST be dealt with a little more sternly. I STRONGLY urge you to put him in time out the FIRST time he is mean- dont' wait for it to ''keep up'' - . The FIRST time he hits or punches -- he goes to his room - or wherever you use - and the time out happens - EVERY time - . That will sure tire you out the first day or two --it will be HARD - but it will make a HUGE difference-- I promise - -the thing is --- he needs to KNOW for a FACT that -- """ I hit -- I sit'' -- '' I loose time and attention EVERY time I hurt someone - EVERY time -- The first day - maybe even the first week will be AWFUL for you- but then he will say to himself ''' well, darn - this isn't working at all - I better find what DOES work.''''

I'll be praying for you to have energy and patience and to be strong - you can do this.

Love,
J. - aka Old Mom

I'm sure I'm going to get flack about this, but he's doing it because he's allowed to. If there are no serious consequences to that behavior, it will continue...when he hits, hold his hands behind his back while explaining to him what hands are for: eating, coloring, blowing kisses, waving, etc. When he bites, make him bite on a bar of soap, and explain to him what his teeth/mouth are for: eating, biting into an apple, kisses for momma...Make him accountable for his actions!
Good luck-I don't mean to sound mean, but this behavior needs to stop. He'll soon be in preschool or Kindergarten-neither of which he'll be allowed to continue this pattern and it could have devastating consequences

I would look at the effect that processed foods and dyes have on him. These can definetly affect a childs behavior. My little sister used to beat herself up. She would bang her head on the floor, scratch herself, pull her hair, do whatever she could to herself and she was only 2. My parents heard a story on the radio about allergic reactions to red dye and caffeine. My grandmother was watching her at the time and was feeding her cadbury bars and coke. Man the sugar she was consuming. My parents put a stop to that and she became a normal 2 year old. This was 31 years ago and I can still remember all of this. I am a big believer in the processed food and dyes we consume in our food causing issues. Our bodies just don't know how to deal with the man made chemicals that we consume. You could contact a nurtitionist. Bastyr has lots of good information and lots of people willing to help. Try feeding him as much organic food as you can. Now we are in the farmers market season and there is lots of good fresh organic produce out there. Also try giving him more whole foods. Try to stay away from anything that comes in a box that has been processed. These are loaded with lots of preservatives and sugar. MSG is another big culprit reeking havoc in our bodies, and it is found in almost all food. Good luck with your little one.

I have to agree with Judy. The most important thing is consistency. At this age disciplne has to be immediate.

Also be sure to keep the time outs age appropriate, At 3, three minutes is an enough (it's an eternity for a 3 year old). If your time outs are too long he will feel treated unfairly and lack the understanding how his time out is still connected to misbehavior from 15 minutes earlier and his behavior will spiral down.

Since this mostly happens with dad, you may want to look into contributing factors here too. Is dad inconsistent on the discipline? Is there roughhousing/mock fights? It's really hard to make a 3 year old understand the difference between play hitting and why it's not ok to hit someone "for real".
You and his dad both have to be on the same page to curb this for good! Good luck!

"The Heart of Anger" by Lou Priolo has been very helpful for us. There is a reason he is being violent. Good for you for looking for help!

Contributing factors for our kids:
allergies -- food (sugar, milk, soy, dyes, etc.) and environmental (dust, molds, cats, etc.)
Mom and Dad not getting along -- even if we don't "show" our displeasure with each other, the kids pick up on it.
Inconsistancy -- different standards from day to day or between mom and dad.

Something is not right for your little guy. He doesn't feel "right" -- emotionally, physically, maybe both. But he doesn't know how to communicate it nicely so he acts out.

Definitely let him know his behavior is unacceptable. But discovering what is motivating him will be the best way to keep it from recurring.

My oldest was terribly angry -- acting out, hitting, biting, etc. He is now 12 and still has some anger issues. His biggest contributing factors seem to be allergies (dust/mold, pollens), cluttered environment, schedule changes/lack of schedule/not knowing what to expect, too much TV/screen time, not enough outside time, hubby and I not getting along. When he acts out now -- gets quickly angry with me or his siblings -- I try to address/correct the behavior and check my "list" to see if there are contributing factors. I will then try to eliminate them while maintaining that the behavior is unacceptable. Consequences for his actions/choices, but change things to help him succeed in the future.

"Parenting with Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay is full of practical help for dealing with behaviors. This has been very helpful for me.

Hang in there! Hope this helps!

FOUR things are important:

1. Be consistent with the consequences. You and daddy sit the little guy down when he's relatively calm and tell him that certain behavior will ALWAYS earn him a 3-minute time out, with no warnings. Then follow through, immediately, every single time.

2. Don't use loud or physical punishment on him if you don't want him to act out physically. For many kids, especially boys, shouting, spanking and shoving are just training them to scream, hit and use their bodies against others. Kids learn what they see adults DO – much faster than what adults SAY.

3. Be very careful to spend special time with him every day talking, laughing, cuddling, and doing things he likes. Some of his behavior could be expressing his misery over a new baby crowding into your schedules.

4. Allergies and chemical sensitivities are a very real problem for lots of kids. I've watched children go from calm to screaming tantrums within a few minutes of having a tiny dose of some common chemical squirted under their tongues. Get processed food out of his diet, so he's not getting any artificial ingredients. Don't use fabric softeners on his clothes. Get air fresheners and other scents out of your house. Check for mold, mildew, dust, or similar problems.

It's a lot of work and bother, but if these things are the problem, you might notice he's having a much easier time right away. Or he could actually feel worse for a few days, or very tired, while his little body clears itself out.

Good luck. I'm glad you're looking for solutions while he's still young. If you wait several years he'll be bigger, and his ability to hurt others will be bigger, too.

The most important things:

BE CONSISTENT - It could be that the consequences for his actions are not the same every single time, or that he's allowed to get away with it sometimes.

DON'T FIGHT/YELL/SHOW ANGER IN FRONT OF HIM: Kids are basically mirrors. If he is shown anger, he will show anger. If he yells, hits, etc, it is because he has learned that anger from somewhere. Nix the anger/yelling/cursing/constant reprimanding and he should improve.

How long is he in time out? Tell him new rules. When he misbehaves ie. he kicks, hits, etc. he is going to be put into his room until he is calm. Put him in time out and use a baby gate or a lock on the door up high so that he cannot get out until he calms down. Then tell him why he can not ...... Stay calm. Do not loose your temper. Same with your toddler's dad. Especially him. Just pick him up and put him in the room. No words. This will make him extra mad. Put the gate up or shut the door. Walk away.

He is probably reacting this way because he is jealous of the new baby. Dad should try to make big boy time for just him. Through the ball time. Go to the park. Things that only big boys can do. And use those words. It will make the toddle feel really special. Try to do something yourself everyday when the baby sleeps.

I've read that kids act out when they need you most. As opposed to sending him to be alone, would he allow you to hold him until he settles himself down or stand quietly next to him as he cools off. I got some Lori Lite books - The Angry Octopus and a Boy and a Bear which help teach the child how to relax himself.

If its real severe, I would talk to your pediatrician about it. Does that behavior's onset correlate with him being sick in any way (cold, fever, etc.) - I ask because a friend's child got a blood disease that came when her child got a common sickness and it completely altered her child's behavior.

What they said. Don't give warnings and THEN discipline. Have a negative consequence the FIRST time he acts inappropriately. Make sure the Dad is disciplining too, the same way you would. If he has gotten away with bad behavior in the past, then he has a HABIT that needs to be broken, and he will resist. It will be hard to maintain a high standard, but you must for his own sake as well as the happiness and safety of the rest of the family. This is a hard age.

I don't have a whole lot of advise except to say I am sorry. This must be sooo frustrating for you. My 2 year old is pretty rough and has had some problems with biting and other acts of aggression. It can be just so hard and draining. I just wanted to encourage you that you are gonna be ok and you aren't the only one. This too shall pass. I know that isn't advice, but just be encouraged.