Hi all Mamas again. I am writing again because I am becoming increasingly concerned over my 4 1/2 year old son's agression. What I though may have just been a phase is just getting worse and more out of control. We have clear rules in our home. If he screams at us because he doesn not like something we say it is a time out automatically. If he does not listen to what he is told he is given a warning (reminder) that he will be placed in time out if he does not do as he is told by the count of three. No fibbing..it's a time out, and no hitting that was a time out automatically. Problem is this, he never really hit me until this year...sure a little bit as a toddler, which he was reprimanded and it subsided. Over this past year a lot the times he was put in time out he would lightly hit me. Now he is hitting me everytime it happens. I would say you will not hit me...it is unacceptable, and put him in his time out. After time out I would ask him why he was in time out...he would tell me, or I would clear it up for him if he did not understand, and he would have to apologize. I would say I love you and we would hug...end of story, not quite. Well now he has taken to hitting me very hard, shoving me, and kicking me. This has increased dramatically over the last three months. He shoved me so hard yesterday when I was on the staires I thought I was going to fall with my baby in my arms. Right now he is in his room for the remainder of the day because of pummeling me because he did not want to go to time out, and quite honestly I do not know what to do. I have tried everything to correct this behaviour from time outs, taking away toys, privelages, and spanking...and nothing seesm to work. I am in tears over this right now, because I feel like a failure as a mother, and I do not know how to help him. I guess I am venting more than anything and wondering if anyone else has went through a similiar situation before. At first I though it was because of the new baby coming home...that was almost a year ago. Now I am not so sure. He has never acted agreessively towards the baby or other children to my knowledge. He will raise his hand to my husband, but he will actually hit me. He says he feels badly when he hits me afterwards. He just blows his stack...we go from 0-60 ina bout a second with no warnings. When he is at daycare they tell me he is a good listner, and plays well with others. I just am wondering what you other Mamas take on this. Obviously I am doing something wrong, but I do not know what. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for your time.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts, opinions, and ideas. I really truly appreciate it. I am going to call our family doctor first thing Monday to set up an appointment. I have wondered about food sensitivities and ADD...he has a tendency to take after his mom who also has food sensitivities and ADD. Anyhow, thanks again. As usual you mamas out there always put things into perspective.
A. -
I echo Susan't recommendation, but I was also going to say that I work for a psychologist who works a lot with children and families and when I became pregnant he told me about a program/book that he recommended for my husband and I. It is called "1-2-3 Magic" and you can read more about it at www.parentmagic.com. It's supposed to be highly effective.
Hope this helps!
S. :)
A.,
Most importantly (IMHO) stop saying that you are doing something wrong. Seriously, from what you've written it sounds like you have done everything that you can. I know, something obviously isn't working and I'm sure you're frustrated - but, please, don't blame yourself for it.
It seems that your son's aggression is directed mainly towards you. That's the part that confuses me. If he was an over-aggressive child all around, he wouldn't be able to behave so well at daycare. I have a 2 year old son in daycare 5 days a week. My hubby and I work full time. Like any other toddler, Jacob has his fits but they aren't directed any more at me or at my husband - we both get the brunt of it equally. However, one of my closest friends is a SAHM and their son (also 2) challenges her WAY more than her husband.
I think part of the issue is that you are the primary care-giver for your child being a SAHM. You are the one that enforces the rules most of the time so you are the one that your kids will choose to challenge most of the time. They are around you more and they figure out how to try and manipulate you. It's not a bad thing, it's actually rather intelligent (I think) that they learn at such a young age what they can try to get away with around different parents.
Even though (like I said) my DH and I both work, Jacob interacts differently with me as opposed to his Dad. My husband can get him to laugh a lot harder and more often than I can. BUT, he seeks me out when he's hurt or tired. I think your son (for whatever reason - and not because you allow it by any means) feels that he can push you much harder.
At this point, I would be as frustrated as you are. The physical nature of his aggression towards you would upset me if I were in your shoes. You mentioned spanking in your post, but I got the impression that it was somewhat of a last resort that you turned to. Your other methods of discipline didn't seem to reflect any sort of violence or aggression - so where he's getting the idea to lash out physically when angry is a little baffling.
I think (as I'm sure you probably know), it may be time for a talk with his doctor to figure out a solution to the problem.
I'm sorry that I don't have any actual suggestions for you, but in all honesty it sounds like you have tried anything that I would suggest anyway.
I really hope that you can get this figured out as I can imagine how difficult it is right now.
Good luck and please keep me (us) posted.
T.
I agree that you have done VERY WELL in handling his behavior. You've done just what you've needed to do with consistent discipline and the necessary debriefing to help your child learn appropriate behavior. Therefore, I tend to think he may have more of a struggle...that it's not just a behavioral conditioning / parenting issue. Yvonne mentioned the red food dye sensitivity. My sister was telling me about a diet that my niece is on now and has shown to help my niece control herself. The basics of it is eliminating artificial chemicals, like food dyes and artificial flavorings. She said that you can still eat most any type of food, but certain brands will not have these artificial chemicals that some people are far more sensitive to, as her daughter seems to be. The book says which brands are free of these artificials, like Giradelli chocolate chips, Meijer brand pretzels, I think it's Haagan Daz ice cream...they have this whole list. My sister I guess experimented a lot with what affected her and now has a decent grasp of what she should have in the house. She was saying that she had a piece of gum one day and really paid for it the next with her daughter's extremely moody behavior and attitude. So she knows that her daughter is sensitive to those artificial color and flavor chemicals. Makes sense because our bodies were never intended to be fed chemicals, but rather natural foods...would surely be good for all of us to learn about it and avoid the chemicals. Here's the website
http://www.feingold.org/
The name of the book is something like Why my child can't behave and Feingold is the author.
Best wishes to you! And you are surely a wonderful mother...just facing challenges now that we are all bound to face of some kind somewhere along the line!
My son at 4 1/2, talks back has tried to slap me, hits his sister and always uses potty language. My ped told me to give him CONSISTENT time outs. I came home that day from the peds office and gave him time outs from 4p-8p, he came down once or twice during that time. I noticed a slight change in behavior. He had a little bit more controll before he was going to say, stupid mommy i hate you. I also noticed that I have to control my anger when I am displining him. I try to remain calm when I put him in his room. It's very important not to show any emotion when disciplining him. My son comes from a very loving family. He has always been more of the aggressive child, but I was hoping that that would subside when he got older. If any advice you might have, it would great.
I am an early education teacher (certified for infants through 3rd grade)who has been operating a family childcare in my home for 13 years. The behavior you are describing is not part if typical development for a 4 1/2 year old, and has to be very frightening for both you and your son. All school districts have to provide evaluations and any services needed for children over three years of age (there is a different program for evaluation and services for the under 3's. Early intervention is often successful in a short period of time. Call your school district. I would start with the early childhood department and ask them how you would arrange for an evaluation of your son. You might have to talk to a few different people to get to the right person, but it clearly is important enough to spend some time with this. At 4 1/2, kindergarten is not far off and it would be to everyone's benefit that he learn some self=control strategies.
K.
First of all, you are not doing anything wrong. From everything you wrote you have handled it as well as you can. Here are a few suggestions. Keep a diary of what he is doing and when. Write down everything he eats or drinks. Maybe he has trouble with certain foods. I have a friend whose son gets wired beyond belief when he eats McDonald's fries. Not any other fries just McDonald's. Maybe he is having a reaction to a particular food or drink. Some kids cannot handle red dye which is in a TON of different foods, more than you would think. This may not be it but it is worth checking out.
Now is the time to get a handle on this because you will need to know what is going on before he goes to kindergarten. Make sure you give him some one on one time with you. Is he like this for just you or is he this way for your husband or grandparents? If it is just you maybe it is just an attention getter. Tell him that if he wants "mommy" time then he needs to behave. Make a chart(kids respond to visual aids better) and for each day he does not throw a temper tantrum he gets quiet time with mommy( or some other reward) before bedtime. My son always responds to positive reinforcement rather than punishments. If he goes an hour without a fit tell him "hey, good job! you have not had a temper tantrum for (insert time). Keep up the good work!"
I know it is frustrating but sometimes these phases seem to last forever!! I am a SAHM of three boys ages 11,8, and 5. The middle one is in the process of being tested for ADHD or Asperger syndrome. Needless to say things get a bit crazy around here. If you would like to talk more I would be glad to be a sounding board. Email me and I will be happy to help in anyway I can. I have a friend who has 4 kids,three of whom are autistic, so I have seen and heard everything! Good Luck!!
Y.
I think these are really helpful ideas and exploring diet is an undervalued exercise. On another note, you don't talk much about efforts aside from punishment, so I thought I'd add another thing to think about. I think one of the hardest things for kids, especially boys, to learn is how to control negative impulses. So when we spend so much time sending kids into time out or taking away toys (and believe me, I do it too) we aren't putting our and their energy into figuring out how to calm down and work through anger (or whatever) without bad behavior. He may know that hitting is bad but without an alternative, he resorts to it. Counting to 10, taking deep breaths, stretching, or some other activity (yelling into a pillow, hitting one of those blow-up/knock down things) to calm oneself down can help when the reaction is coming on. Then we as parents have somewhere to go before it happens -- I see you're getting angry/frustrated/whatever, let's take a moment to calm down... It can even mean turning the idea of time out from a punishment into an opportunity to calm down. I've seen it help with other kids (not mine, honestly, I don't take my own advice often enough) so that when a kid gets mad, he'll actually remove himself because he needs a time out. I just think it's more helpful to focus on how to manage negative feelings with better behavior than to always punish, especially when it's not working. I gotta start doing this more myself....
I've heard of a little jealousy for the baby, but this behavior is pretty out there. It couldn't hurt to add "Body Balance" to his diet. a liquid juice of aloe vera juice, and 9 deep sea veggies. I have heard testimonials for children, that it helps brain activity and mood. it heals health issues from the inside out, and it is good for all ages for so many reasons. No negative side effects that drugs would have. It is made by Life Force International. see "www.lifeforce.net/20493010"
Please be sure you use that last number as it is my company ID number. I get a tiny commission every referral, but I am really in this to help people, and I use lots of their products myself. What you are experiencing with your son is heartwrenching to hear. comparing it to many other stories I've heard, the end advice that helped was to make sure every growing child is getting enough healthy fats in his diet for his brain. regular feedings; not hungry; plenty of sleep; exercise; minimize TV. check into the "Westin A. Price Foundation" for the research and dietary info. The products of grass fed animals out enjoying the sunshine are the most beneficial. also Olive Oil. DHA and fish oils. stop feeding him all processed sugar/ processed foods/ chemicals. they are full of bad/dead ingredients. read labels.It's ruining his mental capabilities to act straight. did you know that McD's fries have sugar in them?! that's why those potatoes there are addicting. If it didn't come naturally; as close as God made it, don't give it to him. So, make red potato fries in your own oven. It's all worth the effort. The taste for healthy foods will replace the pleading for bad ones if you are persistant. Pretty soon he'll be asking for avocado or carrots and hummus, or nut butters. do a food elimination diet and find out what he's allergic to - food/environmental allergies mess w/ brain function and explain this behavior. check out "www.NAET.com" and call "Dr. David Tam" in Lombard. These natural choices have healed everything in children-adults from allergies to ADD to Autism to Schizophrenia. Keep up the I love you's, and discipline you already know how to do, and never give up! God Bless.
My cousin is dealing with similar behavior in her 4 1/2 year old son. At first they thought it was a phase, and they didn't really worry about it b/c he was too small to really hurt anyone. Now his teachers at preschool are regularly calling my cousin and bringing her and her husband in for conferences. It's become a real problem; the other kids used to love him, but now they shy away from him and don't like him anymore.
I don't know what to tell you except to call your pediatrician and ask for some guidance. They're trained to manage behavioral issues as well as general health concerns.
Ironically, spanking a child who is in trouble for hitting doesn't really work very well. It's a positive reinforcement of the type of behavior you're trying to eradicate. Easy for me to say, my son is only 4 months and I'm not dealing with any of this tough stuff yet.
I feel your pain. I have a 4 month old and a 3 year old.
Shortly after I came home from the hospital with our new baby my 3 year old started with the very
agressive behavior. I tried everything from time outs to spankings etc.. nothing worked.. Finally I was at my witts end and I called my pediatrican.
she suggested a child pschologist. I took my son and threw playing games and drawing the therapist
found out my 3 year old was very angry with me and the new baby. It is neat how through watching children play with toys and drawing pictures you can figure out what is going on in there minds. He did not know how to tell me he was angry with me for bringing a new baby home so he would hit instead. He was expressing his anger the only way he knew how. The psychologist gave me ideas on how to talk with my son and how to spend time one on one with my 3 year old without the new baby, she taught me how to allow my 3 year old to help out with the baby and make him more secure in the fact that mom has enough love and time for both children. We now draw pictures daily and usually the picture is about what my 3 year old is feeling. My son has not hit me for over 3 months.
I feel your pain.. I used to sit and cry for fear of what he might turn out to be when he was older.. If he is hitting me know what would he be doing to me in 10 years. Try a psychologist. It can't hurt.
You sound like a terrific mom. You are doing all the right things. As a registered nurse for years, my suggestion would be to get a complete physical for your son, and as someone else suggested, keep a journal. BUT...include foods eaten in that journal. My middle son would become aggressive when his blood sugar was dropping. Just a thought and please know we are all keeping you in our prayers.
