What Is This? Not a Marriage!

You're the second person to post something like this today, and I'll ask the same question to you that I asked her -- have you spoken to him about it? I'm sorry you're going through this, but do you have a question? Or are you just looking for support (also valid, just wondering)?

You are an untreated alcoholic with depression. End of story. YOU need to get help. Honestly, you are lucky you're still married. I wouldn't be willing to put up with someone who wouldn't get help, and then blamed me for all the problems.

Okay... this last post of yours is VERY relevent:

"Where do I go for help w depression & alcholism no health ins no support either.
Where do i go or do if i have no health insurance or moral support for my depression & alcoholism? This is a battle I will have to do myself. I have had depression for years and when I finally told my mom she just told me that there are a lot of other people with worse problems and too just get over it. I was very surprised as she has battled it herself. I am married but he has never really been supportive either. I drink a lot & everyday yet my husband has never acted concerned even when i pass out."

As well as what you wrote today:

"What is this? Not a marriage!
I've been married 15 yrs, we don't spend any time together, don't sleep in the same bed, and can someone please remind me what sex is like? For example he gets home barely says 2 words to me,eats, spends the WHOLE evening w the kids, watches tv then goes to bed."

First, I can't believe that you essentially blamed your husband for not noticing or caring about your alcoholism. It's not his fault if you're an alcoholic. Have you told him rather than waited for him to notice? Have you talked to him to let him know how you feel about anything at all? When I see all blame as a theme in "difficult marriage" posts, it tells me that communication is a huge problem as well as blinders to one's own contributions to the problems.

Alcoholism is a sign of inner turmoil and dissatisfaction within yourself.

If you're really interested in fixing your marriage, then you have to be willing to work on yourself first and you can't fall back on excuses and blame. Go to Alcoholics Anonymous. Go to Department of Social Services and they'll help you find a therapist. If you don't have insurance you may qualify for state insurance. Go out there and be proactive.

Is this about a lack of sex or a crappy marriage, because you were complaining about your husband here in 2010.
So, 2 yrs later if things haven't changed, you need to make a change.

M., after reading the post where you complained that your husband didn't seem to care that you drank too much every day and PASSED OUT, I'm temped to say I can't really BLAME him for more or less ignoring you.

I think your household dysfunction is greater than anything we can address here.

You've said you cannot seek professional help due to not having insurance.

So you are all over the map with this.

If you have not hit rock bottom, if you are not REALLY ready to get REAL help, will you at least accept an extension of friendship? Can we talk, you and me (or you and any of us, really)?

I sincerely hope you WILL send me a private message. You are a lost girl, I think I might be able to help, just by hearing you out, ok? Like a friend. Like we're both members of the same sisterhood, and there's a chance talking with me will help, right?

Anytime, day or night, wasted or sober, you need a sounding board, I'm usually here. Send me a message. No judgement, no preaching, all right?

Please be safe, k?

:)

If this is related to your post from February (and I suspect it is) then I hope you are reaching the point where you realize that what you've been doing isn't working.
Time for some changes. You sound sick & tired of being sick & tired.
Please find & walk into an AA meeting.
http://www.aa.org/lang/en/subpage.cfm?page=28
You will find help there.
Life (and a good marriage) is out there for you, but you've gotta take that first step.
All the best!

so since you didn't preface this with you try and he turns you down I'm going off the assumption he wouldnt

I say do whatever it takes to get a babysitter for overnight at THIER house (drive the 45 minutes to family, beg friends, break the bank and pay) do what it takes, get in something that barely covers you yet makes you feel hot (if you need thigh highs, something to cover any parts you don't like do that) put on heels and wait for him to arrive home to you in the empty house with a can of whipped cream, massage oil...whichever you'd rather, and stop concentrating on what you dont have or what he hasn't done and you take the 1st step at makin it bettter...after you both are pleased and relaxed, talk about how you'd like to connect more often...date nights, nights like that, and so on...ask what he wants to do to fix things too

ETA after Jims above comment I went back and read, and you mention you are addicted to alcohol and depressed. I would suggest talking about these issues with him, perhaps he is J. as depressed for dealing with a family member with these ailments? i think the above is still needed along with getting yourself help and becoming happy- when you are he's more likely to be

ETA: If you are an alcoholic - find a program that can help you. You are not doing yourself nor your family any good or justice by drinking daily. Find out the root of the cause...why you drink and why you are depressed...and get the help you need. there are many programs out there that help people regardless if they have insurance or not.
_______________________

M.:

What do YOU do for the marriage relationship?
Why do you not sleep in the same bed?
What do you do so engage in conversation?

I would suggest you go see the movie "Hope Springs" with him.

Do YOU attempt ANY conversation with him? How about telling us what you do to keep the marriage going?

Maybe get rid of the kids one night to a friends house and make it about the two of you. Marriages can change and lose focus after kids come along...especially when they get caught up in homework, activities like swimming, football, soccer, baseball...all of that.

So have you done anything to institute a date night with your husband?
what about a family night? where everything is geared to the family? No phones. No internet...just the family - playing games, etc?

Marriage is a two-way street...and the analogy that it can be like a garden - it needs to be tended to daily - is VERY true. Go tend your garden girlfriend, weed the weeds out and get those flowers blooming again!!!

Sounds like a roommate.

Have you tried counseling?
You've been unhappy with your marriage and dealing with depression and alcoholism for awhile now.
Seems to me they might all be related.
Drinking to the point of passing out is not a way to turn Hubby on.

Sometimes I think it's just needing to take the bull by the horns.

Send the kids to bed early. Or get a sitter and take him out.
We fall into ruts so easily in our daily life. It takes work and initiative to make it what you want.

I really don't know what you expect of your husband. You KNOW you are an alcoholic. He can't change that; only you can. Me, myself, I wouldn't have much to say to someone who is always drunk either.

Like other posters have said - you turn to alcohol because you are unhappy or dissatisifed with something in your life. OR you are trying to bury some uncomfortable feelings.

Whatever it is, you need to get help and help is only a phone call away. Google Alcoholics Anonymous or look in your local phone book. There is a hotline - call it! Go to a meeting! If you don't like that meeting, try Narcotics Anonymous. Alcohol is a drug - anything that alters your mind is a drug. I don't particularly care for AA meetings, but I do like NA. I got clean because of NA meetings. And believe me, I did NOT want to be at that meeting. I only went to satisfy my daughter. But after that one meeting I thought "I really want to stay clean. I really want to fit in with these people. I want what they have!" And that's how it went for months. Staying clean one week at a time. Hell, some days it was only one hour at a time, but I got there!

Go to a meeting - introduce yourself. Tell them how much, if any, clean time you have. After the meeting, don't jump up and run out the door. Linger for a minute. People will come up to you, they will befriend you, they will give you their phone numbers and encourage you to use them. And I also encourage you to use those numbers. Not only will they help you, but YOU will help them by calling them.

Please get yourself some help before you lose your kids the way it seems you are losing your husband!

You didn't give us a lot to go on, so I'm not sure what you have tried yet. I have no clue if you guys don't get along, just have drifted apart or are just stuck in a rut. Also I'm not sure if you are looking for advice or just venting.

Have you tried talking to him about this? I mean, when he gets home, give him a few minutes to change and settle in and then say "lets talk. I miss you, I miss us. What can we do to get "us" back?"

I think the other posts have great advice. I just want to add that don't think that you do not have the money to get help as if you have money for alcohol (last time I checked it's not cheap) you have money to get help. And I am sure there are places willing to help for free. It does sound like you know you have a problem and the only person that can make your life how you want it is you.

Most spouses would walk out on a spouse with an addiction, he's still there. It's on you to turn your life (and your family's) around. Show him (and yourself) that you can be a better person, wife, mother, woman. You've only got this life on Earth, why would you waste it with alcohol? I cannot imagine your children witnessing what you become when you drink..I simply cannot imagine the scars this would leave in their little, probably scared, souls. I think you are lucky your husband is still there (probably just for the kids) - make it so he's there for you too, change who you have become. Ask for help and start enjoying your life with no excuses. Just do it.

Where are you when he comes home? If you are there with the kids, I am in agreement with others the suggest getting rid of the kids and talking.

Don't talk at him but talk to him.

Don't scold, reprimand or accuse him of anything. Talk about how you are responsible for where you both are in your marriage.

Talk about the possibility of changing the logistics in the home as well as other things about your marriage.

A great resource for changing the conversation in your home would be a book called "Love and Respect" by Eckert (can't remember his first name). It does come from a Christian perspective but the methods do work to effect positive change. It may help you in your situation. I strongly recommend it.

You should also consider conseling, places do a sliding scale based on income. When I went to counseling the best one I had was a nurse practicioner. She really helped and was affordable. Isn't your marriage and your children's futures worth the try? You try even if he isn't willing. It will help you as a person. We all could stand a little help along our way.

We are coming up on 11, it's really hard with the two small kids that we have. Best I can tell you is talk!