Husband That Drinks

Please look into Al-anon, a support group for families of alcoholics. They have so much they can help you with because all of them have loved ones who are ruining their lives/relationships with alcohol. I've been where you are.

I do not think you're overreacting, but unfortunately, people with drinking problems can remain in denial for years. It's possible that if you left him that would be his "wake up call" but it's no guarantee. He may just see it as another one of your (supposed) efforts to control him. I wouldn't advocate leaving him unless you were serious about it...if it was just a "tactic" it could backfire on you.

Can you get him to agree to marriage counseling? If so, let him choose the therapist, or at least let him choose male vs. female. You need to bring up this subject when things are good, not when you're in the middle of a fight or after he's been drinking. Tell him you want more moments like these (after a good day together or one of those special moments) and that's why you want to go to a counselor.

It's hard to tell from your post how mean he is, but if he's physically or verbally /emotionally / mentally abusive, that's not good for you and it's not a good environment to raise your children in. I hope you can work it out, but also keep in mind that the older the children get, the more difficult a divorce will be on them and the more long-term the effects may be (both from a divorce and from seeing you being mistreated).

Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

Hi N.,
You are in a tough spot in your life, but you do have choices in what you can do. Having some kind of support system is absolutely a must in a situation like this. You need support from others to help you stay strong and to help you make good decisions for your family. My dad was an alcoholic and finally got sober after my mom divorced him (she had 4 kids). And my sister was an alcoholic in her 40's. She happened to live with me and after I realized she had a problem ( she always hid her alcohol in pepsi) I had to give her an ultimatum to get help or move out, and I would go to meetings with her, or help her in any way I could. It was so hard for me because I had hoped she would choose help over moving out, since she would probably end up living on the street. Luckily, for both of us, she did. Alcoholism is a disease, and they cannot just stop, or drink socially. My sister has been sober for over 4 years and still goes to AA meetings 3-4 times a week. She feels she needs to and the support is great. In fact, she met her husband there. He has been sober for 5 1/2 years. I have been to many of their AA picnics and events where the families are invited and the people are positive and uplifting. I can see why they still go. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. If you have a church you feel comfortable at, use their help. If you don't have a church, Renaissance Unity in Warren is a wonderful church that has just about any support group you would ever need, and then some. (renaissanceunity.com) You don't need to attend Sunday services to go to classes or meetings. But the services are very nice, too! And the kids programs are awesome. It is a very positive, spiritual nondenonminational church, and the people there are so-o welcoming and warm. There definetly is a positive caring energy in that church. Whatever you do, get support for yourself, don't do this alone. Prayer is a powerful thing, and I know that each and everyone of us that have responded to your story is praying for you. Listen to your heart and take care of yourself!!
L.

Hi N.,

First off let me say that I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this - especially with kids involved. You are definitely not over-reacting!

Next I'll tell you that it's highly unlikely that your hubby will even consider giving up the bottle because you demand it, primarily for two reasons: 1, he doesn't feel he has a problem and 2, because in my experience alcoholics can't quit for anyone other than themselves, even if they want to.

If he's apologizing to you the following morning, he knows there's something wrong, he just needs to face up to what it actually is.

I left my ex because of drinking (the last straw was when he wailed me across the face in front of tons of people at Metro beach), but I only had myself to consider at the time - no children, thank God.

My suggestion to you would be to talk to someone yourself, whether at AA or a counselor of some sort, to get some sound PROFESSIONAL advice on how to handle the situation. With your husband being mean and verbally abusive, you'll need to protect yourself and your children both physically and mentally.

One thing, N. - whatever you decide to do, don't put it off. Talk to someone as soon as you can before the situation really gets out of hand.

I wish you the best of luck with this and hope that your husband comes to his senses and gets some help.

L.

hi N.,
i suggest you go to alanon meetings to help understand what the difference is between problem drinkers, alcohols and people who just drink too much. the meetings will also help you learn how to deal with his behavior in a calm and rational way (only when he is sober though).
after that you can decide for yourself if it is worth keeping your marriage together.
best of luck, i hope it works out the way you want it to.
K.

Hi N.,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this with your husband. I delt with this with my ex-husband and I can give you info based on my experience.
1. If your husband has a problem and it sounds like he does, you can't demand him to stop and he doesn't have the ability to limit his drinking. He will be in denial about it as well. He'll need to make this decision on his own and he'll need some help. Alcoholism is a desease and usually not a choice.
2. There are support groups for families of alchoholics. You may want to check into that to get some help. You're not alone in this situation.
3. I don't have to tell you that it's not a good situation for your sons. What happens if there is an emergency and their dad is drunk. (My ex and I didn't have children and it was hard.)
4. If you think he may be cheating be sure to protect yourself. You don't want to get an STD and be sure to get tested when you see your doctor.

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. It's such a hard situation because you love your husband but he has this problem. Remember that YOU can't fix it for him. You can demand that he gets help. Be sure that if you do this that you're ready to seperate from him and don't make idol threats because it will only make the situation worse. You'll have to follow through on all altimatums that you make.
Good luck and message me back if you like.

L.

You can not get him to stop drinking, only he can. If he doesn't want to, he won't. You are not overreacting...nobody likes to be around a mean alcoholic and you do not deserve it. I do think you should take some of the other mom's advice about getting support. Unfortunately you cannot change somebody and you may have some serious and tough decisions to make. You have to look out for yourself. Good luck!!!

You need to act. If he will not go to AA - you need to. An alcoholic (and believe me, your husband IS one) will make your life and your children's life miserable!!! The people at AA will probably have some very good advice for you. Good luck and don't wait....

Buy a copy of the book "Getting Them Sober". It will change your life. In the book they talk about the fact that "having a drinking problem" doesn't mean drinking every day or falling down drunk. They define a drinking problem as "when the other person's drinking is causing problems in the relationship". You don't have to be OK with calling him an alcoholic or even saying he has a drinking problem. I personally had a hard time admitting to other people that I married an alcoholic. (How could I be so stupid?) It was much easier to tell people that his drinking was causing problems in our relationship. The book is BIG on setting boundaries and NOT taking responsibility for his drinking. If he chooses to drink...so what? What you can change is how you react to it and the choices you make for yourself and your children. If he has ever hit you while he was drunk then it's obvious that you need to do something to change your circumstances - for yourself and your kids. Best of luck and read the book! It really saved my life when I read it 18 years ago.

Hi, Been there, done that, still doing that. My kids are now 14 and 12 (Whoa!) and we've had lots of adult talks about Dad's "professional" alcoholism. I know a lot of ladies that are going to tell you that you can't make him stop drinking, only he can make that decision. I'm still waiting. If you have a church family that can help keep you sane, that would really help. I don't think you're overreacting. We have 2 Dad's, too. The mean one and the nice one. When the mean one shows up, we just avoid him. Screen your calls and don't put yourself through the degrading remarks. I sought counseling for myself, because he wouldn't go to any kind of counseling! That helped me get this far. LJ

You are NOT overreacting!! If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks...it is a duck. Get some professional help as soon as possible. Call Al-Anon...a group for significant others of substance abusers. Call your church and see if they have any support groups. YOU cannot change him. He needs to do that on his own, but you can change yourself and your reaction to it with some help. It will not go away, in fact it will only get worse without help. Been there/done that. My husband went to treatment 23 years ago. We have now been married 33 years...whew, we made it but it wouldn't have ever gotten solved without the right help...treatment and bringing the Lord into our lives. Get help ASAP!!

Hi,
I also am sorry you have to deal with this situation. It's hard enough to be married with 2 small children and a husband that travels, add drinking to the mix and that really adds stress to your life.
Someone already said this and I agree,go to a Al- Anon mtg., (more than one) and talk to a therapist. Al Anon can be found under AA in the phone book, call them and ask for the closest meeting, also have them send you a meeting list.From there you will have better information about the disease and may have some idea about how you want to proceed. You need to take care of your emotional life as well as your children.
Hope that helps.
L.

N.,
From what you are telling us, your husband does have a drinking problem. His denial of it, telling you that you control him, and morning appologies are all the sign of an alcoholic. First of all, limiting drinking when it comes to alcoholism is completely useless. It doesn't work. If alcoholics knew how to limit it they would be alcoholics. It's going to have to be cold turkey. Because your husband denies he has a problem he won't stop unless he realizes he has one or there is a reason to stop. If I were you I would threaten him with a divorce. I know it sounds harsh, but think about your children when they hear the names he calls you when he's drunk. It is not fair to you to have to hear all the harsh things he tells you. If you love him, tell him that you do and you are begging for a change, or you'll have no other choice but to leave him for the sake of your children. Suggest AA, or any other treatment. Tell him that you'll be there for all the treatments and you'll be supportive. But only, and only if he does something about the problem. I wish you the best. I know it's hard. He is your husband and the father of your children. But this kind of a behavior is not good for you and your children.