Choice Between Me or Alcohol

There's no such thing as a "recovered" alcoholic. He's either in recovery or not. He's not. He's relapsing, which is not uncommon. There are alcoholics who pick up again after 20 years of sobriety.
He needs AA, a sponsor and a recovery program. Bottom line.
You need Alanon to learn how to live with an alcoholic.
This has nothing to do with you "trying harder" or "loving him enough" to put down the alcohol. It's about a disease. He is sick and he needs help. You need to stop living in denial.
As for the upcoming home, etc. everything will work for you IF this issue is addressed. If it's not, it's only a matter of time. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive fatal disease, left untreated.
Best of luck!
ETA Anyone who claims to be able to "stop drinking" on their own is a liar. Alcoholics need to ADMIT and SUBMIT to a group where they can get support and accountability.

He. is. an. alcoholic. He needs an intervention, and fast. If he continues down this path, their is no way to get him out of it. You will lose everything if he doesn't get help for his problem. I also would suggest you go to Alanon meetings.

If he was an alcoholic when you met, he is still an alcoholic. There are recovering alcoholics, but there is no such thing as a recovered alcoholic. Just because he doesn't drink every day or doesn't get toilet-hugging sick drunk every time he drinks doesn't mean he isn't an alcoholic.

He takes a glass of wine into the car with him? Open-container laws apply to passengers as well as drivers.

I am married to a recovering alcoholic. He has been in and out of treatment and he knows that I am done dealing with relapses. If he drinks again, he has to find another place to live.

You said your husband was a 'recovered' alcholic at age 25.

Addicts are NEVER 'recovered'. They are ALWAYS 'recovering'.

It has only been a decade since then, and alcohol is affecting not only his life, but yours as well. Alcohol took precedence over your date.

You say he's not an alcoholic, but it sounds like he is.

If I were you I would encourage him to enroll in something that will reinforce what he learned a decade ago. There is a wonderful program called 'Celebrating Recovery' that is a fabulous alternative to AA.

And please remember that Alcohol is a disease like a medical condition. He is not 'choosing alcohol over you'. He is powerless to it.

If your husband would rather have a glass of wine than go out on a date with you, he is no longer "recovering". He's an alcoholic again.

I heard this some where about an alcoholic: "One drink is too many and a thousand drinks is not enough."

Your husband is on his way back to where he was at 25 or before.

My heart goes out to you. Good luck to you and yours.

Don't be naive, he is VERY MUCH an alcoholic. Very much. You sound like an intelligent woman, use your head about this. You know he's an alcoholic, don't be in denial. Go to Al-Anon and get some resources. YOU don't have to try harder! Alcohol is not your problem, it's his. HE needs to try.

There is no such thing as a recovered alcoholic. That's why it is called "recovering alcoholic" because they are never done recovering. If alcohol caused so much strife in his life that he stopped for 5 years, then he has now fallen off the wagon. I have a friend whose husband periodically fell off the wagon. Sometimes not too much trouble, sometimes lots of trouble. Hospitalized for it 3 times during their marriage. He went long periods without drinking, too, but it was a constant shadow over their lives. Ultimately his last fall from the wagon was severe, lost his job, tried to commit suicide, stole all their money from the bank - she divorced him and he continued his fall into the gutter. Alcoholism is a terrible disease. Tell him it's a deal breaker and he needs to not drink at all to be with you.

Well, you already know he's a recovering alcoholic. And now he's fallen off the wagon. You are sick with worry I'm sure. You need to have a heart to heart talk with him and really see where his head is at. Remind him of why he quit drinking and ask him why he wants to revisit that. Let him know how it makes you "feel". If alcohol is a deal breaker for you in your marriage you need to make that clear to him, let him know that you refuse to stick around if it's going to become an out of control thing... such as drinking and driving ... which seems he's already showing you that he thinks that is okay.
He's an addict. Saying "you want your wine more than me" has a lot of truth to it, but it's the disease that causes it and not that he doesnt love you. Treat him like you would if he was ill with something else, if he doesnt want to "get well", you have some hard decisions to make.

Two words: Al-Anon. (Actually, I guess that's one word.)

Hopie - Your husband IS an alcoholic. He is drinking. He picked his glass of wine over you.
Listen, my husband is also a recovering alcoholic. He has not had a drop in 8 years. He CAN'T have a drop or he will do exactly what your husband is doing and go back to drinking. He knows it and has expressed that to me. I know that you don't want to think of him as fallen off the wagon, but he has and until he recognizes that and gets back ON the wagon, you are living with an alcoholic. MY husband knows that if he starts drinking again I am out the door. I don't want to deal with it, I got three children that are more important than an addiction.
I don't know what advice to give you but I want you to understand that your husband IS drinking again and is no longer in recovery. I believe there are al-anon meetings that YOU can attend and I recomment that you do. Good luck to you
L.

Been there, lived that. If he doesn't respect you enough to listen to you in this regard... it's not worth it. Let him know this is a deal breaker (if it is). He needs to re-evaluate what's important to him, and you need to do the same. Do you really want your kids exposed to irresponsible drinking? Everyone on here knows my struggle with this.. MINE has a happy ending, and I truly wish the same for you. Feel free to PM me if you need to vent :) Good luck!

besides the obvious that he is down the road to alcoholism again it sounds like he is drinking while driving, which in my book, even if he were my husband, I would NOT even hesitate to call the police on him while he is driving & drinking

get help for both of you now, this is nothing to mess around with......DONT wait for *answers* from us, we can't help you

my mother died from alcoholism at the young age of 44

Once an alcoholic, someone is alcoholic for life whether they are actively drinking or not. And since your husband is actively drinking he's fallen off the wagon and is abusing alcohol. Being drunk or not doesn't matter. He's abusing alcohol.

When someone NEEDS a glass of wine or beer to loosen up - it's an addiction. He needs help but he will not get any because he doesn't feel it's an issue. You have to decide for yourself and children if you want to live with a ticking bomb - because it WILL get worse. He probably hides a lot more drinking from you than you realize.

I'm with the others on this, you can't go from being an alcoholic 5 years ago to just having a little wine. Its like cigarettes- you quit for 5 years then only drink during social occasions- the amount you smoke will slowly creep up. I am a recovering bulimic, have been for 15 years if I started bingeing and purging again (even 1 time) it would be a major struggle in miy mind everyday not to keep doing it-
I think you need to find alanon and fast! and sit down with your husband and tell him he needs to stop drinking now! (most likely he knows in the back of his mind, but is having trouble admiting it.)

he is an alcoholic, he is a high functioning alcoholic ... but an alcoholic none the less. I know of a few people who battled with it very young that got help and YEARS (20 or so) later they learned they could treat it correctly and drink responsibly. This is not something you should toy around with by any means.

It sounds like he isn't reacting to stress very well and he is in denial that he is an alcoholic. I mean maybe he doesn't fit the definition yet but putting the bottle above your spouses wishes sure sounds like he is headed in that direction.

He IS an alcoholic. Once an alcoholic ALWAYS an alcoholic. Even if he never touches another drop in his entire life he will still be an alcoholic. If he won't go to AA meetings then YOU should go without him. It's very easy to make excuses and H. the problem will go away, but if you stand by and do nothing it is just going to get worse. AA will teach you about alcoholism and how to best help your husband. Please please go to AA and try and get him some help.

Uh oh, I hate to break it to ya, but it sounds like he's back to using alcohol as a way to cope with life & he's in major denial. Taking wine with you every time you go out to socialize is not normal or healthy.

This is the risk you take with someone who has an addiction, even if they've been in recovery for years. Just one taste can lead to a relapse for some people, and they are right back to their self destructive ways. There are plenty of functioning alcoholics that hold down jobs & pay their bills, but just because they aren't falling down drunk, it doesn't mean they don't need help. Being an alcoholic, he should know this.

I'd lovingly insist that he get help now, while it's still not out of control. If he's resistant, then he needs to leave your home & get himself together until he's out of denial & wants to face the truth. Really, it's the responsible thing to do, you have to protect your kid(s) & be proactive in case he goes completely under & self destructs.

I have a feeling you already know what you NEED to do, but are trying to garner the strength to do it. So, my advice is... do whatever you need to do to protect yourself & your kids.

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic! He WAS a recovering alcoholic, and if you don't nip this in the bud, he will continue to get worse and worse. Once an alcoholic sobers up, they cannot EVER touch it again, otherwise, they are back to square one. On top of that, driving with open alcohol in your car is ILLEGAL. If a cop would pull you over, you would be arrested. Please tell your husband that he either gives it up for good or you are leaving. It's not going to get any better until he goes back to AA and sobers up.

I have to disagree that he's not an alcoholic. Anyone who chooses alcohol over a person is an alcoholic. He was an alcoholic once -- why do you say he isn't now, when he is showing all the classic signs? You don't have to be drunk to be an alcoholic.

Your husband is quickly going down a slippery slope. I suggest you draw a hard line in the sand, now. Tell him it's you or the booze. And how dare he laugh at you when you try to make him drink less - someone who has already admittedly had a problem with drinking. Shame on him.

Listen to Laura U. (and everyone else).

He's an alcoholic who is drinking. You are the only one who can decide to stay or go. However, you have a child now. What happens if he is driving drunk with your child? You make it sound like "well, its just wine and beer". Sorry, an alcoholic can't drink PERIOD. He needs treatment now and you need counseling.

He needs to get back to getting support from AA and some counseling. Eventually he'll move back to full fledge alcoholism if hasn't already. Once an addict always one....Please address this sooner rather than later for the sake of your family and your marriage.

He has a drinking problem. You.

It doesn't matter if he thinks he has a problem. You have a problem with how he's handling it.
Therefore, he can continue it, or lose you.

How far are you prepared to go with this? Divorce? Therapy? You have to decide what YOU want the end result to be, and to understand that you can't change his behavior - only how YOU react to it.

Good luck sweetie.

You are the one with a choice to make,(he's made his-and it's wine not you) do you teach your children that this is normal healthy behavior (driving and drinking!) they should copy or do you make a stand that you sill not raise your children around alcoholism? When he sees you are serious about this and ready to leave him if he doesnt QUIT completely he will have to rethink his choice.

You have already gotten a lot of advice about how he is still an alcoholic, which I agree with (both my parents are/were alcoholic and it "runs" in the family). I just wanted to add that you need to tell him that if he is having social anxiety, he needs to find a healthier way of dealing with it (and gulping a huge glass of wine before he sees people is extremely unhealthy). If he is in denial about being alcoholic, maybe you can try to get him to get help for his social anxiety. If this is truly the reason he wants to drink, then tell him seeing a therapist for his anxiety is a much healthier way of dealing with it.

My husband and I are both shy people, but neither of us feel the need to drink alcohol before seeing people, so it might just be the excuse he is using. But it is worth a try (my mom struggled with alcoholism, and getting therapy for her anxiety has helped her a lot). Good luck, I H. you are able to work it out with your husband.

If you are not too overwhelmed with responses by now, please let me offer a few more words of advice as someone who has recently traveled down the very same road you are on.
First of all, I agree with everyone else; your husband is (most likely) an addict and no matter what the substance is, an addict will always chose their substance over all else. Not for lack of love or desire for their family, friends, home, job, etc. but because they have no control over their addiction. I know this because 18 months ago my husband was escorted home from work because he was “drunk on the job”. You would think that the threat of losing a 28 year career, the home he's lived in for 16 years and a 25 year marriage would have been enough to make my husband stop drinking that very day but unfortunately that was not the case. Addiction is just not that easy. After six very long heartbreaking months and two attempts in rehab, I’m grateful to say he has been sober for the past year; however I still have that same sick to my stomach feeling that at any moment he could lose his daily battle with the desire to drink. Here are a few things I’ve learned during this often very painful journey:
•You cannot fix or change your husband’s condition, he has to first acknowledge that he has a problem and then he has to decide to get the help he needs.
•You have to decide where your breaking point is and you must be very clear to your husband about where that point lies. If he crosses the line you’ve drawn, you must be able to follow through with your plan; which brings me to the next lesson learned,
•You need to create a solid plan for how you will take care of yourself and children should that become necessary.
•You should be supportive in his efforts to get well, should he decide to get help, but more importantly, get support for yourself. Al-Anon was not right for me, it may not work for you – but find some type of group that can give you the support you need. And one last little bit of advise;
•If you are a person of faith, consider the message found in Proverbs 3:5-6 which reads;
trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.
Good luck my friend, I wish you and your family the best and pray that God will bless you in your efforts.