My eldest daughter has always been different. She seems to have been born "old". She was a very mature baby, (I know that sounds strange but it's true!), and at 10, is now a little adult in many ways. She has always been extremely smart and we had to skip her a grade so she could fit in better with other kids. She is still at the top of her class and more mature than most her age(I'm not saying this at all to brag but it may be relevant to my problem). She reads more than any kid I have ever known.
She has never been a very emotional child. She doesn't like to be touched much or hugged and is very independent. She seems to care about others and has become sad when she hears or reads about a sad situation, but beyond that, she seems too much in her own world to be in touch with others. She isn't very expressive most of the time. She does adore her younger sister and will hug her voluntarily. She also has recently become quite interested in developing friendships with other girls which is so great to see. They all seem to like her too. She has a great sense of humor and is very easy to be around as she is not at all demanding in any way.
I have worried a bit about my daughters lack of emotion, talked to other moms, read a bit and concluded that she just is who she is. She is a good girl, is considerate of others and sweet in her own way. Last night though, I asked her if she loved her father because she doesn't show him much interest or any affection. He is very interested in her, and all his kids, a good man and a great dad. She hesitated and said she didn't know. I asked her if she'd be sad if he wasn't in her life and she answered that she wouldn't know unless it happened. This was heartbreaking to me and I was trying to understand her. I then asked her if she loved me. We are very close. I would say I am the one person she shares everything with, we laugh together a lot and I am the one who really lets her be who she is and doesn't try to force her to be more "normal". She seems to love me. Her answer, though, really shocked me. She hesitated again, seriously, and then said she doesn't know. When I reacted surprisingly, she still just was very honest and said, "I just don't know". I asked her if she loved her sister and if she loved anyone and all she could say was "I don't know". I understand she may not know what love is but I've never heard of a kid not loving their own mother, especially one who is completely devoted to the child!
I feel kind of sick when I think about it and it is hurtful but then I know she expresses herself differently to most kids. I understand she may not really know what love is and I can't say I do either when I really think about it! My other daughter is so cuddly and tells me she loves me constantly and my son is very loving too. My husband and I are affectionate people and have a wonderful supportive family.
Does anyone have any advice for me? Have any of you experienced anything like this? Should I be concerned or upset? Please help!
Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses both kind and harsh! :D I wish I could answer every one of you personally but I realize I'll never get around to that so please accept my apologies and this less personal thank you.
I have considered whether my daughter has Aspergers or not and, although it is a possibility since many of her characteristics seem to point to that, the one thing that doesn't, seems to be the one that is the main characteristic of Asperger's. Unlike everything I've read/heard about kids with Asperger's, my daughter is very observant of her own and other people's behaviors and seems to pick up on all subtle cues and acts accordingly. I will keep it in my mind though should it become relevant and/or helpful to acknowledge that in her at some later time. (I hope that made sense ??)
I also can rule out, although thanks for mentioning it as it could very well have been an issue, that my daughter is overshadowed by her twin siblings. She seems quite happy with the attention they receive and has never, even since their birth, shown any signs of jealousy or disappointment by having them in the family. She actually seems to like the attention getting off her and onto them. She has received a lot of natural attention for her amazing brightness and she seems proud of herself for that. I worried when I was pregnant with twins that this could be very h*** o* her but I have never seen any signs at all of this. Phew!
Thank you also for the suggestions for books to read that may be of help. I have obtained a copy of The Five Love Languages and hope to find some time to actually read it!
For the few of you who scolded me for asking her if she loved her parents and gave me harsh words about trying to get MY needs met from her or forcing her to conform to what I want her to be, thank you for bringing that all to my attention so bluntly since I understand how horrible the situation COULD be for my poor daughter with a parent who did that. I go out of my way to show my daughter it is okay to be different and I am not a needy person by nature. I guess my original request could have come across that way, though. I have never asked her again about whether she loves us or not and I do understand all the reasons she could have answered in the way that she did. I really just wanted a discussion with you insightful moms and you all gave me something to think about for which I am grateful. I absolutely will not try to change my daughter in this way so not to worry! I was simply trying to understand her. I fully respect that she is who she is and will express herself in her own way. The reason I asked in the first place is because we talk openly about all sorts of things and it's not out of the ordinary for me to ask her things about her thoughts or feelings. I am careful with my reaction when I deem I need to be for her sake!
This whole event has made me realize that my husband and his family are the most practical people I have ever met. Sometimes emotions are not practical and they alway tend toward the practical no matter what the situation. They are not very demonstrative or emotional people despite being loving, generous and kind. It's all very interesting to analyze.
Thank you again for your responses. Take care and I hope I can be of help to you one day!
I have not read all the responses, so this might be a repeat. How about reading the book The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Smalley. This may help you see how she expresses love. Blessings.
Stac
Ji Y- I've never experienced this, but I would have to agree with the response that David S. gave. It sounds like Asperger's to me, anyways. But I'm not a professional.
HI! I don't think you should be upset. She sounds like a thoughtful and serious person. What she is saying that she doesn't know what love is. She is taking your question both literally and seriously. I think just telling her you and your husband love her very much is all need to do. AND why are asking her if she loves you? You know she loves you! Why are you hounding her about this? Why do you need your child to validate your mothering? She sounds like an amazing, unique child. Just keep telling her you love her, and continue to be a good mother. If you want gratitude, adopt a dog. It's our job to raise them to leave us, to go on and have wonderful lives.
I don't really know where your problem is or what type of advice you might be looking for. You are talking about your daughter's feelings; they are not a "problem" to be solved - they are what they are. She is only ten. she probably doesn't really know what love is and is actually at this point in time starting to think for herself and wonder just what love really is, especially given the fact that she is so mature. So, are you looking for ways to "change" your daughter so she will express love the way you want her too? What are you looking for? Just accept your daughter for who she is and know that she loves you and don't require her to express it in a way that you want it expressed. I'm sure she also loves her father, but probably just doesn't have a whole lot in common with him right now. Maybe some sort of father/daughter activity might spur some communication between the two. Just let her be herself - don't pressure her to show you love and affection the way you believe it should be done. she's her own person and should be allowed to express herself in a way that is comfortable for her, otherwise it's not her self-expression.
J. - I think you have already received all the advice you need on this one. The other moms have given you lots of wisdom.
Hearing what your daughter said would certainly hurt, I understand. But as others said, accept your daughter for who she is and what she is able to give. Brain "wiring" is a real thing, and she cannot help who she is. Aspergers? Maybe, but does a label really change anything? There is a vast spectrum of personality types and emotional types, most of which cannot be labeled. She is who she is. Get your cuddles from your other kids and enjoy what is wonderful about your oldest.
As a mom with older kids, all of whom are on their way out the door, I can tell you that in 6-8 years you will have to begin to learn to redefine yourself and get your kudos from other sources anyway, once your children are embarking upon their own lives. At that stage in their lives, no matter how much they love you, their thoughts and feelings are directed elsewhere. That time of mommy being the light of their lives is over.
I know my kids love me a lot, but do they want to hang out with me? No, they want to be with their friends. Do they want to hug me and kiss me and hold my hand? No, after age 15 or so, they want to do that with their peers of the opposite sex, and rightly so. Never again are my kids going to be in my lap giving me kisses. I'm looking forward to grandkids already.
You've received some great advice here, (and some iffy) however, I do think she is normal for her. I'd also recommend the book "The 5 Love Languages". It is eye opening and helps you relate to most people in your life. Also "Personality Plus for Parents" helps parents focus on their kids' personalities, not their own. She does love you & Dad, she just isn't one to express it the same way. Be secure in that and make sure she knows you love her regardless of how she relates love to you.
Hi there... it sound to me that she is very secure in who she is and really grounded. If she was killing animals and not bothered by it i would worry. Your daughter however does not over react as it seems most of us do ... We gush with emotion because we know the opposite of the emotion we are showing or feeling... in other words in order to understand love we must know hate and how that feels to know the opposite. Or to cherish our children we had to desire them from a starting point of not having any, watching others progress with children and feeling the sense we were missing out on something. Are you following me here? She may be the normal one living in joy and peace because she has been with wonderful parents. She could be an old soul ... mature, common sense,and able to rationalize life... you however can learn so much from her... simple pleasures and taking life as it comes... You were born in a generation of Indigo Children.. google the words and read about some special human beings born you may identify with this group. Your daughter was a gift to you, not given to anyone else but you .... probably because you know exactly whats best for her. You both know how blessed you are to have each other... enjoy that bond, you could also be the only one who thinks she is soooo different careful with what you teach her.. you might just teach her your fears... something to think about. Pray for your answers... they will fill you with peace, your doing a great job.
My second thought is Asperger's Syndrome, research it and get a professionals opinion. Those with this syndrome are incredible incredible people. I marvel in their presence and what amazing humanitarians they are.
I would try not to judge her. We're all made differently! I have never been emotional - I don't cry at funerals, I had a very difficult time bonding with my older daughter when she was born. I taught myself how to bond better with my younger daughter, but it was sort of an academic exercise to do that. My husband teases me that I'm emotionally like a man - I just don't get the whole "warm and fuzzy" thing at all. I even have a really hard time with religion - even though I was raised going to church every Sunday, I can't wrap my head around believing something I can't see or can't prove exists. I don't like hugging people (although I do hug my children and husband because they seem to enjoy it). I'm not sure why I'm this way - nobody else in my family is this way. Like your daughter, I was way ahead of my schoolmates in terms of maturity and academics. I've always been way more of a "thinker" than a "feeler."
BUT there is an upside to this! I've been very successful in business because I'm able to be analytical, and I don't ever make an emotional decision. When bad things have happened in my life, I've been able to view them as a learning experience, and have really not been too put out. I only mention this to show that there can be benefits to being an "ice queen!"
To address your daughter's issue, you need to accept that she will probably never change, however the vast majority of people will expect her to be warm and fuzzy, so she ought to learn to fake it. If that means telling family members she loves them to make them happy, then she should tell them she loves them. If she needs to hug people in greeting to make them feel like she loves them, then she should hug them. Like I said, for me this was really an academic process - so-and-so hugs in greeting, therefore I will hug her when I see her. Babies like their moms to smile at them and talk in a stupidly high voice, therefore I will smile at my baby and talk in a helium voice. That kind of thing. It can be learned. A great benefit to being really smart is the ability to learn just about anything, including acting. =) If she is happy the way she is, and she can learn to say the right things to keep everyone else happy with her, then she'll be just fine.
Hi there,
Your daughter sounds like a neat kid and a blessing. She sounds a lot like my hubby. Are you familiar with Asperger's Syndrome (a type of autism)? My advice would be to read up on it, and see if you think your daughter might fit the criteria. There is so much reading material available written by people on the autism spectrum, to help those of us who are more "typical" understand what it's like to be them. One of my favorites is a book called "Look Me in the Eye". I can't think of the author off the top of my head. There is also a wonderful author named Temple Grandin who has written several books, all of which are great. Don't let the word "autism" freak you out :-) There are many many great, wonderful, fantastic people that are on the autism spectrum. Autism is a whole range from very severely disabled people, to geniuses and everything in between. My husband is the greatest guy I've ever known, and he has Asperger's. Quirky definitely though :-)
Best wishes and continue to enjoy your daughter :-) I believe she will continue to be a tremendous blessing to you throughout your life!
A.
My "advice" is to consider how "actions speak louder than words" applies in your daughter's case. She may not be a touchy-feely type but it doesn't sound that she's behaving in a non-loving way at all, it sounds that she's being loving but just doesn't express it in as demonstrative and spontaneous a manner as others do. She also sounds like someone who gives serious thought to her words and doesn't want to say something unless she's certain she really honestly means it. Perhaps (I tend to be overanalytical myself so I may be totally overanalyzing her) she might have even been as surprised by your question as you were by her answer - meaning, perhaps she wondered why you would ask if she loved her, and perhaps she even wondered that if what she was doing didn't already show that she loved you that perhaps then she didn't really know what you meant by "love"?
And please, please, try not to perceive her reaction as an indication that you've somehow failed as a parent because your sweet, smart daughter didn't throw her arms around you and say "Of course I love you mom!" As you know, we're all wired differently and someone who quietly goes about his or her business with little fanfare could easily be expressing love in his or her own way more sincerely than someone who's all cards and flowers one moment and doing something inconsiderate moments later.
And as much as I dislike labeling any type of behavior, as a mom to an Asperger child who has discovered that in all likelihood I'm also an Aspie, I wonder if perhaps there is something in your daughter's "wiring" that influences the way she interacts. Believe me, I'm not saying this as any sort of criticism of you or your child - I believe that our world has benefitted greatly by contributions from brilliant artists, scientists, musicians, poets, and writers who were somewhere on the autism spectrum - I'm saying this because personally when I realized that there was a probable neurological component to my behavioral 'quirks' as well as my daughters' 'quirks', that understanding was a relief to me as well as a helpful point of reference when considering what sorts of approaches would be useful for me or for my daughter in building up social skills and alleviating anxiety in social situations. To me the Aspie label is neither a curse of "I or my daughter will always be like this" nor an excuse for a social faux pas - it's more like knowing that something is written in a foreign language and there needs to be some translation in order to understand what's being said. Does that make sense? Feel free to email me directly if you'd like to chat more.
PS: When I first heard my daughter's diagnosis, I remember being encouraged by the words of Natalie Merchant's song "Wonder", which I heard on the car radio as I left the meeting with my DD's psych - I almost had to pull over to both laugh and cry at the same time....
"people see me
I'm a challenge
to your balance
I'm over your heads
how I confound you
and astound you
to know I must be one of the wonders
of god's own creation
and as far as you see you can offer me
no explanation
I believe
fate smiled and destiny
laughed as she came to my cradle
"know this child will be able"
laughed as she came to my mother
"know this child will not suffer"
laughed as my body she lifted
"know this child will be gifted
with love, with patience
and with faith
she'll make her way"
Good morning,
If I were you I would have her tested for aspergers. From what you have written she sounds like that is what she might me. It would be something to really look into. there are lot of books out there about it and if you talk to your doctor they can lead you in the right direction.
J.
Your daughter doesn't express emotions like you do. YOU said so in your words. Why would you force her to either express emotions or dissapoint you? Even I knew, reading your words, which way she would go. OF COURSE she Loves you. with all her heart. It's the expression of it that's different for her. Listen to her actions, not her words. You said she talks with you, laughs with you, shares with you - that IS Love in it's greatest form. Dont force her to "act" like others. Not even if you're trying to get her to act like you. You said she is different than you, your husband, your others kids... Let her be. It's not wrong. She may be the most normal one of you all...
Just continue to express your love for your daughter and keep laughing with her. She is not lacking in emotion; she is a thinker and a processor. Someone with a great sense of humor cannot be lacking in emotion. Maybe you are looking at this from the wrong point of view or expecting her to be like her expressive cuddly sister. One way is not better than the other. She sounds like a brilliant unique child. Don't try to mold her as she is probably wiser than you. (no offense but gifted children most often are). Be confident. Do not feel upset in any way. Create a sign just for her like patting your heart and smiling at her to remind her that you love her and feel her love. And never ask a question that you know the answer to or have a set answer you want to hear. She is a deep thinker and you will be surprised at her answers. In fact apologize for asking the question and tell her you already knew the answer that she loves you and pat your heart and smile at her. See what happens. Your confidence will give her confidence. Don't label your daughter. The best gift you can give your daughter is to let her be herself and accept and love her as she is. It is all any of us really want.
GOOD LUCK.
Your daughter sounds very much like me. My mother and father and my mother's brothers and I were were not terribly cuddly and certainly no one ever discussed love. It's a very complicated subject and I think your daughter is being honest in answering your questions. She recognizes that it is a subject that should not be trivialized and I think she takes for granted that her father and you love her and probably never has considered not having you in her life.
I never heard my parents say they loved each other (they were married 50 years), and I've never heard my father mention it in the 10 years since my mother died, but I would never think they didn't love each other or me or my brother. Some people just don't verbalize it or physically show it. Relax, and don't worry.
She is only 10, don't label her too soon. And I agree with other posters here that say "don't keep asking her about love" you are only pressuring her and she probably feels like you have her under a microscope watching her emotions. She may turn out to be a great Doctor or Nurse some day. As you watch her life unfold as she gets older you will then understand why she has been blessed with the capability of not being too emotionally involved. I thank God for those kind of people every day!
I pray that you and your kids know the Lord, as God is Love and you can't truly love anything until you feel God's love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Hello JjY: I know that you need this to be about your need to see how this looks from your eyes but I would like you to consider your child from another view from her eyes.
I have 5 children, raised several foster children and seen many who acted like this from horrible experiences that have happened to them- thank goodness this is not the case for your child. The reason this hit so close to my heart is
You have just described my son who I love and adore very much. He just happens to have Asperser’s Syndrome. He is dear, kind and tries very hard --- BUT --- he does not always relate like one might expect. Not because he doesn't FEEL but because he DOESN'T HAVE THE SKILLS TO GET HIS FEELINGS OUT. He never even told his teachers ( it was during mid terms) that his father had died because he couldn't share his emotions.
When asked a direct question about how he felt about his father's recent death, he just looks at you, You might never know that he held his father and heard his last breath. He watches me like a hawk in case I have a need or holds my hand when I am crying so hard I vomit. Why ?? because he feels deeply for others & he is the last one to express a need, because he cares so deeply for others. His feelings he thinks aren't as important or welcome because he will respond different than one might expect. AS the parent, try investigating what can be going on within your child. It took us years before we found the right doctors and educators that helped us diagnose his problem and his life was miserable before that -- some thought he was retarded in areas UNTRUE he has proven how bright he is but as with many types of Autism he just can't get it out and once it is out getting it to sound as he wanted it to is hard. I hope that you are able to talk to your school special services, your doctor or a diagnosing testing service that after all the questions are asked and the results are in you learn things about your sweet child that will help her and you for the rest of her life. We did a series of personality tests as well as other areas of his health and it took us 3 months to do the entire process but it has been well worth it and blessed his life beyond measure.
We looked up Asperser’s Syndrome online and learned so much so I hope that you will consider this as well. Good Luck, Nana G
You know in your gut that something is different with your daughter and you should explore it. I suggest you find a good counselor that understands your situation and work it out with your daughter. Honestly it doesn't seem "normal" and you sound like a great mom and you have all the right to be concerned. I know I would and it's better to get this resolved early on before she becomes a teen, when things can become difficult. I'm sure your family will get through this with love. best wishes
First of all, it sounds like your daughter may be an old soul... I know that we are not supposed to remember other lives but perhaps she does somewhat... in her subconscious.
We raise our kids and we tell them we love them and we display love but I can see where a child maybe doesn't understand love. I wonder how many parents ask their kids if they love them. I think we just know they do and we continue to display the love around them.
Growing up... on the kitchen table we had this yellow pear dish that we called the "love dish." We all put our love into this object and we knew there was always love in the house. Sounds silly, I guess... but love was always there in the home... we knew it because of that dish.
I have always assumed that my parents loved me and I always assumed that my kids love me. I never had to ask. It may have been an intense question for her and thus putting her on the spot and having to admit she really didn't know what love is.
I think you are reading way too much into this. I feel you just need to keep the love in the family and not ask "do you love me?" Just accept the love that is there.
Oh J. Y, your daughter sounds so much like mine. My daughter is 8 y.o. and highly gifted. What you have described is a gifted child - no more, no less. She is who she is and she has been blessed/cursed with being gifted. She feels some things deeper than others and yet does not always seem to get it. Yep, that's my daughter too. Have you read any books on gifted kids? There is a great web site at http://giftedhomeschoolers.org/. I know it's for homeschoolers, but it has some wonderful information on gifted children.
Please do not despair. She loves you and her dad in only the way she can, and probably deeper than you will ever know.
L.
Dear J.,
I'm sure your feelings are hurt, but I wouldn't put too much stock into your daughter saying she "doesn't know" if she loves you. She gave you an honest answer. And, it sounds as if she's not incapable of compassion or empathy, it's just the way she expresses herself and her feelings outwardly that may lead you to believe she doesn't have those feelings at all.
I LOVE hot weather. I LOVE certain songs. I LOVE cheesecake! But, is that really love when I compare it to the feelings I have for my children? Not really. Love is just a word sometimes when you think about it.
It's certainly nice to hear, "I love you". But love can be shown in other ways.
My friend is back east taking care of a family member. Her husband (who is like a dad to me) took me out to dinner Saturday night. I asked how things were going with her and he said fine, but everytime she calls him, which has been several times a day, she asks him if he loves her and if he misses her. He said, "I really wish she wouldn't keep asking me that. Of course I love her. With all my heart. I try to show her by doing nice things for her all the time. And I do tell her I love her, just not every 5 minutes. And of course I miss her. But, I was a single dad raising kids all on my own before she came along and I'm not going to fall apart or anything while she's gone. I'll be happier than hell to have her back home, but I don't think I need to tell her that every 5 minutes. I'm not the kind of person who says that stuff all the time." He tells me and my son that he loves us too. But is it love compared to his love for her or their grandkids? No.
I was a very sensitive child, to say the least. I was "gifted" and felt things to the other extreme. My heart broke if I saw an elderly person eating alone. I was a voracious reader and I began writing poetry very young. In the first grade, we made little booklets about ourselves and our families. One thing I wrote began,
"I love my mom
She is always com"
I meant calm, of course, and I guess that's the word I could think of to describe her. To this day, she is not a sensitive or very affectionate person. But, she sewed all our clothes and surprised us with gifts and let me be free to use my imagination. I was almost 40 before I ever heard her say she was really proud of me. I learned very early on that she would never express things with words the way I do. It didn't mean she didn't love me.
What is love? That's a good question.
But there are no simple answers. I don't think you should keep asking your daughter about it so much. Give her time to find the words for her feelings and how to express them outwardly that feels right to her.
Know that she loves you.
Best of wishes!
From the way you describe your daughter, I think she's probably just a delightfully different child. You likely are worrying too much about this. I can understand where you're coming from, but I think you need to just back off and enjoy the relationship you have with her and not worry too much about it. Her way of relating, feeling and showing love may be different, but at age ten she likely isn't really sure what true love is. And as you mention you now are feeling you aren't really all that sure... well, are any of us? Love can mean many things and some of us are more capable of the emotional aspect of love while others express their love in more practical ways. It sounds like your daughter is one who will show her love in what she does for others rather than in the emotional hugging and cuddly sort of ways. You might benefit from reading a book called 'The Five Languages of Love' by Gary Chapman. He gives in it various ways people express and accept love. The following link will take you to a page about the book he wrote specifically about the love languages of children so you can research it before buying the book.
http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/books_familyparenting.ht...
It sounds like she may a have some aspects of Aspergers, if not actual Aspergers. She's obviously very high functioning - but Aspergers affects the expression of emotion and emotional connections. This doesn't make her a bad or evil person. And you can't take this personally. Also, don't push her on the topic, it will just make her feel bad. She's being honest with you and that's a good thing. Of course she loves and cares for her family. She just doesn't experience or express it the way "normal" people do.
J. Y,
I know this has to be very hurtful but it sounds like your daughter is a caring and kind person and that alone is an act of love. What she may not know at 10 years of age is if she meets your defination of love, therefore, she dosent know...If she is as "old" a spirit as you believe then she is aware of the way you need the question answered not the simple context in which you have put it. Just go by her actions for now on this one, she loves her family. In time she will be able to express this.
God Bless!
C.
As long as your daughter consistently demonstrates compassion and empathy for others, I wouldn't worry too much about "lack of emotion." Given her intelligence, she may be trying to define for herself what "love" is, since it is defined in so many different ways by so many people in so many different situations. It may be important to her to be truthful, rather than to just say what everyone expects her to say. That is rare and precious in someone so young.
There is a book called "Great Books for High School Kids: a Teacher's Guide to Books That Can Change Teens' Lives," by Rick Ayers and Amy Crawford, which might be helpful to you in guiding her reading, as she enters her teens. The subject index lists many important books about subjects such as "Coming of Age and Growing Up," and "Making Moral Choices in an Immoral World." That's not to say you should choose her reading for her, but if you are aware of the best stuff out there, you may be able to help steer her in good directions.
On the other hand, if she does not show compassion and empathy for others, I would look for a good children's therapist immediately.
Everyone has emotions and we all express them differently. We are just not able to see it. Your daughter is a thinker and keen observer with a high sense of awareness. And, I consider that far more normal and healthy. As for the love, her answer I don't know is very genuine and honest. I myself as a grown up mother of a 5 yr old am still looking for meaning of true love. I don't think anyone really knows. We just have adopted a worldly version that if you do or say this then it is love. And that when we have relationship by marriage or blood, then we must love each other by default.
To me, love is a very selfish feeling even though it is said that true love is selfless and love means giving and setting the other person free. However, we only say we love someone when we like something about that person and we feel happy with that person. We feel sad when we don't get what we expect to get from that person. Try loving someone whom you don't like or hate, or who does not meet your expectations. Do we love someone for who he or she truly is. Do we really mean it when we say, I love you just the way you are. What we really mean is that I love for who you are. If you change, my love will change too.
I think, we don't do someone any favor when we say I love you. We do ourself a favor as it is about our happiness. The person hearing I love you may feel good that he or she is able to make someone happy and that he or she is important (self esteem). But if the person hearing these words thinks oh I am so great and I do/care so much for him/her and she/he loves me for that(ego esteem). It is all in the game of giving and receiving. I recommend these books:
1. Between parent and child by Haim Ginott
2. Children's emotions and moods by Michael Lewis
3. Magic Trees of Minds: How to Nurture your child's intelligence, creativity, and Healthy Emotion by Marian Diamond
4. Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
5. Winning through enlightenment
6. The Road Less Travelled
7 How to Raise your child's emotional intellegence
Best,
-Rachna
This subject has been intriqueing to me since I was in High school. I had a friend, who I had the chance to get to know a little better as my chemistry partner. She seemed to not be swayed by emotions like everyone else I had ever known. He best friend died in a house fire on Christmas, and she wasn't bawling her eyes out at the funeral like the rest of us were. She was pleasant and warm to be around, did very well in school, was the daughter of the school librarian and an art teacher (both very wonderful people also), and her brother was a great guy too. She cared deeply, just didn't express it the same way.
One other person is like a cousin to me; our families have been very close for 30 years (she's 28). She's very bright, successful, artistic and beautiful in every way and very, very kind. She and her younger brother still hug and kiss each other. Her parents are the most loving dedicated parents I know of. But she didn't cry when her 15 year-old cousin hung himself. I know she cared, but she just expresses herself differently.
Your daughter sounds very cerebral, like these young women. And this just may be her normal.
Please dont take it personally because she does not say "I love you" - it will mean SO much more down the road if/when she ever says it to you, because you know she is not just saying it.
It is okay, and you certainly have plenty of love/cuddling from your other children, you are lucky to have that.
I remember would call my sister (middle child, oldest of youngest 3 - we are 2, 7, 2 & 2 yrs apart) Huggies or Luvs (this is way back when those brands were fairly new!) because she was such a huggy loving child. She sort of trained my parents to show affection each day with a good night or goodbye hug, etc. I still dont hug as much as I would like, same as my husband. :/
My husband could not say "I love you" to me for the first few years of marriage, I had to not ask because it wasn't fair to put him on the spot (and I didn't like to not hear him not say that) But he does love me. And I do love him, I probably say it more because I feel it is something we "should" say. Is that good? I dont know. Normal - I guess so. There are all sorts of people falling at any point on a wide range. Your daughter just happens to be at one end. Love her, appreciate her, let her bloom and grow securely and dont be upset she doesnt say those 3 words to you.
But of course, if you feel her emotions are dysfunctional (not just the way they are in her personal normal) then perhaps you could check it out to be sure there's nothing going on like aspergers or whatnot. (I have a brother in law who is mildly aspergers and other members of his family have it too, some worse, some probably not as bad. It took him FOREVER to decide to marry my sister, but they are so sweet together and with their little girl, it is not a concern at all.)
WOW! that is interesting! Have you given any thought to the fact that your eldest daughter may have had a hard time adjusting to the birth of her new siblings which happen to be twins? There may be some confusion about how love looks and feels with her due to the fact that others may have fawned over the twins/new babies, and this may have left her feeling left out or perhaps inadequate. If she intellectualizes everything as it sounds may be her natural way, then perhaps she hasnt found the emotion to couple with the logic and forgive or understand. It seems that she may benefit greatly by spending time with both parents together and separate, but without the twins whom im sure command a lot of attention. Perhaps being direct about it but relating it to a fictional person and asking her about it may jog her to communicate about it more readily and openly! Also as a reader she may really enjoy a book or short story about the situation as she sees it. (it is fairly common to feel insecure and displaced when you dont understand how you fit into others lives/hearts in comparison with your sibling/s) Hopefully this offers some help to you, you seem to be a very loving and concerned parent! It may just be your daughter who is trying to find her voice within the family dynamic. Continued individualized time with parents would be nice too! Best of Wishes!
It sounds to me like your daughter is extremely intelligent and thoughtful. She may not completely understand the concept of love and, therefore, is hesitant to say she feels it. I'm willing to bet if you phrased the question differently, you may get a different answer.
I know this doesn't help much, but I'd look to her actions for your answer, too. You said she tells you everything and that you're very close. I would interpret that to mean that she loves you dearly, even if she can't expressly state it. It sounds like your devotion is not in question with her, merely the meaning of the emotion.
But I have to say - I hope my daughter is as concise with her words and tries to understand her own emotions as much as yours does. Self-reflection is invaluable and rare.
She sounds INCREDIBLY intelligent, and very deep.
Maybe she is considering all the aspects and facets of love she has ever heard.
Would she give her life for you?
Does she love you unconditionally..even if you were to do something horrible to hurt her?
Does she love you more than herself?
When thinking this deeply and trying to be 100% honest with yourself and others, how many people can you say you truly love?
Please J. dont worry or feel bad about this. I pray God lifts this off of your heart.
You are asking your DD if she feels love, and maybe she is thinking you are asking her if she feels emotion the way she sees YOU express emotion. Shes only 10, she probably cant label it.
Heck, I've seen grown men not be able to label their feelings or put feelings into words.
Here is what the Bible says about Love :
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13
"Greater Love has no one that this, that he lay down his life for a freind" - John 15:13
"Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you"
-Mat 5:44
"how many times must I forgive my brother? Seven times?Jesus answered, " I tell you not seven times but seventy seven times". -Mat 18:21
"Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes your right cheek turn to him the left, if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic give to him your cloak also,.give to those who ask of you,and do not turn away from those who want to borrow from you" - mat 5:39
Remember GOD IS LOVE. 1 Cor 13 is actually listing God's attributes! Now we also know that God is holy and does not sin, he has no sin in him. What does the Bible list as sin...(the opposite of love?) : impurity, debauchery, immorality, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, discord, brawling, slander, malice, jealousy, obcenity, vain conciet, bitterness, anger, fits of rage, selfishness, dissention, faction and envy, greed, drunkeness, unforgiveness, and the like. This is the absence of love. I'm sure these are not the actions your daughter shows towards you.
Over and over in the bible God talks about how if people really loved God, they would follow his commands and want to please him and do his will. So according to the word of God, true love isn't based on emotion, it is based on action. Actions flow out of the heart.
Also do you know that every person was designed SPECIFICALLY by God himself- to be the way they are? The Bible says in Psalm 139 : "For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
She is unique and there will never be another person like her out of the whole entire universe.
So fear not! Everything is ok and working out the way God meant the universe to unfold. Do not let the evil one fill your mind with these thoughts. Your daughter knows what love is, she shows you everyday.
Blessings,
Gail
