Disciplining a 6 Year Old Girl

She's allowed to have feelings - some people are more sensitive than others and no amount of telling them to "suck it up" is going to change their personality.

Dad needs to learn how to control his temper and stop yelling. How would you feel if he yelled at you like that every time you messed up? I don't like being yelled at. Both my parents were screamers and it didn't do me ANY good - lots of harm done.

I'm not saying let the kids walk all over you guys and do whatever they want - just find a more effective method of communication.

K., Please consider that while you are trying to teach your daughter to speak the truth and tell you and her dad everything, the moment she speaks up when her dad is "loud and aggressive", YOU tell her that her speaking up is talking back and it is not the right thing to do. You are confusing her. Your daughter is trying to express herself in a very acceptable way - through her words. Your focus should be on your husband's behavior. Think about what he is teaching your daughter by the way he expresses his feelings/thoughts. Your daughter's comments about feeling hurt by her dad's reactions are justified. At least she is still wanting him to hug her, when it would be easier for her to just turn away from him, not wanting to further incur his "loud and aggressive" reaction. B.

I read your post, and then re-read it and then read ALL the responses a couple times, and I have to agree with Susan...your husband sounds like he is the one with the issue.

Your daughter is expressing herself. Her feelings are hurt and she needs comforting. If your husband snaps every time your kids do something wrong, they will learn to avoid Dad and not include him in their lives. If you 'allow' him to behave like this towards his children, and even make excuses for him then, sadly you will be left out too. Telling your daughter that it's wrong to speak her mind because Daddy is angry for the 'right reason' is going to teach her the exact opposite of what you said in the 1st paragraph of your post.

If she has done something wrong, then of course discipline is necessary in some form that makes clear what was done wrong and why it was not okay. If you don't set ground rules now, no amount of talking to your child will help you when she gets older.

You need to sit down with Dad and discuss parenting styles and discipline, and how best to work with both your girls moving forward.

Good Luck!

I don't know if you and your husband will be receptive to this but I feel your entire family could benefit from the book 1-2-3 Magic! It comes in book form, book on tape and DVD/Video available at most libraries. It appears to me that you are assuming that your daughter is a "little adult" therefore if you reason with her, she'll change her ways. At the same time your husband is throwing his own temper tantrums daily which isn't effective parenting. Too much talking and emotion will ruin your attempts at parenting your child effectively. My 10 year old son and 3 year old daughter were thinking they ran my house 2 weeks ago. Now that my husband and I have started using these techniques (no yelling, arguing or hitting - encouraging good behavior and using time outs or rest periods for negative behavior), I'm in control again (for the most part - it's only been a few weeks). I'm amazed and very pleased with the outcome. I hope you'll take a look.

Your Husband needs to correct 'his' behavior.
It's not fair, putting that on your daughter's shoulder's to be responsible for. It's a heavy 'burden' for a child to carry around. In other words, your girl is hearing/seeing 'excuses' for her Dad's behavior....but not her's. She has no recourse.

In the long run....when she is a Teen... the manner of your Husband will not bode well for her... and will create more conflicts and 'secrets' and her not trusting him, lack of communication, and creating her views of what 'men' are and what she will in turn look for in boys, for better or for worse.
You NEED to think about this.

Yes, your husband loves his girls... but his 'short temper' is not good for anyone. Especially girls. He needs to take a long hard look at that....for their future.

*Adding this: my daughter is also 6 years old... sometimes my Hubby is a bit 'stronger' in how he 'scolds' my girl (he's not mean or loud/aggressive), but he's more 'manly' about it. Anyway, my girl is sensitive/smart/wise too... and she'll cry. So what I do, is talk with her- I tell her "I know Papa hurt your feelings.... I know you didn't mean to do that... let's go and talk to Papa about it..." (and then I 'practice' with my girl about what she can tell him)...then we go and talk to my Hubby, and we sit down and I say- "Papa, she would like to talk with you....she's sad..." and then my girl will say "Papa you hurt my feelings...I didn't mean to do anything wrong... it was a mistake. You took me the wrong way, it's not what happened..." And then, my girl will explain what happened... and then my Hubby will APOLOGIZE to her for 'wronging' her... and then they hug and my Hubby will correct himself and explain that "Sometimes grown ups make mistakes too...." AND, for me, this is a 'lesson' for both of them... for a Dad in learning how to approach his daughter, and for his daughter in LEARNING she can go to her Dad for anything and tell him how she feels AND THAT, he will HEAR her and RESPECT her, likewise. It's very important for a child, and for a parent to say 'sorry' too.
The thing is, it's not only kids who have to be "accountable" for their actions/words... parents have to be accountable to THEM too. Kids learn by this. And they learn problem-solving this way too, and TRUST of their Parents.

Good luck,
Susan

No child should ever be afraid of a parent. Please don't teach her to grow up thinking it is her fault that "he" is angry and that she can/should fix it. Of course it hurts her feelings when her father gets loud and aggressive. That "emotional stuff" is far healthier than his aggression. He needs to learn how to relate to her in calm manner. He needs to figure out where his anger is coming from and deal with that issue. One does have to set boundaries and teach respect. But a child will never truly learn what respect is if the child is not shown respect in the process.

Hi K.,
I am concerned about the message being sent to your daughter about your husband's temper. Telling her that he is upset for the "right reason" is giving him permission to act that way, and setting her up to take that from men in the future.
You mentioned concern about your daughter's emotions, but yet why is your husband not being held accountable for his?
Anger and yelling are choices. Every person is responsible for their own feelings and their responses to situations. How can a child be taught to be responsible for her own feelings when adults are not?
I don't think that your daughter crying and telling you that it hurts her feelings is a problem with her emotions. That sounds like a very healthy response and good communication skills.
The first paragraph that you wrote is very contradictory to the paragraph that you wrote about how she should handle herself when dad is angry.
Rather than setting her up to walk on eggshells around an angry father, why not work with dad to get some counseling and learn some anger management?
I've studied a lot about abusive relationships, and this just feels like a set up (an unconscious one) for your daughter to accept being treated abusively by men, and perhaps even accept it as being her fault, if she is taught that people can be angry for "right reasons". There is no right reason for anger. There can be events that trigger people's emotions, but it is each person's responsibility to make choices about dealing with things appropriately.
I really commend you for asking the question here. I hope I'm not being too hard, but I was in an abusive marriage. Something I NEVER would have believed would have happened to me. I lived in a domestic violence shelter for a while. A lot of the reasons why people put up with abusive behavior comes from early programming and belief systems put into place long before the person is ever conscious of it.
Please, I urge you to seek assistance for your husband.
Sincerely,
M.

Hi K.,

You and your husband need to find some middle ground on how to deal with discipline issues otherwise, I hate to say it, I can forecast trouble you in the future. Talking is great. All parents should do it with their children and encourage their children to talk as well, but there is a time for talking and there's a time for consequences. Your talking things through is not enough of a consequence to deter your daughters from engaging in appropriate behavior or breaking the rules.

The time for talking with your daughters about the rules and how to behave is before they get into trouble and, if they do get into the trouble, after they have suffered the consequence (time out, naughty corner, restriction, apologizing, etc.). For this to work, you and your husband need to talk with each other about how to handle discipline issues effectively and set a consistent, level-headed approach to dealing with your daughter's infractions of the rules. The punishment should fit the crime and you will need to be consistent.

As for your husband's style of discipling your daughters, he needs to tone it down a bit and be more even keeled. When you rage as a parent, you lose control and any message that you are trying to impart about what's right and what's wrong will be lost in the hostility of the moment and the fear that she is feeling. There are two other consequences that can results from your husbands ragings: (1) There's a good chance that your daughter will seek out relationships with boys or find a husband who has a short temper and is prone to raging, and do you really want that for your daughter? And (2) She will end up rebelling big time because the consequence (your husband's yelling) doesn't fit the crime and it all makes any sense to her and she's pissed.

Sometimes it is very hard to go from being lenient or explosive to being moderate sometimes. When you are overly lenient and you are trying to implement the rules, you can become overly restrictive and erratic. If you are more explosive in your parenting style, then you can end up swinging in the opposite direction and become overly lenient. This can be kind of confusing for your daughter. I would suggest that the two of you pick up a parenting book like The Suppernanny Book and read it together. Having the same core of knowledge and being on the same page as far as discipline is concerned will help you tremendously and your daughters will thank you in the long run for shaping and molding them into the well-mannered, well-behaved girls that they will eventually become.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Hi K., It sounds to me like your precious little girl is using her emotions, so you and especially your husband won't be so h*** o* her. She's going to be a woman one day, and I'm sure you know how easy it is for us woman to use our emotions to manipulate. Conversation and communication is impotant between a parent and child, she's only 6, to many words are going to be in affecteive, you need to be firm with her, she needs to have the understanding that you and your husband in is charge and she isn't no matter how emotional she gets. Reading your request, I really don't see any signs of discipline, raised voices is not discipline it's just a way for parents to vent when they are angry or frustrated with their child, but that does nothing for the child in learing right from wrong. J. L.

Hi K.,

It sounds like you're doing a great job with your daughter. My son is 6 and he is pretty sensitive also so I try to talk things out with him and let him know he can tell me anything. My husband does tend to yell a lot and I've asked him to try not too. He also withholds affection when he is angry. At those times, I explain to my husband that our son is just a little boy and you may be angry but it doesn't mean you don't love him and it doesn't mean you withhold your affection. I think it's good to hug your children after you yell at them. They have to understand that you are not happy with their behavior and that you still love them no matter what. However, they should also be able to tell their side of the story and give an explanation for their behavior. Sometimes they are correct and we need to recognize that and apologize for yelling. And if they are wrong they need to understand why.

Once kids start school they get more and more influenced by their friends so that is not going to go away and it will only get worse in high school. You just have to explain to your daughter that what other people do may not be the right thing for her or your family. Try to compromise with her when you can but make it clear which things are unacceptable even if their friends are doing them.

Good luck with everything. Hope this helps!

Hey K.,
I think you are very fortunate to have a 6 year old child willing to listen to reason, not the norm. you know. It's best to use as light a touch as possible with children, especially those who seem to be extra sensitive. When your husband over-reacts with her he is not disciplining her in a loving manner, so of course she needs the "emotional stuff" for reassurance that he still loves her. She's the 6 year old, not him. We need to be careful to discipline our children in love and not anger because they learn what they live. No amount of "buying and playing" can erase or excuse the type of anger outbursts he is subjecting her to. Your daughter can't help how she feels, of course her feelings are hurt. MINE would be. It is important to validate her feelings, but show her a good way to work through them. Justifying inappropriate behavior from anyone is just not healthy. Treating her father the way he has treated her is not allowed of course. We have such a short time to raise our children with dignity and respect, and it's HARD. Perhaps your husband could take a couple of anger management or parenting classes. I would hate to see her little spirit broken. Good luck to you all,
V.

Wouldn't hurt to talk to a therapist, especially you and your husband, about anger management and communication. This helped my husband and I quite a bit. We're still not perfect, but it definitely helped.

Hi K.:
The question is,Do you want your daughter to RESPECT you or fear you? Do you feel,your six year old daughter needs to fear you, in order to maintain control? I mean how out of control can she be?You said... shes smart,wise, intelligent and sensitive.Do you truely believe she needs to be frightened into submission? I say, YOU,because,regardless of which parent, she fears the most, she will soon fear you as well. She will grow having little faith in you and your lack of compassion,as shes being verbally abused by her father.She will begin to question,why it is,that her mother stands idle,instead of protecting her. Just something to think about. I wish you and your darlin daughter the best.

My take on this, is that you and your husband have different styles and children need that because we are teaching them to be adults who will come into contact w/ all kinds of different people. She may find more solice in you now, though will be able to handle loud, more aggressive people later on because of the benefit she's received from having your husband as her father. Because you have such an open communication w/ her, you can teach her that this is her dad's style and though it may not feel good, he has a right to be angry. In this way, you can teach her that anger is okay. That she is still loved, but this is the way her dad chooses to express his anger. My fear is that she may be manipulating (not negatively, we all manipulate) when she is not settling down and giving in reinforces her behavior. She sounds like a wonderfully sensitive child that will benefit from learning about emotion, in her self and in others.

Didn't read the other responses, just my two cents. Best to you and your family!

Jen

Hi K.:

From your sharing seams like your daughter's will is stronger than yours and already effects both of your parents' feeling/emotaion

Many of previous emails are related to child discipline issues. What I like to share are three things:
1. boss
2. boundry
3. believe

I also have a daughater of 6 years old. She is very strong will since she was a baby. She dislikes even to hold hands with us when she started to walk. Through working on these three areas, our relationship and days are getting much better.

Your daughter needs to know you parents are the boss in the house; not she. You should take the lead, not your daughter. You need to hold on to the rules you set. By setting boundries, she will be very clear on yes & no and follow accordingly. You need to give her reward if she follows accordingly. And punishment also comes if rules are not followed. It's just like how we work in the office. Everyone follow the company rules. Don't forget, you are the boss.

And if you do not know about Jesus, I would like to introduce Him to you. He does listen to prayers and guides/helps us everyday. There are many times I pray with my daughter and things happened as we prayed. She is very happy that she gets blessings and protections from God. She understands Jesus is real and does love her dearly. Also because I pray with her, she listens and follows my words since I will follow God's words. Her heart is with me since we are both filled with Jesus's love. Hope all above will help you. Jesus loves you.

Work with her to establish that whle life can be rough that is not a reason to cry when you get the hairy eye ball. Talk about the line between parents and children and who is in charge and why. Sometimes there will be understanding and sometimes there will be tears. When I was young and my mom and I got into it she would cry like a baby and have to do the emotional hugs ceremony at the end. It was very guilt producing for us girls and really shaped my ability to empathize. She could outgrow it but like you say, you might be able to reason with her. SOmetimes obedience has to be instant and without question. She needs to know that.

I really like loveandlogic.com I ordered the cd's and love them. They tell you lone liners you can use that helps the children take responsibility. It tells you what kind of parent you are. There are a few kinds he lists. Then he tells you how to change. I like it because it is a win/win for both the parent and the child. Good luck. M. R