Wedding Participation.

One of the best things a child of divorce could get is a good relationship with a step parent. They should be allowed to be in the wedding.

To forbid it, sounds pretty petty. They are not his property, they are are human beings with needs, relationships, and emotions that reach far beyond his abilities to stifle them. All this can do is harm his relationship with them.

It sounds like Mom has been the primary caregiver for several years. Due to his job in the military, Dad has not been as involved in their lives as he perhaps wanted to be...one of the huge downsides of military life. Bottom line is that Mom has been doing the heavy lifting of parenting for at least a few years. I think that her wants should weigh heavier than his at this point. For the sake of his children, they need to be part of the huge changes going on within their lives with their mother marrying someone else. They need to start that family unit with a good rapport with the kids and stepfather. Including them in the wedding is a good step forward.

The Dad is thinking of his own selfish needs...

The children have every right to be in their mothers wedding party as long as that is what THEY want. What mom or dad may want should not matter, all that matters is whether or not the kids want to be in the wedding party or just guests.

It's sad that the father doesn't want them to participate, but that said, I think it depends on 'in what capacity'....

.... I went to a wedding where the children were included, but in an utterly horrible way. They were invited on the stage for a sort of family ceremony where they were admonished by the pastor to promise to honor and be obedient to their new stepmom (our friend). It was fairly upsetting for the kids (they were crying and felt embarrassed) to say the least. So, if I were the father, I'd agree to participating as long as the ceremony was not going to involve the kids making a commitment, as they didn't choose the new parent they were getting.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense.... it just left many of us guests horrified, so I can understand the reasons a parent might be apprehensive.

ETA: per your SWH, I would say that their participation would be a lovely thing. I hope the father can find a way to feel better about the changes in their lives. Was there an affair between the mom and the to-be husband while they were married? I could understand some bitterness in that regard, but even then, hopefully, Dad could come to see that being agreeable to this is still the best route.

I can't imagine the kids NOT being part of the ceremony.
Probably a case of dad feeling he's being replaced in the family unit and feels that the kids participation illustrates that.
Is dad invited to the wedding?

Dad has no say in this one. It doesn't matter what he "minds" or "doesn't mind." The children should be allowed not only to attend but to be in the wedding AND to also be part of the vows after the spousal vows are taken. Dad has no power of control in allowing or disallowing something like this.

That sort of rule is a punishment for the former spouse that is now getting married. It has nothing to do with the children at all. Give in to that sort of shite now? Slippery slope.

Hate to say it, but it looks like the battles begin. Personally, I do not see why they cannot participate. However you and ex need to settle this yourselves. I hope I am wrong but now that he is back in The picture, things may be very different. Please work together for the kids.

Wow, Nervy - what an odd wedding. I've never heard of such a thing. Shame on everyone involved for doing that to these kids! Of course, people like this have no shame, do they...

I agree with AKmom that this should be up to the children. It's not the father's place to issue an "edict". And I also agree with what Tracy M says...

Well, not knowing the family, or how old the children are, I think it's silly not to let them be a part of their mom's wedding.

I can see Dad's side, but I don't agree with him. The kids should absolutely be allowed to be part of their mom's wedding. It is extremely common for children to be in the wedding when one parent remarries.

Dad is jealous that she is remarrying and is being spiteful. He should not have any say whatsoever in the wedding ceremony.

I agree with Tracy also. However, Dad's wishes may have something to do with something another commenter mentioned: the vows that step parents sometimes include in ceremonies that involve minor kids.

Maybe if the capacity to which they were involved (including if any vows are being made to the kid or by the kids) were fully discussed, then Dad might be more willing to see it is part of a healthy thing for the kiddos.

But honestly, having a step parent vow to "always be there" for the kids during the marriage to their parent, as well intentioned as it always is, is a back handed slap at the "absentee" parent, no matter how you dress it up. No matter who's "fault" the divorce is. No matter why they divorced. Dad was gone, and now "new" step dad is vowing to "always be there"... yeah.. I'm sure DAD wants that to be said to his kids. NOT.

I see both sides. And full disclosure and discussion and EVERYONE's feelings being considered needs to go into this. If there can be no amicable compromise reached, then the kids can have something special before or immediately after (in private) without being part of the formal ceremony.

i think it's kinda sad that the dad is making a stink about this. of course the mom wants the kids in the ceremony.
i think he should be gracious.
khairete
S.

Is there a reason he does not want them to be part of the ceremony?

In my opinion the kids would be so hurt to not be included (as the flower girl/ring bearer). If the father looks at it from their point of view, he might change is mind. Unless the children do not agree with the marriage and feel forced to support their mom and the dad is trying to help the kids with this decision.

I'm on the side of the kids. Do the kids - without being cajoled into it or guilted out of it - want to participate? If so, then they should. If not, then they should not.

This is a kid-decision, not a parent decision.

Mom's side because dad is thinking of himself and not the kids. If the kids didn't want to be in the ceremony then I would be on dad's side.

I know when I got remarried my kids would have been deeply hurt if they were not part of the ceremony. They love my husband, they are happy we are married.

IMO, if it's her time and her event, it's her call. If he gets married at some point, he can make that call for his event. It sounds to me that it is less about the kids and more about not wanting her to remarry. It is entirely appropriate for young children to be flower girls and ring bearers. My DH's ex had no say in my wedding. There will be many such things he will not be able to control. He needs to get past it. His ex has moved on.

She also needs to define joint physical custody and joint legal custody. My DH's ex had joint legal and EOWE, summers and school breaks. If he's going to cause problems for her wedding, she needs to be informed about her legal rights for their children, and herself.

Is this YOUR situation?

I don't feel I have enough information to "pick a side".

If so - you need to work it out with your ex-husband. Communicate and ask what the problem is with them being part of the ceremony....does he understand the role they are going to play in the ceremony?

Does the biological dad feel he is being replaced by this new guy - is that why he doesn't want them to participate????

The kids need to be taken into account. How old are they? Do they want to participate?

If I had more information, I guess I would be able to better answer.

If she has a good, cordial relationship with her ex I think she should respect his wishes. Why rub salt on the wound? Sure, it's her life and she can do what she wants now that they are divorced but a flower girl and a ring bearer? Those are silly, dress up roles anyway, they don't mean anything.
I'm sure others will disagree but that's my opinion.

It is up to the children to decide if they want to be a part of it.

Then the parents need to honor this.

When my father remarried (the first time). They wanted me and my sister to be in the wedding, we declined. Had nothing to do with our mother. So then they asked us to attend, again we declined, we just did not want o be there.

Of course they blamed it all on my mother.. I guess you can guess why we did not want to attend.

And so I feel like, IF the children (without parents pushing one way or the other,) will allow the children to decide.

Everyone should honor their decision.

Without knowing all the details, I don't see the problem with it. If they're just members but not part of the vows and such I don't see the problem. Dad doesn't give a reason so it's hard to back him with no clear reason what the problem is. It sounds like he may be jealous that if the children are part of the ceremony that the new stepdad will take dad's place. Maybe he should be made to understand that this is not the case. I'm married to a retired Marine, brother is a retired Marine, son is a former Marine. I totally understand the fact that Dad has been gone a lot from the kids. Maybe Dad should talk to the children and be part of it all for them so he can see it's something special but not the end of the world for Dad, or the kids for that matter. I think everyone needs to sit down and talk and make sure Dad doesn't feel like he's being left out or pushed aside by the new marriage.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

I kind of agree with Mamazita except what happens when real dad gets remarried years from now and puts the kids in his wedding? Hell will break out from mama.

Mom is right. Dad has no say in this. The kids live full time with mom and she should not give up her custody to joint custody.

Every single decision she wants to make will have to go through dad. Such as child care, if he says he doesn't like this person or that facility mom can't put the kids there. If dad doesn't like the doc mom has to find another doc. If dad says no medication mom can't give it. Mom and new dad want to take kids to Disneyland and dad says no then they can't go.

Joint custody is miserable for the kids. Not good. Kids need to have 1 home. Not be shuffled back and forth and back and forth. They should be able to spend time with mom and dad when they're available but the kids should have 1 home.

Mom will also not get child support or any financial support from the dad. I think joint custody is miserable. I suggest they rethink this.

Dad saying this is testing the waters. He's showing them what it's going to be like the rest of their lives. He's going to be bossing them around forever.

Mom and honestly the dad should not have a say unless it effects his time. It's not his day and should back off...BUT this is all assuming the kids even want to be involved. If they don't then the mom should accept that

My son was my husbands best man and my daughter a flower girl. I have a huge family and didn't want to deal with the stress as I was prego with my third when I remarried. They were also in his next wedding. Gosh I'm so happy my second husband wore a suit to our wedding!