Want More Children but My Husband Has Had a Vasectomy??

You sound exactly like me! It took a few years but I finally got to a place where I can see my sons becoming wonderful young men and can look forward to the time I will have with my husband again. I still sometimes wonder "what if" but thinking about having a 3 or 4 year old right now when my other children are so much older makes me glad I decided to hold out.

sounds like your husband's reasoning for getting a vasectomy were sound and logical, and your reasons for wanting another baby are purely emotional, as well as being dangerous from a health standpoint.
and that you've worn him down.
i'm sorry, i know that sounds harsh. but i think basing eeky health decisions for BOTH of you on the urge to hold a baby is questionable at best. babymania often takes YEARS to move on. it's just not sensible or feasible to keep indulging in it past the point of health and economic viability.
khairete
S.

You clearly stated that your husband said he is "done".

He is not on board with this. That is ok... he can be "done" because of the toll of what you went through with 2 children, the financial toll of keeping a stable home, providing for his family, college and retirement, and many other concerns.

You say he is so "amazing" to consider the reversal. IF he goes through with a surgery when he is "done" just to appease you.... then be ready for some major resentments down the road.

It takes 2 people who are on the same page when it comes to making babies or someone is going to feel trapped or tricked.

Best wishes sorting out your feelings.

Oh this is tough. It's a shame that the urges to have a second child (and what those might mean if they repeated themselves with the desire to have a 3rd child) were not addressed prior to the vasectomy. I worked in a vasectomy and tubal ligation clinic for some years, and the counselors always, always addressed this issue with the prospective patients and their spouses/partners. You have to assume that a sterilization procedure is irreversible. Yes, some people manage to have them reversed but the pain, scar tissue and expense don't always result in restored fertility.

I'm concerned that you and your husband aren't on the same page here. That's a much bigger issue and can create all kinds of stresses and resentments down the road.

Some people have their procedures reversed and have another child, and all is well. Some people never get done with these urges, though, and the idea of moving past the baby years is very painful. It happens with each passage - when the last one goes to kindergarten, when one goes to middle school or high school or college, when they move out, first date, driver's license, etc. I think you have to sort out the "end of fertility" feelings and the "no more baby cuddles" feelings and weigh them against health, financial, lifestyle (diapers! naps!) and normal "family evolution" thoughts and plans. The feelings are normal - the question is, do they go away if you have another baby, or two, or three, or will you have to go through them anyway?

Please, don't have him go through another surgery until you two sort everything out. It's okay to use a counselor too!

If he is willing to reverse the vasectomy just to please you and not because HE is 100 percent really, truly on board and craving a baby as much as you are -- please do not do it. Both partners must want the baby. It sound as if he is agreeing to this just to get along, not because he wants a baby. And is he willing and able to care for that baby, without feeling any resentment, if you are laid low after the birth by health problems?

Can you sit down and be really tough with yourself and ask: Am I just craving the baby stage, when they are totally dependent on me? When they are darling, soft, precious little bundles who are so sweet and never talk back, never complain, are just totally in need of me? Am I possibly feeling a bit of grief over the end of those days now that I have kids who are past that dependent infant phase--kids who do indeed talk back at times, who don't need me every moment, kids who are very gradually moving away from me?

Please don't mistake normal grief for losing that baby stage as a need for a new baby. If you follow that path, you'd end up with infant after infant. I've seen families where, once the older kid was starting preschool, the mom started to want a new infant to cuddle and carry, and the results were strained marriages where mom was exhausted and dad was resentful that the family couldn't move on to enjoy the school years, while the older kids were resentful that their activities were always curtailed by "the baby can't do it so you can't go either" and so on.

Explore spending more time with your kids and volunteering at their schools and activities. It is wonderful to be very active in your child's school, preschool, Girl or Boy Scout troop, sport, dance, whatever. That is part of the reward of having a child who is getting older, but it does not happen if you have a new infant.

You have two healthy kids and you came through it healthy yourself -- you are risking your health if you have another child, as you admit. If another pregnancy harms you, you are shortchanging the two children you DO have, leaving them with a mom who may not be fully able to engage with them, help them, be there for them.

Please see if you can sit down and get past your gut emotions that want a sweet infant, and think about what would be best in the long run for the children you already have, and for your marriage.

I wish I could mail my teenagers to you, along with my monthly food expenses, ridiculous car insurance and college tuition bills. That would cure your baby blues!
If ONLY they stayed babies forever, right?

Both of you have to be on board, if he isn't the answer has to be no. I think you need to count your blessings and move on. I suffered from infertility for 6 years . I surprisingly had my daughter at the age of 44 (the pregnancy was a surprise). Through that process, I realized what a gift each child is and if I were younger I would have had more...but I am so happy with one...my life is very full. I never go back to what if etc...

I will also say, that pregnancy is harder on older bodies, I don't know your age, but you really should consider your physical condition (prolapse).
Another pregnancy could leave you with many problems that you would have to deal with the rest of your life.

Have you ever had your hormones checked?

Is it possible that you are craving the progesterone surge that comes with pregnancy? Perhaps you are very estrogen dominant?

Just a thought . . .

If your husband has agreed to risk you getting pregnant with another baby, one that he really doesn't want, you two are in for a world of trouble, On some level, he is going to resnt the child, and you, even if he never says so. Stop. Be content with the children you have.

I think that your marriage is more important than your desire to have more children.

How about foster care, adoption or volunteering in the NICU unit at a local hospital? This would surely get you over the hump of the baby blues.

There comes a time in each woman's life that she has to let go of the desire to create a life and enjoy the life she has. Always wanting more babies shortchanges the lives of the family unit. You change your standard of living to accommodate more children until there is no set family standard in your home. Then comes exhaustion, resent and possible divorce.

Time to move on and enjoy the future as it comes.

the other S.

PS I wanted another baby and hubby said no. After I got out of the mode for children he wanted one but it was a bit too late like 7 year difference. We were about to move back to the states and adding that extra person was not a good fit for many reasons.

Best move? Give it time. Your marriage over the long-term is something to consider; having a baby is something you desire right now, certainly, so it's also good to consider how strong a need your husband feels to be 'Done'. It's a very real financial burden on any family and frankly.

What drives your desire for another child? Is it the baby stage or the feeling that the 'family' is unfinished? If you were my sister or girlfriend, I would tell you this: put the babymaking on hold for a bit and go talk to a couples counselor about this. He's really doing an amazing thing to be willing to meet you halfway on this-- so many guys would never agree to a vasectomy reversal. Given that he is so willing to want to help you, I think you owe it to the both of you to go and explore what this means for him and then what it would look like for the family as a whole. I just say this in the hopes that you will use it as an opportunity to strengthen your marriage. There are know so many situations where one partner is willing to acquiesce to the desires of the other without thoroughly exploring their own concerns and then becomes resentful about it later. So keep talking for now and hopefully you will come to a place together where you make the right decision that feels good for both of you. :)

You are assuming that after you have another baby the urge will not come back. What if you have a 3rd child and still have the baby urge? What if you still do after the 4th? Or 5th?

Since VRs are not guaranteed (and expensive...think $5k minimum and more for someone with a lot of experience + travel and recovery), you should go to your OB. You should ask him or her some honest questions about your health. I have a friend who had such a bad time through 3 pregnancies (one baby was very premature and did not live) that she and her OB decided that it was best for her to stop at her two healthy boys. Three trips to the NICU is enough. So if you had a really rough time, find out what might impact YOUR health. You have two healthy children who need a mom. I totally get wanting to have another baby. My DH had a VR for DD but doesn't want more kids now. And that's hard. But if your health is at risk here, you need to know. I think talking it over with your health professional should be your first step.

Further, is it wanting a child or wanting a pregnancy? If you want to expand your family without the health risks, would you and DH be open to adoption?

Work with a counselor. If you work through some of your feelings I would guess the decision would become crystal clear.

Be happy with what you have. Good luck.

Pregnancy isn't harder on older bodies! My third and last pregnancy was my easiest, and I was almost 41!

Listen to your heart, it tells the truth.