Wanting a 4Th Child

Get a dog. Seriously, though, your whole happiness should not depend on having another baby. Be grateful and enjoy the family you have. Also, volunteer at church or somewhere to help take care of the babies. Use that passion you have for babies to help others. You'll be fine.

1 mom found this helpful

Here's a dose of hope for you...
My dad had a vasectomy after I was born. When I was 7, my sister was 11, and my brother was 14, my mom had another baby! He was a BIG surprise and a BIG joy.
Those surgeries don't always "work" you know...Maybe your time will come. *grin*

1 mom found this helpful

I am not sure that I can help, but your feelings are normal. I too am wanting a fourth (and my oldest is 4). I think children are such blessings, both to us and eachother. My husband is fortunately on board with the idea, but only because I have been prepping him for 15 years. Most men just don't have the same inner emotions when it comes to young children. They just aren't wired the same way. I think they also tend to think more about the practical side of it (financial, retirement) where the emotional side of women just figures that things will work themselves out. I did concider adoption for the 4th, but my husban thought I was crazy. Perhaps you could discuss signing up to be foster parents for infant/toddler age. Good luck. I always feel bad for couples who don't agree on the number of children. I know of many, and I think in every instance it is the husband who doesn't want anymore. I hope things are able to resolve themselves so you can be at peace with it.

Since your husband would have to go through surgery, I think you should look at other options. There are lots of kids that need a loving family through foster care or adoption. Perhaps this is an option you could look at. I have three active kids and having a fourth would just add a little craziness, but if you can afford it financially and emotionally maybe you could help a child that really needs you.

I read that you miss the pregnancy part, but have you thought of adopting a wonderful bundle of joy that needs your guidance and love? Adoption is a compromise that allows your husband a "get out of surgery" card but allows your family to grow.

Just a thought.

T.,

I am only 23 with one child and my husband and I plan on having 5-6 kids, so I do not know your feeling yet.

The other day I was talking to my mother in law (we are very close) and her mom one day and this topic came up.
Both of them only had two children and only ever wanted two children but then that burning feeling of wanting another baby came. The funny thing is my husbands grandma said that she still wishes that some weird way she could have another baby. She said like Sara in the Bible (she had a baby when she was almost 100yrs old) and my mother in law explained that the feeling of wanting another one never ends, it's a God given feeling that all mothers have, even though you just know when it's time to be done you still have this lingering feeling of wanting to be pregnant, nurse and nurture a little baby again.

So I do not know if say after you have a 4th the feeling would totally go away, even though you would know that by then you are for sure done.

Who knows, the Lord will work it out. He will work in your husband's heart if he wants you to have another baby, maybe this is His way of having you guys think of adoption.

(I have 1 sister an 2 brothers that are adopted, it's a pretty neat experience!!)

You'll think I am crazy, but we wanted EIGHT children. Because of health issues, we had to stop at six. That was 30 years ago. I felt cheated for a long time. My advice to you is to cherish every minute you have with your three children. Believe me, they grow so fast and, before you know it, they are gone, with lives and families and children of their own. Don't waste even a minute with those miracles you have been given. Enjoy the new things they do every day, and relish with them their successes -- whatever they are. If you do that, you will not miss that fourth child, anymore than I miss my 7th and 8th! Trust me -- you will have another chance -- I now have 13 grandchildren, and I love every minute I spend with them!!

Your story mirrors mine in almost every way! I have a son 13, a daughter 10 and another daughter 6. I desperately long for another child, too. And, of course, my husband had a vasectomy so I wouldn't "talk him into" another. If you would like to talk further email me at ____@____.com
T.

I to have 3 children ages 3,4,5 and I went through this same subject with my husband a while back. I really wanted a 4th child and he strongly did not. We finally decided that it is 100% best for the family (and our marriage)if both parents are 100% on board with the idea of a 4th child. At the point we were discussing it were (and still are) very busy working full time jobs and keeping up with the kids activities. If you have to put this much energy into "convincing" your husband than I say 3 happy with the 3 amazing children you have. It is hard enough intodays world to keep a family togehter and happy - there is no need to put undue stress on a family or marriage when you already have a great family.

I also had that burning desire. I did foster care for 12 years. When the system wore me out, I quit. I had that burning desire for almost a year. It does lesson with time. I am now so grateful that I don't have any more. I had almost 100 foster children come through my home. You get addicted after 12 years. I was always waiting for the phone to ring. Life is now very good. My youngest is 10. I love my freedom. I didn't know what to do in the beginning, but once you set your mind to "this is it". The burning desire lessens. I now fill my time with volunteering for the schools and my church. Maybe doing daycare in your home would help fill your void for now.
Good luck.
C.

I don't have time to read all the responses you have received since unfortunately I am NOT a SAHM. I work long hours many on the road - but I had to say be grateful for what you have. I am soon to be 48. My husband and I spent the better part of 8 years trying to have a baby... all the expensive infertility stuff and then gave up. A couple years later -after we stopped treatment we had our "miracle" from God. She is now 8 years old. We have never gone on birth control and have prayed and tried ever since we had her.. just for ONE MORE. I know that feeling you have I live with it every day and I get very angry some time because I am cheated at the ability to have another. For me it is the fear that something will happen to the ONLY gift I have and I will have nothing left. It makes me upset to see so many welfare families with 5,8, 10 kids and many keep having them just to get assistance. Why won't God give kids to those of us who would love them and care for them the way he intended?

For those that have been suggesting adoption to T. - yes it is a wonderful thing - my husband will not adopt - but for T. - as someone mentioned - take that energy you have for wanting other children - and turn it in to a way to help others. Some one mentioned helping at a hospital or other place with children... even more needed is a QUALITY, SAFE environment for many of us working mom's to take our children while we HAVE to work. A day care where we KNOW our chilren will be loved and cared for .... not just be a $ figure. Think about that - then you can still get a good night sleep, have time to experience life with your other 3 and impact many more then the just "a 4th" child. Good luck in your pursuit. But remember - we ALL have urges it doesn't mean go have a baby. I means appreciate the maternal instinct you have - and use them.

I think it is very natural in every woman's life to have that pull to bear another child. After all, it's how God made us. We were created to bear children for man. Your daughter is 6, she is completely out of the baby/toddler stages and is now a KID. I think when children get to that age it's inevitable that many women feel this way. If after a while it's something you still can't get past then consider adoption. It sounds like your husband is firm in his feelings of no more surguries and that has to be respected.

Adoption is a WONDERFUL thing. My family is a blended family. I have 1 bio brother and 4 adopted siblings. We took them on when I was 10 and they ranged from 18months - 10yrs old. We're as tight, if not tighter, than many families out there. I think mainly because we know the blessings that have come to our family.

Also... I have 2 wonderful children, a 4yr old girl and a 16 month old boy. I should not have any more children due to medical reasons, everyone in my life-including my OB-discourages me from attempting another, but I want more. I believe God put me here to mother children. SOOOO in a few years my husband and I will sign up for a foster-to-adopt program where you become foster parents through the state and take in children (of whatever ages you choose) that are close to termination of parental rights. We will hopefully be taking in either a sibling group with 2 kids or a child around the age of 2-3. I know, just from my upbringing, what a joy this will be to be able to take a child that God intended to be mind and welcome them into my heart, my life, and my home.

God Bless and Good Luck!!!!

Wow, there must be something in the air! I have been itching to have another baby lately too. I have been having dreams that I am pregnant and I have been feeling the urge. My obstacle is the husband as well. Though mine hasn't had a vacsectomy, he isn't interested in another one. So I don't bring it up.

I am 26 and I have two kids 5 and 3 and I feel the same as you about not feeling I was able to really enjoy my babies. Plus, with older kids to help out, it should be much less work.

Then again... It is nice not to have to haul a carseat and a diaper bag everywhere. It is nice not to have to have a wet shirt from drool on the shoulder and leaky boobs. It is nice not to have to buy diapers and baby food. And sleep is also wonderful.

I know the feelings might pass but a friend of mine who has four kids (that she had in 5 years) told me that you never hear from people regretting having too many children. Just those wishing they would have had just one more. You guys have to decide what's right for you.

Good luck and maybe just pray about it and maybe your husband will come around. But if I were you I wouldn't push the subject.

Dear T. L.,

Can't you babysit for friends/family with tiny and young babies? I helped in the church nursery to get my fix of loving on little ones. Or perhaps you could do home daycare and specialize in young infants. Asking your husband to go against what he feels can cause a divorce. Ask God for ideas; He has the smartest and most unique mind in our universe and has better ideas than I do.
What about putting up free ads for babysitting of very young babies? Earn a little money and have fun, too. If you were licensed you could earn a whole lot of money and most areas have a shortage of licensed daycare.

L. C.

I don't think you're crazy because I have four kids who are very involved with activities and often think I'd like to have another child even though my husband had a vasectomy two years ago. I have no idea what will happen with us, or what should happen with you, but I just wanted to wish you luck on whatever happens!

I don't have any advice, but I feel the same way. I hemorrhaged and went septic after my second child was born, and was told not to have any more children because of the risks. My husband goes for his vasectomy in June. Even though life is crazy with these kids, I still am mourning the children I'll never have. It's very depressing! We have talked some about adoption when the kids are older. I think once they are in school it's going to be very difficult for me not to be abl to have another baby. I'd say just talk as much as you can with your husband about it, maybe consider adoption? My husband was very callous about it when I tried to talk about it at first, saying "Oh well, we don't want you to DIE..." Finally, I got him to see beyond his own fear that I was suffering. Also, maybe you will find another interest or role other than "mama" to take up your time eventually. I'm hoping this will help me in the future. Good luck! Don't be afraid to seek professional help either, it might do a world of good.

The reverse surgery is very expensive. Would you consider adoption?

Have you thought about the Adoption option? K. (adoptive mom)

Hi since I just had my 3rd 3 months ago and am already talking about our 4th I can completely understand the want. I just want to bring up a few points that I am sure you have thought of but I feel the need to anyway... First you mentioned that you have healthy children, now I'm not saying that it is not possible but the older you get the higher chances you have of having a baby with a birth defect. Also after the age of 35 all women are put in the "high risk" catagory so if you are able to convince your husband I would definately talk to your doc first and see what they tell you will be diferent now that you are older. And lastly, please if you have more love to give and you can't conceive please please consider adoption. There are so many children out there that need a home, especially the older ones.

God Bless and Good Luck

Oh and my husband wants me to mention that the main concern for a lot of men is, can he provide, so he asked me to have you ask your husband if there is more than just the surgery holding him back.

I think it is very normal to feel that way no matter how many children you have. It is just the permanence of it. I have a good friend that has 10 children and was depressed for a year when her husband said no more! So I am not sure it is the number but the ..."finished" .... idea. It is such a joy to be a mother and we naturally don't want to give up having babies once we have experience the joy of them. Every stage of their childhood holds new and exciting things for us to explore together. Don't lose sight of the joy of today with the disappointment of what might have been.

T., I truly understand where you're coming from. I am 41 with two children. My daughter is 19 and in her first year of college and my son is 13. I CRAVE having another baby. I actually cry when I watch shows with babies. I had my tubes tied after my son was born. My husband does not want anymore children because of our age. Luckily for me, my brother and his wife had a baby recently so I steal him any time I can. It definately helps with a "baby fix". If your not able to have another child, see if you can babysit for someone that you're close to that has a baby. It is the next best thing. Plus you get to sleep thru the night. Not a bad trade off. Sincerely, R. R.

If your husband is against this idea, then you have no choice but to accept the fact that your baby years are over. Be thankful for the ones you have. You would not want this to come between you and your husband--this would be bad for the whole family:(

I was a bit in your situation a few years ago and I adopted a puppy! They are alot like babies and so cute to cuddle. We recently adopted our second last month--think about it!

GL:)

As a 36 year old mother of 4 boys ages 5, 7, 9, 11, I know crazy! I felt something was missing, too, when I had only 3 children. The first 3 boys were all so different, but the 4th was like all 3 and is the glue that binds all the boys together. It is really neat! The vasectomy - if you have the money, they can do artificial insemination instead of reversing the surgery - might even be cheaper. If you can afford the added expense of a 4th child, it is worth it! By the way, it is the element that broke my marriage, which ended this year in divorce. Good luck!

I loved being pregnant, childbirth, nursing, homeschooling - the whole nine yards. But what I learned from a mom who had seven kids (I have 3) is that at some point there has to be a last child. I have learned through 29 years of marriage to a great guy, when I push and push and eventually get my own way, it often doesn't go as I planned because he has voiced his feelings about it and I ran him over like a truck. I would pay close attention to your husbands wishes and listen with a loving ear.
We too did foster care for infants for 3 years which was nice. And now we get to enjoy a grand child.
Eventually the season of childbearing and little ones at your feet comes to an end and God brings forth a new season.

I do understand how you feel. Except for us it's the opposite. My second child was born via c-section and my husband, the Drs and myself all agreed that tying my tubes was the best thing b/c pregnancy and delivery was extremely hard on my body. I do not regret the decision I made. However, now that our son is almost 2 1/2, my husband keeps "jokingly" telling me that we should have another. I have only ever wanted two children and as much as I love babies, I don't anymore of my own. I can spoil my friends babies and then give them back to their parents. I told my husband that it would have to take an act of God for me to get pg again b/c my tubes are staying tied. Needless to say I can understand where your husband is coming from. The two of you made a life altering decision, knowing that you wouldn't be able to have more children. As much as you may want to have a baby, you also need to respect his feelings as well. I wouldn't want to have to go through surgery to reconnect my tubes and then another pg/delivery. If your feelings are as strong as you say, pray about them wholeheartedly that God will show you the path that you are supposed to take.

Have you thought about adoption at all? That way your husband wouldnt have to have a reversal.
I hope you find a resolution soon:-)

T.,

In some ways, I can understand. I have no biological children of my own. When I met my husband, he already had two children from his previous marriage and had a vasectomy while still with his first wife. I am now 40 and am sad that I have not been able to have a child of my own. We cannot afford a reversal and likely not an adoption, either. I don't know if I would be able to foster any children, as we have limited space.

My husband would really just as soon not go through another surgery either, though I believe he would have if we'd had the money. I have read several of the other replies and I would have to agree with many of them. If you push your husband too much, it may end badly.

My aunt always wanted more children and has been thrilled with her grandchildren (hopefully several years away for you). Look into day care, baby-sitting, etc. and see if that helps!

Good luck!
N.

Hi T.,
I like you loved having my babies and I totally loved the pregnancy experience. I have 5 birth children and now that I am older and my birth children are all adults was told by everyone that I would love not having to deal with children. NOT!!!! I missed having my little ones being little. I have been married 10 years to a really great man who has adult children as well. We both wanted to experience having "our" child. Of course everyone told us we were crazy because our kids would resent having older parents. Well we went right ahead and adopted two beautiful children who are our children in every way. While I can empathize with your feelings having been there I can also empathize with your husband. Since you stay at home with the kids he is out there earning what supports the family financially. Maybe his not wanting to redo the surgery and have another child is his way of saying he is ready to move on to the next chapter of his life. I know having kids can be a pricey process. And if you really want to give them all they need to make a good life for themselves (college and all) it takes a lot of cash.
That being said there are other ways to get your "baby fix". Volunteer at a local daycare, at your church nursery, find a babysitting job (for the babyfix if you can take your own or do the daycare in your own home), maybe you know someone needing a time out once in awhile that you can share time with. Another way is to do foster care for infants/toddlers. Not only do the little ones who need some TLC get it you also can make an impact on their lives. The financial pay is minimal (living expenses)but the returned love is great. We have even had a few couples at church who had an opportunity to adopt the children placed with them. She is waiting for a newborn to arrive any day now. I realize it does nothing for the desire to get pregnant and carry that little one, believe me even if you have another one that desire may not go away. My youngest adopted child is only 14 months old and every time I see a newborn baby those stirrings start right back up again. I think there are some of us that find that stirring never goes away. SO we need to get creative in finding things that make it a little less strong. Take care...

I went through the same thing after my third. We ended up having our fourth (she's now seven months old). I'm writing to let you know, that I now have "that feeling" all over again. So I'm not sure if it ever goes away. My husband would freak out if I told him that I still want more. It's just something that I don't think a man could possibly ever understand. I truly believe it is a God given feeling that we as women just cannot ignore. But eventually, we have to be done bearing children. I'm also a 37 year old SAHM. I guess for the sake of my marriage and my family, I need to convince myself that the time has come to call it quits. It's been a great run. Like you, all my children are healthy and happy. Maybe we should just try to be appreciative for our current blessings and let destiny take it's course. If it's meant to be for you to have another, then God will make it happen. Either way, may you lead a happy life!
J.