21 answers

Desire for Another Baby, Will It Ever Go Away?

I have a wonderful husband and 3 beautiful children, ages 8, 6 and 3. I have been married for 10 years. I am so blessed and happy with my life, but I have an overwhelming feeling about wanting another child. I try not to think about it or worry about it, but the feeling won't go away. At this point in life, my husband doesn't want to have any more kids, but I want to have one more. I want to respect my husband and make him happy, but I am worried that if I move on and not have another baby, I will always wish that I would have. I have a cousin and neighbors who regret not having more kids and I don't want to live life in regret. Has anyone else had these feelings and how did you learn to deal with them?? Did they ever go away??

I need so help!

Thanks in advance :-)

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Is the desire to have another because you want to hold, carry, feed, change one? Or is it that you just LOVE buying all of the cute baby stuff? There is a difference.

There are several options that would help keep you and hubby both satisfied.
1. Foster parents. Becoming a foster parent is an amazing and challenging experience. There are no maternity clothes, baby weight, etc. and you help provide a loving family to a child who needs you. Also, the state pays a monthly stipend for clothing and support.

2. Join a 'baby' support group. I get my 'fix' by belonging baby support groups. Operation Homefront (operationhomefront.net) provides local baby showers for military families. Soldiers' Angels - Operation Top Knot provides virtual baby showers for the expecting wives of deployed service members. www.soldiersangels.org/top-knot.html
I am the most active with Soldiers' Angels. Sometimes it drives hubby nuts, but he's understanding because all donations and costs are tax deductible!!

3 moms found this helpful

I am in a similar boat to you...28 years old, happily married, mom of 3 (7, 4 and soon to be 2!) I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mommy. I cry my eyes out watching baby shows, especially one born every minute. I always feel the ache inside for another baby...BUT

realistically, I know we couldn't handle another baby and I had permanent birth control done :( I too wonder if I'll ever stop feeling it.

3 moms found this helpful

More Answers

I just responded to a similar question earlier today. My thoughts apply as well to your query:

As an older woman, with most of my friends in their 50's or older, I can tell you a bit of their (our) experiences. I've known women who, before fertility treatments were available, made peace with having no children, and have lived happy, rewarding lives. I have known mothers and fathers who, in spite of genuinely loving all their children, still regretted intensely the particular challenges one or more brought into their families. I've known families whose fortunes changed unexpectedly, creating very difficult hardships for parents and children alike. I've known parents who have lost children to birth defects or accidents, or who lost a spouse to death or divorce and suddenly had a whole new dynamic to adjust to. There is really no guarantee that any course we choose, or that chooses us, will be satisfying in the ways we hope.

And of course, that craving you are feeling is built into women. Even some who have chosen never to give birth can be at least temporarily caught in those deep longings, those "what if's?" Mother Nature has designed us to want babies in spite of all the risks and difficulties, and most of us do, at least some of the time. I've known women who have had baby after baby, always finding themselves longing for just one more. I have even found myself wishing for another grandbaby on occasion, now that my grandson is 6 (it's not gonna happen, and I am happy with that, too).

But physical or emotional craving is a common part of life for all humans. Consider all the other things in life that we must necessarily deny ourselves – food when we need to lose weight; sleep when we are ill or nursing an infant; time off work when when we're broke; the list is long. Making peace with all these often contradictory longings is simply a part of life. And the good news is that, among all the older women I have known, all of us have made peace with periodic baby cravings and found joy in however many children we have had. This includes a wonderful woman who would have made a great mom, who tried for decades to conceive, and who has become an honorary aunt to a couple of generations of other people's children.

So I hope you come to a doable and happy conclusion for you. If it turns out that another pregnancy isn't wise, or isn't possible, I hope you'll work toward accepting reality, which will be your happiest choice no matter how many children you have.

One other concern that I hope you'll weigh along with the others is whether Earth can continue to support the 7-billion-and-growing-fast population. (This was my main reason for stopping with only one child in the 1970's, when the population was much smaller.) There are already signs of social and environmental stress that fewer and fewer thoughtful adults are able to pretend has nothing to do with population growth. And it seems to me that every child we bring into the world who is raised with the expectation of having three or more of their own children adds to the pressures exponentially.

So I have a plea for women who are in the "maybe" camp – consider that those adorable babies may be fighting to preserve what's left of their environment by the time they grow up. Or competing for the dwindling resources that are left. There are already heavy burdens of pollution and depletion of the planet we all must call home. It's something to consider carefully, for the good of all living beings, including the kids we've already birthed.

6 moms found this helpful

A soul is looking to come to you. When I was 35 years of age I called that soul and told it I could not have it. "Come to me as a grandchild". I still longed.
One day when my daughter was in her 20's she told me she was pregnant. Her son is the child of my dreams and longing. He's a wonderful person. His Mission here on earth is secure. He was born with a Gordian Knot in his cord.
Tell the soul that is looking for you why you can't bring her/him to earth and ask them to come as your grandchild. Then you can be together.

5 moms found this helpful

Is the desire to have another because you want to hold, carry, feed, change one? Or is it that you just LOVE buying all of the cute baby stuff? There is a difference.

There are several options that would help keep you and hubby both satisfied.
1. Foster parents. Becoming a foster parent is an amazing and challenging experience. There are no maternity clothes, baby weight, etc. and you help provide a loving family to a child who needs you. Also, the state pays a monthly stipend for clothing and support.

2. Join a 'baby' support group. I get my 'fix' by belonging baby support groups. Operation Homefront (operationhomefront.net) provides local baby showers for military families. Soldiers' Angels - Operation Top Knot provides virtual baby showers for the expecting wives of deployed service members. www.soldiersangels.org/top-knot.html
I am the most active with Soldiers' Angels. Sometimes it drives hubby nuts, but he's understanding because all donations and costs are tax deductible!!

3 moms found this helpful

I am in a similar boat to you...28 years old, happily married, mom of 3 (7, 4 and soon to be 2!) I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mommy. I cry my eyes out watching baby shows, especially one born every minute. I always feel the ache inside for another baby...BUT

realistically, I know we couldn't handle another baby and I had permanent birth control done :( I too wonder if I'll ever stop feeling it.

3 moms found this helpful

No, I don't think it ever goes away completely. My husband wanted to stop after two kids (even though we had previously agreed to 3-4). I had always wanted three kids, and felt incomplete. After a couple of years of talking to him, begging him, crying to him, etc...my dream came true. I now have my three beautiful kids and should feel fulfilled and complete, but I find myself wondering what a fourth would be like! In my mind, I know our family is complete. We do not have space in our house or car for another baby. We are at capacity in every way, but that twinge of longing is still there. My mother is 62 and told me that she regrets not having more and still longs for more even though she is a grandmother. I sure hope mine goes away by then!

2 moms found this helpful

There is a biological clock ticking in most women. I longed for a baby for years. Eventually, around 50 the longing went away. The longing became weaker from 40 on.

2 moms found this helpful

I have 3, ages 6, 5 and 3. My husband has a vasectomy scheduled for the end of January... we just had a big heart to heart over the holidays. We both would love to have one more... but, we are not going to. I'm 39 and we worry about the health of the baby and me (although I'm pretty sure it'd all turn out fine, it's something to think about). I worry about being exhausted and not being a good parent to my other children... I've been enjoying not changing diapers, having a full night of sleep. I worry that the youngest would miss out on babyhood, the oldest wouldn't get to do what his friends are (because of baby schedule). I worry about finances, although my husband thinks we'd be fine... babies and kids are expensive.... and I also worry about global warming, the economy, and adding another person to our world. SO much to think about...

But - still I long for another. I doubt it will go away... :(

BUT my SIL is due in April. I'll just plan on "stealing" her baby when I need a fix. I hope that her kids (she plans to have 2) and mine will be close cousins.

And - I'm trying to focus on what we can do now that we are past the baby phase... go out and leave them with a sitter (I never left my babies for the first year), go for a weekend away, take the kids places I couldn't when I had a baby - we are planning our first big car trip this spring (to Florida) and I am SUPER excited about that. Focus on the positive. You have three healthy babies, focus on that. That's what I"m trying to do.

J.

2 moms found this helpful

I had my first at 30 and my last at 38. My son turned one last week, so I now have a one year old, a four year old and an eight year old. I am 39 years old. It is with very little regret that I am getting rid of the baby items, swing, etc, as my son outgrows them. I always wanted three kids, and they are here and wonderful. I am DONE! I am enjoying the baby years, but I am also looking forward to traveling without bottles and diapers and being able to do things as a family, like skiing and rafting and lots of other things we can't right now because they are so small. I have and will always love babies. If the baby urge hits in a few years, I will get a puppy, but for now the urge is not here, and that is fine.

2 moms found this helpful

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