Help Dealing with Husband's Planned Vasectomy

I don't really have advice on the vasectomy issue, just on the resentment portion. Whatever the outcome is, don't let the resentment build, it is not good. My husband and I are going through a resentment issue with pregnancy too and now it's two issues to deal with instead of just one!
Good luck!

Sounds to me like your still dealing with some of those irritating hormones that go crazy during pregnancy, cause they can make you feel pretty emotional. I see both sides of your situation, I'm just gonna tell you a little bit of why I can understand both sides, my husband and I he's 36 and I am 32 not that that really matters but we have 3 boys 13 yrs, 9yrs and 21 months and I am pregnant with #4 due in about 2 1/2 weeks and when we found out about this one we decided this was it and a friend of ours talked my husband into getting a vasectomy cause it is easier on him than me to have my tubes tied. But we both agree to it cause I can't have anymore after I am 35 due to one kidney and this baby has just about kicked my but. Anyway we have talked about this for months and he is having it done this week. I think you need to sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel try not to get emotional which I know is hard cause this is an extrememly touchy subject for you and offer if you can to take some form of birth control for now while he gives you a year or so to come to terms with this and feel more comfortable with it. Just try to use the phrases I am having a problem with this because or you having this done is making me feel....that way your expressing your feelings and not making him seem like a bad guy. I hope this helps, I can tell you need more time to recover hormonally from having a baby and to think about this. Good Luck!!

Lots and lots of posts on this one, yet I don't really see many that say BOTH of you need to be ready to have another child and BOTH of you need to be in agreement for either of you to have birth control surgery. It sounds like your husband is so sure what he wants that he doesn't put as much weight into what you are feeling. On the other hand, do you really want to drag a man kicking and screaming through diapers, midnight feedings and another round of terrible twos? Does he have reason not to trust you ( or himself ) with other types of birth control?
My husband has firmly stated that he doesn't want us to have more children and I must say that as I keep getting older, I agree a little more with his reasoning. However, he totally supported me changing my mind at the last minute and deciding not to have a tubal ligation after my last pregnancy.
The way I feel now is totally different than how I felt as I faced the decision to forego the tubal. I simply don't have the energy for the demands of a newborn on top of all the rest of the kids. It doesn't really come down to whether I feel our family is complete or whether I think that we haven't the emotional energy to love another child - it has gotten to the point that it simply is impractical. We don't make enough income to support another child and we struggle somewhat to keep it all together day to day. There never seem to be enough hours in each day to do all we need done. I like to think of it as the point of critical mass. The addition of one more atom could cause a disaster! LOL
At one point in our marraige, we were separated and at the time I knew deeply in my heart that I wanted more children. For most of the 18 months we were apart, I really resented him for also taking away what I thought was my last chance to have more children. I figured at my age then, by the time I was ready to have another relationship I'd be too old to have another baby. Well a hopeless situation turned into a reconciliation and we did have more children. I say that to let you know that what you are feeling strongly now could be based on what you believe or think the future will bring and we never know what really is on the way.
TALK WITH your husband and I would say to him LISTEN to your wife and then you LISTEN to your husband while he TALKS WITH you. The best decisions in any marraige are those that represent you BOTH.
All the best to your lovely family,
M.

R., I totally understand how you are feeling and I wish this was an easier decision for you to come to terms with. Just remember that no matter what the outcome, you will find a way to be okay with it in your own way. There isn't really a compromise here, and it sounds like you and your husband both understand where the other is coming from, so that at least makes the communication a bit easier. Since it is his body, you may just have to let him do it. You have thought through all of your feelings, and you are rational. If you want to have another baby there would still be a way to do it, but only if you both want it. Normally I don't say to a woman "just compromise to make him happy" if it's not right for both of you, but in this case I think you may have to do that. I wish there was an answer for you that would make it easier for you. Good luck to you, it will work out the way it is supposed to.

Hi, my husband and I have had the same problem. We have a 3 year old and I am due in 4 weeks with our second child. He feels we are blessed to have a boy and a girl and should be done. I feel that I am not ready to say I am done forever and likle you, what if we need another baby for medical reasons (I always worry about the what if's). I completly undersatnd where you are coming from and feel this is a hard emotional decision. I have offered to my husband that I get Mirena at my 6 week check up which is a 5 year birth control and then when that is up if we do not want more children he can get a vasectomy, I guess I am just trying to buy time. Hopefully you can agree upon a happy medium but it is very hard. I do not think they understand the emotional part for women. Good Luck

R.,
When we made the decision for my husband to have a vasectomy our situation was different. I had a hard time carrying all 3 of the live births plus several miscarriages. Since it seemed like all he had to do was look at me and I would be pregnant it was a good thing for us. I do understand the feelings that you are experiencing but most guys say they will do it but when it comes down to doing it they are not so sure. Have you really sat down and talked about this? Sit down with no interruptions, no kids, phones, doorbells etc... and really talk about why he wants to and your not quite ready. Hopefully you can come to an understanding about how the other is feeling. As far as adoption I think that is a great option, there are so many older children who need a stable loving family. If you are a praying person pray yourself, with your husband and for your husband. God Bless and Good Luck!

There are no guarantees in life. One thought that came to me was that your husband might be afraid that if he has a child in his late 40's, he might not be around to see the child grow up or to help you parent that child. Then again, your husband may live to be 100, who knows? Being in my 40's myself, I can say that my energy and enthusiasm for parenting a baby isn't what it was when I was 35.

Also, I was generally symapathetic with you until you triviliazed adoption at the end.
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OK a couple more thoughts from the "out of it" girl (as another poster said about me). What I mean is, don't hold on to adoption as an option of last resort. It may be more difficult and time-consuming than you think to adopt. Some agencies have age limits on adoptive parents. Don't know if you've even thought it through as to whether you'd want a newborn, but it might take a long time (maybe even a couple of years) to find a birthmom who would place her child with "older" parents who already have two bio children. Just some things to think about from a mom who has adopted two children. It didn't sound like adoption was an option you were seriously considering, just something you could keep in mind to make it okay in your mind for your husband to do this. I think you need to get to the place where you are both okay with seeing your family as complete before you take a permanent step like this.

First of all, your reaction is totally normal. When our third child was born, I had told my husband he had until I turned 30 to have a child...it just seemed too hard after I became older, just a personal note. We did have our son after I turned 30 and we discussed my having a tubal ligation. Once the decision was made I still had doubts and even after the surgery, felt bad, thinking I should have left the option available. However, looking at finances and the fact that our children would have elderly parents if we continued, I realized the choice was the best for our children. We all know that what we do each day is not for us, but our children's well-being. Not to mention my family has a history of early death in their 50's....so take care of those beautiful boys, accept the fact that you have to go through the basic grieving and mourning of the chances to have another child, and kiss your husband for his decision to help y'all out as a family. Hope this helps and keep in mind, if he changes his mind in say, 3 years, there is always reversal available. I think you both need a break and time to enjoy the two angels you have right now.

Rachel,
I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom, but it seems like you know exactly what is going on. You have the choice to either resent your husband or have him resenting you. Not knowing your husband I can't say why he is so set - perhaps there is an underlying fear of you getting pregnant again. Is there some way to assure him you would not (not sure what your birth control methods have been). If not, you will somehow need to find acceptance, whether through prayer, speaking with someone, or just time.
I think we all go through different stages of wanting more children and then not wanting more and back again. I have three, am very happy, yet still have yearnings occassionally for more. This does pass after a couple weeks as I get lost in all the busy schedules we already have. Good luck.

R.:

Do it, you will be OK. You can't live your life because what you see in your field. I come from a family of Drs. (5 of them, even my father, urologist) All of them had it done.
Life is what the Lord planed for you, and nothing can change that. More likely you will have a healthy family, especially because you take good care of them since you are a nurse.
I have 2 children, and had my tubes tied on my 2nd c-section.
The Lord already gave you 2 children. Enjoy your family. It will be OK.

R.,

I really think you need to respect your husband's decision to have a vasectomy. I say this because he has very legitamit concerns with his age. No one wants to be raising children during their retirement years. I had my last child a year ago and he was born early and small. I had arranged a planned tubal ligation months in advanced. Both of my pregnancies were wonderful but my deliveries were awful. After an emergent C-section I told the Dr. I still wanted to proceed with the tubal and he looked over at my husband and said the baby was small and didn't know what was going to happen with the baby because he was early and that once he tied my tubes that was it. I looked at the doctor and told him I was the patient and that I wanted the tubal. I was not going to put my body through another traumatic birth nor was I going to put another baby through it. My husband looked at the doctor and respected my wishes even though we didn't know what was going to happen with our little one. He said, "if" something happens we will adopt. I tell you all of this because I had a very valid reason for wanting a tubal just like you husband has a very valid reason. I fell that you should respect his wishes especially if you both are sure you don't want anymore children. I agree with him. Now, I do see your point. You are 10 years younger and you want to wait for a year. But honestly what is a year going to do except make him resent you for making him wait. What happens if you two accidently conceive another baby in that year. He will then resent you for having a baby that he didn't want because you wouldn't let him have the vasectomy. I hope you two come to a solution that each of you can be happy with but I hope you consider his reasons and understand. Good luck!

I went through his about 2 years ago. Ours was because, I was so afraid to get pregnant again, that I did not want sex anymore. We have two children also - now ages 5 1/2 and 3 1/2. I really did not want him to have one, but he wanted to make sure that no more children got in the way of our relationship - my husband is very jealous of the children and the time they take away from us. Well, he had it done when my youngest was 18 months. I was upset at first, but like it now - no more worries! However, at age 2 my youngest began having health problems - serious ones. He has had liver biopsys etc done to figure out why his is not growing and thriving. It has been determined that he has either a metabolic syndrome (they may cause early death) or an endocrine disease. When my hubby and I had a heart to heart about our son and the possibality that he could die in his early teen years - we were very upset. I mentioned not being about to have children anymore and my hubbys response was "I would not have another child to replace Ray Ray - It is just not possible." I thought about it for a while and realized that I feel the same. We still do not know what my son has, but are seeking lots of medical help to get his right! However, I would not want another child to replace my son. Also, there is always adoption. Some vasectomy procedures can be (or try to be reversed) if the occassion arises. In our case, my hubby is active duty military, and they will do a reversal in a situation like ours. However, I know that the reversal does not always work.

It's called a leap of faith. Have faith that your children will grow up health and strong. Have faith that your husband knows what he's doing is right for the family.

Also, know that options exist for you if something terrible does happen. I've heard of organizations reversing procedures for free if a family is hit with tragedy.

Hi R., I think everyone's advice about talking with him and seeing if he'll be ok with YOU doing a semi-perm BC for awhile until you're emotionally ready for the vasectomy is a great idea. I'm due with our 2nd boy (1st is 22 months)in about 7 weeks. My husband and I have discussed and decided to do the V too. Only thing now is that deep inside I'm feeling a loss too. The same fear about maybe needing to get prego again for a problem w/one of our boys is in the back of my brain. We're both 32 and want to start enjoying our family and can't wait to not be tied down with an infant. I love my babies but I understand that little feeling inside that wants to hold on to the "maybe one more." The closer I am to not being prego anymore the more I'm feeling that we'll hold off on the V for awhile. On my end, I'm sure my hubby will be thrilled to not have to go in any sooner than necessary to get it done. I feel your pain girl.

And for the girl that said you "trivialized adoption" she's out of it! In NO way did you trivialize it. It just shows how open you are for more children...biological or not.

Good luck to you. I hope you find peace with this. I wonder if there is a support group for moms on this?? If not, there should be!!

Honestly I think your emotions are still a little eratic after just having a baby. I think that he is old enough to get the V and I think that you married a man 10 yrs older than you..therefor you need to understand he will be 10 yrs ahead of you on some things. I think that you can use this reasoning forever...I mean, at what point will you stop thinking that something can happen that you will need a donor? You do see it all too often but there are also millions and millions of children who are healthy and do not need donors. At what point do you decide you are not going to have any more children?
How would your husband feel if you decided to get on birth control? Maybe you say that you do not want more children but you want him to bare with you while you are going through this emotional time. Tell him that you will get on birth control so there are no more children for the two of you but yet, you just have this sick feeling about making it so permanent. Tell him that if he does this for you, one year from now he can do the V. Also, have you thought about your own age? it doesn't get any easier as you pass 35 and truly, you have two healthy children. If you are not wanting another child, you have to pray for the health of your children and know that life is good and things will be ok. You have to consider that he gave you two healthy, beautiful children and that you are lucky and blessed to have these children. Instead of mourning your loss of fertility, how about celebrating the gain of these children! Last comment, a V is not exactly permanent...it can be reversed if the situation arose and I would bet, it would not arise. :o) You are emotional b/c you just had a baby, enjoy your family of 4 and give 100% to those babies! Another child, whether on purpose or as non-planned costs a lot of money, money that you can give to those two that you have. If you are truly happy with your two....be happy.

We are almost in the same situation. My husband hasn't scheduled it yet. Here, in our area at least (if not the state) when a man is married, the wife has to sign consent for the procedure. At first I was okay with that, but the more I thought about it, the more I wasn't okay with it. I'm not 100% ready to give up our chances of having another child.

He will be 41 in September. I just turned 33 in May. He has 3 older children (almost 20, almost 17 and just turned 15). We have a 5 year old, 1 year old, and are due Oct. 31st.

I've asked him to wait. In the meantime, I'm seriously considering the Mirena IUD. It is good for up to 5 years and that will allow us time to make that decision final. Are we REALLY done having children like we say we are, or will we want another one on down the road.

My biggest fear is also the what ifs like you mention. I just don't like the idea of it being so permanent right now.

Logically, I can see his side of it...6 kids for him is enough. However, emotionally, I'm not ready to give up the option of more kids for us. I've always wanted a large family and that is part of my emotional connections to it all. I understand what he says about not wanting to be in his 60s before they all finish school, wanting to be young enough to enjoy them and be active with them, etc. Logically, I get all that, emotionally, I don't.

I would suggest that you get the Mirena IUD. It is supposed to be more efficientt than a vasectomy or a tubal. You keep it in for 5 years at a time and if you choose to do so you can have it removed early if you decide you want to get pregnant again. This way nothing is permenant but you are "safe" so to speak. This may make your husband feel more at ease and he doesn't have to have a painful surgery. I have 2 children myself, I am 31 and so is my husband. I wasn't ready to make a "permenant" decision since I feel we are both still young. Like you, anything can happen and I want to keep my options open. Luckily, my husband was onboard since he wasn't thrilled about the thought of a vasectomy.

Hi R.,

It sounds like hormones may be involved with your thoughts right now. I can understand why your husband might not want to have any more at his age. He's thinking about the future, retirement and being able to provide for his family.

When my husband went for his, I had to go with him and meet with the doctor. We had to both agree and have real understanding about what we, yes we, were about to do. I was 40, my husband was 37 and we had 2 boys (2 and 6 months at the time).

Good luck with your decision!

Wow men are just different from us. I totally understand not wanting a permanent solution. Even if I was done having children I would like that option so I understand where you are coming from. Maybe you could suggest to your husband a semi-permanent bc until you are both ready. Would you be open to an IUD or something "idiot proof". Maybe if you show your husband that you are serious about not having more children he will be willing to wait for surgery. I also agree that it is not the best time to make a decision in your sleep deprived and hallucinatory state. If he does go through with it rejoice in the two beautiful children that you have and know that you might not have that many years left of fertility anyway, and at 35 you would be considered high-risk if you did concieve again. I hope this helps.

Why wait if he is emotionally prepared now? Two children is a blessing. How are you set financially? Emotionally for a 3rd? Think about it hard and support his decision.

It probably is more emotional than rational. But taking a "time-out" so that you BOTH feel comfortable, even if it happens anyway, is rational and seems fair to me. I definitely understand if he feels he is done, as he is entitled to that feeling. You are also entitled to YOUR feelings. But maybe you could just help him understand that you need more time to mourn and process this BEFORE he does it, even if there is no mind changing. Not that you want to stop it and have more kids anytime soon. Just that it is a delicate subject for mothers in particular. Something in our biology I guess. I was the same way.

I am 30 and my DH is 37. He has two kids from a previous marriage, and after our first together (despite our talking about having 3 when we were dating) he said we are done. I was heartbroken! Number 2 happened from not being careful. I was still nursing and didn't want to take any BC. And after that he said he wanted ME to get the operation. THAT I adamantly refused. I didn't want him to have to get a V, but I certainly wasn't going to do that to myself at age 25. His ex-wife had 2 kids by the time she was 19 and got her tubes tied in the hospital after their 2nd. Apparently he expected the same of me.

Eventually I accepted the fact he was done. Of course this is back when our relationship was terrible, so that was part of him not wanting more. Anyway, I finally decided to give the baby gear away. My youngest was 2. And two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant with #3. But before I knew I was pregnant, I cried. We gave stuff away, but I was truly mourning that. I always felt like there was one part missing from our family, not that, like you, I was not absolutely thrilled with the sweet babies I had. I ADORED them! But being told when you are young you don't have even the option again is disheartening.

I know just what you are feeling. Something about it seems to go against nature! And I guess in a way, it is. I think in order for you not to carry this around and let it slowly deteriorate your marriage, you have to find peace with it. But the reverse is true for him as well. Ask him if he can just give you more time, not to actually get pregnant, but to come to terms with it TOGETHER, as partners.

Rather than telling him you want him to wait a certain period of time, just tell him what you need to be okay with this. And ask him if he can hold off for your sanity and emotional stability. Men just don't have the same pulls we do. They don't get to feel a miracle do summersaults inside of them. Let him know you want for you both to come out of this unscathed by resentment. And time and sharing feelings safely is the best way to do that. Like having a conversation about your sides without getting frustrated at the other for such a differing view.

Marriage and major decisions are tough for everybody. We expect smooth sailing for the most part. But when was the sea of life ever perfect and sunny all the time? Tell him you need HIM to comfort you for this loss before you can move on. You need his empathy and understanding. Even if he doesn't get it, tell him you need a lot of hugs, a lot of listening, a lot of just plain being there. With his support, you may even find yourself getting over this much sooner than you would have thought. And especially sooner than if you are left hanging. Because if he does it while you are in turmoil about it, it makes you feel isolated, like you are not on the same team. Let him know you just want this to be a team decision. And teams usually always practice together before the big game. Ask him if he can at least understand it from that level, not that you want more, that you need closure first.

I think as far as reading, I'm sure there are good books out there, but the NUMBER ONE thing that will help you is feeling like you are being not only heard, but understood. His support can get you through it, if you can help him see that. So find a diplomatic way to inform him of your NEED. And be sure to listen to his as well, and mirror back what he says and be understanding of him in return. This process could end up making you closer than ever, as long as you two don't let opposite views and hurt feelings take center stage. Let compassion and desire to love and support one another be the star.

I don't even know that any of this will help. I am sorry you are going through this. Just know you are not alone. Even if it is a different subject, we all have our "battles" in our marriages. And that is because we are not all clones. And wouldn't life be dull if everyone thought and acted like ourselves? Challenges are what help us to grow in spirit and character. Use this obstacle to do that for yourself and your spouse. It isn't easy. Just saying the words does not make it automatically better. But hope and a fresh perspective can give us the jump-start we need to make great things happen in our own lives.

So good luck, I wish you the best on your road to healing and discovery. If you need anything, feel free to contact me.

~A. E.

I think that you are right on with everything you have said. You are a very logical thinker. Your husband is a very lucky man........I also understand his mind set. You could be going through a mourning process. I went through a tough time after my hysterectomy. I knew that we were satisfied with the size of our family, but just knowing how final it was made it hard. I somehow mourned the fact that my child bearing years were indeed complete. It took a couple of years to get over it completely. I wouldn't change a thing now even if I could.........God Bless.

Hey R.,
I just wanted you to know that those feelings seem to be quite normal.
I'm 37, my husband is 38. He had a Vasectomy in'04. We decided 2 was enough and we still feel that way.....but I do always wonder....it is just a feeling that you can't describe.
things will be fine...you will get through it.
Jen

Maybe he'll feel more comfortable putting his vasectomy off for a while if you guys choose a semi-permanent birth control method. For me...it's kind of the opposite. I know I'm done and that my family is complete and would LOVE for my hubby to get a vasectomy. However, my husband isn't ready for anything permanent. So, we have a compromise....I have the 5 year Mirena IUD. It's as effective as a vasectomy, but it's not totally permanent, ya know? I can have it removed tomorrow and get pregnant again easily. Maybe you could discuss doing something like that until YOU were more ready for him to have the surgery. Good luck to you! =0)